Wedding Dilemma: Our child isn't invited to the wedding reception... should we attend?

[angelsdefendus]

My wife and I are invited to a wedding which will take place in a few months. The bride is my wife’s longtime & childhood friend. My wife is also supposed to “stand-up” in the wedding (wedding party).

The wedding is in our former home state and that means it is 4000+ miles away. It is also a semi-destination wedding, meaning that even when we fly back to our hometowns, the wedding is a few hundred miles away at a resort. The bride and groom both live where we used to live, so they are traveling to the wedding as well. My wife will be very pregnant at the time with #2, and so it will be quite an adventure just to get there

That being said, a rather interesting development came to our attention today. We received the wedding invitation (as well as a shower invite) and our 18mos old daughter is not invited. The wedding will be taking place at a Catholic Church, and the reception is at a Golf Course. We weren’t expecting this… but knowing the couple and their social circle, it isn’t a surprise.

I had a rather emotional reaction to this and said that I had a hard time flying and driving 4000+ miles to celebrate a Catholic Wedding, only to be told we can’t bring out daughter. I won’t assume why kids aren’t invited, but I don’t think there is a VALID reason as to why it would be OK to forgo kids at a Catholic wedding reception. (It starts at 4:30, so time is not the issue.)

Now, to add a little more info, another friend of the bride’s and my wife who is also in the wedding party, will have just had her 1st child a month or so before the wedding. I don’t know if that child is invited, but when I brought it up to my wife she said she imagined that the child would be because of its age.

I am curious of thoughts on this.

My thoughts are such:
• The Catholic Sacrament of Matrimony is about family. Marriage means the beginning of a new entity, a new family, and that means being open to life. I think that a new couple can choose to not invite kids, and we can choose to not go. Yet, my wife has made the “commitment” of standing up in the wedding, so therein lies the dilemma.

•I honestly wouldnt have such a hard time with this if it wasn’t for the fact that it is a CATHOLIC Wedding. I think that the institution of marriage is such that we need to model and stand for families and children. This reception is a party to celebrate a marriage, not just certain parts of being married.

•My wife is obviously very emotionally intwined in this. She knows that her friend is rather lukewarm in the faith, and so a discussion like this would not revolve around Faith or Catholicism - it would instead surround cost of meals, kids at parties, and social protocol. I don’t know how to separate myself from my faith and what marriage means, and what attendance at a party means for the purpose of the party.

• Because of the logistics of the situation, were we to attend the wedding we would most likely have to leave our daughter at my Sister-in-Laws house for at the very least an overnight (round-trip is approx: 500+ miles [9+ hours of driving]). She doesn’t know my SIL because we live so far away, I dont think she would have too hard of a time, but it is still a weird situation.

Please let me know how you think we should handle this. I have a pretty good idea, but I wanted to see if anyone thinks vastly different about this than the ways my wife and I are thinking about it.

 

[hodgewyfe]

Whether or not children are invited to a wedding or wedding reception is not a moral issue. The fact that this is a Catholic wedding is irrelevant. A guest cannot dictate to the hosts how to run the wedding reception. You either accept the invitation or you don’t.

Personally, I think that the main issue should be the welfare of your child. If you think it would be traumatic for her to spend a night without her parents in the care of people she doesn’t know, then you should regretfully decline, stating that you hadn’t previously realized that children would not be allowed. Or you could very politely and apologetically explain your concerns about your child and ask if she might be allowed to come, assuring the bride that you will not have any trouble taking care of her on your own while your wife is busy with her wedding party duties.

But if you think your child would be happy being left with your sister-in-law, just go ahead and do it.

 

[paperwight66]

Brilliant answer! Kind, respectful of the bride’s wishes, and realistic.

 

[pnewton]

This has come up before. As there is not right or wrong answer, do what you want. It surely ought not be an offense to the couple to tell them you will not attend without your child. It was their decision what kind of reception they wanted. I am sure they knew that a no-kids reception would put off some. Personally, I wouldn’t go, as I do not like no-kids receptions. I guess I am of like mind with you on this, but your wife’s opinion is also important as it is her friend.

