Was walking the path of Saints. Now I've lost 4 years progress and I'm worse then ever

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A_mortal_sinner

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When I became religious is 7th grade, it was all because of my Nana. She still offers me guidance and joy whenever I see her.I get to see her almost daily. Anyway, when I started, all I had was a Lutheran bible and a cheap rosary(I didn’t even know what a rosary was.) My mother took away that bible from me after she found me reading it. I fell deeply inlove with the Old Testament. After that Bible was gone, I walked to my grandmothers everyday after school to use her Catholic one. She gave me hundreds of books to choose from and she helped me quit watching so much TV and a lot of phone time. After about 2 months, I had my first real denial of God cross my mind. For 2 years straight I would always be muttering “I believe in God, I believe in God, God is real, He isn’t fake”. I never stopped ever. I still do it because If I ever stopped, I would be bombarded by horrible thoughts. It’s not as bad anymore. I started going to Church on Sundays and I taught myself the rosary. I still sneak out to adoration sometimes, I even went to confession every Saturday. The priest once asked me if I had a spiritual director and I never did. My grandmother said that meant the priest saw something very special about me. Now I have ended up worse then when I started. I am in all kinds of mortal sin. I have:
  • Started cursing again
  • Lying
  • Talking back
  • Hating people
  • fighting
  • avoiding confession
  • skipping Church
  • Caught in porn and masturbation
  • Stealing stuff from family
  • Lusting after boys
  • Never praying
    I am currently (about) 15. I want to badly to go back to my devoured life but I have no one to lean on. My family calls me names and taunts me about how ‘religpus’ I was. I really can’t keep dealing with my family, my brother, sister, and even ADULT family members say the most hurtful things to me. They call me a hypocrite and everything but they don’t see how much I am trying to recourse my life. I never had many friends and currently in high school I have no friends and I was very lonely at one point. I was so depressed and lonesome this year about what I had been doing and how no one could understand my spiritual pain that I did something so terrible it made my parents send me to therapy. Now I am always so angry and upset that I have developed a hatred for my family and even wish for their deaths in front of them. Avoiding confession has made me so apathetic that I no longer feel anything but anger and even hatred for who I once was. I went from holding Gods hand to dancing with demons. I am so sick of everything and yet I just want to care again. Please, I just want you to remember me and pray for me. A rosary or simple ‘Bless Marina Elaine’ or anything, just say it. Heck, ask a little one to pray for me because God loves the prayers of children.
    Thank you for reading this. Almost all Therapists in New York aren’t Catholic, and my family is about as Catholic as Judas(minus my grandparents).
    God bless you all. I’m sorry that you had to read that all
 
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:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2: For you.
You’re caught swirling among many currents.

Your devout grandmother, your unbelieving family, and unsympathetic school environment, puberty (which is pretty much the reverse of fun 😱)

I’m glad you’re seeing a therapist to work out some of the (I’m guessing) anxiety and depression.

I’m just some schmoe on the internet, so take this for what it’s worth, but love/charity/agape is the answer to this one.

Love for God—try to get to confession, and to mass to the best of your ability.

Love the people around you. I know you’re in a high-conflict environment where things were said and things were done. Start by every day praying that God sends His blessing down upon your family, therapist and school mates.

Love yourself. Eat the right foods, get exercise every day, plenty of sleep, fresh air and sunshine.

Very, very :pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2: For you:pray:t2::pray:t2::pray:t2:
 
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And as for the time lost, here’s a quote from the Old Testament, Joel 2:25

And I will restore to you the years the locust have eaten…

In other words, you turn back to Him and He will bring you back to a place of healing and restoration.
 
we are all sinners. Even our Pope attends regular confession. You are in your teen years and working out how to make sense of the world. Stay close to Mary and Jesus.Pray to St Joseph for help in your family.

St Joseph , as the foster father of Jesus, protector of the Holy Family, is a wonderful saint to ask for family intercession
 
Pray, the more sincerely the better-that’s when we really know our need and truly want it, often only when we’re at the end of our rope. Pray. It will change everything.
 
