Watching my life fall to peices

[I_Belong_To_Me]

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and on a search to find out why this is all happening to my family and I, if you can even call it a family anymore!

My parents were happily married and three years ago things just started to unravel at an alarming rate. My father would go out drinking with his friends and my mother would stay home. When he came home he would yell at her, often scream at her so loud that I would be woken up and wonder if I should call the police…or if maybe the neighbours had already.

One night it got so bad that there was doors slaming so hard I thought they might fall right off of the hinges, there was fists slamming on closed doors and pushing and shoving and throwing of objects at each other.

Then things calmed down a little bit after that, but little did I know what my mother had in store, she started looking for a place to live all alone.

She waited one day this October early on in the month for my father to go to work and she had a dozen people come over and help her pack the things that she wanted in the place i used to call a home, and she left. It was done with in 5 hours and we were all gone.

Now my father hates her, and I guess part of that is understandable. Maybe he thought that she would never have the guts to leave him.

Almost three months later i’m still getting hateful emails from my father about how much of a horrible person my mother is and how much he hates her…he emailed me yesterday and said he hated my mother so much that he wasnt having Chrismtas this year at all that he didnt even want to see me ether.

So my question is, was it wrong for my mother to leave a loving relationship, turned abusive?

Why does my father hate her so so much? Can’t he see that to build a marriage it takes two people and to have it fall apart it takes two people as well?

Why do I feel like he hates me as much as he hates my mother?

Because of watching my parents and how they’ve torn my entire family apart and hurt so many people in the process, including themselves. For me it’s another day…another girl left so confused trying to find my way within this mess.

I almost feel somedays like I betrayed my father because one day he was in my home and then he was gone, I walked away from him…

Some days I wake up and I wonder what God has in store for my so-called family. All I want to is forget about ‘love’. I dont want to care at all anymore. I used only care a little bit but sometimes I think that I care way to much. I look at the relationship I have with my fiance and somedays I wake up and wish that I never felt this love thing because look how it turned out for my parents? I guess i’m just trying to brace myself for the fall.

It’s not like I can fix this, it’s not my problem to fix, or is it?
I just want to erase it from my memories…all my precious time that i’ve worried about this, i cant get it back, so lost and alone…and i cant take feeling like that, I’ve had enough I just want to move on. Im sick of looking back. Doesnt God say be strong?

Thankyou for your replys and advice…in advance.

I_Belong_To_Me

 

[OriginalJS]

I don’t have any qualifications to say how to handle this tragedy. But, (1) It isn’t your fault. (2) There is nothing wrong with your mother taking you out of an abusive relationship. If you don’t have a priest to go to, try a school counselor. I’m sure other posters will have more ideas.

 

[jmcrae]

You can’t see it right now, but your mother did the right thing.

It’s not safe for you or your mother to be around him. Right now, he hates everyone.

The reason is that he has been badly poisoned by a drug called alcohol - it is affecting his brain, and he no longer knows himself. The part of his brain that helps him think things through and figure things out isn’t working right now. Neither is the part that tells him who he loves, and who loves him. That’s why he’s angry and violent.

And no, it’s not your problem to fix. Nor your mother’s. He alone can take the steps to get the help he needs - and nobody can force him to do that. He must freely choose it.

 

[dulcissima]

I really recommend seeing a counselor. Maybe your mom could help you find one, but if not you local domestic violence shelter should have someone for you to talk to help you understand what is happening in your family. It is definitely not your fault and neither one of your parents should use you in any way to get at the other parent.

Chances are your parents marriage was not a happy marriage turned abusive. There were most likely little signs along the way as far back as when they were dating. You point to three years ago things changing, but that is probably just because that is when things got loud enough and ugly enough to demand your attention and to make your mother realize that she had to get out of this situation. I think the counseling will be really important so that you can understand how probably a lot of what you grew up with as “normal” over the years really isn’t so normal and it will be important for you to realize some of the more subtle signs of a potential abuser as you grow up and start to date.

