Wedding Dilemma: Our child isn't invited to the wedding reception... should we attend?

[Matthew_Holford]

The OP really should have given consideration to these facts before the wedding invitation had been accepted. They’re not really questions to be asking at this stage. It is now important to make their decision and quickly. At this rate I can see the OP’s wife buying a bridesmaid dress, paying for airfares, and then deciding not to go. If that seems harsh so be it. They are grown adults with children. They should have been mature enough to consider these matters before making a commitment.

For the record where I live children would normally have been invited to a wedding. When our children were young if we were invited with out them we would politely decline the invitation. In these circumstances prospective babysitters would often have been invitees too.

 

[joanofarc2008]

The OP really should have given consideration to these facts before the wedding invitation had been accepted. They’re not really questions to be asking at this stage. It is now important to make their decision and quickly. At this rate I can see the OP’s wife buying a bridesmaid dress, paying for airfares, and then deciding not to go. If that seems harsh so be it. They are grown adults with children. They should have been mature enough to consider these matters before making a commitment.

For the record where I live children would normally have been invited to a wedding. When our children were young if we were invited with out them we would politely decline the invitation. In these circumstances prospective babysitters would often have been invitees too.

I agree - the bride and groom have a lot going on planning for a wedding. The job of the bridesmaids (not talking religiously but customwise and etiquette) is to make life easier not harder. If these questions may have existed it was the OPs responsibility to say way back when - what about children and child care? I don’t mean even for the wedding as I am making the assumption that things like the rehearsal dinner are extremely late and much too late for children.

 

[Catholic90]

It must be regional because we weren’t invited to most weddings my parents attended and they attended many.

When I was a kid, kids were always invited to weddings. I grew up Midwest, small German town, so there were always polka bands, lots of dancing, lots of fun! Wedding receptions and dances were where I learned to dance!

For my wedding, we included kids, but then we got married in the midwest as well.

OP, first you must check to see if the airlines will even allow your wife to fly if she will be “very pregnant” as you stated. Then go from there.

 

[pnewton]

If that seems harsh so be it. They are grown adults with children. They should have been mature enough to consider these matters before making a commitment.

I scarcely think it is a matter of maturity. Before I came to these forums I had no idea that some people specifically excluded children at weddings and receptions. It is not immature to be ignorant of the customs and mores of other parts of the country or segments of society.

 

[At_Trent]

Unfortunately, the grandparents on both sides were too old to make that kind of a trip.

For that reason alone I’d not go.

jmo

 

[Phemie]

Originally Posted by aicirt

At what point does that stop? My grandmother was too old to make it to my wedding 20 miles down the road – should I have gotten married in her living room?

 

[EasterJoy]

At what point does that stop? My grandmother was too old to make it to my wedding 20 miles down the road – should I have gotten married in her living room?

I know many brides and grooms who got married in their home towns, and went by and visited their home-bound grandparents in their wedding clothes between the wedding and the reception.

Ordinarily, Catholics get married in the parish church of either the bride, the groom, or their parents. They don’t have to, but to marry elsewhere requires permission. No matter where they marry, some people they’d like to be there probably can’t come, some can’t. Some will have other commitments that can’t be changed. If you can come, you come, but if not, they get to live with it. You’re hardly likely to be the only guests that couldn’t make it.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree - the bride and groom have a lot going on planning for a wedding. The job of the bridesmaids (not talking religiously but customwise and etiquette) is to make life easier not harder. If these questions may have existed it was the OPs responsibility to say way back when - what about children and child care? I don’t mean even for the wedding as I am making the assumption that things like the rehearsal dinner are extremely late and much too late for children.

This is a friendship issue. There is give and take, and not “your job is to make life easy for me, and not the other way around.”

When we got married and were setting the date, we took the time to find out when hunting season started. As we put it, “When there’s going to be a wedding at about the time hunting season comes around, you find out who your friends are. Your friends are people who don’t schedule their wedding on opening day of hunting season, that’s what!”

