We need our son back!

[lavidagrande]

"ok i read several other topic about this - but now i have to ask my own question so we get a real specific answers.

we have 8 children, several are grown up our youngest is a teenager still. we have a real busy life because we all work alot of jobs and some of the children are married and have the kids and life far away or in the other country.

but then we have one kid that my wife and i cannot figure out. her is living with a girlfirend who is very controlling of him and mean. everytime we go to see him, she makes a problem for him. many times we cannot see him, and we expect him to be at family events or relgious events and he no want to come.

so we have been talking and pryaing about this. he is in his late twenties, i don’t know how old the girlfriend is but i think she is the same age. my wife is very upset because he doesn’t answer any text or phone call emeails very quickly and he doesn’t call home that much. the other week we had a simple day that turned into a nightmare because his girlfirend is mean to him. but he no seem to mind we are confused about this.

we don want to lose our son, but we see that several advice from other people is that if your child is old enough to live on his or her own then we cannot try to get involved in who he is in relationships with.

but we do not wish to have his rude girlfriend in our house, so my wife and i have been planning how we can try to break them up. we will try to make a rule that she is not welcome at our house. do you think this will work? and then maybe the Holy Spirit will chow him that the girlfirend in no right for him."

sincerely try to help my please - “lavidagrande” - the big life

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

Dear La Vida Grande,

We all have a big life. I think each life of each “ordinary” person matters. Jesus did not mainly associate with the high and mighty, but with completely ordinary, unfamous people.

Now, to get to the matter at hand.

(1) In situations like this the parent generally perceives the PROBLEM as being the mean girlfriend. The parents generally perceive their son as an innocent victim of a mean, controlling, selfish, evil, possible insane stranger. But a girlfriend in a case like this is not some random stranger who invaded the life of your son. Out of all the women in his environment, HE CHOSE HER. And, so far, he continues to choose her. You need to really think about why HE picked her, and didn’t pick the many other women who would have been his girlfriend or wife.

(2) My basic advice to you is to really THINK about what is going on with your son. When you are around him, or him and her, really NOTICE what they say, don’t say, do, don’t do. Be like a scientist studying animals in the wild. Be sort of like a “psychologist.”

(3) My next basic advice is for you to really THINK about what is going on with YOU as parents. What is it that you are REALLY trying to accomplish. Many wise people point out that the character fault that most bothers us in other people is the character fault that we fail to see in ourselves. The famous psychologist Carl Jung wrote about that. So, in this case, I would wonder if maybe it is one your parents, or both of you, who is really the controlling one. Maybe this son is fleeing this controllingness he is or was getting from one or both of you as parents. But, because he only knows how to related to controlling people, out of all the women in his world, he picked a controlling woman. Some say that some men tend to pick women who are, in certain keys ways, a duplicate of his own mother. Is this son’s mother controlling, though maybe in a nice and not mean way? Have you ever thought that this girlfriend isn’t mean to everyone all the time, but is mainly mean when she feel threatened by a rival controlling woman, namely this son’s mother? So, one way of looking at this situation is to see that two different controlling women are in a war over a son who is weak, indecisive, and needs a “strong mommy type” to run his life, but also at the same time hates having a woman in charge of him.

(4) If your son perceives that you are trying to break up his relationship with his girlfriend, that will only PROVE in his mind what his girlfriend is telling him, which is that HIS MOTHER is the mean person. See the irony? So, if you really want to loosen this girlfriend’s grip on your son, act like you totally accept your son’s relationship with her. Treat her with courtesy and decency just out of respect for your son’s choice of being with her. Just be fake. Act like she doesn’t bother you at all. Be sweet to her. Believe me, this is the best way to reduce her power over your son.

Get rid of your ban on the girlfriend at your house. That is a clear signal to your son that you two are the MEAN ones. So what if she is rude! Aren’t you adults? Just ignore it. As long as she doesn’t physically attack you or damage your house, just accept her to approve that you approve of your son as a person and are not trying to control him. He is an adult.