BTW, here are some common signs of a potential abuser:

-Does the he/she insist on having control over your life, thoughts, and behavior?
-Does he/she intimidate you by yelling or by threatening to withdraw his/her love or to leave you if you do not do as he/she wishes?
-Does he/she switch from charm to anger without warning?
-Does he/she project the blame for all his/her failures and shortcomings onto you?
-Is he/she extremely jealous and possessive?
-Does he/she force you to participate in sexual acts that are unpleasant to you?
-Does he/she humiliate you in front of others?
-Is he/she charming in public, but becomes a different person in private?
-Is he/she in competition with important people in your life for attention?
-Does he/she frighten you into submission by threats of physical violence?
-Does he/she isolate you from your family and friends?
-Does he/she break your possessions or objects, or his/her possessions or objects?
-Is he/she hypersensitive and easily upset by annoyances that are part of daily life?
-Does he/she have a past history of abuse?

 

[Catolico]

I´m sorry you´re going through all this. I´ll be praying for you.

 

[Kristopher]

Dear Watching:

Your situation is different than mine. My parents divorced when I was four. I haven’t seen my father since, and concluded some yrs. back that I would rather keep it this way, which might be appalling to many–the basic point that I came around to figuring out about a year or two ago, and I struggled with this when I was a kid is this: I have to still honor both my father and my mother, odd as it may seem; given I haven’t seen him for a very long time, but I can do my best to do what is right in life, and I think that this is an honor to both my parents; it is a struggle at times just to honor my own mother.

I’ve had a hard time with relationships in my life, my track record is mixed–some say my self-esteem is low; given some of my sexual behaviors in confession, which I need not share with you, but it can be a sad reality for many that experienced divorce, the first commandment is of course pivotal to all the others, and it is first, because it makes following all the others possible.

My parents divorced when I was four; I saw people shot in my neighborhood, a son shooting his father, then himself between ages five and six, and neighbors across the street going insane, more killing; gang fights, and I still say, in this neighborhood I had good memories. Already agitated, my child was murdered by abortion, when I was seventeen, eighteen, and then I went into combat, killing single handedly with Claymore mines quite a few people, and finding my family suffering upon reflection at the hands of a variety of ideologies, both political and economic: I came through these sufferings recognizing that I am confident: I keep going.

Most people would have been dead sometime ago had they experienced only half of what I have gone through. I do not mean to talk too much about myself, but I mean: odd is it may sound; I mean to encourage you.

Life is hard. It’s okay this way. I laugh. I love. I care, and I faced the attempted suicide of my best friend; the suicidal thoughts of myself, and the murder of others–I love life. I need some good experiences in life.

I try to live by The Serenity Prayer. Pay real close attention to it. I’m thirty-six yrs. old. I’m a hero. I’m traumatized.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; enjoying each moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it be. Trusting you will make all things right, if I surrender to your will that I might be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy with you forever in the next.

God has gotten me through bullets buzzing by my head in combat, and the trauma of seeing my baby murdered; God can get you through your family falling apart–God gave Satan the ability to exercise all his powers, because as it is said in the prayer there: He can make all things right; it doesn’t excuse any of us to do anything wrong, but should instead motivate us to love Him all the more for the forgiveness He would love to give us upon choosing Him as number one in our lives.

Most sincerely,

Kristopher

 

[Jay2]

Things can work out, although it may take some time… months, years, or even decades.

My parents were married 25 years until one day in April '75. I got home from school and they were sitting in the living room. Within an hour my life as I knew it fell apart. I won’t go into the gory details of the next 30 years, but I’ll offer a few tidbits:

It’s NOT your fault.
YOU can’t do anything about it.
You really don’t know what the details are.
You don’t need or want to know what the details are.
You’ll have to grow a backbone and a somewhat thick skin in the coming years.
If you’re having trouble, get yourself some help.

As I said, things can work out. Yesterday my wife, kids, and I picked up my Dad at his house, my Mom at her house, and drove to my wife’s parents for Thanksgiving. The six of us in a car together for 2 hours each way, and all afternoon at the in-laws. No fights and civil conversation! Only took about 25 years to get this far.

 

[I_Belong_To_Me]

Thankyou, everyone for your replies, that came so quickly!

I guess sometimes, I wish that I was younger than 21, much much younger so I wouldnt be able to understand so much of what is going on.

I’m considering seeing a counselor, but its easier for me to type than it is for me to talk, atleast behind a screen no one can see you cry.

I do wonder if the way I feel about love now has anything to do with watching my parents marriage crumble. My parents were together since my mother was 18 and my father was 22. They married when my mother was 22.

