Wasn't sure where to put--good son delimma

[Roseeurekacross]

So what’s the girls’ excuse? It’s OK to flirt with someone and then kick him? And then have your friend kick him? I’d hate to think what an 8th grade boy would have to do to an 8th grade girl to deserve being kicked. Being on the autism spectrum doesn’t mean you’re going to go through life literally getting kicked around.

If anything, the parents of those girls need a heads up that their children are out kicking other kids. On don’t know what spectrum they’re on, but that habit needs to stop and now. You gang up on another kid with kicking at school, you can get expelled.

Treat it with love. Did the parent see it?
We are not here to make the excuses for the girls.
We have no idea if the girls were flirting or being friendly
No one deserves physical or emotional abuse, ever. Infact to even think that way is erroneous .

Regardless of their gender, level of ability age etc

When my son was about this age , he came home with a cigerette burn, from a girl at school.
I knew about it because it needed medical attention.

I rang the school, told them, got the phone number of the girl’s parents, rang them. Both parents were overseas. This girl had a few abandonment issues. Between my son, her teachers, and whomever was meant to be caring for her

We treated the incident with love. And I wasn’t even practicing my religion then.

She and my son became great friends.

 

[EasterJoy]

Treat it with love. Did the parent see it?
We are not here to make the excuses for the girls.
We have no idea if the girls were flirting or being friendly
No one deserves physical or emotional abuse, ever. Infact to even think that way is erroneous .

Regardless of their gender, level of ability age etc

When my son was about this age , he came home with a cigerette burn, from a girl at school.
I knew about it because it needed medical attention.

I rang the school, told them, got the phone number of the girl’s parents, rang them. Both parents were overseas. This girl had a few abandonment issues. Between my son, her teachers, and whomever was meant to be caring for her

We treated the incident with love. And I wasn’t even practicing my religion then.

She and my son became great friends.

This is a good way to look at it. Two girls flirting with a guy one minute and kicking him the next is not normal behavior after the age of about, I don’t know…three? Five, maybe? It should not just be passed over. That isn’t a kindness. Finding out what on earth is up with them doesn’t have to mean calling for their heads on a pike. (For the son’s sake, the more discretely the matter is pursued, the better.)

 

[Allegra]

Maybe I’m just really off and missing something, but this reminds me a lot of “set-ups” some of the bored and mean kids would pull on the quirky or awkward kids when I was in middle or high school. The kicking thing is just too weird.

The kicking thing is way weird. My teacher side wants to speak to the girls and find out what the heck they think they are doing, but my parent side thinks that it’s best if the kids learn to resolve issue amongst themselves. Do you know these girls’ parents? How does your son know them? Have you talked to your son and asked him how he would like to handle it? Maybe this is one of those situations where you ask him if he would like you to intervene or not. He’s kind of at that middle age. If he was 16, then it would be more obvious that you could advise him of his options and then let him take care of it. If he was 7, I’d be calling some parents. But he’s right in that middle ground.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So what’s the girls’ excuse? It’s OK to flirt with someone and then kick him? And then have your friend kick him? I’d hate to think what an 8th grade boy would have to do to an 8th grade girl to deserve being kicked. Being on the autism spectrum doesn’t mean you’re going to go through life literally getting kicked around.

If anything, the parents of those girls need a heads up that their children are out kicking other kids. On don’t know what spectrum they’re on, but that habit needs to stop and now. You gang up on another kid with kicking at school, you can get expelled.

No one is making excuses for these girls. But, even if they’re punished and taught better, there will always be cruel people who amuse themselves by picking on those they view as vulnerable or oblivious. Learning how to recognize genuine romantic interest, or even just friendship, from mockery (among other crucial social skills) is the only way he can protect himself.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Not these girls, apparently.

I’m sorry. I totally missed the kicking part.

That’s just mean and odd.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I’m sorry. I totally missed the kicking part.

That’s just mean and odd.

I thought the kicking thing was metaphorical, like the cool, hip kids say these days, as in “yo girlfriend, I was crushing on this dreamboat and he didn’t hit me up for digits so I had to kick him yo”

But if the others actually assaulted him then I’m gonna need to amend my answer…

 

[mommy_k]

All teens or most teens are wacky. At this age is when the drama sometimes starts. Who knows why they sometimes do these things…and when you try to figure it out…well, there are a million different things it can be.

These girls may have liked the op, and dared each other to say hi. The op’s son only had to ask the girls “what is your problem?.” After they kicked him. He’s 13 not 4. Unless he needed medical attention, he can handle this himself.