As for having children at receptions, let us not forget that the bride and groom may have been to weddings where they got to witness some badly-disciplined children or parents who did not take their children’s needs into account. I know a lady who was the hostess at a botanical garden that could be rented out for weddings. A man came up to her and handed her a huge bundle of the little signs that had marked the names of the plants in the garden! Instead of apologizing, he told her, “You’re lucky we didn’t lose any of them.” This was hardly an isolated incident. She never ceased to be amazed at how children were allowed to run unsupervised at the weddings. I’ve also seen a lot of kids at weddings that had nothing to do, didn’t find the food what they were used to, and were bored out of their minds. It was no favor to have them there. I don’t think that is an argument to plan weddings that revolve around small children.

This is the kind of behavior people allow in their children at wedding receptions. If the bride and groom have relatives like that (which is to say little hellions who are given no boundaries no matter where they are) then there is no way to exclude the trouble makers except to exclude all the children. In a case like that, what are you going to do?

 

[jeanannemarie]

My extended family actually declined a wedding and reception invitation this summer because children were specifically not invited. After the initial surprise, we decided that it was as inconvenient for us to attend as it was for them to invite children. I didn’t give it anymore thought; not taking the children created so many issues, it was easier not to go. No hard feelings, just plain facts.

 

[MEPayne]

OP, your first concern has to be your wife’s pregnancy. If she will be “very pregnant” at the time of the wedding, she should not be flying. Check with the airline.

If that’s a go, then the rest can be cleared up with a phone call. Call the bride and ask, pleasantly, if the invitation includes your daughter. If not, you have two options:

Wife goes, you stay home. It sounds like it’s her friend more than yours and she will be busy being part of the wedding and not have time to focus on you. This would save you money too.

You all go. I’d suggest you not carry in the judgemental attitude you seem to have about how people should conduct their weddings/receptions. It’s the couple’s day and it’s up to them to decide what they want to do. Guests can take it or leave it. I’m in agreement with others who say this has nothing to do with being a Catholic wedding.

Good luck.

To Matthew Holford: You said you have the same wedding customs in the UK as we do here in the US, but under different names. I’m curious what you call the shower and other wedding events, if you don’t mind sharing. Thanks!!

 

[joanofarc2008]

This is a friendship issue. There is give and take, and not “your job is to make life easy for me, and not the other way around.”

When we got married and were setting the date, we took the time to find out when hunting season started. As we put it, “When there’s going to be a wedding at about the time hunting season comes around, you find out who your friends are. Your friends are people who don’t schedule their wedding on opening day of hunting season, that’s what!”

As for having children at receptions, let us not forget that the bride and groom may have been to weddings where they got to witness some badly-disciplined children or parents who did not take their children’s needs into account. I know a lady who was the hostess at a botanical garden that could be rented out for weddings. A man came up to her and handed her a huge bundle of the little signs that had marked the names of the plants in the garden! Instead of apologizing, he told her, “You’re lucky we didn’t lose any of them.” This was hardly an isolated incident. She never ceased to be amazed at how children were allowed to run unsupervised at the weddings. I’ve also seen a lot of kids at weddings that had nothing to do, didn’t find the food what they were used to, and were bored out of their minds. It was no favor to have them there. I don’t think that is an argument to plan weddings that revolve around small children.

This is the kind of behavior people allow in their children at wedding receptions. If the bride and groom have relatives like that (which is to say little hellions who are given no boundaries no matter where they are) then there is no way to exclude the trouble makers except to exclude all the children. In a case like that, what are you going to do?

I disagree entirely. The give and take comes between weddings. I have been a bridesmaid to almost every one of my friends who is married and I would not dream of creating the issue the OP has for the couple. The take is that when you get married it is your turn so to speak. So in a way yes there is a give and take but not in the way you have described. The wedding and marriage are about the couple and not hte 100 people attending.

 

[joanofarc2008]

What I seem to see here is a division between those with children and those who do not. I am in the latter camp. Maybe those of us in the latter camp do need to remember to give notice to events (not just weddings) when invitations are not going to include children however what those in the former camp need to remember is it is just that - an invitation.