A lot of you have said that this has nothing to do with me and its not my fault, that I’m not the reason that my parents marriage crumbled, but what I havent mentioned was that, I was born a sick, deathly sick baby. I was 3 and 1/2 months early and wasn’t suppose to live through the night I was born emergency C-Section. I’m not sitting here thinking that maybe thats the reason all these years later, but maybe the stress of it all, just kind of was like a ticking time bomb? Or maybe it has nothing to do with this situation. Nobody knows, i guess.

My mother has never been alone/single/living on her own since she was 18 and all of a sudden she’s living alone with me and my fiance for now.

Following in my mothers footsteps, (unintentionally) of course, I havent been single, since I was 16, I spent 3 years in a verbally abusive/physically abusive relationship before I found my fiance who, is wonderful but sometimes I wonder if my marriage will turn out like my mothers…

Does God on give us things we can handle? Or does He give us more than we can handle?

Is it wrong for me to want to get across a suble message to my fiance before I get married? I just want to make sure it’s right before I open up my heart. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to share my life with him, it’s just that I’m the one I need to be true too…is that right? I dont want to give up who I am to be part of him.
I dont believe I need somebody to complete me…shouldn’t we complete ourselves, and not rely on others to complete us? Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of ‘you have to love yourself before someone else can’? Nobodys’s got to belong to somebody else. Shouldn’t your heart…be your own posession, and when you look in the mirror, it should be you, you’re looking at…and not who someboys changed you into. Who you are shouldn’t be about who your with…right?
“Give all your love…but don’t give up your soul” isnt that how it goes? Your soul belongs to God?

Love shouldnt mean changing who you are to be who somebody wants you to be. I think thats what happened with my parents, my mother changed into somebody my father wanted and lost herself. And now she’s just finding herself again?
Somebody should have told her that she is one person with a whole heart, and one soul…shes not half of two.

I know this is kind of all over the place, its kind of where my head is right now it’s just spinning. Sorry.

I_Belong_To_Me

 

[dulcissima]

Do go to a counselor and don’t worry about not having a screen to hide your tears behind. Go there and cry your eyes out and let the words come pouring out of you. I’ve just left my marriage of 17 years (been together since age 17, got married at 22) for the reason of abuse and I know what you are talking about and what you don’t want to go through. I am lucky that I found myself again after my husband has tried for years to make me cease to exist. I thank God for the grace that helped me to leave and I am so happy your mom found the same grace. Trust me, that place you don’t want to go – don’t you ever underestimate it. It is spiritual death, soul murder. Please see a counselor so that you can understand where you fit in this whole pattern of abuse and how to find your way to a safe place so that you won’t have to live this life that is no life. I’ve been going to counseling now every week for six months and I have done my share of crying and hurting, but I have found peace, strength, and purpose and I pray that you will too. God bless.

 

[I_Belong_To_Me]

Thankyou dulcissima for your reply.

I’d go to counselling, I agree with you that it is a good idea that I go…I agree with everyone that said I should consider going, but I have a problem crying in front of people, it doesnt matter if I know them or i dont, I have a really hard time crying infront of people, and i’m not sure where that comes from.

I’m glad to hear that you had the strength to leave your marriage. And i’m very glad to hear that you found yourself again.

Maybe I’ll take my fiance with me to counseling just for my own moral support, I have trust issues too, as a result of this situation, and a stalker. (I dont understand why God gave me that either, but thats another problem, there’s no forum for that).

Dulcissima, wherever life takes you, please remember…You belong to you, you dont belong to anyone, your heart is your own possession. Be your own relflection, you are one beautiful person, one heart, one soul…you’re not half of two.

I_Belong_To_Me

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

…but what I havent mentioned was that, I was born a sick, deathly sick baby. I was 3 and 1/2 months early and wasn’t suppose to live through the night I was born emergency C-Section. I’m not sitting here thinking that maybe thats the reason all these years later, but maybe the stress of it all, just kind of was like a ticking time bomb? Or maybe it has nothing to do with this situation. Nobody knows, i guess.

Sweetie, your birth didn’t cause the abuse. The truth is that difficult events (like your traumatic birth) can indeed uncover or trigger tension in the family–but those events just expose the disfunctionality that boiled beneath the surface. Statistically speaking, many families break apart after a child is diagnosed with cancer, a beloved relative dies, a child is born, etc.

