Was she coming on strong, or just being very friendly?

[Joe_5859]

Keep in mind that you know her better than any of us do.

 

[joandarc2008]

You know her better than we do as Joe commented, however if my husband were to be in the situation you were in I would probably want to rip the young girls eyes out. If he were acting that way I would be talking to my priest. It is a possibility that the older demographic already noticed anyway. So what part did you play? I notice the reference to Adam and Eve. That in itself can be pretty flirtatious. Yes she kept it going but sometimes you need to make it a point to put a stop to it when you know it is wrong. After all you are getting involved in Church politics. Or is it that you liked the attention and may have attracted it and been flirtatious. I am playing Devil’s Advocate.

BTW:

Last night, I attended the first meeting of my parish’s new Stewardship Commision which my pastor asked me to be part of, a Commision which reports to him and has all the powers, if not more, than the Parish Council.

What does that have to do with the price of potatoes or how a married woman carries herself or how you carry yourself around a married woman?

I would strongly suggest you step back from a council of this lustre anyway and friendships with married women and focus more on your relationship with God and His Church.

 

[kage_ar]

Some women have always flirted, it is part of how they communicate and they have to unlearn it. Some are immature and do not know how things come off to others.

Why don’t you - this will be shocking, I know - tell her “you are a married lady and I feel uncomfortable when you are this friendly to me. It comes off to me as flirting. I know you do not want me to get the wrong idea, so, would you please turn it down a notch?”

 

[Joe_5859]

Some women have always flirted, it is part of how they communicate and they have to unlearn it. Some are immature and do not know how things come off to others.

Why don’t you - this will be shocking, I know - tell her “you are a married lady and I feel uncomfortable when you are this friendly to me. It comes off to me as flirting. I know you do not want me to get the wrong idea, so, would you please turn it down a notch?”

The direct approach. What a novel idea!

 

[Epistemes]

So what part did you play? I notice the reference to Adam and Eve. That in itself can be pretty flirtatious. Yes she kept it going but sometimes you need to make it a point to put a stop to it when you know it is wrong. After all you are getting involved in Church politics. Or is it that you liked the attention and may have attracted it and been flirtatious. I am playing Devil’s Advocate.

I played the role of the dumb, oblivious blonde - which I can be! Other than giving her a friendly hug, and being overall friendly in return, I didn’t flirt back. I’m not sure that I know how to flirt? Even if I do, it’s not going to be with married women!

Women generally do think I’m sweet and courteous. I’ve also been called “cute.” But, most married women say I’m like a son or younger brother. I’m fine with that. To be called one of your favorite persons, though, when we’ve only had a handful of conversations?

I did and do like the attention. I like the compliment, though I’m a little easy by it, as well. I’m fond of the flattery. And I do think she’s attractive. No doubt about any of that! But I didn’t and wouldn’t keep putting in my quarters to get more and more “prizes.” I have a hard enough time with single ladies, so I can’t imagine flirting with a married one for risk of seeming scandalous!

What does that have to do with the price of potatoes or how a married woman carries herself or how you carry yourself around a married woman?

Nothing, really, other than illustrating that we’ll be working together for a long while, I suppose. A little vanity in there too, I suppose.

 

[Epistemes]

Keep in mind that you know her better than any of us do.

Well, yes and no. I’d like to defend her, but like SamH says above, she did say some things which I wouldn’t feel comfortable repeating to her husband. I can only imagine how a husband would react to hear that another man was one of his wife’s favorite people but that she thinks about that man “alot.” That would sting like hell!

 

[Liberanosamalo]

I put my arm around her waist, gave her something of a hug, and told her the same – at which point she looks at me and says, “You know, you’re one of my favorite people.” Brief pause. “I think about you alot.”

I’m not sure if I responded, but I’m definitely sure that I looked at her dumbly.
“Really,” she says, “I think about you alot.”

Yeah, she was flirting big time. When a woman approaches you and is the first to touch you, she’s coming on strong. Giving you permission to touch back.

You’re young. It’s not college anymore. You need to learn new body language for your newlywed female friends.

Your mistake was you saw her hand touch on the arm and raised it one. You put your arm around her waist. That’s more intimate than a hand on shoulder frontal hug. Then when you echoed her “I think about you a lot” , you gave her permission to crank it up a notch. “You’re one of my favorite people.” Your dumb look caused her to repeat it so it would sink in. At least you didn’t follow it up with “I always had the biggest crush on you.”