 

[PatriceA]

What I seem to see here is a division between those with children and those who do not. I am in the latter camp. Maybe those of us in the latter camp do need to remember to give notice to events (not just weddings) when invitations are not going to include children however what those in the former camp need to remember is it is just that - an invitation.

I don’t know if there is a division. I’m in the former camp, with children. I don’t happen to have a problem with weddings that exclude children.

But what I do keep wondering about is how much communication has truly taken place between the bride and the OP’s wife. When the OP’s wife accepted the invitation to be in the wedding, did she know she was already pregnant, if not, did she inform the bride immediately and discuss the complications of traveling in the last part of the pregnancy? Did they discuss the fact that they would be traveling so far and with a toddler? That just seems like its obvious its something that should have been considered/discussed regardless of kids not being allowed at the reception. Why didn’t the bride inform the OP and his wife of the no kids allowed part immediately (I really think that was rude of the bride not to at least give a heads up to part of the wedding party before the invitation went out)? There seems to be a real lack of consideration and communication on ALL parties involved.

I do think the wedding party is there to help the couple. BUT, when you ask someone to be in your wedding, you do take the time to consider if they have a unique situation that should be addressed and the person being asked needs to consider if they can truly undertake the responsibilities of being in the wedding party. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is to turn down being in a wedding if its going to create hardship for all involved.

 

[PaulinVA]

What I seem to see here is a division between those with children and those who do not. I am in the latter camp. Maybe those of us in the latter camp do need to remember to give notice to events (not just weddings) when invitations are not going to include children however what those in the former camp need to remember is it is just that - an invitation.

I haven’t posted on this thread in a while, but I’ve been thinking. When the kids were younger we did go to local weddings and got a babysitter. The weddings that we took the kids to were family weddings.

So, I still say that if someone is making a trek across the country to be in your wedding, you need to accommodate their little one. If you are the invited couple, you can certainly say no.

Wedding reception expectations are so out of hand.

 

[Matthew_Holford]

I scarcely think it is a matter of maturity. Before I came to these forums I had no idea that some people specifically excluded children at weddings and receptions. It is not immature to be ignorant of the customs and mores of other parts of the country or segments of society.

I did not mean it in the sense in which you seem to have received it. I was more referring to maturity with regards to decision making. Having all these doubts and confusions should have come first. It’s rather late now they’ve given their reply. (I do agree with those who say that the OP’s wife my not be allowed to fly.)

 

[Matthew_Holford]

To Matthew Holford: You said you have the same wedding customs in the UK as we do here in the US, but under different names. I’m curious what you call the shower and other wedding events, if you don’t mind sharing. Thanks!!

With a bit more thought I might not have said they were the same. I suppose the ‘shower’ would be called the ‘hen night’ for the bride and the ‘stag night’ for the groom. It sounds from what I’ve been told in this thread that the wedding gifts are given to the bride at the shower. In the UK gifts are given to the couple early on the day of the wedding and are displayed at the reception. Of course we have a best man for the groom and a maid/matron of honour (and bridesmaid(s)) for the bride. We do not say ‘standing’ at the wedding and I don’t think we have a particular term for doing this.

A typical British wedding (and of course there’s many variations) would be the wedding (often mid-afternoon) followed by a three-course meal (late afternoon or early evening) called the wedding breakfast. Those who attend the Nuptial Mass/Marriage Service are invited to the wedding breakfast. In the evening there’s a reception with music, dancing, and a buffet. All guests who come to the Nuptial Mass/Marriage Service and wedding breakfast come to the reception as do additional guests not invited to the Nuptial Mass/Marriage Service and wedding breakfast.

 

[joanofarc2008]

With a bit more thought I might not have said they were the same. I suppose the ‘shower’ would be called the ‘hen night’ for the bride and the ‘stag night’ for the groom. It sounds from what I’ve been told in this thread that the wedding gifts are given to the bride at the shower. In the UK gifts are given to the couple early on the day of the wedding and are displayed at the reception. Of course we have a best man for the groom and a maid/matron of honour (and bridesmaid(s)) for the bride. We do not say ‘standing’ at the wedding and I don’t think we have a particular term for doing this.

