Was it wrong for me to this to her?

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gborbely

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I’m 54, she’s 26. She was madly in love with me, but I’ve had to stop pretending that I had loved her. She was somewhat attractive in some ways, perhaps because she looked smart and intelligent, but I just could not accept the thought of being married to someone who felt and looked a little more like a teenager to me! I should have restrained that little cheating twinkle in my eye the first time we met! Since then, a couple of weeks ago,she’d follow me around and even seemed to have trouble controlling herself. Not sure if she had any mental problems, but this to me was getting to be a little too much.

So…Sunday before last, she suddenly decided she could not handle things and I began to show less interest in her at the same time. We broke up…it was totally over. She cried bowlfuls of tears for a long time. The following Sunday, she again started crying uncontrollably. I feel so bad about all of this! I didn’t even get a chance to apologize! Have I committed a sin for doing this in the first place, for being as old as I am, and for subsequently making her so upset? Just felt I needed to get this out of my system, sorry!
 
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It mostly depends on the details of what you haven’t said. 😛

You’re the boss, she’s the employee-- yeah, it’s wrong to have started anything.

You’re a random guy she met at the bus stop-- you can’t figure out if a relationship has a future if it has no beginning.

Y’all are coworkers-- yeah, it’s wrong to have faked a chemistry that didn’t exist.

You’re the guy who works at a place she patronizes-- people get intrigued by each other.

Y’all go out for coffee or dinner or a movie-- fine and dandy. You can’t figure out if a relationship has a future if you don’t spend time together and talk.

Y’all hopped into bed right off the bat-- yeah, that’s a bad idea on several levels.

“Since then, a couple of weeks ago—” sounds like whatever the relationship was, it’s barely been going on since August began? Late July? Mid-July?

If you gave someone Expectations in a whirlwind romance, and then ended up dropping them abruptly and said it was all a lie-- probably not a good idea.

If someone has a mad crush on you, and you hang out with them to see if the relationship develops into anything solid and it’s doesn’t-- well, it doesn’t, and it’s better to say so sooner than later.

I had a friend once who absolutely was mad about the chase. He would spend weeks fantasizing and pining after someone who had caught his attention. He would admire from afar and write poetry and do the most elaborate things for the object of his fancy to notice him. Then she’d go out with him once— and it was totally out of his system. He’d move on to the next girl who caught his attention. And I’d be, like, “You went through all that work-- and just for one date-- and now you’re over her?! You could have just said, ‘Wanna go to the coffeeshop’ and it would have been so much simpler!” 😛 Even though I never knew any of the girls he was attracted to, I have no doubt those kinds of mixed signals were pretty confusing… someone who would spend weeks being a near-stalker, and then suddenly wouldn’t give them a second thought. 🤨

So, in the future, be cautious about sending signals that indicate a deeper degree of interest than you may actually feel. But it sounds like an unfortunate situation where one person has an obsession, but the other one just doesn’t reciprocate— and there’s never a tidy, pleasant, comfortable ending to unrequited love.
 
gborbely said:
Just felt I needed to get this out of my system, sorry!
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Maybe you should be telling this to a priest in a confessional, not random strangers on the Internet. You obviously think you did something wrong, hence your cheating twinkle, so confession is the more appropriate route.
 
Well, I’m not sure I’d exactly call it cheating. I think I misappropriated the term. When I glanced, not stared at her, I did not lust for a moment internally in my heart with her to any degree. I think and remember what happened was although I was reserved and completely self-contained; arrgh, it’s hard to explain, I was initially and momentarily taken or impressed with the beauty of her eyes and I guess that action though brief, although I took my glance immediately away from her it’s all it took to apparently to get things rolling. I should have immediately taken the time to introduce myself and started a friendly conversation before things got out of hand! I’ll correct the cheating part in my post.
 
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Yeah, the lack of reciprocation was definitely the situation here. She completely understands now, but I think I’m going to get special professional counseling also from a priest before attempting any further relationships. I’m still very, very new to this; it’s quite foreign to me and I just don’t know how to respond to any surprises. I obviously have a lot to learn yet!
 
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It wasn’t cheating in my heart, as in lust; sorry for the misunderstanding! I was simply stunned by her beauty and I guess it showed.
 
I was always single, even to this day. The post you mention involves a potential date that never took place. That unfortunately never turned out to be successful.
 
Right. But I used the wrong word here. I did not actually lust after her in any way. I was just taken by her beauty. But I also recognized that she appeared to be far too young for me. My inexperience with relationships is what really got the ball rolling out of control!
 
Yeah, you’re right. I think my extreme inexperience with forming new relationships is causing a lot of problems for myself and other people. I definitely need counseling and training! Thank you!
 