The op needs to equip her son in private by asking him what he can do next time to diffuse or how to react…He needs to think for himself, and stand up for himself for 1 time occurances like this. He needs to become independent, with indeoendant thought. …this is the age to start cutting the cord…moms cannot be with thier kids 24/7, and it’s harmful if they step in too much.

If the op calls parents for things like this…yes, in high school the kids will leave her son alone…very alone.

And they will leave her alone too.

 

[Allegra]

All teens or most teens are wacky. At this age is when the drama sometimes starts. Who knows why they sometimes do these things…and when you try to figure it out…well, there are a million different things it can be.

These girls may have liked the op, and dared each other to say hi. The op’s son only had to ask the girls “what is your problem?.” After they kicked him. He’s 13 not 4. Unless he needed medical attention, he can handle this himself.

The op needs to equip her son in private by asking him what he can do next time to diffuse or how to react…He needs to think for himself, and stand up for himself for 1 time occurances like this. He needs to become independent, with indeoendant thought. …this is the age to start cutting the cord…moms cannot be with thier kids 24/7, and it’s harmful if they step in too much.

If the op calls parents for things like this…yes, in high school the kids will leave her son alone…very alone.

And they will leave her alone too.

Meh. I’d want to know if my daughter was out kicking autistic kids in front of church. And which of her friends was encouraging her to do it.

 

[1990Domer]

Maybe I can fill in some gaps. I am not the one who needs to cut the apron strings. My son asks me why this happened. All I could say is that he disappointed one of them. These are girls that went to the Catholic grammar school I pulled him from.

He served the vigil mass Wednesday and then was delayed because the the altar girl serving with him kept the Easter candle lit. He went back to extinguish it.

So, most people went home and a mom that was sweet to him in grammar school was talking to someone, but called Chris over to see how he was doing (note: she also pulled her boy from the same school for bullying reasons). The girls said hello the moment we left the church. But, my son asked to see how they were doing–the one girl in mind liked him when he was still in school–and probably felt rebuked again and…

Note: she had done this to other boys, but it was more because it was fairly mild teasing.

I am sure he was polite, answered like the priest told him to, and thus the result.

As I said before, I am not unfamiliar with AS. I don’t need to go to MIT to see it. I married a man who was also a prodigy as a child, and I worked on his social skills for 26+ years (and it still is a work in progress).

Has he been set-up for teasing? Yes…too many times to count. When people tease or hurt him, he always says, “Bear wrongs with patience.” But, the one thing Aspie kids have a hard time doing is generalizing. My son sees new social situations as can’t reflect back to the past. So, he often comes off as awkward and will always apologize when he thinks he offended someone (which also annoys other kids).

I was hoping someone out there had seen or heard of this happening.

 

[1990Domer]

Meh. I’d want to know if my daughter was out kicking autistic kids in front of church. And which of her friends was encouraging her to do it.

Oh, trust me. We know who they are. Thank goodness their grades weren’t good enough to put them in honors classes.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

The more I read of this the more I think there wasn’t anything your son did wrong. He’s fifteen with Aspergers. A lot of 15 year old boys are socially awkward. Give him time and patience.

The girls should have known better than to tease him or kick him. They were mean. No excuse.

Why this happened could be explained to him as sometimes people can be very cruel. Pray for them. Your son made a benign social faux pas. He shouldn’t be kicked for it.

 

[1990Domer]

I think that’s where I’m confused. What else could he have said than he only wants to be friends?

 

[Irishmom2]

I think that’s where I’m confused. What else could he have said than he only wants to be friends?

I suppose that would all depend on what she/they actually said to him.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think that’s where I’m confused. What else could he have said than he only wants to be friends?

I don’t know. Nothing he said justified kicking him. My son doesn’t have aspergers but a brain injury. He was outgoing and liked sports, was great at baseball. Now he’s very anxious, shy, he is self conscious about his injury especially because he’s partially deaf now and slurs his words. The cafeteria is difficult for him because he can’t differentiate where sounds are coming from while missing sounds.

All this, if someone called him over and he made a faux pas in speaking ( like we all do, I did in this thread because I missed the kicking part) and someone kicked him, I’d be livid.

Just try to have him forget it. And maybe practice roll playing. I don’t think that saying I just want to be friends is so terrible that they needed to kick him and make him feel bad.

