We are no longer in the "newlywed" stage...need help with the transit

[Convert_in_99]

What do you do when the “newlywed” stage of your sexual relationship is over? We have been married about 7.5 years. For the past couple of years or so our marital relations have been greatly decreasing in frequency and passion. We both love each other a ton, are very faithful to each other and committed to our marriage, hang out all the time, go out on dates, but it seems to end there. It’s more like when we were dating. I know that many women would do anything for this, as many husbands tend to be OVERsexualized, but not so here. Maybe I am?

In the beginning we used to make love daily (sometimes more than once ) then it gradually went to every other day and then every couple of days. Which I know is quite normal. But now it’s like weekly or more. I have told my husband about this and he tries his hardest to fit more “sessions” in, but it is more like something “to take care of” or “check off the to do list.” It just isn’t what it used to be. He doesn’t have depression, he doesn’t have “performance” issues, but he does have a very stressful job, and taking care of me and all of my health issues just adds to the stress. So this is probably part of the problem, but what can I do about it?

I am trying to be patient and understanding, but it is starting to make me feel that he somehow doesn’t love me as much or think I am attractive enough for him. He said that is far from the truth, but actions sometimes speak louder than words you know. I know he loves me, I know he likes me, I just don’t feel like he “wants” me in that way anymore ya know? Again, it’s more like when we were dating for lack of words to explain myself.

Again, I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, as I know many women would love to be in my shoes, but it is something very difficult to me.

What else should I try?

 

[Fred_Bartels]

I would see an experienced, capable Catholic counselor (even a Catholic clinical psychologist) who is faithful to the Church. There are all kinds of emotional, spiritual and psychological issues that could be at play. It could be as simple as your husband being tired and overworked, or much more complex. Also, don’t overlook medical issues. Some men, as they age, become deficient in testosterone, which can be a big part of the problem.

But please do get professional help. Perhaps your local pastor or deacon would be a good starting point. Couples often let marital problems go on far too long before seeking help, which nearly always makes things worse. We must not think we are entirely capable of solving every problem on our own (Obviously, you’re not in that category, since you’re seeking advice!).

 

[Caroline723]

It sounds like you have a very happy marriage, overall. And sexual activity in marriages can sometimes go in spurts, so just because it’s a little dry now doesn’t mean it will always be that way. You said it was like when you were dating; in the absence of sexual activity the two of you had to focus on growing closer in other ways. Perhaps this is a hidden blessing in being an opportunity to go deeper in your relationship. Part of the fun of dating is discovering new things about each other, and one of the reasons sex harms dating is that it distracts from that discovery period. Why not think of this as an opportunity to get to know your husband even better than you do now?

And frankly, if you two are having sex a few times a months after 7 years of marriage, you are doing a lot better than many other married couples! Don’t compare it to how it was in the beginning; marriage is an evolutionary process.

 

[R1ch4rd]

I would see an experienced, capable Catholic counselor (even a Catholic clinical psychologist) who is faithful to the Church. There are all kinds of emotional, spiritual and psychological issues that could be at play. It could be as simple as your husband being tired and overworked, or much more complex. Also, don’t overlook medical issues. Some men, as they age, become deficient in testosterone, which can be a big part of the problem.

But please do get professional help. Perhaps your local pastor or deacon would be a good starting point. Couples often let marital problems go on far too long before seeking help, which nearly always makes things worse. We must not think we are entirely capable of solving every problem on our own (Obviously, you’re not in that category, since you’re seeking advice!).

Start with a medical exam and he should specifically mention his declining libido. Stress is a great sex killer and it may be that your not helping by making him feel he has to “take care” of it. You didn’t mention if you had kids. If you do, they cut down on frequency. If you don’t, be ready for it.

You said it was like when you were dating; in the absence of sexual activity the two of you had to focus on growing closer in other ways. Perhaps this is a hidden blessing in being an opportunity to go deeper in your relationship.

This is also very true…Good luck!

 

[kingal86]

Again, I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, as I know many women would love to be in my shoes, but it is something very difficult to me.

What else should I try?

I hope you can sort it out. I’m sure the opposite may also be true with men and your husband’s shoes.

Very sorry to see in previous posts that you have not been blessed with children, and without wishing to intrude or offend you (sorry if I am) I just wonder whether this may also be at least a factor on your husband’s libido, whether conscious or subconscious, along with stress at work and other reasons?

I’ve heard this can sometimes be the case, though not sure if it’s just pop-psychology.

 

[silentfactor80]

What do you do when the “newlywed” stage of your sexual relationship is over? We have been married about 7.5 years. For the past couple of years or so our marital relations have been greatly decreasing in frequency and passion. We both love each other a ton, are very faithful to each other and committed to our marriage, hang out all the time, go out on dates, but it seems to end there. It’s more like when we were dating. I know that many women would do anything for this, as many husbands tend to be OVERsexualized, but not so here. Maybe I am?