You played the game with her. Now you’ll have trouble dialing it back the next time you see her. She’ll wonder why you aren’t so open and affectionate. Spend all your time asking about her husband. Then talk about the weather and your lawn and the new spark plugs you got for your car. Then go talk to Old Bob over there about the building fund. For whatever reason she talked and behaved in a way that is inappropriate for a married woman in the presence of a non-relative male. You don’t need to know her reasons. You just need to know for your future purposes that if a woman with any ring on that finger is around, you keep your arms and hands to yourself other than a brief initial greeting. And keep your eyes to yourself. No meaningful glances.

Because if you’re the kind women feel they can approach, you’re going to get that a lot. And you don’t want it followed up with some husband’s punch to the nose.



By the way, are you by chance the youngest child in your family?

 

[joandarc2008]

Women generally do think I’m sweet and courteous. I’ve also been called “cute.” But, most married women say I’m like a son or younger brother. I’m fine with that. To be called one of your favorite persons, though, when we’ve only had a handful of conversations?

OK you see the word in red- I’m giving you the benefit the doubt because I know of few of my military guys just like you who are uneasy around women. Just like marijuana is a gateway drug; cute is a gateway complement. It is where a woman goes from complimenting your mind to your body but can still step back from it if you look easily annoyed. As embarassing as this might be - you may want to find a female friend or cousin or sister or something you can start talking about some of this stuff with to help avoid the jackpots.

 

[MariaKnox]

you know, in spanish we say “the devil doesn’t sleeps”. And even if she was just being friendly, it awaken something in you.

A few months ago a very well known priest of Miami, Fr. Alberto Cutie, broke down from the Church so he could marry (in the protestant church) his “sweetheart”.

He described the beginning of their relationship as something innocuous that began over a friendly cup of coffee. And ended up with a terrible scandal.

Stay away, and change parishes if you must. Join a catholic singles group if you really want to meet someone, since marriage seems to be your vocation.

Lots of luck
MK.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

I would start with simple avoidance, then move on to telling the truth (what Kage-AR said is perfect), and if that doesn’t work, distance yourself anyway you can, as the first suggestion.

And this may not completely shut off the hormones, but I think infidelity is a HUGE turn-off. Maybe a mental reminder of that character flaw will help check however attractive she seems the next time you see her.

 

[SMHW]

you know, in spanish we say “the devil doesn’t sleeps”. And even if she was just being friendly, it awaken something in you.

The problem here, OP, is that you seem to be more concerned about this woman’s motivations than you are in what is happening to YOU.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter what is motivating this woman. What is important is what you do. And it is absolutely NOT your responsibility to see that she stays on the straight and narrow path. In fact I would say it is your responsibility to passively delegate that task to others.

 

[Epistemes]

I feel that I should apologize for this thread.

I just…I don’t know…I just feel this whole thing was the product of my own fantasy. It’s not that she didn’t do and say what she did…but I think she was just trying to be sincere and endearing, not flirtatious. The problem is that what she said, the way she said it, and just who she is happened to play on a number of my weaknesses, and it became *far *too important for me to know if she was flirting with me so that I could feel good about myself knowing that someone attractive flirted with me. As I mentioned above, I don’t feel that I get flirted with much, and I often feel lonely.

I feel awful for trying to believe that she was flirting, if only to make myself feel better. I’ve never been told “You’re one of my favorite people” much less “I think about you alot,” and maybe she didn’t choose her words wisely, but I just can’t imagine her wanting to step out on her husband. She just seems far too Spirit-filled. I don’t know why she likes me as she does, but I can’t help but think about on our past encounters and realize that she’s always been partial to me, for some reason. It probably has something to do with how “sweet,” “endearing,” and “forthright” I can be.

I plan on going to confession for this, in order to confess my lust and inadvertant attempt to ruin her name all because I don’t know how to take a compliment. I’m going to mention this episode to my counsellor too.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Don’t beat yourself up too much. You didn’t ruin anyone’s good name.

We don’t know her or you.

If you’re not used to be complimented it’s difficult to know when a compliment is just a compliment and when it’s something more.

Now that you see how this looks to a bunch of strangers, you’re minimizing her comments. For the record, when I was married I NEVER told another man “I think about you a lot.”

Spirit-filled people who are “good” are a special target for Satan. I still say she was flirting with you and with danger. When you come away from any encounter wondering if what you thought just happened really happened…it probably did.

Take this as a lesson for establishing your own boundaries around married women.

And you’re human. We all would like to think someone finds us attractive. Stay on that parish council. One of the old people may have a lovely daughter looking for a nice guy who isn’t such a player that HE is the one hitting on married women and HE knows all the signals and moves.

Sweetie, now that you know what it feels like to be flirted with and found attractive, look for those same behaviors, words, glances, touches and comments in the unmarried girls. Make sure you smile back.

