Wedding Dilemma - Who should stand up?

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MelissaMarie

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I have a serious dilemma facing me. Last February I became engaged (this was good news, not the dilemma!). Right away I asked my two younger sisters (ages 17 and 18) to stand up in our January, 2005 wedding.

Unfortunately, my 18 year old sister has since fallen away from our family; she moved in with her boyfriend secretly (a boy she had dated in the past several times and broken up with because he cheated on her or she found he was doing drugs again; he has a reputation–including several fines–for drinking, doing drugs, and generally being mischievous and a bad influence). My family never understood why she always took him back, she is a gorgeous, smart, outgoing young woman who deserves so much more in a man. I suspect that is why she began dating him again secretly; she knew my parents would not approve. In June, she told us that she was pregnant. She had just finished her first year of college and he had just finished high school. Needless to say, this was a huge shock to everyone who knew her, and prayers are gladly appreciated! I had no idea (nor did anyone else) that their relationship had even progressed to this level; she claimed that they had separate bedrooms and wanted to wait until their wedding night to have sex.

Which brings me to the dilemma. I don’t know if I want her to stand up in the wedding anymore. She will be eight and a half months pregnant on our wedding day, which raises a plethora of practical concerns regarding standing up in the wedding (dress fitting, early arrival of baby, being confined to bedrest, shoes fitting, stress involved, etc., etc.). Not only that, I have moral issues with asking her to stand up in my wedding when her lifestyle is a complete contradiction to what I believe marriage is. Are these sorts of concerns justified? Or am I being overly self-righteous?

When I told her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for her to stand up she became very upset. I still love her as my sister, and pray for her, but I just felt like it wasn’t right for her to stand up in the wedding. I want her to be involved, and so asked her to be the “Bride’s Personal Assistant” instead; she will do my hair and makeup and still be with all of us on the wedding day, she just won’t stand at the altar as a bridesmaid. I don’t see any moral conflict with who styles my hair or does my makeup or things like that. She agreed to do this, and wants to be involved, but is still hurt that she will not be a bridesmaid.

There are three couples that will be standing up. There are three men we have already asked. One of the girls is my 17 year old sister and the other is my fiance’s 18 year old sister. So that leaves one spot left. Should I ask my pregnant sister? Otherwise, I am deciding between a lifelong friend from childhood who I have begun to lose touch with or a newer friend from college who is closer to me now.

Another issue is the concern of asking non-Catholics to stand up in a Catholic wedding. Is this okay? My fiance is a convert to the faith, so none of his family is Catholic (though they have no issues or qualms about his conversion whatsoever). His sister and brother, who are standing up, are not Catholic. We will of course delicately handle the reception of Communion issues, but other than that are there any concerns we should be aware of?

Thanks for your prayers and advice on this issue; please let me know if there’s anything else I can say to clarify my position. I am truly seeking guidance on this sensitive family issue.
 
Wow, this is a tough one. Morally I guess I would ask my priest.

My guess is she’s probably already in a pretty emotional state being preganant, unmarried in an unstable relationship. I would guess she “pretty upset” because she felt rejected. Despite the poor choices she’s made she is going to need all the support she can get.

I’m sure it was not your dream on your wedding day to have your sister unwed, in full bloom, marching down the aisle. It really is up to you but if it were me I would let her. (Just my personal humble opinion.) I’m sure there a many a brides maids that walk down the aisle that are engaged in premarital sex and all kinds morally questionable behavior. Your sister chose to keep this baby, she could have chose abortion-without even letting you know. Then you wouldn’t be in this “dilemma”.

She’s a young woman facing a big responsibilty, ahe’s going to need all the support from her big sister that she can get.
 
Ask her. If you don’t have any logical choice who should be in her place, pick her. If she isn’t embarrased, you shouldn’t be. You’ve expressed your concerns, now let it go.

As far as Catholic or nonCatholic bridesmaids or groomsmen, it doesn’t matter. Only the two witnesses matter, and that’s only civilly. All the rest is ceremonial, but not liturgical, so the Church has no position on this.

At our wedding in 2000, one reader was Catholic, and one Methodist. The celebrant only asked if she was Christian, and if she could speak well. (She did.)