Three days after my son was born, his father (now my ex-husband) started to beat us. But my baby didn’t cause his father to be a bad man. His daddy had always lived a selfish, angry life. It’s just that when the baby was born, all that selfishness and anger burst to the surface because he finally had to face his responsibilities–and he totally failed that challenge.

I think it’s safe to say that your father’s anger issues have nothing to do with you and probably nothing to do with your mother.

Did I catch that you’re living with your fiance though? If so, please, please, please stop. You’re wise to be wary of committing to a marriage with all of this confusion in your life right now. I really admire you for asking all of these intelligent questions and seeking answers about love. But trust me, you can’t evaluate this clearly if you are not living chastely.

Is it wrong for me to want to get across a suble message to my fiance before I get married? I just want to make sure it’s right before I open up my heart. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to share my life with him, it’s just that I’m the one I need to be true too…is that right? I dont want to give up who I am to be part of him.

To me this is a big sign that this is not the right guy for you. In a perfect marriage, the two do become one. Not in an “I’d just die without you and I can’t stand on my own two feet!” way. They should become one in a way modeled after the divine love of the Holy Trinity. The husband and wife are self-sacrificing, loving, and forever faithful. If you are at all worried about being swallowed by your fiance, perhaps you should explore what goes on in your relationship that makes you feel this way. I am sure he is a basically kind and decent fellow, but that doesn’t mean you ought to marry him. Or that either one of you is ready to commit to that.

I guess this hits close to home for me also because I came from a family background similar to yours. And I married the wrong guy because I had no clue what love should look like, or what a real marriage should entail. I was lucky enough to qualify for a decree of nullity… but some are not so fortunate.

Please take your sweet time exploring these matters and don’t commit to marriage until God grants you absolute peace regarding your vocation, your readiness, and your prospective husband. You’re in my prayers. Pray for me, too!

 

[ThisOne]

Dear I_Belong,

Were your parents grounded in Christ, together? If not, that could be the reason their marriage didn’t succeed.

I think you are very wise to want to look closely at your relationship with your fiance. Make sure you are both grounded, together, in Christ. If you are, you will not turn to any substance for solace in place of the Lord, who is our sustenance.

You are fortunate to be 21 when this is happening with your parents. You would suffer far more had you been a child – your suffering would be in the future. You may think they don’t know what’s going on, but they feel the very same things you do (responsible, loss of love from a parent), but they cannot verbalize them. They repress the feelings and sometimes they come out later in life if they do not become healthy through therapy and through faith. Frequently, they turn to alcohol. Were either of your parents children of divorced parents?

Be careful. You have a good head on your shoulders; if you’re not certain you and your fiance are both well-grounded in Christ and if he is not committed to a lifetime with you and with Christ as his and your saviour, do not proceed.

 

[Island_Oak]

Dear I_Belong:

I am so very sorry for all the stress this situation is causing you. As the mother of a baby (now 8 years old) born with a birth defect that required multiple surgeries during the first year of life–let me assure you that while that experience can certainly be stressful and traumatic for a parent–you feel so powerless and lacking control–it is not the source of the disorders that plague your family. My husband and I have been blessed with a very strong relationship and, if anything, the challenges we went through with this child made us closer and stronger as a couple.

I would agree with an earlier poster who suggested that there were problably many problems between your parents for many years that were made all the worse by alcohol abuse–again–none of which were caused by you.

One caution I would offer concerns your engagement. You are very, very young to be considering a life-long commitment of marriage–particularly given the stress of your home life. I would encourage you to examine this relationship and make sure it is not just an escape from the chaos of your home life. You don’t need to abandon this relationship if it is healthy–but please consider giving yourself and your fiance some time to live out in the world, support yourselves, get your educations, become self-sufficient, mentally and emotionally mature adults… BEFORE you commit to marriage and the obligations of family, children, etc…You have not had the benefit of a healthy marriage upon which to model your own choices/actions. It would be wise to carefully consider your values, needs, talents, flaws as well as those of any potential spouse very deliberately.

 

[jmcrae]

Thankyou, everyone for your replies, that came so quickly!

I guess sometimes, I wish that I was younger than 21, much much younger so I wouldnt be able to understand so much of what is going on.