Maybe in the long run, married lady did you a little favor there. Pray that she stays steadfast in her marriage and redirect your attention at the lonely lovelies out there.

 

[Epistemes]

Now that you see how this looks to a bunch of strangers, you’re minimizing her comments. For the record, when I was married I NEVER told another man “I think about you a lot.”

Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. Yesterday evening I played the scene through my head over and over again, and she said it so sweetly and endearingly that that it was like an old, lost friend saying something deep, personal and meaningful to another. So, I can’t believe anything bad about her. I can’t help but think of her as a model of purity.

And it no longer matters, really. It’s all about moving on now and knowing my boundaries, as you say.

 

[joandarc2008]

I feel that I should apologize for this thread.

I just…I don’t know…I just feel this whole thing was the product of my own fantasy. It’s not that she didn’t do and say what she did…but I think she was just trying to be sincere and endearing, not flirtatious. The problem is that what she said, the way she said it, and just who she is happened to play on a number of my weaknesses, and it became *far *too important for me to know if she was flirting with me so that I could feel good about myself knowing that someone attractive flirted with me. As I mentioned above, I don’t feel that I get flirted with much, and I often feel lonely.

I feel awful for trying to believe that she was flirting, if only to make myself feel better. I’ve never been told “You’re one of my favorite people” much less “I think about you alot,” and maybe she didn’t choose her words wisely, but I just can’t imagine her wanting to step out on her husband. She just seems far too Spirit-filled. I don’t know why she likes me as she does, but I can’t help but think about on our past encounters and realize that she’s always been partial to me, for some reason. It probably has something to do with how “sweet,” “endearing,” and “forthright” I can be.

I plan on going to confession for this, in order to confess my lust and inadvertant attempt to ruin her name all because I don’t know how to take a compliment. I’m going to mention this episode to my counsellor too.

This is kind of what I was trying ot get at but sometimes I am not too great with it either. It is good that you can relook at things. Just keep an open mind, talk about it with your confessor, and get some space for both of your sakes.

 

[Epistemes]

The earlier invite to “come by the studio” now includes an invite to lunch.

Just throwing that in the pudding.

 

[Epistemes]

Hope you are doing well…thanks so much for your email! I thought of you yesterday because I remembered you saying how much you liked the Biggest Loser reality show. Joe and I watched last night’s episode—it is such a great show! I think I am definitely hooked–

I would love for you to come by the studio. Just pick a day or evening and I can meet you down here…I live close by so its no prob to come by. What direction would you be coming from? Also, I wasn’t sure how much of a lunch break you get, but you are also welcome to come by and see the studio, and then we could grab a lunch…let me know what works for you.

We have company coming and possibly leaving town for vacation this coming weekend…so we could shoot for the following week? Just pick a day or evening and let me know.

Hope you are having a great day!

 

[joandarc2008]

I would just shoot her back a message that since you find your time with her so enjoyable you are sure that you would also find time with her husband very enjoyable as well and that you think it would be very enjoyable to meet on a day when all three of you could get lunch. I think her response will tell you what her intentions are.

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Joan is right.

Besides. You’re busy during the day. You work. And evenings too. You’re busy then. But thanks for the invite.

When I associated with unmarried men during my marriage… they were friends of my husband and we invited them to the house for dinner. We both were there.

This is odd.

Trust your first instincts.

 

[chevalier]

Epistemes, stuff’s odd and majorly so. I can definitely fathom it having an innocent explanation, but it’s stretching my imagination a bit. Much depends on her comfort zones and I could definitely tell you more if you could recall some more details, as well, but I’m not sure recalling details of it would be healthy for you, so it’s probably better to skip it.

If it happened to me, I would be, “what the…,” but I would play stupid (a lawyer’s all time favourite strategy) and ask, “why would you?” in a neutral or surprised tone, but not a pleased one. I agree with the suggestion to mention her husband and see what happens. I also think Kage’s direct approach idea was a good one.

For the record, I think putting your hand on her waist was a mistake (it’s admittedly rather rare for a married lady to tolerate such gesture, but it wouldn’t be entirely out of bounds between close friends, I guess), but I agree you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it.

OK you see the word in red- I’m giving you the benefit the doubt because I know of few of my military guys just like you who are uneasy around women. Just like marijuana is a gateway drug; cute is a gateway complement. It is where a woman goes from complimenting your mind to your body but can still step back from it if you look easily annoyed. As embarassing as this might be - you may want to find a female friend or cousin or sister or something you can start talking about some of this stuff with to help avoid the jackpots.

“Cute,” tends to mean, “nice but as sexy as a dead fish.” Possibly, an innocent, inexperienced girl could use it in a different sense.