John
 
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MelissaMarie:
When I told her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for her to stand up she became very upset. I still love her as my sister, and pray for her, but I just felt like it wasn’t right for her to stand up in the wedding. I want her to be involved, and so asked her to be the “Bride’s Personal Assistant” instead; she will do my hair and makeup and still be with all of us on the wedding day, she just won’t stand at the altar as a bridesmaid. I don’t see any moral conflict with who styles my hair or does my makeup or things like that. She agreed to do this, and wants to be involved, but is still hurt that she will not be a bridesmaid.
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Wow! I think that is a great solution. I’m sorry she is hurt, but so you and your family by her behavior.

:love: Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!
 
I thought that the people you chose to stand up at your wedding are the ones who will support the life long commitment you and your fiance are making to each other. If this is the case, whether married or not, Catholic or not, if the person will hold you both to your vows, encourage your marriage, and not do anything to undermine the covenant (such as suggest divorce), then that person would probably be a good choice for a witness.
 
Hmmm…this is interesting. No priest ever mentioned to us that we could not have non-Catholics or non-practicing Catholics be our witnesses and I would think they would have because they’re all pretty orthodox, by the book, Catholic priests. If we are calling them witnesses, aren’t they just that? It would also seem that a good, moral, Catholic wedding might be a good thing for them to witness. I’d check with the AAA Forum but if they say there is no conflict I don’t see any harm in having her in the wedding. It might even make her more self-conscious about her way of life.
 
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MelissaMarie:
I have a serious dilemma facing me. Last February I became engaged (this was good news, not the dilemma!). Right away I asked my two younger sisters (ages 17 and 18) to stand up in our January, 2005 wedding.

Unfortunately, my 18 year old sister has since fallen away from our family; she moved in with her boyfriend secretly (a boy she had dated in the past several times and broken up with because he cheated on her or she found he was doing drugs again; he has a reputation–including several fines–for drinking, doing drugs, and generally being mischievous and a bad influence). My family never understood why she always took him back, she is a gorgeous, smart, outgoing young woman who deserves so much more in a man. I suspect that is why she began dating him again secretly; she knew my parents would not approve. In June, she told us that she was pregnant. She had just finished her first year of college and he had just finished high school. Needless to say, this was a huge shock to everyone who knew her, and prayers are gladly appreciated! I had no idea (nor did anyone else) that their relationship had even progressed to this level; she claimed that they had separate bedrooms and wanted to wait until their wedding night to have sex.

Which brings me to the dilemma. I don’t know if I want her to stand up in the wedding anymore. She will be eight and a half months pregnant on our wedding day, which raises a plethora of practical concerns regarding standing up in the wedding (dress fitting, early arrival of baby, being confined to bedrest, shoes fitting, stress involved, etc., etc.). Not only that, I have moral issues with asking her to stand up in my wedding when her lifestyle is a complete contradiction to what I believe marriage is. Are these sorts of concerns justified? Or am I being overly self-righteous?

When I told her that I didn’t think it would be a good idea for her to stand up she became very upset. I still love her as my sister, and pray for her, but I just felt like it wasn’t right for her to stand up in the wedding. I want her to be involved, and so asked her to be the “Bride’s Personal Assistant” instead; she will do my hair and makeup and still be with all of us on the wedding day, she just won’t stand at the altar as a bridesmaid. I don’t see any moral conflict with who styles my hair or does my makeup or things like that. She agreed to do this, and wants to be involved, but is still hurt that she will not be a bridesmaid.

There are three couples that will be standing up. There are three men we have already asked. One of the girls is my 17 year old sister and the other is my fiance’s 18 year old sister. So that leaves one spot left. Should I ask my pregnant sister? Otherwise, I am deciding between a lifelong friend from childhood who I have begun to lose touch with or a newer friend from college who is closer to me now.

Another issue is the concern of asking non-Catholics to stand up in a Catholic wedding. Is this okay? My fiance is a convert to the faith, so none of his family is Catholic (though they have no issues or qualms about his conversion whatsoever). His sister and brother, who are standing up, are not Catholic. We will of course delicately handle the reception of Communion issues, but other than that are there any concerns we should be aware of?

Thanks for your prayers and advice on this issue; please let me know if there’s anything else I can say to clarify my position. I am truly seeking guidance on this sensitive family issue.
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Ask an appologist.
 
