Wedding and brother fight

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Um… I’m sorry but you sound like a kindergartener having a tantrum.

Apologize to your brother.

I mean, to actually COMPLAIN about a gift and whine about not being given cash? Weren’t you taught ANY manners AT ALL?

If you were my daughter, I would be ashamed of you and ashamed of my failure as a mother to teach you to accept gifts graciously.

You sound like a bridezilla. The whole world revolves around you and anyone who messed up your picture of perfection deserves chastisement!

Maybe the reason your brother puts up a wall, walks out on people nagging him to do things, and reacts badly to crying is that he is tired of this hyperventilating criticism, nagging, and manipulation. If this is how you always are with him, no wonder your relationship has faded over the years.

Oh yeah, and just for fun… complaining that your brother didn’t give you money because he makes way more than you… Google envy and avarice and see what you come up with.
 
gmarie21 said:
That may be. I really don’t know my brother’s opinions or feelings b/c he never expresses them to anyone in the family. We’ve had a shallow relationship for many years (before I ever met my husband), we were once close, but now he’s about his family, which I 100% understand. The older he gets, the more he’s like our dad, puts up a wall, but my dad is generous with his time, my brother is not (walks out on or hangs up on anyone who even closely suggests that he should go to such and such event, or anyone who cries, etc.).

Thanks for letting me vent
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Definite congratulations are in order then. I know it has been a tough few years for your relationship, but I am glad that you saw it through. I’ve always thought that you handled things with that the absolute best way that you could.

Maybe your brother is being protective. Maybe he is being judgemental. Maybe he is being self-centered. I don’t think that there is any way that you are going to know what is in his heart. Just apologize and move on. Sometimes our family lets us down, but if we leave the door open, things have a way of working out in the end.

This should be a really happy time for your family. Don’t let stuff like this ruin it for you. You’ve worked hard to get to where you are, so enjoy it.
 
you should get over it and make up. Know one knows how many precious minutes we are given during our lifetime. Don’t waste any of those minutes fighting. Kiss and make up. He is your brother!
Maybe his wife thought an engraved jewlery box would be a special keepsake for your wedding rings or any future jewlery your new husband may get for you.

a gift is a gift. Always remeber when you invite people (no matter who they are) to a wedding you should NEVER EXPECT anything in return. Only their company on your big day.

Remember the saying…It’s the thought that counts.
 
gmarie, I’m now recalling some of your older threads (been awhile glad you’re back around :)) and I’m wondering if what others here hinted to is true, that your brother is not ‘ok’ with your wedding, or your husband, or some part of this whole situation and that’s why he’s been aloof and making excuses etc.

You know, you may have a point about him blowing off things and not telling you what’s really on his mind. I think for some guys (and women too since I don’t want to get called sexist) these things are hard to express. There is something about brothers and sisters…brothers are protective. Maybe he feels like you’re making a mistake? Who knows. You don’t have to get his approval for whom you marry obviously, but there may be some hurt feelings behind this whole thing.

I think ultimately thought you can only be accountable for your own behavior and how you react to other people’s bad behavior/immaturity, which it seems he may be displaying. If he won’t talk about what his true feelings are, what can you do?🤷

In any case, I’m sorry it’s obviously hurt you and hope you both can come to some kind of peace about it even if it means letting it go and letting God deal with it.
 
I want to thank everyone for their advice (especially those of you who remember all the junk of the past and the work it’s taken to get here). I’m not saint, obviously, and this was one occassion that proves it again. I will be writing him a letter today (when I speak, I tend to put my foot into my mouth and in an apology that’s the last thing I want to do). I know I was wrong and selfish, I’m big enough to admit that. I am never one to shy away from seeking forgiveness for any and all wrongs I’ve done, hence why I am apologizing. I feel sadness in many ways for my brother b/c his marriage seems filled with more complaining than compliments and I understand that he was hurt by my complaint since I am usually the one sticking up for him. I don’t want to continue the cycle my dad and his siblings have had, that my brother and dad have had, and that is the cycle of silent treatments for years, hence why I’m apologizing for my mistake instead of digging in my heals with the thought “you hurt me, I hurt you, so we’re even” (another family “tradition”).

