Was it adultery?

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yessisan

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I have a friend who fell in love with a married man and even though she knows he is married, she sustains a relationship w/this man. He is only civilly married (even though he’s Catholic), and my friend is also Catholic.

This man lied to her at the begining, telling her he was single. Then he told her he was married and had two girls.

She keeps on ignoring the fact that he is married. I have tried telling her is wrong, but she says that because he is not married through the Church, it is not wrong.

The CC does seem civil marriages as a valid union, so, anyone can tell me how I can convince my friend that she should stop seeing this guy?
 
If it’s not adultery, then isn’t it fornication? One or the other.
 
yessisan said:
I have a friend who fell in love with a married man and even though she knows he is married, she sustains a relationship w/this man. He is only civilly married (even though he’s Catholic), and my friend is also Catholic.

…

The CC does seem civil marriages as a valid union, so, anyone can tell me how I can convince my friend that she should stop seeing this guy?
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Yessisan,

It depends on the nature of the relationship. If it is a sexual relationship, it is just flat out wrong; as another poster has replied, if it’s not adultery then it is fornication, which is also a mortal sin. On the other hand, if it is just a platonic friendship, then it is not necessarily sinful–although I would hasten to add that it is probably very unwise.
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If she’s sleeping with him, yes, it’s adultery. I don’t recall ever hearing that one may sleep with those who are married in a civil ceremony!

If she’s not sleeping with him, it sounds like an emotional affair going on, and they are as, or more, damaging to marriages than physical affairs.

She is looking for reasons to continue doing what she knows is wrong. It’s very sad. But she is hurting herself and hurting this man’s marriage, wife, and children.
 
Be it fornication or adultery, it is a grave sin and she jeporidzes her soul as well as his. For confession to be valid, there must be a “firm purpose of amendment”. That means we must try to stop the sin. If she continues ot see him, her confessions are not valid because she does not try to halt the sin.

In the end, it does not matter what category the sin falls into. Either sin will lead a soul to to land a bit south of Purgatory.
 
Thank you all for your responses. Sadly it is both a sexual and emotional relationship. I believe this man is lying to her about everything but I cannot seem to get my friend to actually open her eyes to this.

He has told her his wife is the worst person alive, that she cheated on him w/his best friend, that she treats the kids horribly and the worst excuse is that he says she has some type of psychotic disorder and she has tried to commit suicide when he tells her he’s leaving her. I think it’s all BS. Men always do this when they are trying to have an affair. I had something similar happen to me, I know from experience that when a man wants an adventure, he’ll say horrible things about his wife to make him the victim and the girl will feel sorry for him and will want to take care of him. Good thing for me is that as soon as I found out this guy was married, I ran the other way.

I just wish my friend would do the same. Plus, he’s 35 and she’s only 22. 😦 He doesn’t even live in this country but she goes to visit him and stays in a hotel with him 😦

I don’t think I can convince her she’s ruining this family… In a way I feel responsible for all this because I know of it and I can’t stop it from happening…
 
yessian-

You’ve done what you can. All you can do is pray (which is your most powerful weapon anyway 🙂 ). I will pray for your friend and this man and his family. He obviously needs many prayers as well :(.
 
Is your firend Catholic? Does she go to Mass?

It may be time for some tough love. Does her family know?
 
yessisan said:
Thank you all for your responses. Sadly it is both a sexual and emotional relationship. I believe this man is lying to her about everything but I cannot seem to get my friend to actually open her eyes to this.

He has told her his wife is the worst person alive, that she cheated on him w/his best friend, that she treats the kids horribly and the worst excuse is that he says she has some type of psychotic disorder and she has tried to commit suicide when he tells her he’s leaving her. I think it’s all BS. Men always do this when they are trying to have an affair. I had something similar happen to me, I know from experience that when a man wants an adventure, he’ll say horrible things about his wife to make him the victim and the girl will feel sorry for him and will want to take care of him. Good thing for me is that as soon as I found out this guy was married, I ran the other way.

I just wish my friend would do the same. Plus, he’s 35 and she’s only 22. 😦 He doesn’t even live in this country but she goes to visit him and stays in a hotel with him 😦

I don’t think I can convince her she’s ruining this family… In a way I feel responsible for all this because I know of it and I can’t stop it from happening…
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She’s not ruining this family, he is. She is just helping by being his pawn. She obviously has no self-esteem. Pray for her. Also don’t discuss this stupidity with her. Tell her it makes you nauseous to hear about what a tool she is and you’d prefer to discuss other things. Doubtless she’s consumed with this idiocy and will have trouble thinking about anything else. I’d tell his wife just to bring about an end to this sooner. Not sure if that’s the pastoral approach, but it is one way to save a mortal sinner from herself.😦
 
rpp said:
Is your firend Catholic? Does she go to Mass?

It may be time for some tough love. Does her family know?
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Yup, she’s “Catholic” and I’m not sure if she does go to Mass any more.