In the beginning we used to make love daily (sometimes more than once ) then it gradually went to every other day and then every couple of days. Which I know is quite normal. But now it’s like weekly or more. I have told my husband about this and he tries his hardest to fit more “sessions” in, but it is more like something “to take care of” or “check off the to do list.” It just isn’t what it used to be. He doesn’t have depression, he doesn’t have “performance” issues, but he does have a very stressful job, and taking care of me and all of my health issues just adds to the stress. So this is probably part of the problem, but what can I do about it?

I am trying to be patient and understanding, but it is starting to make me feel that he somehow doesn’t love me as much or think I am attractive enough for him. He said that is far from the truth, but actions sometimes speak louder than words you know. I know he loves me, I know he likes me, I just don’t feel like he “wants” me in that way anymore ya know? Again, it’s more like when we were dating for lack of words to explain myself.

Again, I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, as I know many women would love to be in my shoes, but it is something very difficult to me.

What else should I try?

Stress will kill anyone’s sex drive. Stress hormones counteract the hormones that inspire intimacy. That is a known scientific fact. That is also why many women loose interest after chasing around kids. Very stressful!

Also, you said you did it everyday. That is not possible unless you were on artificial birth control. That is a no no in Catholic teaching. In many ways NFP teaches couples to throttle their sexual desire so you are not a slave to it. Sounds like you have grown dependent on the dopamine and oxytocin jolt you get after sex.

 

[kingal86]

Also, you said you did it everyday. That is not possible unless you were on artificial birth control. That is a no no in Catholic teaching. In many ways NFP teaches couples to throttle their sexual desire so you are not a slave to it. Sounds like you have grown dependent on the dopamine and oxytocin jolt you get after sex.

I really think you should have a look at the OP’s previous posts related to this before rushing to judgement on this matter.

 

[LongingSoul]

What do you do when the “newlywed” stage of your sexual relationship is over? We have been married about 7.5 years. For the past couple of years or so our marital relations have been greatly decreasing in frequency and passion. We both love each other a ton, are very faithful to each other and committed to our marriage, hang out all the time, go out on dates, but it seems to end there. It’s more like when we were dating. I know that many women would do anything for this, as many husbands tend to be OVERsexualized, but not so here. Maybe I am?

In the beginning we used to make love daily (sometimes more than once ) then it gradually went to every other day and then every couple of days. Which I know is quite normal. But now it’s like weekly or more. I have told my husband about this and he tries his hardest to fit more “sessions” in, but it is more like something “to take care of” or “check off the to do list.” It just isn’t what it used to be. He doesn’t have depression, he doesn’t have “performance” issues, but he does have a very stressful job, and taking care of me and all of my health issues just adds to the stress. So this is probably part of the problem, but what can I do about it?

I am trying to be patient and understanding, but it is starting to make me feel that he somehow doesn’t love me as much or think I am attractive enough for him. He said that is far from the truth, but actions sometimes speak louder than words you know. I know he loves me, I know he likes me, I just don’t feel like he “wants” me in that way anymore ya know? Again, it’s more like when we were dating for lack of words to explain myself.

Again, I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, as I know many women would love to be in my shoes, but it is something very difficult to me.

What else should I try?

Having some understanding of the chemistry involved here can give you some perspective. At the beginning of a relationship which is being consummated, people experience what’s termed ‘limerance’. The chemicals at play have a similar makeup to someone with obsessive compulsive disorder so that it is in the performance of an action that controls an outcome. It might be that you are still experiencing this chemical phase and that having sex is the only sign for you that your husband loves you. Similar to someone tapping a wall 10 times means they will stay safe that day. The fact that you husband is working hard and looking after you healthwise, is consequently not translating to you as ‘love’. You’re unable to appreciate these things as the greater signs of true love that they really are.

When I first learned about how these chemicals norepinephrine, dopamine and even increased testosterone in a woman… it made a lot of sense of what was going on in a certain situation I had.

Counselling is a really good idea though. Unmet needs poison relationships.

 

[Convert_in_99]

Also, you said you did it everyday. That is not possible unless you were on artificial birth control. That is a no no in Catholic teaching. In many ways NFP teaches couples to throttle their sexual desire so you are not a slave to it. Sounds like you have grown dependent on the dopamine and oxytocin jolt you get after sex.

What on earth? It is not uncommon for married couples, especially newlyweds, to make love daily. Not every couple practices NFP. Some are trying for a baby from their wedding night, some just leave family size completely up to God, while others, like us happen to be a little of both. We have been trying to have a baby since our wedding night, we have left family size completely up to God, and drum roll please…we also happen to be infertile.