(5) Consider this Bible verse, which I know you know. Genesis 2:24 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

It is NORMAL for a boy to grow up, become a man, and leave his parents. That’s NATURE. I live in America. Maybe you do to. Nearly all the people who now live in America come from ancestors who once lived in Europe, Asia, or Africa. That means, that at some point, your own ancestors left home in some far away continent and never again saw their parents or other relatives.

So, in a way, it is normal to “lose” a son. I know we always see movies and TV shows with the “whole family” at a table at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hannakah, etc, with everyone there together loving everyone else, parents, grandparents, grandkids, etc. But lets face it. Those make good Hallmark Card commercials, but that does not always happen in real life. Maybe it is the exception and always has been.

Anyway, you have other kids. I think if even half of a parents’ kids stay on good terms with parents, that is a success.

I don’t say you should abandon you son. Heck no! Stay in touch. Reach out to him. Visit him. Just don’t be CLINGY. Be loose. Be supportive. But don’t cry in your pillow every night if he, or his girlfriend/wife is not supportive of you.

I’m really not advising you to give up. I’m advising you to GET INSIGHT and WISDOM about YOURSELVES, and about this SON, and perhaps about PEOPLE IN GENERAL. People don’t do things for no reason. People don’t do things “just to be mean.” People are not possessed by demons (or at least, demonic possession is extremely rare). Be wise, be clever, be calm, be strong. Baseball coaches tell batters to be “smarter than the ball.” That means learning to understand pitchers and the tricky pitches they through. Life throws us curves. We have to handle all this with smartness. Attacking difficult people straight one, by condemning them or cutting them off is often an approach that just makes things more difficult for us.

(6) I really suggest you read books on topics such as “How To Handle Difficult People” or “Understanding Adult Children,” and so forth.

Your current plan to break up this relationship will, I predict, drive your son away from you for many, many years.

You need a better plan.

(7) Watching the “Dr. Phil” show as much as possible could help too. He’s not perfect, but he’s got a lot of good ideas. If you have satellite radio, you should listen to Dr. Laura Schlessinger too.

 

[Jimmy_Acorn]

Casas, you are full of advice, but little truth. Leaving one’s father and mother to join with a woman means marriage, not co-habitation. Dr. Phil is not needed here, just prayer, gospel, and living the faith. Jesus did not concern himself with how people would feel about his truth. Some could not handle it and perhaps thought he was mean or crazy, etc… I feel for anyone who loses a child to a life of mortal sin. It happens all over. Forget this phsycho-babble and pray. Tell the truth, always. Co-habitation is wrong and sinful.

 

[aicirt]

Lavidagrande…I am so sorry this is happening to you but know you are not alone. I have no idea why men allow this. Your son is a man but he is not right. If the child in question were a female, all would say she’s being battered. Anyone who tries to shut someone off from his/her support source (family) is a batterer.

Will anything work? Considering he’s getting free sex, probably not.

The problem, and it is epidemic, is getting some coverage. Read A SON Is A SON UNTIL HE GETS A WIFEby Ann Kathryn Killinger. You might want to check out the website for Alienated Grandparents Association (AGA). If there’s a meeting in your area, go.

And don’t let anyone use that Bible quote against you. It is so very easy, especially for women, to state that a man is suppose to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Guess what…she’s suppose to do the same. AND at no time is the 4th Commandment eradicated because a person gets married. You are to honor your Mother and Father all the days of your life. Abandonment, either physical or emotional, is not justified. :console:

 

[maryjk]

Lavidagrande…I am so sorry this is happening to you but know you are not alone. I have no idea why men allow this. Your son is a man but he is not right. If the child in question were a female, all would say she’s being battered. Anyone who tries to shut someone off from his/her support source (family) is a batterer.

Will anything work? Considering he’s getting free sex, probably not.

The problem, and it is epidemic, is getting some coverage. Read A SON Is A SON UNTIL HE GETS A WIFEby Ann Kathryn Killinger. You might want to check out the website for Alienated Grandparents Association (AGA). If there’s a meeting in your area, go.