You and your fiance are marrying each other. The bridesmaids are really just a tradition, and not a critical part of the wedding. You could do without them if you wanted to. I really believe you should have her in your wedding. Think about how she must feel. She knows she has done something wrong. She knows she is in moral trouble. Your judgement doesn’t help. You need to show her unconditional love. She’ll find it that much easier to leave that jerk (NOT her husband - she can still leave him) if she knows that her family loves her and supports her. It’s not your job to punish, and I’m sure you have a few sins of your own. Get over it.
 
It’s pretty simple, actually.

Think about what the role of a bridesmaid is.

A bridesmaid is not there as an example of what you consider to be the way to live… or a personal hero.

The role of a bridesmaid is that of a close friend or family member who supports YOUR marriage.

Hey… I had a friend who is a lesbian as one of my TWO bridesmaids.

As far as the person who witnesses your wedding… that’s the priest. He’s there to represent the entire Body of Christ… the entire Church Militant (here on Earth) and the entire Church Triumphant (in Heaven).

Of course, everyone else there at the wedding is there because you invited THEM to be witnesses at your wedding, too.

My advice is to do EVERYTHING you can to “make nice” with your sister. When you apologize to her, start off telling her how in your struggle to do everything “just right” for putting together your wedding that YOU got confused. And that you didn’t mean to hurt her but obviously you had.

Plead with her to stand up as one of your bridesmaids. Not to make the count even as three couples making up the wedding party. That you want her to be one of your bridesmaids because you love her… and ask for her forgiveness.

Hope this helps!
 
Melissa,

Mama Geek and Veronica Anne have hit the nail on the head. If you leave your sister out on one of the most important times of your life, you’re cutting off the opportunity for you to be grace for her.

Pray over this. Thanks for posting it, I believe you’ve gotten fine advice.

John
 
John Higgins:
Melissa,

Mama Geek and Veronica Anne have hit the nail on the head. If you leave your sister out on one of the most important times of your life, you’re cutting off the opportunity for you to be grace for her.

Pray over this. Thanks for posting it, I believe you’ve gotten fine advice.

John
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John, I understand where you are coming from but I think you are harsh in your judgement that Melissa is “cutting off the opportunity…to be grace” for her sister. I agree that she should not be harsh in her assessment of her sister and cut her any relationship with her. But I don’t think she is doing that from what she has shared with us. It is a less than ideal situation–a situation created by her sister’s choices.

I don’t think Melissa has to parade her 8 1/2 months pregnant sister in all of her wedding pictures just to prove that Melissa is a good sister. At a projected 8 1/2 months pregnant, the sister (even if married) is likely to be unreliable for her wedding as she could easily have the baby two weeks early. Furthermore, Melissa chose her sister as bridesmaid when she was living a virtuous life. Melissa is the bride and has every right to be the center of attention, not her sister the bridesmaid who is ready to be an unmarried mother at any minute. I think we should support Melissa in the decisions she has chosen.
 
you only need two witnesses, one man and one woman, who are adult fully initiated practicing Catholics (in addition to the priest or deacon), who traditionally are the best man and maid (matron) of honor, but don’t have to be, as long as they are the ones who sign the certificate. The rest of your bridesmaids and groomsmen can be anyone you like, of any religious affiliation, or not. Whether they would want to participate in a Church ceremony is another topic, you would just have to ask them.

the number of bridesmaids and grooms men does not have to match, by the way, they are not pairing up for anything.

My oldest daughter was mucho pregnant when her sister was married, they just took it into account when they bought the dresses. Quite an accomplishement since one girl is 6"1, one 4’11", one 5’6" 120 lbs, one 8 months pregnant. Made fittings interesting.

You may want to ask your pregnant sister, out of concern for her health, if she would be more comfortable taking another important role such as guest book, gift register etc. which does not require a religious statement of some kind. She will of course be present on this day with your family in any case (unless she delivers early, of course), consideration for her comfort should be paramount here, not how things will look in your wedding pictures.

Of course any guest or person in the wedding party who is not fully in communion with the Catholic church will not be receiving holy communion. It is for this reason that often couples are given the option of celebrating the ceremony outside Mass, to avoid the situation of appearing to deny the sacrament to half the guests.
 
I don’t see the problem, it is not as though you are choosing godparents, I personally never looked up to bridesmaids or ushers as models for example to begin with, nor do I think any of your guests will.