 

[dskysmine]

Cultures…

Are you sure that you are not supposed to bring the baby?
In Portugal when invitations are sent they may not include the name of the babies simply because people are unaware of them but they are always welcome.
Can’t your wife call her to sort that out before you reject the invitation or submit your child to unnecessary hardship?
I think that even if she didn’t invite your daughter, if you explain to her how you feel about it honestly and charitably they will almost certainly let her go.
(I’m just guessing though… in Portugal things are usually a little different)

Good luck…

 

[aicirt]

Hodgewyfe’s reply was excellent. I don’t mind children at a wedding but it does depend on the wedding. A very formal affair where the meal is expensive and the possibility of crying babies has to be a consideration for the bride and groom.
One couple in similiar circumstance brought a babysitter who stayed in the hotel room with the baby allowing Mom to run up when necessary to feed baby. Another couple invited children to the wedding but hired a couple of sitters. The kids had a picnic in the room with food they would eat, played games, watched TV, and came down for cake. This gave the parents time to enjoy their meal and the dancing.

 

[Joannm]

I am in the process of planning my daughter’s wedding and we are not inviting any children to the reception except the grooms 1st cousin who will be 11 and is very close to him. First, if we invite one child there are a whole lot more that we would have to invite as many of my daughter’s friends have babies and toddlers. Second, the wedding is at a club with a pool. That means the parents would have to have their eyes on the kids every moment. Third, it is a very formal event, not beginning until 7:30 at night and ending after midnight. I have been to weddings where cranky kids have really disrupted the event for the guests and even the parents.

When my SIL got married I had a two year old and a 5 month old that I was nursing. The matron of honor had a 2 month old. Neither of us brought the babies to the reception. But we did live close enough to be able to go home and nurse between the church and reception, and also to live close enough to the reception to be able to go home if necessary.

Perhaps, as suggested, the bride or you could arrange for someone to accompany you and be with the child in another room or at someone’s home close by.

 

[MissRose73]

In the end, it is the decision of the bridal couple. Perhaps, the church has no places for young parents to take little ones and/or same for the reception hall for any number of reasons.

Some people on etiquette forums would say either find a sitter or stay home, and send on a gift with your regrets. Hopefully, the bridal couple will understand, and will find out in a few years that having children means the first few years, you got to carry around a lot more things.

 

[Tsuwano]

Whether or not children are invited to a wedding or wedding reception is not a moral issue. The fact that this is a Catholic wedding is irrelevant. A guest cannot dictate to the hosts how to run the wedding reception. You either accept the invitation or you don’t.

Personally, I think that the main issue should be the welfare of your child. If you think it would be traumatic for her to spend a night without her parents in the care of people she doesn’t know, then you should regretfully decline, stating that you hadn’t previously realized that children would not be allowed. Or you could very politely and apologetically explain your concerns about your child and ask if she might be allowed to come, assuring the bride that you will not have any trouble taking care of her on your own while your wife is busy with her wedding party duties.

But if you think your child would be happy being left with your sister-in-law, just go ahead and do it.

Excellent answer, but personally speaking . . . I wouldn’t attend a reception 4,000 miles away unless I could bring all of my family. I would politely decline the invitation and explain the reasons.

 

[puzzleannie]

should you attend? only if you care about the couple, want to be in the wedding, and want to participate in the reception, on the terms they set.

would I as a young parent want to? no but that is up to you

what we did do in similar situations is enlist teen and preteen relatives to act as babysitters during the actual event, but close by in case we were needed by babies and preschoolers. whether you are willing to undergo the extra time and expense is up to you. Personally the extra expense entailed in a “destination” wedding is an unreasonable burden I would not undertake unless I actually wanted to go to that destination at that time. You can always use the travelling during pregnancy excuse if you need one.

someday someone might get the courage to respond to such an invitation (including shower with reception is tacky time) with “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith regret they were unable to obtain a second mortgage to cover the highly overpriced and ugly bridesmaid dress, airfare and pricey accommodation at the “romantic wedding destination” and the associated costs, including the extortionate demands for gifts.”

ps. this is so NOT about a sacrament

 

[Matthew_Holford]

Please help me to understand this post. What does it mean to “stand-up” at a wedding? What is the “shower” the OP has been invited to as well as the wedding and reception.

 

[joanofarc2008]

Please help me to understand this post. What does it mean to “stand-up” at a wedding? What is the “shower” the OP has been invited to as well as the wedding and reception.

She is a bridesmaid. As far as the shower it is something thrown for the bride prior to the wedding. It does not include the groom.