And don’t let anyone use that Bible quote against you. It is so very easy, especially for women, to state that a man is suppose to leave his parents and cleave to his wife. Guess what…she’s suppose to do the same. AND at no time is the 4th Commandment eradicated because a person gets married. You are to honor your Mother and Father all the days of your life. Abandonment, either physical or emotional, is not justified. :console:

Hearing only one side of this story, I am hesitant to call the woman a batterer.

The assumption is that she has cut him off, where it could be that the son it perfectly happy to not have to deal with his parents. He is in his late 20’s but his parents EXPECT him to be at family events or religious events. He isn’t just invited, he must attend. And he must respond quickly to text messages and emails. It isn’t enough just to answer them, it must be “quickly.”

Instead of assuming it is her, it could very well be him.

 

[aicirt]

Hearing only one side of this story, I am hesitant to call the woman a batterer.

The assumption is that she has cut him off, where it could be that the son it perfectly happy to not have to deal with his parents. He is in his late 20’s but his parents EXPECT him to be at family events or religious events. He isn’t just invited, he must attend. And he must respond quickly to text messages and emails. It isn’t enough just to answer them, it must be “quickly.”

Instead of assuming it is her, it could very well be him.

Why would you hesitate to call her a batterer? He’s in his late 20s, he comes from a large family and up until the time he got involved with this woman, he, apparently had a good relationship with his parents, with his family, and attended family and religious functions. What’s the varible? New girlfriend whom they’ve found to be rude, mean to him, and, obviously, controlling.

If my friend had a healthy relationship with a daughter and all of a sudden it ended, and the only variable was a new boy friend, I’d say she was not in a good relationship.

I believe the poster is the man’s father. For a man to sit down and put this out there means it serious and he sees his wife and family hurting.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Why would you hesitate to call her a batterer? He’s in his late 20s, he comes from a large family and up until the time he got involved with this woman, he, apparently had a good relationship with his parents, with his family, and attended family and religious functions. What’s the varible? New girlfriend whom they’ve found to be rude, mean to him, and, obviously, controlling.

If my friend had a healthy relationship with a daughter and all of a sudden it ended, and the only variable was a new boy friend, I’d say she was not in a good relationship.

I believe the poster is the man’s father. For a man to sit down and put this out there means it serious and he sees his wife and family hurting.

Why call her a batterer? All we know is that she’s “rude”, but we don’t know how. Of course he has less time for his parents now that he’s building his own life and family. We have no way of knowing if what the OP described is normal or abusive.

I am thinking that this is normal. The complaints that he doesn’t respond “quickly enough” and asking how to break them up are warning signs of overly attached and jealous parents.

 

[aicirt]

Why call her a batterer? All we know is that she’s “rude”, but we don’t know how. Of course he has less time for his parents now that he’s building his own life and family. We have no way of knowing if what the OP described is normal or abusive.

I am thinking that this is normal. The complaints that he doesn’t respond “quickly enough” and asking how to break them up are warning signs of overly attached and jealous parents.

There overly attached because they want their calls answered just as any host would want confirmation if a guest was coming? And they’re jealous…of what?

Why strike at the parents? They are entitled to just as much consideration as anyone else. He doesn’t want to come so why delay the response. Pick up the phone and tell your parents you can’t make it. It is called being an adult. My take on this is he can’t because cupcake hasn’t given him the word and he doesn’t want to make his life hell by instisting he’d like to visit his parents and his family. And these two aren’t even married so lot 'o luck if she becomes his wife. Bye, bye sonny.

Are we to assume that every parent of sons can’t let go and want their little boys (age 28) back in his room with bunkbeds? Sorry, but I’ve heard this too much yet no one points out that some females have a real hard time cutting the apron strings to Mama.

 

[Lorelei12]

I am thinking that this is normal. The complaints that he doesn’t respond “quickly enough” and asking how to break them up are warning signs of overly attached and jealous parents.

This. Being disappointed if your son is not around for family functions is one thing; it’s another to require his presence and then blame the girlfriend if he decides not to come.