LongingSoul:

Having some understanding of the chemistry involved here can give you some perspective. At the beginning of a relationship which is being consummated, people experience what’s termed ‘limerance’. The chemicals at play have a similar makeup to someone with obsessive compulsive disorder so that it is in the performance of an action that controls an outcome. It might be that you are still experiencing this chemical phase and that having sex is the only sign for you that your husband loves you. Similar to someone tapping a wall 10 times means they will stay safe that day. The fact that you husband is working hard and looking after you healthwise, is consequently not translating to you as ‘love’. You’re unable to appreciate these things as the greater signs of true love that they really are.

This actually makes sense to me as I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Thanks

I know he is showing his love in other ways, I just miss showing each other love in the physical way. It is really special to me. It isn’t cause of orgasms or anything like that, because I often could care less if I have one, and often choose not too so I can focus more on just us being together. I don’t know, I just miss it…a lot.

 

[mlz]

My prayers for you. Having a daughter and son - in - law with infertility problems my heart goes out to you. I do wonder if this might be part of the stress your husband is experiencing so you both need to discuss this either on your own or with a Catholic councilor( if possible) My love and prayers for you… As hard as this is please pray and trust in His answer for both of you! Go to Adoration and ask our Lord ( if possible together) what His will is for you… Then wait and trust that He who created you and loves you more than Anyone On Earth wil guide you!!! My prayers for you,
mlz

 

[silentfactor80]

I really think you should have a look at the OP’s previous posts related to this before rushing to judgement on this matter.

I don’t stalk people’s posts. I read the original post and replied to it. If there is more pertinent information it should be included in the OP.
Convert in 99:

What on earth? It is not uncommon for married couples, especially newlyweds, to make love daily. Not every couple practices NFP. Some are trying for a baby from their wedding night, some just leave family size completely up to God, while others, like us happen to be a little of both. We have been trying to have a baby since our wedding night, we have left family size completely up to God, and drum roll please…we also happen to be infertile.

While what you are saying is true, the majority of people are fertile and waiting to have a family usually by artificial means. Perhaps I made an assumption too quickly but these days people are so sex obsessed so I’m sure what I said applies to many. If it doesn’t to you then I apologize.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

The OP’s situation is very typical. Based on my own experience, and that of others, there is usually a natural, major transition in one’s marriage around the seven year mark, give or take a year. It can be due to a zillion reasons: stress, children, just getting tired of the same routine, etc. Neither party should take it is the other party not liking or wanting them.

IMHO, when this happens, it’s time to make a new routine. If the couple rarely has sex and it’s a source of stress, make one night date night, go out and fun, then come home and have more fun. Or do something together that you’ve never done before: go for a long walk every other night, which is not only healthy but gets you two together and talking. Or go take college, adult ed, or other courses together, etc.

It’s just a natural evolution; keep and open mind and evolve together.

 

[Loving_disciple]

This is a normal phase in every relationship, it should pick up again if you wait faithfully. If he is stress with taking care of you then try not to plan for sex. Just let it happen when the mood is right for you two

 

[Seatuck]

Convert 99, Have you read The Five Love Languages ? It may be that your husband’s primary love language is not physical but yours might.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Also, you said you did it everyday. That is not possible unless you were on artificial birth control.

It most certainly is possible.

That is a no no in Catholic teaching. In many ways NFP teaches couples to throttle their sexual desire so you are not a slave to it. Sounds like you have grown dependent on the dopamine and oxytocin jolt you get after sex.

There’s nothing wrong and everything right with someone desiring physical intimacy with their spouse. It’s not for us to determine what is “too much” or “too little.”

 

[silentfactor80]

It most certainly is possible.

There’s nothing wrong and everything right with someone desiring physical intimacy with their spouse. It’s not for us to determine what is “too much” or “too little.”

Yes but what I was saying was wrong is using artificial contraception. That would be assumed for couples who do it every day if 1) they didn’t want a baby and 2) they are fertile.

 

[fpt]

Stress will kill anyone’s sex drive. Stress hormones counteract the hormones that inspire intimacy. That is a known scientific fact. That is also why many women loose interest after chasing around kids. Very stressful!

Also, you said you did it everyday. That is not possible unless you were on artificial birth control. That is a no no in Catholic teaching. In many ways NFP teaches couples to throttle their sexual desire so you are not a slave to it. Sounds like you have grown dependent on the dopamine and oxytocin jolt you get after sex.

Per se, the fact of having conjugal sex every day is not against the catholic teaching, it is not immoral, it not sinful: there is not a presumption of wrong acts because the marital act is daily.

