We wll let him decide when he is older

[Tracy10]

A lot of parents learn from the sad experience of not instilling particular values in their children while they were young, that their children have extreme difficulty discerning between right and wrong when they are older.

Parents who make such claims likely have no strong religious values of their own. The way I see it, since you can’t do anything to change that it’s best to butt out and pray silently that everything will work out for them. You can’t convince people to switch over to your beliefs. All you can do is make them admire you so much because of the love, care, and respect you have shown, that they want to be exactly like you.

How would you respond when a very lapsed Catholic family member (nephew) married to an unchurched wife says in regard to his unbaptised child, “We will let him decide when he is older.” Theological discussion is not going to work in my experience. I am looking for tactful, simple responses that will not provoke arguments and will not harden his heart. This issue often arises at large family gatherings when an elderly aunt (or two) can be counted on to bring the question up. My latest response “Well, I’ll still keep you all in my prayers” with a quick change of topic for the sake of family peace. Your thoughts and suggestions?

 

[Sepharad]

Spot on.

My brother and sister-in-law (both born and raised Protestant) asked me to be my nephew’s godmother (in a Protestant baptism) after he was born. I expressed concern given that I’m Catholic, and I couldn’t make a promise to help raise him in the Protestant faith. They gave me the whole “we’re letting him choose when he’s older” schtick and that I wouldn’t have to promise to raise him Protestant – just Christian. So, I accepted – and my intent, if I’m able, is to take both of my nephews to Mass and etc. with me whenever I have the opportunity, and to share my faith with them when they’re old enough to understand. I’ve already started by giving my brother a copy of “Catholicism for Dummies” and telling him it’s so his boys can know about one of the myriad options they can choose from.

I think the whole “we’ll let them choose” thing is from parents who simply don’t recognize the authority of the Catholic Church. To them, it’s not important if you’re a member of THE Church as long as you’re a member of A church – i.e., the “we’re all the same” mentality. It’s sad.

I think, however, that you should be honest with the parents, and let them know what “raising him Christian” means to you. If they are from Protestant background, they might not want him raised Catholic, and you should be honest about that.

My husband and I have it in our wills, that if both of us should die before our children are adults, they are to be adopted by a cousin of mine who is an Orthodox rabbi. Because we feel so strongly about our faith, we want to insure our children will be raised properly if anything should happen to us.

 

[valient_Lucy]

Such a foolish argument.

Do they make their child eat vegetables? Eat period?

Do they change the child’s diapers? Why, unless they’ve asked specifically to be cleaned?

Do they “force” medication and homework on the child?

If the answer is yes, then they are just lazy with regards to Church, and really don’t care. That’s the bottom line.

At least make them admit they are being lazy and don’t care at all, and stop hiding behind their BS excuses about “deciding when he is ready.”

Not to mention they probably have no problem with their child having a US citizenship (assuming this is the US.) How do they know that their child will want to be a citizen of the United States?

 

[Peace-bwu]

Perhaps you could say to parents …if you’re going to give the choice …then give him something to choose from…educate him in the faith and when he is older he will choose…

that’s what I’d say (have said before) Don’t we all choose as adults whether we want to be Catholic or not? Don’t we make the conscious choice every day to pray or go to Mass or follow the Word of the Lord? With every breath we have a choice, it’s called free will. He will have the option to choose whether he wants to be confirmed or not. There were a few kids my age who decided they werent’ ready to be Confirmed.

If they don’t plan to raise him Catholic there’s not alot you can do about it, except the most important thing which is pray! My brother and his wife were the first in our family to not have a Catholic wedding & they have already made the decision to never have children. I shudder to think what they will do when/if she gets pregnant & the choice she will make. I just pray for them and leave it in God’s hands. We all have our struggles. I hope somebody out there is praying for me too.

 

[mikijam]

My response to such a statement would be as follows:

Letting a child choose their theology is like letting them choose what language they want to speak. If you spoke nothing to your child, so as not to unduly influence them, they would pick up whatever language was being spoken around them. On TV, in the streets, at school, wherever they might be influenced. The child will naturally gravitate toward whatever person IS willing to teach them.

Then, by the time they have the maturity to make the decision, everyone but the parent will have influenced them. The question then is, do you want to have some influence in your child’s theological education, or do you abdicate that responsibility to the world at large.

This opinion seems confirmed as several here have suggested that you (the OP) pick up the role of teacher that the parents are neglecting, and to do so before someone else does.

 

[EasterJoy]

Such a foolish argument.

Do they make their child eat vegetables? Eat period?

Do they change the child’s diapers? Why, unless they’ve asked specifically to be cleaned?

Do they “force” medication and homework on the child?

If the answer is yes, then they are just lazy with regards to Church, and really don’t care. That’s the bottom line.

At least make them admit they are being lazy and don’t care at all, and stop hiding behind their BS excuses about “deciding when he is ready.”

It would be different if we were talking to parents who themselves ate right, practiced hygiene, obtained health care when sick, or had any gratitude for the homework they had been made to do themselves over the course of their lives. You would absolutely expect the parents the OP is talking about to say, “Hey, if he wants that stuff, let him get it when he’s older.” They are withholding nothing that they cherish for themselves.