Your son is an adult, so if you start treating him like one, and stop treating his girlfriend as the enemy, perhaps he will start coming around more and being more communicative.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

There overly attached because they want their calls answered just as any host would want confirmation if a guest was coming? And they’re jealous…of what?

Why strike at the parents? They are entitled to just as much consideration as anyone else. He doesn’t want to come so why delay the response. Pick up the phone and tell your parents you can’t make it. It is called being an adult. My take on this is he can’t because cupcake hasn’t given him the word and he doesn’t want to make his life hell by instisting he’d like to visit his parents and his family. And these two aren’t even married so lot 'o luck if she becomes his wife. Bye, bye sonny.

Are we to assume that every parent of sons can’t let go and want their little boys (age 28) back in his room with bunkbeds? Sorry, but I’ve heard this too much yet no one points out that some females have a real hard time cutting the apron strings to Mama.

You’re making a lot of inferences here. The OP isn’t complaining that they don’t know soon enough whether or not he will show up. They are saying that they “expect him” to be at family and religious functions. When you are in a serious relationship you just can’t show up to everything. Also telling about the OP is that they want to break them up because they “need their son back”. I’m not making blanket statements about parents of sons, just pointing to things the OP said.

I think that things are coming up and that it’s convenient and easy to blame her for “making problems for him” and keeping him away. They really didn’t say anything bad about her, just that she’s “rude” and that they are blaming their son’s behavior on her.

 

[lavidagrande]

I want to thank all the brothers and sisters who have respond to my questions.

I want to use a few minutes more of everyone time and respond to a few things:

1. Yes, they are no married now. i feel this is a very bad problem. but it doesn’t say in the bible that people should not leave together if they are not married? we know fornicus is a sin, but we dont know if they living together if that is a sin. because we don’t know the bible say that? Please explain. by the way, no body in my family believe people live together before married, please understand.
2. yes i’m going to admit that sometimes we want him back in our family, maybe for controlling reasons meaning we just want him to be like a “little boy” again. well, i don think so, but i ask myself this question. yes, i admit sometimes we do want him back, the way he used to be before he move in with girlfired, but we know this is not possible. he is an adult and so is girlfriend.
3. we want him to be happy in the long term, no just now. we want him to be happy now, in the future, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 25+ years from now, happy forever. so, we try to get involved now, even if it’s painful for him and us and maybe even the girlfriend. we feel she is stealing his peace long term, maybe not his peace now. right now, he seem real happy, he have girlfriend, he on his own, yeah he happy. but in 5-10 years? I dunno about that…that what we are scared!
4. as his father I have to warn him about the problems he making for himself. how to do that without telling him what to do? that is my real responsibility. I know this, please help. I do pray and we trust God in the long run.

 

[underacloud]

but we do not wish to have his rude girlfriend in our house, so my wife and i have been planning how we can try to break them up. we will try to make a rule that she is not welcome at our house. do you think this will work? and then maybe the Holy Spirit will chow him that the girlfirend in no right for him."

Sorry, but I think this is a bad idea. Terrible idea!

Do not make him choose between you and the girlfriend. She will have far more access to him and if she feels threatened by you…which given your obvious hostility is likely already…she will be in a better position to turn him against you than for you to turn him against her. In short, it is a fight you may lose, and thereby do irreparable damage to your relationship with him.

He is an adult. He makes his own choices and yes, his own mistakes.

As others have said, it is very typical for adult sons to call their parents far less often than their parents would like. This in itself is hardly a sign of a controlling girlfriend.

The one positive thing you can and should do is pray. Love him, respect his right to make his own choices, and pray for him.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I want to thank all the brothers and sisters who have respond to my questions.

