Watching the suffering of a loved one

[Marybeloved]

I’m wondering how many here have had to deal with this.
How did/do you get through it?
How did/do you bring yourself to embrace it per Catholic spiritual teaching?
How has it impacted you in your daily life?
How has it impacted your interior/spiritual life?

Thanks.

 

[aloe]

How did/do you get through it?
Didn’t. I have tried counseling, reading a lot of books, talking to friends and family, even a non traditional yet still spiritual approach which did help some, but I will never get over it I don’t think.

How did/do you bring yourself to embrace it per Catholic spiritual teaching? Can’t seem to connect the two at all. It was painful to watch, to go through, and still breaks my heart.

How has it impacted you in your daily life? In a huge way, I will never be the same. Totally shook up my beliefs and actually my foundation of feeling safe. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. None of us are promised tomorrow here on earth. People get so caught up in senseless drama that doesn’t really matter. People take so much for granted. I think it is important to count our blessings daily and to understand our time here is so limited and love matters the most.

How has it impacted your interior/spiritual life? Not sure. Still sorting this out. I didn’t leave the church or anything. And while it was happening I went to church more so and prayed more but it didn’t seem to help in a way that I could see.

 

[SMHW]

My mother passed away about three and a half years ago from cancer. During the approximate year and a half from the time she was diagnosed to the time she died she underwent surgery and endured several miserable months of chemotherapy. She gained maybe three good months before the cancer came back. When an additional month of treatment was shown to have only minor effect on the disease she chose to content herself with intravenous feedings. (She would have gone on hospice but the intravenous feedings precluded that. She just couldn’t make herself eat normally.)

So yes, I have watched a loved one suffer. My mother got sufficient medical aid such that the cancer itself was not a great cause of pain. But she suffered greatly from nausea and depression. She lost much of her muscle tone and was not able to control her bodily functions.

As far as the Catholic outlook on this… This liturgical year is the one where we read from the Gospel of Mark (at least during Ordinary Time.) One of the distinguishing aspects of this Gospel is that Jesus does not seek out the sick and the injured although he certainly is aware of the fact that there are many, many such people. He does not consider healing people to be his primary mission. However he does make a point of healing those with whom he happens to come in contact.

Suffering, whether temporary or life ending, is a normal aspect of life due to the fallen state of creation. As such, Christ seldom performs true miracles (as in changing the consequences of natural events.) But we do trust that he is with us in the midst of our suffering even if he doesn’t answer our requests for the cause of the suffering to be removed.

In the case of the sufferings of loved ones we have an opportunity to be the physical presence of Christ to them. Sometimes we can help them get better (when they are hurt or ill.) Sometimes we can assist them return to some kind of normalcy when they fall victim to misfortune life events. Sometimes we can admonish them when they (and others) suffer the consequences of their poor decisions.

But whatever the cause of the suffering, we can be with our loved ones while they suffer. We can encourage them. We can keep them company. We can share their sorrow. We can help them make decisions when pain, anger, and/or depression prevent them from doing so wisely. We can offer up the times when we bear the brunt of the anger expressed by those who are suffering.

And most of all we can pray.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Really great post above ^

:yup::clapping:

 

[Zundrah]

I’m wondering how many here have had to deal with this.
How did/do you get through it?

I can honestly say that I haven’t got through it.

How has it impacted you in your daily life?

I’d say it gave me less belief in the scripture; “Ask and it will be given to you.”

How has it impacted your interior/spiritual life?

Negatively yes.

Sorry to be so miserable but it is still early stages.

 

[Rita77]

I’m wondering how many here have had to deal with this.
How did/do you get through it?
How did/do you bring yourself to embrace it per Catholic spiritual teaching? How has it impacted you in your daily life?
How has it impacted your interior/spiritual life?

Thanks.

if we learn to understand suffering it can purify us for heaven.you may find more understanding in God’s will and suffering in the book He Leadeth Me by Fr Walter Ciszek us Catholics different way of looking at suffering than other Christian’s.

 

[Rita77]

if we learn to understand suffering it can purify us for heaven.you may find more understanding in God’s will and suffering in the book He Leadeth Me by Fr Walter Ciszek us Catholics different way of looking at suffering than other Christian’s.

I’m to late to edit my post. I didn’t mean anything other than just stating my opinion that Catholic’s view suffering differently then protestants. I think your questions are great (and Caholic) I just didn’t know how to answer them.

 

[Zundrah]

I’m to late to edit my post. I didn’t mean anything other than just stating my opinion that Catholic’s view suffering differently then protestants. I think your questions are great (and Caholic) I just didn’t know how to answer them.

I remember once reading something where it stated that long term suffering is a blessing, or some such thing.

 

[Marybeloved]

Someone asked who was suffering? My father. Is it terminal? Well, he has Dementia and now a host of complications that are hard to treat when the patient has dementia.