I’m considering seeing a counselor, but its easier for me to type than it is for me to talk, atleast behind a screen no one can see you cry.

I do wonder if the way I feel about love now has anything to do with watching my parents marriage crumble. My parents were together since my mother was 18 and my father was 22. They married when my mother was 22.

You are you. You make your own decisions.

A lot of you have said that this has nothing to do with me and its not my fault, that I’m not the reason that my parents marriage crumbled, but what I havent mentioned was that, I was born a sick, deathly sick baby. I was 3 and 1/2 months early and wasn’t suppose to live through the night I was born emergency C-Section. I’m not sitting here thinking that maybe thats the reason all these years later, but maybe the stress of it all, just kind of was like a ticking time bomb? Or maybe it has nothing to do with this situation. Nobody knows, i guess.

Listen. This Was Not Your Fault.

It was Not your fault that you were born in those circumstances. It is Not your fault that you lived when you were expected to die. (In fact, Way To Go, Tough Baby!!! )

Your parents were the adults. It was their job to cope with your situation, make the necessary lifestyle adjustments, and take good care of you. You were the baby. You were not at fault. For anything.

My mother has never been alone/single/living on her own since she was 18 and all of a sudden she’s living alone with me and my fiance for now.

Thank God you are there for her. I bet she is praising God or her deity of choice that you lived, when you were a baby.

Following in my mothers footsteps, (unintentionally) of course, I havent been single, since I was 16, I spent 3 years in a verbally abusive/physically abusive relationship before I found my fiance who, is wonderful but sometimes I wonder if my marriage will turn out like my mothers…

Well, it is statistically true that couples who live together before marriage have a higher divorce rate. It might be worth considering taking some time to live on your own, before you take the final step of marriage.

Is it wrong for me to want to get across a suble message to my fiance before I get married?

Don’t be subtle about it. Are you taking premarital counselling, or a pre-Cana class? Use their Communication Book for ideas on how to approach your fiance on these issues. You need to have an open discussion with him and let him know what’s going on.

I just want to make sure it’s right before I open up my heart. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to share my life with him, it’s just that I’m the one I need to be true to …is that right? I dont want to give up who I am to be part of him.

You’re on the right track, yes.

I dont believe I need somebody to complete me…shouldn’t we complete ourselves, and not rely on others to complete us? Doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose of ‘you have to love yourself before someone else can’? Nobodys’s got to belong to somebody else. Shouldn’t your heart…be your own posession, and when you look in the mirror, it should be you, you’re looking at…and not who someboys changed you into. Who you are shouldn’t be about who your with…right?

That’s exactly right!

“Give all your love…but don’t give up your soul” isnt that how it goes? Your soul belongs to God?

Love shouldnt mean changing who you are to be who somebody wants you to be.

Right, again.

I think thats what happened with my parents, my mother changed into somebody my father wanted and lost herself. And now she’s just finding herself again?
Somebody should have told her that she is one person with a whole heart, and one soul…shes not half of two.

That’s a possibility. And you’re right - you don’t want to repeat that mistake.

Some time living alone would be very good for you.

For myself, I lived by myself for five years before my fiance (my current husband) and I got married. I still rely today on the skills I learned during that period of living by myself. And I know that if I ever have to, I know how to take care of myself.

 

[I_Belong_To_Me]

Did I catch that you’re living with your fiance though? If so, please, please, please stop. You’re wise to be wary of committing to a marriage with all of this confusion in your life right now. I really admire you for asking all of these intelligent questions and seeking answers about love. But trust me, you can’t evaluate this clearly if you are not living chastely.

I dont understand what you mean by “not living chastely”?

Yes, we live together…

We sleep in seperate beds
I don’t believe in any form of sex before marriage
We are both grounded in Christ
He respects me for waiting until marriage to have sex.

So I dont quite understand how im not living chastely?

---

One caution I would offer concerns your engagement. You are very, very young to be considering a life-long commitment of marriage–particularly given the stress of your home life. I would encourage you to examine this relationship and make sure it is not just an escape from the chaos of your home life. You don’t need to abandon this relationship if it is healthy–but please consider giving yourself and your fiance some time to live out in the world, support yourselves, get your educations, become self-sufficient, mentally and emotionally mature adults… BEFORE you commit to marriage and the obligations of family, children, etc…You have not had the benefit of a healthy marriage upon which to model your own choices/actions. It would be wise to carefully consider your values, needs, talents, flaws as well as those of any potential spouse very deliberately

My fiance and I were together long before my parents decided to get divorced, his parents are divorced as well so he’s been the biggest support I have. My relationship is not an escape.