Yeah, so sorry for the misunderstanding. And you’re right, I should not be discussing these things with complete strangers! I’ve got a LOT to learn yet. I’ve just recovered from decades of severe mental illness, including being bedridden and completely separated from most contact from the outside world!
Now, for the first time in my life, I’m finally able to make an intelligent conversation with another human being. So, obviously, I’ve got a lot to learn, but it’s slowly coming along! Thank you!
 
gborbely said:
Since then, a couple of weeks ago,she’d follow me around and even seemed to have trouble controlling herself. Not sure if she had any mental problems, but this to me was getting to be a little too much.
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She was just a women in love reacting you pulling away emotionally. Women who are strong and stable in any other context can fall apart when they let their guard down, but their love isn’t returned.

Women need to feel safe and loved to thrive within a relationship. If their significant other is distant, they can feel desperate for attention and act clingy. Men misinterpret this, and pull away further - exasturbating the problem!

If there was no chance of you returning her affections, then it was for the best that you broke it off. She clearly cared for you, which is why she was devastated. If you broke it off because it was 'too much", you might owe her an apology for misunderstanding how much she cared, and for having been frightened by this. She has a big heart, and you don’t want to discourage her from loving again because of your reaction.

As for whether any of this is a sin, I just went through a similar situation and tried to confess it, but the priest said he couldn’t give me absolution, because their was no sin involved. People miscommunicate intentions, make mistakes. It happens.

Sin is a deliberate choice to cause pain for pain’s sake. You, however, made a reasonable choice to not date this women. She is understandably upset, but your intent was to pursue other options, not to hurt her. Therefore, there is no sin.
 
Thank you very kindly for this! Well put and very thoughtful! As I’ve just recently almost fully recovered from mental illness, I haven’t actually had the chance to make a real relationship with someone . My inexperience has led to this unfortunate end, but I have certainly learned from it.

I honestly have no idea what women are like! What you have just told me struck me hard - in a good way mind you! It was as though you had placed me in her own shoes to feel what she felt as I mindlessly tried to avoid her, not returning her love! And love me, she did. She indeed has a big heart and she truly cared for me ( almost crying here! ) I’m unworthy of the love she gave me!

Are women really like that; can you say this from observation or experience? And she was a very strong woman to begin with! Very bright, highly educated and smart, but then as you have pointed out, she began to crumble (I’m saying this with tears!) She virtually turned into a child thanks to me!What I would do right now to turn back time! I definitely owe her an apology, especially after scolding her for being so morally weak at times! I was just simply too hard on her, far too critical. But she persisted all the same ! As it turned out, I became the unrepentant Pharisee!

I wasn’t actually the one who made the final decision to break it off. She just simply failed to show up! She said later that she no longer felt worthy of me simply because she had fallen into sin! ( mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa! ) I ignored her to the point where she had succumbed to the weakness that I dreaded the most, whether it be myself or another person! I made it perfectly clear to a few of my fellow friends and parishioners that I would break off any relationship that involved a major fall into fornication or incontinence. That’s exactly what happened! ( I’m telling you this weeping ! ) I’m such an evil Pharisee! I should really be going to confession for this, even though I know I did nothing to her to cause such an unfortunate fall!

That’s exactly what happened. But I can promise you and anyone else this! I will definitely NOT let this happen again! Ever! I’ll just have to find a way to prevent a women from falling so hard in the first place by returning her love and being a LOT more understanding, considerate and caring! I now realize that even though traditionally when serious fornication is involved, a pre -marital relationship should be immediately terminated , given the circumstances I should have given her a second chance and told her that it was I who was completely unworthy of her love and affection and that I should have at least forgiven her and asked for her pardon for the total lack of attention that was absolutely her due ! Next time, that’s exactly what will happen! I should never have given her that look in the first place! She’s too young for me, she looks just like a kid to me, and I feel completely ashamed for what I dragged her into! I hope this serves as a valuable lesson to anyone experiencing a similar situation!

Thank you again, and God bless you!
 
I think you need to collect all your CAF dating threads, and take them to a mental health professional.
 
gborbely said:
I made it perfectly clear to a few of my fellow friends and parishioners that I would break off any relationship that involved a major fall into fornication or incontinence. That’s exactly what happened! ( I’m telling you this weeping ! ) I’m such an evil Pharisee! I should really be going to confession for this, even though I know I did nothing to her to cause such an unfortunate fall!
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Dude…chill…

Take all of this to a therapist - you’ve got a lot of work to do…
 
Are you implying that I’m just making all of this stuff up? I know you mean well, but what is it that requires me to take this to a therapist? Is what I’m saying really that unusual ? I can produce the proof and the witnesses to these events at anybody’s request, believe me!

What sort of work do you think I have to do? Thank you kindly! 🙂
 
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Is it really that bad or unusual? Please tell me what it is that requires me to take all my dating threads to a therapist?
 
Besides, please do not take any of this to heart, but do you really think a therapist will take me into the right direction? My Catholic faith means everything to me and I’d definitely not want to stray from that!
 
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