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1990Domer
Guest
I think I wanted advice on how to let girls down gently.
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1990Domer
Guest
Yes. The girl he said he wanted to be friends with kicked him…and her friend did it next. And they play soccer!
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1990Domer
Guest
Dad, my lovely DH, is as clueless as DS. Both have mild Aspergers. At least my son thinks sex outside marriage is totally gross and that he is happiest when he is in Church serving Mass.
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1990Domer
Guest
He has no interest in dating, and if he is, it will not be for a long time. He asks me advice on how not to hurt a girl by telling her he only wants to be friends. He was home/cyber schooled and was completely lost when a girl said she liked him. It was encrypted in some sort of teen code he doesn’t get.
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1990Domer
Guest
This was after Mass.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
I’m wondering if you’re more invested in this religious vocation idea than he is. He’s coming up on a time of very rapid physical, emotional, and social changes. Even if he does end up a priest, he’s got a long, internal journey ahead of him and until youth and puberty are over, he’s not really in a position to discern soberly. Since he has Asperger’s, he’ll benefit from some good coaching or mentoring to get him through. Why not take the vocation pressure off until he’s gotten a grip on high school and beyond?
You’ve made comments that you’re glad he’s not interested in social media or girls because it makes your life easier. That’s understandable. But, those things are normal for young teenagers and can be explored without sin. Maybe it’s not that he isn’t interested, but rather, he just doesn’t “get” them or know how to engage? Thinking premarital sex is wrong is normal, but an 8th grade boy who finds it “totally gross” probably has some things going on that he’s not talking about, at least not with his mom.
I’m wondering if when he responded with “let’s just be friends”, it wasn’t in response to an actual advance. Social misunderstandings are very common with autism, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. I’m not as convinced as you are that the group of girls was trying to flirt with him, and if that’s the case, help understanding basic interactions and signals between the sexes will be crucial for him.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
Given his peer isolation, seeking out social skills training specifically for kids with autism is probably the most beneficial thing you could do for him and will serve him his entire life. Even if he does become a priest, he will have to be able to relate to others with relative ease.
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1990Domer
Guest
Ok, let me explain a little more. He gets a lot of female attention because he’s gone through puberty, voice deepened, braces off, etc. He’s tall, like his dad, so older girls approach him. He will be 15 in July (he was a preemie, so he started school a year late). Girls already tell him the like him–as more than a friend. Is he interested in a movie or going for ice cream? He says it’s OK, but he’s not interested in dating. That’s when the girls get angry and kick him.
He’s confided that he has a crush but if he were to go out with her, it’d be more like a play date. I know the girl, nice family, but he has no interest in asking a girl out. Kids tease him saying he’s (we’ll leave it out).
I don’t bud into anything except to help him interpret what happened or what is happening.
So, that’s where I’m at. He has such a deep voice and is tall, he’s mistaken for being much older. I think that’s it.
He’s confided that he has a crush but if he were to go out with her, it’d be more like a play date. I know the girl, nice family, but he has no interest in asking a girl out. Kids tease him saying he’s (we’ll leave it out).
I don’t bud into anything except to help him interpret what happened or what is happening.
So, that’s where I’m at. He has such a deep voice and is tall, he’s mistaken for being much older. I think that’s it.
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pianistclare
Guest
**This is all normal. **
Nothing to worry about nor fix.
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Allegra
Guest
Well, rule one would be not to offer his intentions unless asked. Like, directly asked. Which probably didn’t happen in a group of friends. Even if a girl is perceived as being “flirty”, you don’t need to “let them down” in public. I don’t really condone kicking in most cases, but a public rejection is definitely approaching the threshold of deserving a kick.
Mary_Gail_36
New member
In general girls that age are more mature and more socially comfortable than boys that age. Pair that with Asperger, it might be more difficult in general for this young man.
For the OP, you should just let this incident go, and encourage your son to not dwell on it.
For the OP, you should just let this incident go, and encourage your son to not dwell on it.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Actually, it is not at all typical for one young person to kick another one, let alone right in front of the church moments after the conclusion of Mass and to just get away with it.