A typical British wedding (and of course there’s many variations) would be the wedding (often mid-afternoon) followed by a three-course meal (late afternoon or early evening) called the wedding breakfast. Those who attend the Nuptial Mass/Marriage Service are invited to the wedding breakfast. In the evening there’s a reception with music, dancing, and a buffet. All guests who come to the Nuptial Mass/Marriage Service and wedding breakfast come to the reception as do additional guests not invited to the Nuptial Mass/Marriage Service and wedding breakfast.

Actually what you are thinking of I think is more of what we refer to as the Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties. Showers would include those “older” family members where as the Bachelor/Bachelorette parties typically are more entrenched in debauchery. The level of which depends upon the level of secularism one is entrenched in. At mine we went to a Greek Restaraunt where there was dancing on tables and stuff and a martini bar and for giggles I took a pic next to a police car. That was the end of it.

 

[Phemie]

With a bit more thought I might not have said they were the same. I suppose the ‘shower’ would be called the ‘hen night’ for the bride and the ‘stag night’ for the groom. **It sounds from what I’ve been told in this thread that the wedding gifts are given to the bride at the shower. **In the UK gifts are given to the couple early on the day of the wedding and are displayed at the reception.

Not quite. I think a hen night is more akin to what we call a bachelorette party and is comparable to the guys’ stag night. A Shower might have a theme (Kitchen Shower, Lingerie Shower) and involves silly theme games as much as ‘showering the bride with gifts’.

Shower gifts and wedding gifts are two separate animals. Etiquette says that, even if you don’t attend, a wedding gift is required if you are invited to the wedding; there’s no such requirement for a shower, only those who attend need buy a gift. If you go to both, two gifts are “required”.

On this side of the ocean, it’s not rare to see a gift table at the reception but it’s a drop-off point for those who brought their gifts with them, rather than a display area. It’s quite common around here for couples to delay the honeymoon for a day or so and gather with their friends and family for brunch the day after the wedding to open the gifts and ooh an ahh over them.

 

[Matthew_Holford]

Actually what you are thinking of I think is more of what we refer to as the Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties. Showers would include those “older” family members where as the Bachelor/Bachelorette parties typically are more entrenched in debauchery. The level of which depends upon the level of secularism one is entrenched in. At mine we went to a Greek Restaraunt where there was dancing on tables and stuff and a martini bar and for giggles I took a pic next to a police car. That was the end of it.

Showers were earlier described to me as a pre-wedding event the closest of which we do have is the hen/stag night. They do vary from sedate and quiet to highly immoral. The shower was also described to me as an event when the bride is given gifts. There’s no specific gift-giving event in the “traditional” British wedding.

 

[EasterJoy]

I disagree entirely. The give and take comes between weddings. I have been a bridesmaid to almost every one of my friends who is married and I would not dream of creating the issue the OP has for the couple. The take is that when you get married it is your turn so to speak. So in a way yes there is a give and take but not in the way you have described. The wedding and marriage are about the couple and not hte 100 people attending.

When we were getting married, we didn’t look at it that way. We saw it as a gathering of family and friends that needed to take everyone into account, to the degree that was feasible. We did what we could to accomodate the foreseeable needs of our wedding party and our guests.

Having said that, if we had had young relatives like some of the ones my friend had seen at weddings–that is, who are either not socialized well enough to attend an adult event or whose parents don’t think ahead to make sure the child’s needs will be attended to–then I would have apologized to no one for having and “adults only” wedding. It does everyone a favor, including the parents who are challenged with making their own kids mind reasonable rules of polite behavior while the other ones run wild.

I don’t mean that the bridesmaids ought to make a lot of demands on the bride and groom. We’re talking about a pregnancy, here, though, and a very young child. Their parents can only do so much to tweak what the kids get in order to accomodate other adults. Furthermore, the welfare of a pregnancy by far trumps celebration needs, even when the celebration is a once-in-a-lifetime event. That is just the way it goes.