@Rita77, I’ll look for your book. I’m really looking for some writing or saint who deals with such suffering (witnessing the suffering of a loved one) and how I can grow spiritually in this.

Only thing I can imagine is that God wants me to have sheer faith, love and trust in him, no matter what happens, who he takes from me, and no matter whether he answers my prayers or not.

Sometimes, I find believing in God’s existence or presence very hard to do- A thought comes to mind that “what if I’m just deluding myself? What if there’s no such thing? What if Jesus wasn’t true?” etc etc. Then I have to just tell myself to accept it (the truth in doubt) blindly like a fool, because at those times,the strong proofs and reasons (including past encounters with God) seem to fall into oblivion and cannot be found. So I figure that the only possible value in all this is to teach me faith. I don’t know how it’ll turn out- so I figure, trust/hope is being taught to me. And I’ve found myself, when it seems that God may not answer my prayers and relieve my loved one’s suffering, that love must be the lesson- I’ve recently had to resolve to believe in and love the true God regardless of whether or not he seems to listen to/here my prayers.

 

[jmcrae]

I’m wondering how many here have had to deal with this.
How did/do you get through it?

Thanks.

I sat with my father during his last month of life. At the time, I was not aware that it was his last month of life. I was just taking it one day at a time, and putting a whole lot of stuff into God’s hands.

I look back and I have absolutely no regrets. There are no "what-if"s in my mind. Well - other than thinking that if I had known he would be in for a whole month, I would have bought a hospital parking pass. And if I had known he was going to die, I would have started cleaning up his apartment a lot sooner - they don’t give you much time, after the tenant dies. But there is no way I could have known either of those things.

What helped the most:

1. I was there with him nearly every day.
2. We talked about everything - we said everything that had to be said. We were honest with each other - not painfully so, nor rudely, but just, these are the facts, and this is what we are required to deal with, so let’s deal with it together.
3. I did everything that I knew I should do. I talked to the doctors and I did everything to make him comfortable and to try to help him get well. I gave him something to hope for every day. I brought him soup and jello when he couldn’t eat the hospital food. I brought him clothes and nail clippers and toothpaste and diapers when he needed them. I demanded that the nurses treat him with respect. I believed in him all the way to the very end - I never doubted his word, nor treated him like a child. I’m glad I never did that. (It was tempting, at times. There were moments when I thought he had lost his mind, and I wanted to baby him - but I never did. I always treated him with great respect and love.)
4. I followed all of his wishes. Every last singe one of them. I kept all of my promises.

Walking with him through that last journey has made me stronger.

How did/do you bring yourself to embrace it per Catholic spiritual teaching?

The pain is not all there is. You can still laugh, and you can still impart great wisdom. We know that the pain will end, and that the laughter and the wisdom will be remembered. Your loved one will escape into Heaven when the time becomes right, leaving you behind - but they leave the door open just a crack, so you can catch a glimpse every now and again, to know that finally, they are safe and happy. But they won’t go until they’re good and ready.

How has it impacted you in your daily life?

I take bigger risks than I used to. I do more interesting things. I care a lot less about what other people think of me, and I worry less about the consequences.

How has it impacted your interior/spiritual life?

I am way happier and more peaceful. The journey through pain and death is a good journey to take. I’ve had my practice walk, with my Dad, and now I think I could take it on for myself, for real, when the time comes.

 

[Marybeloved]

@ Aloe, SMHW, Zundrah and Jmcrae
Thanks so much for sharing. Your stories made me feel less alone.

@Jmcrae- That’s a beautiful story. I can’t say that I can at this point see myself experiencing this experience (mine) as anything pleasant, but yours seems so. The last chats with your father sound precious. My father is in no position to chat now or the past few years. Part of my pain is my deep regret over my incredible failure in love and patience with him when he would have been able to appreciate it. But only God knows.

@Monicad- I also think of Our Lady when I suffer. These past two months made me appreciate just how incredible her own sacrifice was. Simply incredible.

@SMHW- Being God’s presence to the loved one is what I’m trying to do, but I tell you it aint easy. I’m terrified for his fate as I don’t really know if he can understand (is capable of repentance) or if he was right with God before he fell into dementia. I’m always praying for his soul, for conversion, purification and for a happy death (for him), and for heaven for him at his death. Recently he gestures like he’s in deep prayer, clasping his hands together and raising them up, it seems, to God. I dedicated him to St. Joseph and started to ask St. Joseph to take special charge of him and keep the Devils away and Christ near and always present, and then soon I began to notice those prayer/petition-like motions- I took them as a sign that the Saints were surrounding him and that my prayers were working. Who knows? Perhaps as we suffer watching him, he’s actually in bliss with the Saints (or Almighty God) who we can’t see and he cannot articulate . I certainly pray and hope so.