I want to use a few minutes more of everyone time and respond to a few things:

1. Yes, they are no married now. i feel this is a very bad problem. but it doesn’t say in the bible that people should not leave together if they are not married? we know fornicus is a sin, but we dont know if they living together if that is a sin. because we don’t know the bible say that? Please explain. by the way, no body in my family believe people live together before married, please understand.
2. yes i’m going to admit that sometimes we want him back in our family, maybe for controlling reasons meaning we just want him to be like a “little boy” again. well, i don think so, but i ask myself this question. yes, i admit sometimes we do want him back, the way he used to be before he move in with girlfired, but we know this is not possible. he is an adult and so is girlfriend.
3. we want him to be happy in the long term, no just now. we want him to be happy now, in the future, 5 years from now, 10 years from now, 25+ years from now, happy forever. so, we try to get involved now, even if it’s painful for him and us and maybe even the girlfriend. we feel she is stealing his peace long term, maybe not his peace now. right now, he seem real happy, he have girlfriend, he on his own, yeah he happy. but in 5-10 years? I dunno about that…that what we are scared!
4. as his father I have to warn him about the problems he making for himself. how to do that without telling him what to do? that is my real responsibility. I know this, please help. I do pray and we trust God in the long run.

The only word to describe this is selfish. He’s very happy with his girlfriend, but you want to break them up because you think that you know what will make him happier decades from now? That’s presumptuous and does not give your son the credit he deserves for conducting his own personal life. You want to find a way to manipulate him in to breaking up with her?

Goodness, it’s no wonder that as soon as he started building a family of his own he started pulling away from you guys. No one wants to be patronized, guilted, or manipulated by parents who just want nothing more than for them to be dependent little kids again.

 

[lavidagrande]

i don think you understand the problem my friend.

we have family problem: son is being seduced by controlling girlfirend to live in immorality. this is problem. big problem. its no right for them to do this, but we cannot find a bible example that say you no live together before married. this is problemn for us. we are no manipulate anybody. we want him to have peace and happiness not just now, but in the long term. how doe s one not obey the bible?

girldfirend is problem: she is rude, she talk rude to our son. our son? he don say nothing - i feel i fail as his father to see him accept rude talk from girlfirend without say nothing back. she make a everyone uncomfortable when we make a party the other week. we don accept this rude talk, this type of way to be. nobody in our whole family axe like this. you say i am selfish for not accept rude talk and bad attitude in my house, my brother house, my mother house, any house? even my brother no like this girl. but anyway, we try to be nice to her, she just pick up a magazine and read magazine or sit in the other room when they come to visit. i can not accept this.

 

[underacloud]

…she just pick up a magazine and read magazine or sit in the other room when they come to visit. i can not accept this.

Why not accept this? At least she’s there. More importantly, at least your son is there. At this point, you should cut your losses and be happy with the time you have with your son.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

i don think you understand the problem my friend.

we have family problem: son is being seduced by controlling girlfirend to live in immorality. this is problem. big problem. its no right for them to do this, but we cannot find a bible example that say you no live together before married. this is problemn for us. we are no manipulate anybody. we want him to have peace and happiness not just now, but in the long term. how doe s one not obey the bible?

girldfirend is problem: she is rude, she talk rude to our son. our son? he don say nothing - i feel i fail as his father to see him accept rude talk from girlfirend without say nothing back. she make a everyone uncomfortable when we make a party the other week. we don accept this rude talk, this type of way to be. nobody in our whole family axe like this. you say i am selfish for not accept rude talk and bad attitude in my house, my brother house, my mother house, any house? even my brother no like this girl. but anyway, we try to be nice to her, she just pick up a magazine and read magazine or sit in the other room when they come to visit. i can not accept this.

Don’t assume that he’s been seduced. Just because you raised him with certain morals and beliefs does not mean that he kept them. For all you know living together was his idea, or at the very least something that they both wanted and did together.

I’m sorry for assuming this but it doesn’t seem like English is your first language. Is it hers? Perhaps at least some of the perceived rudeness is just cultural misunderstandings? I know from experience in my own family and friends that that really isn’t uncommon.

If there is no way that that could be the case then I’m sorry but all you can do is step back. He’s an adult, he’s making his own choices, and he’s happy. You have to let him do that. And if it is a mistake he’ll have to realize it and correct it, not you. That’s part of having adult children and letting them go.