 

[Phemie]

Please help me to understand this post. What does it mean to “stand-up” at a wedding? What is the “shower” the OP has been invited to as well as the wedding and reception.

They strip the bride and shove her under the fawcet

No, a shower is a pre-wedding party to collect gifts for the bride. It’s traditionally organized by a friend of the bride, not the bride herself or the family, hence the ‘tacky’ comments about receiving the shower invitation with the wedding invitation. In my day it was often a ‘kitchen shower’ and gifts were less expensive articles to use in the kitchen: tea towels, mixing bowls, etc. Today shower gifts can be lingerie, gift cards to major stores, etc.

Sometimes the shower includes the groom and his friends and in that case power tools might be part of the gifts. That said, when my goddaughter’s friend had a ‘just girls’ shower for her, power tools were high on the list of things suggested. She’s the repair person in the family.

“Stand-up at a wedding” is a term used for someone who will be in the wedding party, in this case either as maid/matron-of-honour or bridesmaid.

 

[JRKH]

My wife and I are invited to a wedding which will take place in a few months. The bride is my wife’s longtime & childhood friend. My wife is also supposed to “stand-up” in the wedding (wedding party).
The wedding is in our former home state and that means it is 4000+ miles away. It is also a semi-destination wedding, meaning that even when we fly back to our hometowns, the wedding is a few hundred miles away at a resort. The bride and groom both live where we used to live, so they are traveling to the wedding as well. My wife will be very pregnant at the time with #2, and so it will be quite an adventure just to get there
That being said, a rather interesting development came to our attention today. We received the wedding invitation (as well as a shower invite) and our 18mos old daughter is not invited. The wedding will be taking place at a Catholic Church, and the reception is at a Golf Course. We weren’t expecting this… but knowing the couple and their social circle, it isn’t a surprise.
I had a rather emotional reaction to this and said that I had a hard time flying and driving 4000+ miles to celebrate a Catholic Wedding, only to be told we can’t bring out daughter. I won’t assume why kids aren’t invited, but I don’t think there is a VALID reason as to why it would be OK to forgo kids at a Catholic wedding reception. (It starts at 4:30, so time is not the issue.)
I am curious of thoughts on this.

It’s the Bride and Groom who get to set the parameters of who gets invited and who does not.

It appears that the couple is designing a rather formal affair and this is likely the reason that children are not being invited. This is not at all uncommon and should not be taken as an insult. An 18 month old child can be a handful regardless of how well behaved they might (or might not) be on a specific day and at a specific time.

To your specific arguments…

My thoughts are such:
• The Catholic Sacrament of Matrimony is about family. Marriage means the beginning of a new entity, a new family, and that means being open to life. I think that a new couple can choose to not invite kids, and we can choose to not go. Yet, my wife has made the “commitment” of standing up in the wedding, so therein lies the dilemma.

Yes Catholic marriage means being open to life, but that does not mean that children should be invited to the wedding reception…Any more than Catholic marriage means you and your wife can’t call a babysitter and go out to dinner and a movie without your kid(s)
Since your wife has made the commitment, she should honor it and you should honor her for wanting to honor her commitment.

•I honestly wouldn’t have such a hard time with this if it wasn’t for the fact that it is a CATHOLIC Wedding. I think that the institution of marriage is such that we need to model and stand for families and children. This reception is a party to celebrate a marriage, not just certain parts of being married.

To me this is just purely emotional… You say the party should, “celebrate a marriage, not just certain parts of being married”…NO party celebrates all the aspects of a marriage. It doesn’t celebrate the disagreements, the tough times, the times when one might be out of work, sick, etc…
And I can fairly guarantee that for MOST Catholic parents, celebrating their marriage and family can include times away from the kids…
I just don’t think your emotional stance above is valid.

•My wife is obviously very emotionally entwined in this. She knows that her friend is rather lukewarm in the faith, and so a discussion like this would not revolve around Faith or Catholicism - it would instead surround cost of meals, kids at parties, and social protocol. I don’t know how to separate myself from my faith and what marriage means, and what attendance at a party means for the purpose of the party.

I must be honest…I really think that your reaction is a bit selfish here. YOU think the party should be a certain way and because it is not, you have serious problems with it…
I suggest you pray on this carefully and consider the upset and unhappiness you could cause to your wife, her friend, and to both your families (the chance for them to see your little one) by your refusal to accept the Bride’s wishes in this matter.