I hope this helps, but the 7 sorrows devotion is something you can do completely mentally without a Bible or Rosary. Don’t get thrown by the title of the link; when you click the it, pay attention to the first one of the promises our Blessed Mother made.

http://www.themostholyrosary.com/appendix1.htm

Hail, holy Queen, Mother of mercy, hail, our life, our sweetness and our hope. To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve: to thee do we send up our sighs, mourning and weeping in this vale of tears. Turn then, most gracious Advocate, thine eyes of mercy toward us, and after this our exile, show unto us the blessed fruit of thy womb, Jesus, O merciful, O loving, O sweet Virgin Mary! Amen.

And may St. Joseph patron of families intercede on your behalf.
 
Just remember, holiness is a process:
‘A saint is not someone who never sins, but one who sins less and less frequently and gets up more and more quickly.’ - St Bernard of Clairvaux
 
A_mortal_sinner said:
After about 2 months, I had my first real denial of God cross my mind. For 2 years straight I would always be muttering “I believe in God, I believe in God, God is real, He isn’t fake”. I never stopped ever. I still do it because If I ever stopped, I would be bombarded by horrible thoughts. It’s not as bad anymore.
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As a person who suffers from scrupulosity, I see this as a sign you might have it as well—being tormented by unwanted thoughts. That symptom alone is a major red flag that you may be suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ( I have it, and I know how you are feeling).

I recommend you talk to a Priest (you should seek out a regular Confessor or spiritual director who can help you through this, because it is obviously causing you a lot of pain) and perhaps tell your therapist that you have intrusive thoughts that cause you great anxiety.

When I was a kid I started getting intrusive thoughts and didn’t understand it, and was left in terrible fear, guilt and torment. Now I know I have OCD and am being treated for it. I still have anxiety and guilt, but I have a better understanding of what is going on, and there is treatment that can help you.

In addition, I have a regular Confessor at Church who not only hears my confessions, but applies traditional Catholic pastoral treatment in dealing with my Scrupulosity (Scrupulosity is a condition that is often related to/or a form of OCD dominated by religious or moral or ethical obsessions.)

Here is a website that may help
http://scrupulousanonymous.org/
 
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I will pray for you. The good advice seems already given, like definitely mention intrusive thoughts to your therapist, even
 
You are in my prayers…

My thoughts -
  1. God does not restore us to the lowest level of holiness. He is so merciful that He restores us to where we were and, if we learn the lesson of our sins (that we are proud and in need of humility) He uses our recent bouts with sin to actually make us more holy than we were. We say, “Father, treat me like one of your hired hands”, and He says, “Quickly, clothe him with the finest robe, put a ring on his finger, and slaughter the fatted calf for a feast.” When you repent and go to confession, remember this; you are not less holy than you were. He restored you to where you were and, if you learned more your need for Him, can be more holy than you were.
  2. Spend more time with your grandparents and discuss some of this with them. Ask them for advice. I strongly suspect that they will be much like the father of the prodigal son. They likhave years of wisdom that they would love to share with you. Listen to their advice, ask them questions, be grateful to them when with them. Afterwards, ponder what they said, pray about it, and then choose how to respond.
 
A_mortal_sinner said:
The priest once asked me if I had a spiritual director and I never did. My grandmother said that meant the priest saw something very special about me.
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The priest probably saw you troubled and in need of such guidance. And it really does look like you need one. Maybe he was thinking of being that for you. I’d take it.
I was scorned by close relatives too when I was a teen going to church. I am still being bullied about God by that close someone and now I learn not to take it personally and be empathic. But at 15 it was too much. I would have prefered having a spiritual director back then and if I ever get one he will be a priest.
I pray for you.
And peace in your family. And may they get nicee to you. Please understand most of that nasty stuff is actually funny between atheists. Laugh and move forward and pray for them and for the peace between you all.
 
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It is not such a bad state of life, to be a Catholic Christian who falls into grave sin from time to time, and they repents promptly and goes to Confession at some time. You should not hold yourself to the standard of the Saints. Pray, practice self-denial, repent promptly after any grave sin, and try to treat others with love and respect.
 
Mary888 said:
The priest probably saw you troubled and in need of such guidance. And it really does look like you need one. Maybe he was thinking of being that for you. I’d take it.
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This. OP, you have unrealistic expectations of yourself. You’re never going to be perfect. Just do the best you can, and when you fail, go to confession and try again.
 
Just keep running the race even if you feel you have fallen behind or maybe have even gone backwards.

