Wedding Candle after Mass?

[Magnificat2014]

Hi all,

I am getting married in about a month, August 22.

My fiancee is German (catholic) and his mother has been insisting on making a so-called wedding candle for our ceremony. I had never heard before of such a thing (I am Italian) and after extensive investigation and consultation with all the priests I know, I learned that it is something not in the rubrics but often allowed (I assumed it is the german equivalent of the unity candle, although I may be wrong).

Given that it is not anywhere in the liturgy and I love the Church, I do not want to have this candle in my wedding ceremony. On top of the fact that adding a piece to the order of mass is not ok with my conscience, that specific addition would be very noticeable in Italy, where the Nuptial Mass will be celebrated, since nobody has ever heard of the candle.

We were not thinking of a candle in the first place and my fiancee also understands my reasons. This seemingly minor issue is however becoming huge and, I fear, affecting our relationship, since his mum is not accepting our decision and insisting with him on this point, while visibly showing her disappointment.

I cenrtainly do not want to lack of respect to the Church and I remain convinced that I don’t want to make personal additions to the liturgy. In the same time however I also do not want to forever damage the relationship with my future mother in law.
I asked advice to a priest and he suggested that it may be wise of me to offer to have this candle lighted up after the final blessing, to make her feel welcome and at the same time not make a liturgical abuse. I have no idea though how/if this could be done either.
I will check with the celebrating priest, but I was also wondering: has any of you seen something like that? what’s your advice?

Thanks and pray for us.
Chiara

 

[pensmama87]

I know that personally I would have reservations about it being done in the church at all; however, at a reception afterwards I would have no qualms about it. It could be a really pretty decoration, for one thing!

If the priest celebrating your marriage says it is OK, I would trust him (though it sounds like you asked someone else) and not worry about doing something “wrong.”

I think that whatever you and your intended decide, that perhaps he be the one to discuss with his mother and not you (definitely not you alone). He (and your soon-to-be-MIL) needs to get used to the two of you working together. I think that by itself can smooth out a lot of difficulties from in-laws, who will realize that while valuable, their (name removed by moderator)ut is frankly never going to be the same as the spouse’s. (And decisions should then be presented as “We’ve chosen this,” not “My wife wants, and I’m going along with it,” IMO, even if the latter is accurate. It creates an opportunity to drive a wedge, which some relatives are all to happy to try.)

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!

 

[Allegra]

I’ve seen it done very tastefully at the head table at a wedding reception. The bride and groom lit the candle with their individual Baptism candles. I agree that it isn’t appropriate during Mass. I highly doubt it’s an “old German tradition”. I expect they have Hallmark in Germany, same as everywhere else. They are responsible for the “unity candle” tradition.

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree with what has been written already, especially that you r future husband, not you, needs to be the one to discuss this with your future MIL.this is your wedding. She has no right to make any demands for anything to be included that are not a part of a Catholic mass.

However, you could definitely play this aspect up really big time at the reception, especially right at the beginning. Check Pinterest out for ideas and make that the centerpiece on the head table. Hoe can she argue with its prominence there?

 

[1ke]

I will check with the celebrating priest, but I was also wondering: has any of you seen something like that? what’s your advice?

Don’t be so quick to call something a “liturgical abuse”.

In the US there are several customs associated with the wedding liturgy that are able to be done during the wedding liturgy: flowers to Mary, and the arias and lasso for US Catholics of Hispanic culture.

Perhaps in Germany, a candle is something approved for weddings.

I would suggest talking to your pastor. He can check to see what is allowed in your diocese. If the bishop allows it, you can do it.

If you don’t want or cannot do it during the ceremony, then after the final blessing or at the reception are both options.

 

[z_0101]

I would suggest talking to your pastor. He can check to see what is allowed in your diocese. If the bishop allows it, you can do it.

If you don’t want or cannot do it during the ceremony, then after the final blessing or at the reception are both options.