I_Belong_To_Me

 

[JezuUfamTobie]

I dont understand what you mean by “not living chastely”?

Yes, we live together…

We sleep in seperate beds
I don’t believe in any form of sex before marriage
We are both grounded in Christ
He respects me for waiting until marriage to have sex.

He respects your desire to remain chaste, but he doesn’t hold that belief himself?

It’s great that you’re living chastely. I ask you to consider, however, that your living situation is scandalous. This has been covered previously in the Ask an Apologist forum.

My fiance and I were together long before my parents decided to get divorced, his parents are divorced as well so he’s been the biggest support I have. My relationship is not an escape.

Maybe it’s just a consequence of text-based communication, but you seem a bit closed to the many suggestions you’ve received regarding your fiance. You’ll do as you please in the end, of course, but I hope and pray you will keep thinking about the advice you have been given. Obviously we don’t know all the details, but I personally am getting a lot of warning bells, just based on the few paragraphs you’ve shared with us. God bless.

 

[I_Belong_To_Me]

I’d like to try counseling, i know it would help, but I’m scared that the person is going to laugh at me or some horrible thing. I have trust issues, I always have.

I’m not opposed to the suggestions that i have been given, in fact i’m greatful for them all!!

My fiance has the same feelings on being chaste until marriage as well, as much as he respects my decision, he’s made the same one himself, I guess i didn’t mention that.

I’m not opposed to the suggestions I’ve recieve about my fianice…I’m scared,…what if i’m right? what am i suppose to do? what if I’m wrong and i mess up a great relationship?

I_Belong_To_Me

 

[dulcissima]

Evven though you are scared, you still need to go. The fact that you have trust issues is reason enough to go. The idea of a counselor laughing at you is…well…laughable. They wouldn’t get very far in their profession if they did not know how to treat their clients with understanding, compassion, and respect. I have told my counselor the most amazingly personal and embarassing things and she never even came close to laughing. In fact, just the opposite, she understood how I felt about these things and was able to help me understand better just what it is that I have been through.

With regards to your finace…what do you mean “what if I am right?”

 

[marcsababa]

.You belong to you, you dont belong to anyone, your heart is your own possession. Be your own relflection, you are one beautiful person, one heart, one soul…you’re not half of two.

I_Belong_To_Me

SOrry, I have no idea who your councelor is but I sense something very wrong coming from this statement of yours. Please be patient with me as I may be jumping the gun.

YOU belong to GOD. YOU are supposed to be a reflection of Jesus. If you think you belong to you then you belong to nobody because you are nobody without God. You are a creation of God and reflect HIM not yourself. Please do not be offended but take these things into consideration. I also would reflect on what our soldier Kristopher shared with you. He has seen a lot of bad stuff and maintains a quiet faith that is beautiful.

God Bless you

 

[cbern]

Building a healthy relationship is very difficult for those of us who have had divorced parents. We are confused – our parents are our first teachers, of what love is, of what GOD’S love is like! There are lots of issues to sort through. I have seen a psychologist to work through some of mine, and it has been a very positive experience. A counselor will not “go for the jugular” on the first visit! It is a friendship that you develop in your sessions, a trust that builds over time.
Something that can also be a tremendous source of hope and support is the 12-step program, Al-anon, for friends and families of alcoholics. You would be surprised to find others there who have had similar feelings as yours.
I admire the way you are looking at your parents and trying to understand, rather than building up resentments. Especially with the negativity your dad has shown, it can be difficult to detach with love from the situation. The prayer of St. Francis can help a lot with that! Also the Serenity Prayer (I think another poster offered that). Continue to pray over your engagement, as well – God knows what He is doing, if we only listen to Him! A true sacramental marriage is a mystery – the two become one. But this is ONLY through the grace of God and the “glue” that is the Holy Spirit. It is most likely to work if you pray for God’s will for the two of you.
Your life may FEEL like it’s “falling to pieces” right now, but God is there, and He will hold you together in His loving arms, through it all.