• Because of the logistics of the situation, were we to attend the wedding we would most likely have to leave our daughter at my Sister-in-Laws house for at the very least an overnight (round-trip is approx: 500+ miles [9+ hours of driving]). She doesn’t know my SIL because we live so far away, I dont think she would have too hard of a time, but it is still a weird situation.

Well I don’t know your SIL and whether she has kids or whatever, but it could be a wonderful experience for your daughter AND your SIL. Again, it just strikes me that you are stuck on this because of some vague idea you have about how the party should reflect marriage and family…a detail that threatens to upset a lot of other good that could come.

Please let me know how you think we should handle this. I have a pretty good idea, but I wanted to see if anyone thinks vastly different about this than the ways my wife and I are thinking about it.

Well actually I don’t think you have really told us how your wife is thinking about it.
All you have told us is that she has agreed to stand up at the wedding. Now if she agrees with you about all of this then the answer is simple…Decline, but do it soon so the bride can replace her in the wedding party. If your wife would like to go and be a part of the wedding party etc. then accept the terms of the Bride and Groom (It’s their day, not yours) and make arrangements with your SIL etc.

I apologize if any of the above sounds harsh or course…but you asked for (name removed by moderator)ut…

Peace
James

 

[aicirt]

should you attend? only if you care about the couple, want to be in the wedding, and want to participate in the reception, on the terms they set.

would I as a young parent want to? no but that is up to you

what we did do in similar situations is enlist teen and preteen relatives to act as babysitters during the actual event, but close by in case we were needed by babies and preschoolers. whether you are willing to undergo the extra time and expense is up to you. Personally the extra expense entailed in a “destination” wedding is an unreasonable burden I would not undertake unless I actually wanted to go to that destination at that time. You can always use the travelling during pregnancy excuse if you need one.

someday someone might get the courage to respond to such an invitation (including shower with reception is tacky time) with “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith regret they were unable to obtain a second mortgage to cover the highly overpriced and ugly bridesmaid dress, airfare and pricey accommodation at the “romantic wedding destination” and the associated costs, including the extortionate demands for gifts.”

ps. this is so NOT about a sacrament

Agree. One couple had their wedding 4000 miles away because it was romantic. Unfortunately, the grandparents on both sides were too old to make that kind of a trip. Very selfish of the newlyweds. These people had been an active part of their lives and now could not attend because of age and finances.
On the other hand, another couple had their wedding near the groom’s paternal grandmother in order that she would be able to attend. And that was at the suggestion of the bride’s Mom and Dad. How nice is that?

 

[johnnykins]

However much one wants a wedding to suit yourself as a guest, I am of the strong opinion that as a guest you have one of 2 choices: accept or decline. Contrary to some posters, I do not think it appropriate to ask the bride and groom to change things to suit you. In fact, it borders on rudeness.

Now this is a bit more complicated because, apparently, the wife has agreed to be part of the wedding party. Therefore she has already agreed to attend. So the choices are: (1) she now backs out by making up an excuse (the time, money, health - all not being real reasons) which is selfish and rude; (2) she goes by herself and husband declines; or (3) husband and wife both go and make arrangements for the child to be taken care of. Both 2 and 3 are acceptable and reasonable.

Time to grow up and act like an adult - accept or decline and be polite about it. The world, contrary to popular opinion, does not revolve around any of us or our children.

 

[Spencerian]

My wife-to-be and I had this very dilemma for our wedding last November. She was very afraid of offending the guests in not inviting their children to the wedding.

We chose not to have children in general for our wedding and reception for these reasons:

1. Weddings are not a picnic where people bring everyone and their pets. They are often extravagant events with much planning and special events that, in the case of children whose parents are less than observant, could wreck (such as the cake being knocked over).
2. Meal and lodging costs can get prohibitive. In the case of a destination wedding, often the bride and groom foot a part or the entire bill for their guests. Children add to this cost.
3. Children do bring a level of wonder and merriment to weddings–but also extra care. My wife recalled a wedding where the little girls huddled around the bride, whose dress and tiara transformed her into a princess in their eyes. What bride would NOT want to have that moment? Still, there’s the cost and lodging and logistics. Infants are very cute but can interrupt a Mass or reception with crying, requiring the bride and groom to ensure that accommodations are available for the parents so neither the guest is inconvenienced nor the couple’s day is thrown off.
4. My wife and I also decided that a wedding is a good way for the adult guests to have a night out. This not only relieved the couple of noise and distraction, but it gave our married guests a chance to reinforce their own marital bond. Nothing does this better than a wedding.