1ke: As usual, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

Magnificat2014, a personal question, decline to answer if you so chose, have you and your spouse gone thru any marriage prep such as foccusinc.com/ . If such a small thing now is a source of contention, there are major things in life that could really be an issue.

Praying for you, your wedding and your family (both now and to be! ).

 

[Magnificat2014]

Magnificat2014, a personal question, decline to answer if you so chose, have you and your spouse gone thru any marriage prep such as foccusinc.com/ . If such a small thing now is a source of contention, there are major things in life that could really be an issue.

Yes, we did go through marriage preparation. I meant that I fear this can be a problem for the relationship between me and my future mother in law, not between me and my fiancee. He is the one getting the pressure and having to deal with it and he is being great at it and respecting/defending my opinion, although he himself understands the arguments of his mum and would be more ok with accepting the candle thing.
My understanding is that in Germany the candle is widely tolerated, even if also there it is not in the rubrics. In Italy, though, where we are celebrating our wedding, I have never heard or seen anything like that, and I understand it is not allowed.

Thanks for all the replies!

 

[on_the_hill]

If the priest who is handling the wedding says it’s acceptable then your **best **course of action…by far…is to do what your future mother-in-law wants you to do.

Trust me. After 20 years of marriage, I can tell you–violating rubrics is an insignificant price to pay for keeping a good relationship with your mother-in-law. God won’t care as much as she will.

Ask the priest. If he give it the o.k., and tells you where it can be placed in the Mass, then turn to your future mother-in-law and say, “When would you like us to do it?” Then do what she says.

Besides, what better way is there to signify the joining of two distinct cultures? Add a little Germany to the Italian wedding.



: one more thing, despite what the Bible says, the strongest bond isn’t between husband and wife. It’s between a mother and her son. Ask any woman who’s ever been married, and ask any man. When his wife isn’t around. You’ll only get your man when his mother lets you. Keep that in mind.

 

[on_the_hill]

If such a small thing now is a source of contention, there are major things in life that could really be an issue.

Maybe. Maybe not. After a few years go by, after a couple kiddies arrive, suddenly what used to be important has gone out the window in the face of the really significant parts of life.

 

[z_0101]

Yes, we did go through marriage preparation.

That’s a good thing
I know that my Mom and my Wife were a little on rough edge for a long time. My Dad actually saved the day when he told my Mom, “Don’t make him chose between his Wife or his Mom… because you will lose no matter how he decides.” I pray your father-in-law has the same talk.
IN the mean time, pray for her, all she sees now is losing a son and not gaining a daughter and she would like a bit of (name removed by moderator)ut. It’s a small thing.

My understanding is that in Germany the candle is widely tolerated, even if also there it is not in the rubrics.

I’ve been trying to find a bit on this tradition; however, being in the states the search engines are returning junk about unity candles… arrgh.

In Italy, though, where we are celebrating our wedding, I have never heard or seen anything like that, and I understand it is not allowed.

This is where 1ke suggestion to talk with your Pastor and the Bishop is paramount. If they say, “well, not really allowed” then you have the perfect “out” ask the Pastor to be the “bad-guy” here and then with the MIL… sit down with her and say something along the lines of “Mom, it’s a lovely tradition; however, our Pastor has said that this isn’t allowed at weddings in our Parish… can we do this during the reception?” Everyone saves a little face, the Pastor, pray an extra Rosary or Divine Mercy Chaplet for his sacrifice, and we have a happy MIL (I hope).

I don’t know you well; however, all brides need a big hug and your groom a huge handshake on the wedding day - :grouphug: :extrahappy:

 

[z_0101]

If the priest who is handling the wedding says it’s acceptable then your **best **course of action…by far…is to do what your future mother-in-law wants you to do.

After 25 years of marriage myself… I’ll second your post

 

[TimothyH]

**Don’t be so quick to call something a “liturgical abuse”.

In the US there are several customs associated with the wedding liturgy that are able to be done during the wedding liturgy**: flowers to Mary, and the arias and lasso for US Catholics of Hispanic culture.