If her family knew, she’d be crucified. Her family is very devout, I don’t think they know.
dafalax said:
She’s not ruining this family, he is. She is just helping by being his pawn. She obviously has no self-esteem. Pray for her. Also don’t discuss this stupidity with her. Tell her it makes you nauseous to hear about what a tool she is and you’d prefer to discuss other things. Doubtless she’s consumed with this idiocy and will have trouble thinking about anything else. I’d tell his wife just to bring about an end to this sooner. Not sure if that’s the pastoral approach, but it is one way to save a mortal sinner from herself.😦
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I’ve actually thought about telling his wife. I might lose her friendship, but she’d eventually thank me… but I really don’t want to get in the middle of that mess
 
yessisan said:
Yup, she’s “Catholic” and I’m not sure if she does go to Mass any more.

If her family knew, she’d be crucified. Her family is very devout, I don’t think they know.

I’ve actually thought about telling his wife. I might lose her friendship, but she’d eventually thank me… but I really don’t want to get in the middle of that mess
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This is very serious so you must be cautious. On the other hand, it is actually a sin to turn a blind eye to another’s sin. Consider discussing what actions you may reasonably take with your priest or spiritual advisor.
 
rpp said:
This is very serious so you must be cautious. On the other hand, it is actually a sin to turn a blind eye to another’s sin. Consider discussing what actions you may reasonably take with your priest or spiritual advisor.
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Uhm… I guess I don’t have a way out, huh? :nope:

Darn it… :banghead:
 
yessisan said:
Uhm… I guess I don’t have a way out, huh? :nope:

Darn it… :banghead:
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Yes, I am sorry. When we pray the prayer of forgiveness at Mass, do you recall the words “… for what I have done and failed to do…”? It seems to me that this may fall into that.

Yes, your friend’s sin has put you in a difficult spot. Or rather, your friend telling you about her her sin has.

I can say this, if some well-meaning person, motivated either by their friendship with my ex-wife or me, had told me about my ex-wife’s pilandering, while I would have been upset at first, I would also realize quickly they were trying to help. It would not take long for me to see the courage and love that person had.

But do not just go off and start talking. Talk to your priest or spiritual advisor; someone who takes Catholic moral teachings seriously. Have them help you determine the best way to do this. I suspect it will probably be a step-by-step approach. If these two have become really emotionally tight, I think the only way will be to ultimately tell his wife, but that would be one of the last steps, right after your friends parents find out.

Yours is a difficult situation. You have my prayers. 😦
 
Yessin,
Sin is sin is sin…you are doing a great disservice not only to your friend but to the family of this man. If it were me, I would go to you r friend and advise her that her choice to remain in a relationship with this man is sin, back it up with Scripture and the Catechism, remind her that in order to practice her faith fully and receive all the wonderful blessings from God, she cannot live in a state of grave or mortal sin. then tell your firend that she should go to Reconcilliation and ask the priest what she needs to do.

I believe the wife in this situation should know, but I am not sure you should be the one to tell her. Not bc it will hurt your friends feelings, but bc you may not have all the information and you could be putting yourself in harms way. Ask your priest what you should do.

And the poster who said that prayer is your most powerful weapon was correct. Pray, pray pray.

Pax Vobiscum
 
Do you know the wife or have a way to contact her?

On the one hand, I would say you can’t exactly be ‘responsible’ for what two other people are doing. But on the other hand, there ARE things you can do, such as pray, refuse to associate with someone behaving this way, harp on her constantly about it, tell her family, tell the wife. There are plenty of things you can do.

I have recently discovered two or three questionably inappropriate friendships my husband has had over the years. Were they sexual or only emotional? I still haven’t gotten a straight story. But for the purposes of this post, I WISH someone would have, or still would, tell me what they knew. No doubt they never will, because they don’t want to upset him or make waves in their friendship with him. Really, they’ve done him no favors, because only the truth is going to set us free, including dh.
 
I second that men will say anything. I know that’s also what’s been done in my case, portraying me as all sorts of awful things.

If you think it would help, there is a forum on loveshack (dot org) for infidelity and another for ‘the other women.’ If she reads some of the stories, she may believe from people who have been there that this man is not necessarily telling her the truth. She’ll probably see, there, the exact same lines he’s using, in dozens of stories.
 
ktp said:
Do you know the wife or have a way to contact her?

On the one hand, I would say you can’t exactly be ‘responsible’ for what two other people are doing. But on the other hand, there ARE things you can do, such as pray, refuse to associate with someone behaving this way, harp on her constantly about it, tell her family, tell the wife. There are plenty of things you can do.

I have recently discovered two or three questionably inappropriate friendships my husband has had over the years. Were they sexual or only emotional? I still haven’t gotten a straight story. But for the purposes of this post, I WISH someone would have, or still would, tell me what they knew. No doubt they never will, because they don’t want to upset him or make waves in their friendship with him. Really, they’ve done him no favors, because only the truth is going to set us free, including dh.
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ktp said:
I second that men will say anything. I know that’s also what’s been done in my case, portraying me as all sorts of awful things.

If you think it would help, there is a forum on loveshack (dot org) for infidelity and another for ‘the other women.’ If she reads some of the stories, she may believe from people who have been there that this man is not necessarily telling her the truth. She’ll probably see, there, the exact same lines he’s using, in dozens of stories.
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OMG, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 😦 It must be really hard for you, I’ll keep you in mind in my prayers.

Going back to your question, no, I don’t know the wife, but I believe my friend has the man’s home phone #. I don’t know though, plus, I think I might just tell my friend’s sister and see where it goes from there.
 
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