The OPs nephew has heard the Good News, and doesn’t seem to have found anything very good about it. I don’t think that “make them admit they are being lazy and don’t care at all” is likely to be fruitful.

IMHO, this is about evangelization, not parenting. Preach always. Use words, when necessary…and pray, pray, pray.

 

[WILKM]

This “letting them decide for themselves” is typical of those parents who are not interested. It’s a lazy way out. My best friend had that attitude and she died of cancer three years ago. She used to tell her boys (who were under ten years old at the time) that if they wanted to go to church, just let her know which one and she would drop them off there. Of course that never happened.

My brother and sister-in-law have that attitude with their eleven year old daughter. My brother was brought up as a Catholic but is now agnostic like his wife. Their daughter did initially go to a Catholic school (due to it being a good school not due to it being Catholic) but they emmigrated three years ago and she is now at an ordinary school.

I am so grateful to my parents for a strong Catholic upbringing. After leaving home in my late teens, I stopped going to Mass for a few years and tried out various non-Catholic services in between out of curiosity. It was because of my upbringing that I sprinted back to the Catholic Church eventually and knew I was home.

I also agree that we do not tell our kids that they don’t have to go to school, bath, eat, etc. if they don’t want to. Kids have to be educated in the faith to decide for themselves when they are adults.

 

[EasterJoy]

This “letting them decide for themselves” is typical of those parents who are not interested. It’s a lazy way out. My best friend had that attitude and she died of cancer three years ago. She used to tell her boys (who were under ten years old at the time) that if they wanted to go to church, just let her know which one and she would drop them off there. Of course that never happened.

My brother and sister-in-law have that attitude with their eleven year old daughter. My brother was brought up as a Catholic but is now agnostic like his wife. Their daughter did initially go to a Catholic school (due to it being a good school not due to it being Catholic) but they emmigrated three years ago and she is now at an ordinary school.

I am so grateful to my parents for a strong Catholic upbringing. After leaving home in my late teens, I stopped going to Mass for a few years and tried out various non-Catholic services in between out of curiosity. It was because of my upbringing that I sprinted back to the Catholic Church eventually and knew I was home.

I also agree that we do not tell our kids that they don’t have to go to school, bath, eat, etc. if they don’t want to. Kids have to be educated in the faith to decide for themselves when they are adults.

Did your brother get a different upbringing?

He may be on a path similar to yours, only a bit longer. If you’ve never done it, let him know that you yourself left, and encourage him to come back to the faith. Your niece and sister-in-law are far more likely to learn from him than from you, but it may be your conduct that forms their attitude about whether welcoming the Catholic faith into their home is a good thing or not.

May the Lord bless your efforts.

 

[WILKM]

Did your brother get a different upbringing?

He may be on a path similar to yours, only a bit longer. If you’ve never done it, let him know that you yourself left, and encourage him to come back to the faith. Your niece and sister-in-law are far more likely to learn from him than from you, but it may be your conduct that forms their attitude about whether welcoming the Catholic faith into their home is a good thing or not.

May the Lord bless your efforts.

Thanks EasterJoy. My brother got the same upbringing as myself. I do hope that he is on a path similar to mine. He lives in New Zealand and my parents went to visit him for a month around December/January. They never asked him but he had made a point of finding out where the nearest Catholic church was and ensured he took them to Mass every Sunday. So that was a good thing. My other brother in South Africa is the same - not interested. Also, my husband is not at all interested but has never interferred in me bringing up my kids as Catholics which I am very grateful for. He refuses to discuss my faith but all I do is pray, pray and pray some more for all the members of my family that one day they will return to the Church.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thanks EasterJoy. My brother got the same upbringing as myself. I do hope that he is on a path similar to mine. He lives in New Zealand and my parents went to visit him for a month around December/January. They never asked him but he had made a point of finding out where the nearest Catholic church was and ensured he took them to Mass every Sunday. So that was a good thing. My other brother in South Africa is the same - not interested. Also, my husband is not at all interested but has never interferred in me bringing up my kids as Catholics which I am very grateful for. He refuses to discuss my faith but all I do is pray, pray and pray some more for all the members of my family that one day they will return to the Church.

Keep it up. At least your brother was conscientious about finding a Mass for your parents, meaning his absence isn’t about making some point with them. It is not unusual for a rift with the Church to be a rift with the family, put into a more fashionable (or less emotionally difficult, etc.) disguise. That’s a tough nut to crack.

Also, remember that it isn’t unusual for children who are denied a religious upbringing to look to their grandparents’ faith first. If your side of the family are good examples, that could be the difference.

That is really what this thread is all about. It is about parents who, for whatever reason, value their own religious upbringing so little that they deny that precious gift to their children. It is not like musical training or education, where you can pay someone else to do it. Faith is passed on as a life lived. The children lose out, but the parents can’t give what they don’t have themselves.

 

[wanner47]

I think, however, that you should be honest with the parents, and let them know what “raising him Christian” means to you. If they are from Protestant background, they might not want him raised Catholic, and you should be honest about that.

My husband and I have it in our wills, that if both of us should die before our children are adults, they are to be adopted by a cousin of mine who is an Orthodox rabbi. Because we feel so strongly about our faith, we want to insure our children will be raised properly if anything should happen to us.

They know. I was honest with them about how I perceived my responsibility as godmother.