That’s not to say we didn’t have a few children. Most were young adults and immediate family or part of the wedding party, and we had a couple of cute kids for our ringbearer and flower girl. As others said, guests should remember that cost is the prime driver in a big wedding, with logistics close after.

The bride and groom are not trying to give offense; but this is their One Day and it is important for them in this one day to have things they way they need it to be.

That said, infants may be treated differently by couples. I certainly would have made an exception if we had a couple that asked if it was OK, based on the age of the infant. So do check with your friends if you must bring your baby, and they may give you an OK.

 

[JRKH]

Spencerian,

Great post above from the point of view of a bride and groom planning…

I have to say that as a kid growing up we attended a LOT of wedding receptions. I grew up in a “German Catholic”, blue collar type family. Much of the family was close by and as my parent’s cousins etc got married they got a lot of invites. I can’t say how many of those might not have included us kids, but MOST did.
BUT - these were receptions that were held at the Eagles Hall, or VFW, or American Legion post and the families were all there to celebrate, and visit with each other as much as with the bride and groom. Good old fashioned “gab fests” with beer and chips and a fairly basic buffet. Add a band and a dance floor and everyone was happy.

Today it seems that many folks have gotten away from these more basic kinds of “Parties”, opting instead for the more formal “reception”. The problem is that some take it to the extreme, rack up enormous costs/debt and for what? To me it all seems so selfish…

But that’s just me…

Peace
James

 

[PatriceA]

It’s the Bride and Groom who get to set the parameters of who gets invited and who does not.

It appears that the couple is designing a rather formal affair and this is likely the reason that children are not being invited. This is not at all uncommon and should not be taken as an insult. An 18 month old child can be a handful regardless of how well behaved they might (or might not) be on a specific day and at a specific time.

To your specific arguments…

Yes Catholic marriage means being open to life, but that does not mean that children should be invited to the wedding reception…Any more than Catholic marriage means you and your wife can’t call a babysitter and go out to dinner and a movie without your kid(s)
Since your wife has made the commitment, she should honor it and you should honor her for wanting to honor her commitment.

To me this is just purely emotional… You say the party should, “celebrate a marriage, not just certain parts of being married”…NO party celebrates all the aspects of a marriage. It doesn’t celebrate the disagreements, the tough times, the times when one might be out of work, sick, etc…
And I can fairly guarantee that for MOST Catholic parents, celebrating their marriage and family can include times away from the kids…
I just don’t think your emotional stance above is valid.

I must be honest…I really think that your reaction is a bit selfish here. YOU think the party should be a certain way and because it is not, you have serious problems with it…
I suggest you pray on this carefully and consider the upset and unhappiness you could cause to your wife, her friend, and to both your families (the chance for them to see your little one) by your refusal to accept the Bride’s wishes in this matter.

Well I don’t know your SIL and whether she has kids or whatever, but it could be a wonderful experience for your daughter AND your SIL. Again, it just strikes me that you are stuck on this because of some vague idea you have about how the party should reflect marriage and family…a detail that threatens to upset a lot of other good that could come.

Well actually I don’t think you have really told us how your wife is thinking about it.
All you have told us is that she has agreed to stand up at the wedding. Now if she agrees with you about all of this then the answer is simple…Decline, but do it soon so the bride can replace her in the wedding party. If your wife would like to go and be a part of the wedding party etc. then accept the terms of the Bride and Groom (It’s their day, not yours) and make arrangements with your SIL etc.

I apologize if any of the above sounds harsh or course…but you asked for (name removed by moderator)ut…

Peace
James

Excellent responses.

I got to say, I can not understand why the bride didn’t inform your wife before the invitations went out about the no kids policy. That did have to be quite a shock. The bride should have talked to your wife about all of this when she asked her to be in the wedding so she could make an informed decision.

 

[leonie]

I think it’s fine for a wedding couple to stipulate no children. It’s a personal choice.

However, I wouldn’t leave a 18 month old for more than a few hours. And, I wouldn’t travel cross country in the latter stages of pregnancy. Probably, I would cancel with regrets and send an extra nice wedding present (you’ll be saving all that money from the trip).