Take it a day at a time and remember that the fact you are still alive means you still have hope. God has not given up on you.

Try to look for a spiritual advisor that can act as an accountability partner. If you can’t, try to avail of reconciliation.
 
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I will pray for you. I would recommend finding a good confessor/spiritual director and making a good confession.
 
Don’t be sorry that we had to read it, it’s important that you release your feelings and what’s weighing on you. While nothing is a substitution for Confession, I’ve always found that talking to anyone about what I’ve done wrong can help lift the guilt a bit. Sending prayers your way and will hope for a brighter future for you.
 
We all fall to sin, we aren’t perfect. I feel the same when I sin also, it seems like we are hyprocrytical to our Lord and for all that he has done for us. The beautiful thing is that he knows we aren’t perfect, he knows what we did and do. Its of us to consistently go to confession and pray unceasingly, and in all circumstances give thanks. Have faith always and learn more about the church. Make it obligatory to follow the Shepherd.

If we give God our trust, he will provide. When we fall, may we go running back to our Lord for forgiveness, he will absolve us because he is love. Agape. Especially now and days with the young generation it is important for us to recongize our falls and our victories with God. We shouldnt be ashamed, but rather be in hopes and rejoice in the goodnews. Keep ourselves aware of God and may we fear him. I was around that age when I really did fall the most, trust me it gets better and easier to resist temptation and follow our Lord with joy even through tough times.
 
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You are still very young. You have many ‘high and low points’ yet to experience. One thing that helps…don’t think of any human being as ‘the enemy’. Whoever they are, whatever they do, keep in mind-Jesus died for this person! Try and love these people (Not their sins) and see them as fellow travelers, through this life, along with you. And don’t be afraid to ask for help, even from people who are far from perfect. And learn how to help others. Start with the practical things. Try not to preach to others, and be careful and prayerful about giving any spiritual advice.
Remember, your parents have been put, for the time being, in a place of authority over you. Try and honor and obey them. If you must disagree on something, do so with gentleness and respect. They will appreciate it, as it is honoring to God.
Also, remember that your counselors and teachers have been placed where they should have your respect and cooperation. Even if they are secular, your parents have chosen them so they may help you. so, work on your problems with them. You may be surprised!
Finally, try and put God first in everything. Allow Him to love others through you! Don’t always try to go ‘above and beyond’ what God has asked of you. Try to be an example to others, not by pointing out faults, but by obeying God’s word, in everyday things, to the best of your understanding. You have high standards, which is fine, but, not if they keep you from loving others, and you find yourself judging, instead of loving. Try having a sense of humor, and, when someone does point a mistake, just say that you’ll be working on it. And…work on it!
And, enjoy your time on this Earth. Learn about other things and people. Remember, God is the author of joy. Learn from Him!
 
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Number one:

Do an internet fast. No more internet use for maybe 3 months (except if you really have to for school/ important reasons) (such as your own Lent).

Number two:
Go to confession as soon as you can.

Number three:
Pray each day (even just for 5 to 10 mins).
Saint Dominic had a saying:
‘When you pray the rosary each day:
Either you will stop sinning, or stop praying the rosary.’

Saint Padre Pio said similarily:
‘Those who pray daily are safe,
Those who pray sometimes are in danger,
Those who never pray are lost.’

Number 3:
Visit your grandmother each week.
Saint Pope John Paul and Pope Francis have both said, if you cannot find a priest spiritual director, at the very least try to talk to a really reliable catholic friend (because a good catholic friend will always tell you to stay true to the church).
Visit your grandmother, don’t tell her what sins of this world that you find difficult, just say: that you have fallen away from the church and need help coming back to Jesus.

Number 4:
Oftentimes a good catholic book to help meditate on Heaven, hell, purgatory, and judgement (which the church says are the 4 last things), is a good way to help converting.

Ask your grandmother for a loan of a book from a saint who had a private revelation of the above.

You need to develop a holy fear of being seperated from God (rather than slipping into lukewarm lapsed-catholicism),

Eg: watch this youtube video describing Saint Faustina’s vision of Hell


Jesus told Saint Faustina:
‘People have a CHOICE. To run to the arms of My Justice, or to run to the arms of My Mercy.’

‘My Justice is also a Mercy, because many are the souls who turn from the arms of My Justice and seek My Mercy.’
 
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