Thank you all for letting me vent and for pointing out my childish behavior (some of you more kindly than others 🙂 ). I don’t want my husband to hear me complain about it (he already knows I’m losing sleep over it) since he was grateful for the gift, surprised, but genuinely grateful. My husband already thinks many in my family walk all over me, I don’t need to feed the flames.

On a side note, I don’t think I was a bridezilla. I always, including my wedding, plan around everyone else’s schedule in my family (I know, a fault). Up to the day of my wedding I was organizing the catering for the same brother’s surprise birthday party that was two days after the wedding (yes, I have a problem of saying “no” to people) in addition to everything else. Frankly, my husband and I didn’t have time to plan between family crises on his side (three weeks before the wedding he had to take his brother to detox, take him out three days later and was dealing with that, then his sister moved in with us for a week b/c she couldn’t handle things at home, and then she moved in again two day before the wedding, and we of course had to work and go to family functions since we are from large families, so we really planned things when we had time after giving everything to everyone else.
 
gmarie21 said:
I want to thank everyone for their advice (especially those of you who remember all the junk of the past and the work it’s taken to get here). I’m not saint, obviously, and this was one occassion that proves it again. I will be writing him a letter today (when I speak, I tend to put my foot into my mouth and in an apology that’s the last thing I want to do). I know I was wrong and selfish, I’m big enough to admit that. I am never one to shy away from seeking forgiveness for any and all wrongs I’ve done, hence why I am apologizing. I feel sadness in many ways for my brother b/c his marriage seems filled with more complaining than compliments and I understand that he was hurt by my complaint since I am usually the one sticking up for him. I don’t want to continue the cycle my dad and his siblings have had, that my brother and dad have had, and that is the cycle of silent treatments for years, hence why I’m apologizing for my mistake instead of digging in my heals with the thought “you hurt me, I hurt you, so we’re even” (another family “tradition”).

Thank you all for letting me vent and for pointing out my childish behavior (some of you more kindly than others 🙂 ). I don’t want my husband to hear me complain about it (he already knows I’m losing sleep over it) since he was grateful for the gift, surprised, but genuinely grateful. My husband already thinks many in my family walk all over me, I don’t need to feed the flames.

On a side note, I don’t think I was a bridezilla. I always, including my wedding, plan around everyone else’s schedule in my family (I know, a fault). Up to the day of my wedding I was organizing the catering for the same brother’s surprise birthday party that was two days after the wedding (yes, I have a problem of saying “no” to people) in addition to everything else. Frankly, my husband and I didn’t have time to plan between family crises on his side (three weeks before the wedding he had to take his brother to detox, take him out three days later and was dealing with that, then his sister moved in with us for a week b/c she couldn’t handle things at home, and then she moved in again two day before the wedding, and we of course had to work and go to family functions since we are from large families, so we really planned things when we had time after giving everything to everyone else.
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gmarie21, I don’t remember any of your previous threads, but it sounds like you’ve been through a lot with this brother. I think you are doing the right thing by sending a note. Make it short and truly sweet because “less said, soonest mended”. You and your husband sound like you really work hard to take care of others. Be sure to take care of yourselves also and your marriage, by not letting issues with other family members get you ruffled. And learn to say NO to keep your schedule sane! 😃
 
I think the problem with getting your feelings hurt was that you had expectations. I learned a long time ago that with family it’s better not to have any expectations and turn the other cheek.

I gave my mother a list of things I needed when I was married. She could never find the list so she told everyone that I needed towels. I received set after set after set of towels.😃 I had them in every color of the rainbow.😃 That’s just the way it goes sometimes.

Last Thanksgiving, my family invited my ex- to the family dinner, but they forgot to invite me.:o My sister moved in with my ex- when I moved out and my parents thought there was nothing wrong with that. Family can be strange. I love them. I give what I can give emotionally, and just accept whatever they choose to reciprocate with. Anything I do for my family, I do for Jesus.
 