 

[1990Domer]

I was re-reading the replies, and I want to say that I don’t give him advice…he asks me. And he wouldn’t want to be alone with a girl. Aspie kids tend to be rule followers…and even then some. He is extremely scrupulous and frequents Confession very often–about every three weeks. My husband and I can’t let him figure it out for himself because the world is too complex for him, given the rise of the Internet. That’s why he goes for social skills practice/training every week.

I was simply hoping someone else had this experience. And he is extremely gifted, like DH. Where DH had it in math, DS has it in science. He’s the kind of kid that thinks there need be more Catholic scientists and less of Bill Nye or Stephen Hawkings.

Once again, thank you for the replies!

 

[1990Domer]

I don’t know. Nothing he said justified kicking him. My son doesn’t have aspergers but a brain injury. He was outgoing and liked sports, was great at baseball. Now he’s very anxious, shy, he is self conscious about his injury especially because he’s partially deaf now and slurs his words. The cafeteria is difficult for him because he can’t differentiate where sounds are coming from while missing sounds.

All this, if someone called him over and he made a faux pas in speaking ( like we all do, I did in this thread because I missed the kicking part) and someone kicked him, I’d be livid.

Just try to have him forget it. And maybe practice roll playing. I don’t think that saying I just want to be friends is so terrible that they needed to kick him and make him feel bad.

I asked him. He said that C wanted him to be her boyfriend and DS said that he couldn’t because he was too young and only wanted to be friends. Now he feels it’s his fault for hurting her feelings. We told him it was her problem, not his. He internalizes other people’s issues. This has always been tough for him, and he still working on it. He is very hard on himself.

 

[1990Domer]

I don’t know. Nothing he said justified kicking him. My son doesn’t have aspergers but a brain injury. He was outgoing and liked sports, was great at baseball. Now he’s very anxious, shy, he is self conscious about his injury especially because he’s partially deaf now and slurs his words. The cafeteria is difficult for him because he can’t differentiate where sounds are coming from while missing sounds.

All this, if someone called him over and he made a faux pas in speaking ( like we all do, I did in this thread because I missed the kicking part) and someone kicked him, I’d be livid.

Just try to have him forget it. And maybe practice roll playing. I don’t think that saying I just want to be friends is so terrible that they needed to kick him and make him feel bad.

I am sorry about your son’s cross, but I completely understand the anxious, shy and self-conscious. My son hates that Aspergers is in the diagnostic handbook for mental illnesses and that he is considered disabled. We are still working on those aspects with him too.

 

[EasterJoy]

The more I read of this the more I think there wasn’t anything your son did wrong. He’s fifteen with Aspergers. A lot of 15 year old boys are socially awkward. Give him time and patience.

The girls should have known better than to tease him or kick him. They were mean. No excuse.

Why this happened could be explained to him as sometimes people can be very cruel. Pray for them. Your son made a benign social faux pas. He shouldn’t be kicked for it.

We don’t know what spectrum either of the girls are on or what their stories are. They may, for instance, come from homes where violence is a common way to express frustration.

While we can know what they did is totally unacceptable we cannot know if they have any excuse.

 

[EasterJoy]

I asked him. He said that C wanted him to be her boyfriend and DS said that he couldn’t because he was too young and only wanted to be friends. Now he feels it’s his fault for hurting her feelings. We told him it was her problem, not his. He internalizes other people’s issues. This has always been tough for him, and he still working on it. He is very hard on himself.

It is praiseworthy to look at yourself very hard when you have an interaction with someone and they are upset, and I’d tell him so. His concern that he might be somehow at fault for her reaction isn’t a bad thing, in and of itself.

I’d let him know, however, that guilt feelings are more like a fire alarm than a fire. Sometimes they go off without any reason to call the fire department, and sometimes the fire department needs to be called even when they don’t go off.

I’d also let him know that boundaries need to be drawn even when those who would violate them have an excuse. In spite of those who imply otherwise (Frost among them), knowing where your boundaries are and knowing when and how to keep them is necessary to good friendships. You can be friends and still let your friends know you don’t take kindly to being kicked. .

 

[pianistclare]

I think that’s where I’m confused. What else could he have said than he only wants to be friends?

I still don’t get how the thought there was more to it than them just giggling and saying hi.
Surely neither propositioned him in the church?
He didn’t deserve to be kicked, but perhaps he assumed too much? I don’t know I wasn’t there. If all they were doing was flirting, he really didn’t need to say anything.
It’s confusing. I’m still not sure what exactly happened and why either arty reacted the way they did.
I need to go back and re-read your posts for clarity,