" Furthermore, Melissa chose her sister as bridesmaid when she was living a virtuous life"

I don’t see how anyone could know the level of virtue in Melissa’s sister’s life anymore more than the rest of the bridesmaids, pregnant or not. I personally was trying to live a more spiritual life than I ever had when I was pregnant and unmarried! I must admit though, I don’t think I would want to be a bridesmaid at 8 mos. pregnant for practical reasons which were already mentioned, particularly if I had an early delivery and had wasted money on a dress.
So I understand Melissa’a concern there.
 
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char34:
I don’t see the problem, it is not as though you are choosing godparents, I personally never looked up to bridesmaids or ushers as models for example to begin with, nor do I think any of your guests will.

I don’t see how anyone could know the level of virtue in Melissa’s sister’s life anymore more than the rest of the bridesmaids, pregnant or not. I personally was trying to live a more spiritual life than I ever had when I was pregnant and unmarried!
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Everyone is entitled to their opinion. This is one I don’t agree with you on. And I don’t understand why you don’t have a little more sympathy for Melissa and her dilemma. It seems to me we are all supposed to have sympathy, compassion, and support the unmarried pregnant sister. But some people don’t extend that non-judgmental view to Melissa. In their opinion, she has only one option. Melissa, in this way of thinking, can ONLY rejoice for her sister’s situation and outfit here in a bridesmaid dress. Any other option is unkind. I don’t agree. Guess we are going to have to agree to disagree with this one.
 
My opinion has nothing to do with sympathy for Melissa, I do sympathise with her having to deal with her sister’s situation in general, I was just pointing out she is doing nothing immoral by having her sister as a bridesmaid.
 
La Chiara:
But I don’t think she is doing that from what she has shared with us. It is a less than ideal situation–a situation created by her sister’s choices.

Furthermore, Melissa chose her sister as bridesmaid when she was living a virtuous life. QUOTE]

I’m sorry but this just makes me mad. :mad: Are all the other’s in the wedding party living a “virtuous life”. You want to talk about casting the 1st stone? Jeeze we’re all fall short.

This girl made bad choices, but she could have chosen to abort that baby, esecially because she’s in a relationship that’s so unstable. She didn’t do that. Your wedding day is one day in your life. Life is full of less than ideal situations. We are all in need of the mercy of Gods forgiveness.This is her sister, not some high school aquaintance.

I am not unsympathetic to Melissa’s situation but she was asking because she was unsure she made the right decision. It is up to her ofcourse. I think if not now, down the road she would see that supporting her sister and not making her feel rejected was more important than what some disapproving guests might think. My sister died when I was 13 and I would have given anything for her to be in my wedding when I got of married regardless of what her “situation” was!
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rayne89:
I’m sorry but this just makes me mad. :mad: Are all the other’s in the wedding party living a “virtuous life”. You want to talk about casting the 1st stone? Jeeze we’re all fall short.

This girl made bad choices, but she could have chosen to abort that baby, esecially because she’s in a relationship that’s so unstable. She didn’t do that. Your wedding day is one day in your life. Life is full of less than ideal situations. We are all in need of the mercy of Gods forgiveness.This is her sister, not some high school aquaintance.
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Rayne–I would repeat what I said in post #15:
LaChiara:
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. This is one I don’t agree with you on. And I don’t understand why you don’t have a little more sympathy for Melissa and her dilemma. It seems to me we are all supposed to have sympathy, compassion, and support the unmarried pregnant sister. But some people don’t extend that non-judgmental view to Melissa. In their opinion, she has only one option. Melissa, in this way of thinking, can ONLY rejoice for her sister’s situation and outfit here in a bridesmaid dress. Any other option is unkind. I don’t agree. Guess we are going to have to agree to disagree with this one.
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As someone with 2 sisters, it is my job to love my sisters and ALWAYS try to do what Jesus would do. You sister chose LIFE. Yep, she sinned - but, that baby is NOT sin, this baby is LIFE, your family, and your sister has made the brave right choice by choosing life. She sinned, and her forgivness is between your sister and God. Love her, and support her through this difficult time. Ask her what she wants to do, and love her and support her. It is about a marriage, not a perfect Martha Stewart wedding - and marriage is about LIFE.
 
FAMILY is family no matter what.

you wonder how she views marriage bonds, but your decision might make others question how you view family bonds.

ALWAYS stand by your family.
ALWAYS.
 
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