Was this lying?

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LotusCarsLtd

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Long story short: my mom and dad are divorced, I live with my dad, and my dad still has a lot of animosity towards my mom (to the point he forbids me and my sibling from seeing her even though we’re both in our 20’s). If he were to ever discover that I was visiting my mom he’d go ballistic in a bad way.

Today my mom is visiting my sibling and I, and I need to pick her up when she arrives. The issue is I have to keep the visit strictly hidden from my dad or he’ll flip out. So I have to find a way of sneaking out and being with my mom without him knowing. Even though someone suggested I lie about what I am doing, I refuse to do so and instead have to find ways of keeping it hidden without lying…especially problematic when my dad can be extremely nosy.

My dad obviously asked what I was doing today and I had to carefully choose my words so that I not only didn’t lie but so that I didn’t reveal what I was doing (by saying that I was “just going out”, etc.)

Unfortunately I made the mistake of saying that I didn’t really have any plans for the day, only realizing partway through saying this that this wasn’t necessarily true.

Would this last part be a lie?
 
Well, if your father were to ever discover what you are actually doing, he would think of it as a lie. So, I guess it is even if you didn’t mean to. 😦
 
This isn’t necessarily directed at you, but I feel people sometimes tip-toe too much around these things about what is lying to the point where there is still dishonesty. You still live with your father, which means he still has some major involvement in your daily life. In the spirit of things, you were trying to conceal something from him, albeit for good reasons. Whether this constitutes a lie outright or just creates a gray area of the truth is up for debate, but you should try and avoid these situations.

When was the last time you talked to your father about being involved with your mother? Is his animosity driven for the sake of your safety and well-being, or is it issues with her as his ex-wife instaed of the mother of his children? Also, does he let you speak to your mother or allow other communication with her (email, IM, text, etc)?

Please let me know if any of these questions are too personal, but I hope you can confront the issue with your father in a calm, controlled way, and pray that he makes decisions in the best interest of you and your sibling.

Good luck and God bless!
 
Your father is attempting to keep you from observing the 4th Commandment to honour both father and mother, not to mention the 2nd Great Commandment to love your neighbor as yourself. If you have to use deception to keep him from violence while you carry out this Christian duty and pursue the objective good of a loving relationship with your mother, then you are morally allowed to engage in that amount of deception. If you would only have to endure a verbal outburst in response to the news that you were doing the right thing, consider choosing that, instead. If you have any question about your safety or that of other members of your family, though, you may err on the side of prudence.

Since you are being forced to choose the lesser of two evils, however, it is well worth finding an alternative to this dilemma as soon as you can. Keep in mind, too, that your deceptions may be expected to be discovered sooner or later. If you think he’d be ballistic about you seeing your mom, I’m sure you can picture his reaction if he found you’d both done it and lied about it to his face. I’ll will tell you for certain, though: If you are seeing your mother after having agreed to his prohibitions, he will consider it at least a lie of omission if you do it behind his back, anyway. The moral “victory” of using verbal gymnastics and omissions in order to avoid a literal verbal lie aren’t going to impress him very much.

Successfully maintaining a deception is a very poor long-term prospect, as many an adulterer could tell you. Even if you’re never found out and the deception is morally allowed, the stress of it will damage you. Be sure that if the people hiding Anne Frank could have gotten her out of the Secret Annex and to a place free from the threat of the Nazis, they’d have chosen that over the mortal peril of lying to the Nazis!

The sooner you can get out of your father’s home or change your relationship with him so as to live your life both peacefully and free from deception, the better. Please enlist the help, guidance, and moral support of a counsellor or a priest as you navigate this problem.
 
I noticed you didn’t say why exactly your dad would be angry. It stuck out because you are over 18.

But anyway, this is an issue with you because you’ve gotten used to giving in to your father and are no longer strong enough to stand your ground with him.
 
It’s worse to keep a secret like this. Why can’t you tell him that you are seeing your mom? You are old enough.

Talk to a counselor first, or a priest. Maybe someone can be there to mediate when you tell him. Don’t put yourself in a dangerous position. You may have to move out first. If there was/is domestic violence in the home, it can escalate. So be careful.

In Christ,

~Lily
 
DianaCC said:
I noticed you didn’t say why exactly your dad would be angry. It stuck out because you are over 18.

But anyway, this is an issue with you because you’ve gotten used to giving in to your father and are no longer strong enough to stand your ground with him.
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This is the issue (one my mom echoed today) and that’s why I’ll start standing up to him. But I really need prayers for strength to stand up to him.
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
This is the issue (one my mom echoed today) and that’s why I’ll start standing up to him. But I really need prayers for strength to stand up to him.
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:signofcross:

May God aid you and fill you with the Holy Spirit through our Lord Jesus Christ

:amen::blessyou:
 
adrift said:
:signofcross:

May God aid you and fill you with the Holy Spirit through our Lord Jesus Christ

:amen::blessyou:
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Thank you all. While I’m at it I ask for prayers that I not only get out of this unscathed, but that I also quickly learn what battles to pick and that I may be humble enough to know when I’m in the wrong
 
LotusCarsLtd said:
Thank you all. While I’m at it I ask for prayers that I not only get out of this unscathed, but that I also quickly learn what battles to pick and that I may be humble enough to know when I’m in the wrong
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Don’t forget that you are not required to face these tests and moral dilemmas alone. It is a good idea to have someone whose holiness and knowledge you trust, as a person to consult with and to go to for encouragement from time to time, even if you don’t have them as a regular spiritual director.
 
Yes, the last part would be a lie to say you didn’t really have plans for the day. There is, of course, nothing sinful in withholding the truth especially in delicate situations. For example, we can’t lie to the Nazi soldier, but we can most certainly not tell him that we are hiding Jews in the attic. (By the way, I’m not comparing your Dad to a Nazi. I’m simply pointing out a situation where withholding the truth is acceptable.) Whether withholding the truth from your father is the right thing to do I won’t go into.

Even saints dealed with venial sins like minor lying or anger often. The best thing to do is to pray and continue along the path of holiness. We can only attain perfect sinlessness in Heaven although we must most certainly make an effort on Earth to not give into temptations - as well intentioned as they may seem.
 
Paxvobis said:
Yes, the last part would be a lie to say you didn’t really have plans for the day. There is, of course, nothing sinful in withholding the truth especially in delicate situations. For example, we can’t lie to the Nazi soldier, but we can most certainly not tell him that we are hiding Jews in the attic. (By the way, I’m not comparing your Dad to a Nazi. I’m simply pointing out a situation where withholding the truth is acceptable.) Whether withholding the truth from your father is the right thing to do I won’t go into.
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That’s what I’m unsure of, since I only realized it wasn’t true as I was in the midst of saying it.
Even saints dealed with venial sins like minor lying or anger often. The best thing to do is to pray and continue along the path of holiness. We can only attain perfect sinlessness in Heaven although we must most certainly make an effort on Earth to not give into temptations - as well intentioned as they may seem.
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True, but as a scrupulous individual it’s hard for me to remember this.
 
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