I don’t know how he “let them down,” but they had no right to kick him. That was just unacceptable, and he shouldn’t have hesitated to tell them so. No one should imply that he got kicked because of anything he said. It would be a normal consequence if he refused to have anything to do with them until they apologized for kicking him. He’s in 8th grade, though, so as his mother I wouldn’t swoop in, but encourage him to draw his own boundaries in no uncertain terms.
After all, even Our Lord said: “If I have spoken wrongly, testify to the wrong; but if I have spoken rightly, why do you strike me?” (John 18:23) It is no moral failure to correct someone who just hit you without cause. The truth is, if you fail to correct them in this case, they’ll probably feel more emboldened to go on to kick someone else.
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EasterJoy
Guest
Based on my experience teaching high school freshmen, I’d say that while there might be slightly more mature individuals among the females than the males, young people that age are generally likely to regress in their maturity. They do things and act in ways that would shame a lot of 10 year olds. The more the situation has to do with their sexual feelings, the more likely to take all leave of their senses, regardless of gender. (It is biology; the brain unwires to some degree during adolescence.)
Two adolescent girls? It can go like the guys: One kid, one brain, two kids, 1/2 a brain each, and more than that, no brains between the whole group of them.
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Allegra
Guest
Not these girls, apparently.
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pensmama87
Guest
Maybe I’m just really off and missing something, but this reminds me a lot of “set-ups” some of the bored and mean kids would pull on the quirky or awkward kids when I was in middle or high school. The kicking thing is just too weird.
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BlueEyedLady
Guest
That’s exactly my thought.
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Irishmom2
Guest
That thought crossed my mind too, pensmama. Two girls both doing that at the same to a guy, and then kicking him? I mean really, **kicking **him? The collective hello was what made me suspicious from the start. As if they had been plotting or discussing this beforehand.
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Roseeurekacross
Guest
1990Domer, Walk through the math/engineering/ science halls at Harvard, MIT, Cambridge, you are going to find offices full of Professors who register on the Autism Spectrum.
And almost without exception they have a very hard time with social interaction ( outside their professional space).
This is normal. This will always be normal. You must also remember puberty is not over for him. He is only 15. His hormones are just warming up !
The best advice is to find a good support network for children on the Autism Spectrum and go to experienced people there to help hone social skills. I take it he will attend a school
Now?
And yes, your son needs lots of time and experience working out his future. Priests are quite well known for having grad and post grad Qualifications.
And almost without exception they have a very hard time with social interaction ( outside their professional space).
This is normal. This will always be normal. You must also remember puberty is not over for him. He is only 15. His hormones are just warming up !
The best advice is to find a good support network for children on the Autism Spectrum and go to experienced people there to help hone social skills. I take it he will attend a school
Now?
And yes, your son needs lots of time and experience working out his future. Priests are quite well known for having grad and post grad Qualifications.
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EasterJoy
Guest
So what’s the girls’ excuse? It’s OK to flirt with someone and then kick him? And then have your friend kick him? I’d hate to think what an 8th grade boy would have to do to an 8th grade girl to deserve being kicked. Being on the autism spectrum doesn’t mean you’re going to go through life literally getting kicked around.
If anything, the parents of those girls need a heads up that their children are out kicking other kids. On don’t know what spectrum they’re on, but that habit needs to stop and now. You gang up on another kid with kicking at school, you can get expelled.
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pensmama87
Guest
Right. When I was a new kid, I had two classmates try to pull a prank on me where they insisted a certain boy liked me but was too shy to say so. I told them if he did, he’d better tell me himself if he wanted anything to come of it. They tried for another few minutes but gave up. (The boy, of course, had no idea about any of it.)
There was one kid in our class who fell for these pranks constantly, by these same people and their friends. I would try to tell him they were making fun of him, but he didn’t believe me because they weren’t yelling at him or laughing in his face. (A couple years later he asked me to the prom because he was sure that my trying to stop their bullying must mean I liked him.
)Unfortunately social awkwardness and naivety is like blood in the water to mean people, because they often don’t even understand what’s happening in the moment. I don’t know how you teach something like that, but that’s one thing professionals might be a good resource for.
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