Galnextdoor said:
Last Thanksgiving, my family invited my ex- to the family dinner, but they forgot to invite me.:o My sister moved in with my ex- when I moved out and my parents thought there was nothing wrong with that.
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:eek: Duuuuude!

And double that for the poor person who got photoshopped out. That is COLD!

Great advice about expectations. I had to learn the hard way to have no expectations of my mom a long time ago, for my own sanity. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they feel like they owe you anything… sometimes not even decent treatment, or the politeness they would give strangers. 🤷
 
gmarie21 said:
Ju
What would you do if you were me? My brother is no longer talking to me and my mom (tl)
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can’t answer as to what you should do, only what I would do, since that is what you are asking, I would pray to God for grace to totally re-order my priorities and the way I view my relationships to those closest to me. I would do this immediately since my basic viewpoint is also going to affect my marriage. I would give over using money as a measure of love and affection and eliminate the habit of rating people in order of their material worth and their habit of giving or withholding material wealth from me. I would apologize to everyone involved in my wedding for allowing such considerations to mar what should have been a happy occasion promoting family unity. I would resolve never again to allow such petty considerations as the value of a gift, which I should have received with gratitude rather than resentment, to color a relationship. I would do this today, so that my relationship with my new spouse does not become infected with this virus. As I say this applies only to me, since that is what OP solicited but if anyone else reading feels the advice is profitable, he may consider it.
 
gmarie21 said:
I plan on apologizing for mentioning the gift…it’s the total disregard for my requests regarding the rehearsal and photos that I don’t know how or if i should address again. We use to be close but it seems as if his total disregard for the specialness of the event to me would just be ignored by him due to the gift conflict. He hurt me terribly and, like others, treated my wedding as more of a mandatory family event than the special occassion it was. i usually am good at apologizing when I’m wrong, this tie just doesn’t seem easy b/c the hurt seems too deep
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GMarie hang in there, I understand the frustration of trying to celebrate your blessing of sacramental marriage with your family and if you had mentioned about the paying for your own plate thing and he disregarded it then I would be really hurt too, not only that but also to not be there for pics and rehearsal yeah that is heart breaking. I don’t really speak with my bf’s family that much but they wanted his brother and my children there for rehearsal and all of us for the rehearsal dinner and we were all there…My kids participated in the wedding without even asking me if it was ok, it was more of a demand for my kids to hand out the programs and then the little party poppers for the reception…We stood there for 2 hours, before the wedding and then 2 hours after the wedding. My kids were exhausted, their little feet hurt but we did our part even though the bride’s mother was rude to them and everything…I wanted to smack the basket of poppers in her face and then pick them back up and throw them on top of her head because all she had to ask and say please no she was rude to my kids and even told them off, but I told my children that we were not low or dirty like she was and we were going to stay with our mouths shut and just enjoy the rest of the evening, and we did, we ate well and danced so it was all good! I mean they didn’t have to invite us but they did, we gave them a card because we couldn’t buy anything didn’t have the money and we dedicated 4 hours of our time, so that was our gift to the bride and groom!

I am hoping to get married next year, wedding date set for first week of June, and I doubt anyone in my family will make it and that’s fine, let that be their wish. My youngest brother just got engaged this week, I congratulated him, he doesn’t even write to me, or speaks to me at all, but hey that’s on him…And we were once very close…But my mother is going to make sure his wedding is perfect…and as for me, oh well who cares…But that’s life and that’s family for you so just enjoy your new matrimony, new hubby and spen as much time together in joy and prayer and thanks to GOD.

If I were you I would at least have been happy he at least showed up…It would be a blessing an even bigger one if my family shows up to mine…So I would be grateful that he came and shared that special moment with you…

Oh I forgot to mention that because we were so busy working and attending the guests before and after the wedding with the children helping, my bf and myself for his brother’s wedding, we forgot to give them their card on time, we gave it to them the day after and his brother told us off…

God bless! Take care and congratulations!!
 
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