Perhaps in Germany, a candle is something approved for weddings.

I would suggest talking to your pastor. He can check to see what is allowed in your diocese. If the bishop allows it, you can do it.

If you don’t want or cannot do it during the ceremony, then after the final blessing or at the reception are both options.

This is absolutely correct and great advice.

I would love to do a lasso rosary - el lazo - if I ever get married in the Church.

blog.catholicfaithstore.com/blog/2014/06/05/getting-lassoed-wedding-history-wedding-lasso-rosary/

-Tim-

 

[Phemie]

Let’s not forget the important part – thet’re getting married in Italy.

 

[1ke]

Let’s not forget the important part – thet’re getting married in Italy.

Which is why I suggested talking to the pastor. If it is not allowed in Italy, he will tell the couple and the son can deliver the news to his mother. It isn’t then the daughter in law, but rather the priest, who is the heavy.

 

[BartholomewB]

Which is why I suggested talking to the pastor. If it is not allowed in Italy, he will tell the couple and the son can deliver the news to his mother. It isn’t then the daughter in law, but rather the priest, who is the heavy.

A very sensible way out of the dilemma.

In any case, it ought to be possible to point out to the mother-in-law, in a polite way so that she won’t be offended, that it’s not her wedding. She’s not the one getting married.

 

[1ke]

In any case, it ought to be possible to point out to the mother-in-law, in a polite way so that she won’t be offended, that it’s not her wedding.

It is difficult to remember how many unreasonable people are out there when in your own life you are mostly surrounded by reasonable people.

 

[CradleJourney]

Hi all,

I am getting married in about a month, August 22.

My fiancee is German (catholic) and his mother has been insisting on making a so-called wedding candle for our ceremony. I had never heard before of such a thing (I am Italian) and after extensive investigation and consultation with all the priests I know, I learned that it is something not in the rubrics but often allowed (I assumed it is the german equivalent of the unity candle, although I may be wrong).

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! And yes, I’ll certainly say a prayer for you.

My thoughts - 1) Find out EXACTLY what the candle is/does/represents. Ask MIL to tell you more about it and why it’s important to her.

1. If at all possible, I’d suggest including it in the time before or after the actual mass begins. If I understand correctly (and I could be wrong), the mass begins with Father leading the sign of the cross after the procession in. Which would allow you to possibly have the candle already lit off to the side (if decorative), or to light it on the way to your places before Father speaks, or reverse - after the mass, perhaps you could light it before the exit procession after the ending words of mass (if like a unity candle)? (Just tossing ideas out there.)
2. Honestly as long as the priest is okay with it, this is something you’ll probably forget about in a few years but something she may carry with her for decades - not worth the battle, imo.

Whether you use the candle or not, I think the best thing would be to make sure she understands that YOU understand it’s important to her (but can’t use it because of culture/priest/etc.) I suspect when you talk to her and learn more about it, you may find it was either a very important part of her own wedding with special meaning to her, or else something she really wanted in hers but couldn’t/didn’t have and regrets that.

Best wishes!
LJ

 

[Phemie]

A very sensible way out of the dilemma.

In any case, it ought to be possible to point out to the mother-in-law, in a polite way so that she won’t be offended, that it’s not her wedding. She’s not the one getting married.

I doubt I’d ever go there. My mother’s categorical response each time I said I didn’t want someone at my wedding was, “You can’t get married and not invite THEM. We were invited to all their kids’ weddings.” I never had the guts to say, “You mean Fr. won’t allow us to exchange vows if they aren’t in the pews?”

 

[BartholomewB]

It is difficult to remember how many unreasonable people are out there when in your own life you are mostly surrounded by reasonable people.

I always got on very well with my mother-in-law (now sadly deceased). Despite all the mother-in-law jokes, from what I’ve seen it’s the wives who are more likely to have trouble with their husbands’ mothers ― as in the OP’s case here ― than the other way around.