Per se, the fact of having conjugal sex two, three time, or more a day is not against the catholic teaching, it is not immoral, it not sinful:** no presumption of sexual sins of the marital act because many times per day, per week.**

**Per se, no theologian can give the number of time where the marital act can be sinful. There is no figure, in the moral theology, allowing of knowing when it begins sinful. In the past, I know, some theologians could give a number, but it is not the deep method of catholic teaching: we are not obliged to obey this type of moral theology coming from those theologians. Each couple is free, the moderation and the balance have to be decided, only, by the two member of couple, wife and husband, for the well being of wife, of husband and in fine of couple.

 

[Falco]

Convert 99, Have you read The Five Love Languages ? It may be that your husband’s primary love language is not physical but yours might.

I so agree with Seatuck - the Five Love Languages is a wonderful book which helped me enormously in relationships. Google it, and you can find online test to find out which languages you use - Touch, Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service.

For instance, if your language is Quality Time, and you are longing to sit on the couch for half an hour and have his undivided attention, and he is rushing round showing his love in Acts of Service by putting out the garbage, doing the laundry and putting the kids to bed, neither of you is going to be happy. You have to find out what the OTHER ONE needs, not presume that what you are doing is perceived as an expression of love.

 

[fpt]

What do you do when the “newlywed” stage of your sexual relationship is over? We have been married about 7.5 years. For the past couple of years or so our marital relations have been greatly decreasing in frequency and passion. We both love each other a ton, are very faithful to each other and committed to our marriage, hang out all the time, go out on dates, but it seems to end there. It’s more like when we were dating. I know that many women would do anything for this, as many husbands tend to be OVERsexualized, but not so here. Maybe I am?

In the beginning we used to make love daily (sometimes more than once ) then it gradually went to every other day and then every couple of days. Which I know is quite normal. But now it’s like weekly or more. I have told my husband about this and he tries his hardest to fit more “sessions” in, but it is more like something “to take care of” or “check off the to do list.” It just isn’t what it used to be. He doesn’t have depression, he doesn’t have “performance” issues, but he does have a very stressful job, and taking care of me and all of my health issues just adds to the stress. So this is probably part of the problem, but what can I do about it?

I am trying to be patient and understanding, but it is starting to make me feel that he somehow doesn’t love me as much or think I am attractive enough for him. He said that is far from the truth, but actions sometimes speak louder than words you know. I know he loves me, I know he likes me, I just don’t feel like he “wants” me in that way anymore ya know? Again, it’s more like when we were dating for lack of words to explain myself.

Again, I apologize if this is offensive to anyone, as I know many women would love to be in my shoes, but it is something very difficult to me.

What else should I try?

The conjugal first devotion is, in the marriage, the spouse (wife or husband) and his or her sexual needs via the marital act,* in the respect of the narural moral order.*

In this case, the husband has to try to be an conjugal active lover in favor of his wife. He has to accept her marital request of the marital act and he has to try to force himself to make the marital request of the marital act for responding to some sexual desires, to some sexual expectations, to some sexual hopes and to some sexual wills of his wife.

Here, the marital act is an obligation for the husband in favor of his wife, a right for his wife and a duty for the husband in favor of his wife. The marital debt is the rule of marriage. The same thing for wife.

He has to find the “why” of this changes: physical issues, psychological issues, physiological issues, mental issues, religious issues, spiritual issues, ethical issues, issues of morality, issues of conjugal love, emotional issues, social issues, educational issues, professional issues, issues of conjugal money, of conjugal beliefs…etc. The same thing for wife. She needs to find her own issues via the consultations with experts.

The couple should visit a catholic doctor, a catholic priest, a catholic psychologist. But before all, him and her has to have a huge discussion about the conjugal sexuality of their own couple, about her conjugal sexual needs, about his conjugal sexual needs, about his conjugal sexual issues, about her sexual issues.

 

[silentfactor80]

Per se, the fact of having conjugal sex every day is not against the catholic teaching, it is not immoral, it not sinful: there is not a presumption of wrong acts because the marital act is daily.

Per se, the fact of having conjugal sex two, three time, or more a day is not against the catholic teaching, it is not immoral, it not sinful:** no presumption of sexual sins of the marital act because many times per day, per week.**

**Per se, no theologian can give the number of time where the marital act can be sinful. There is no figure, in the moral theology, allowing of knowing when it begins sinful. In the past, I know, some theologians could give a number, but it is not the deep method of catholic teaching: we are not obliged to obey this type of moral theology coming from those theologians. Each couple is free, the moderation and the balance have to be decided, only, by the two member of couple, wife and husband, for the well being of wife, of husband and in fine of couple.

When you have mastered basic biology we can have a real conversation about this. Science can be used to deductively reason if a sin is being committed. Forensic science does it all the time. I never said doing it every day was a sin. I said one would be reasonably assumed to be using artificial birth control if they were fertile and wanted to have sex everyday. Reread my first post and subsequent one.