Wedding Diplomacy!

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bunnynessuk

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Hi all!

This question is really directed at the Moms on the forum but any (name removed by moderator)ut would be gratefully received.

I am in the final stages of ‘planning’ the wedding and I am about to put my plans into action with the first task being to get the invites out and this is of course my first hurdle…

I am as many of you may remember adopted, I have being in and out of contact with my biological siblings during the past 6 years mainly behind my moms back as she does get upset when the subject of my having a family outside of the unit she has created comes up. My adoption was never a secret I was adopted at 10 and prior to this I had contact with these family members on a regular basis.

My biological siblings and I are now having telephone contact and we meet up for shopping etc now I would like these siblings at my wedding but I dont want to upset my mother or cause her to be uncomfortable - if you were in this situation how would you handle it?

Thanks!

Jay
 
*hi bunny-

Why does your mother get upset or is uncomfortable with you having associations with your bio family? You’re an adult, and it would be natural for you to have those associations. Has she ever said why she feels that way?*
 
She likes to think that she has always been our mom and any hint from the past that this isnt so seems to upset her she is in some ways unstable and this is one of her issues.

I can understand why it is difficult in that to her it shows that we had a family before her and that there are ‘blood’ ties and with my bio father still being alive although out of the picture I can get her fears that we might leave the life she has created for our bio family.

Im just well yknow wanting my siblings to be at my wedding!!
 
Ok. Yes, I understand…The reality is though, you DO have a bio family, and your mom wishing to avoid that, won’t make it so. I would try to explain that your love for her will never change, that you would appreciate your bio siblings being present at your wedding.Your mom truly needs to get past it. Her being your mother doesn’t change, because you want to have interactions with your bio family.:o I think if you have some conversations along those lines, hopefully, she will understand that this is important to you, and frankly, your wedding day isn’t about your mom. It’s about you, who you want to invite…etc…

I will pray that she has peace of mind over this–I understand her uneasiness, but she really shouldn’t feel insecure about your interactions with your bio family. I will pray for you and her! Congrats on your engagement! 🙂
 
Maybe you can give a short “testimonial” at the wedding or reception in honor of your mother. At the end of our wedding, my husband and I spoke to the congregation and thanked our parents and all those who had been instrumental in bringing us to that point in our lives. You could do something similar, speaking about you mother’s impact in your life. She will hear your words in front of those who remind her that you aren’t “blood” and it may be a reassurance to her that you are hers in more than the “blood”. Isn’t that how we are related to God - not by the blood of genetics, but by the blood of Jesus’ sacrifice? Yet our status as children of God is the most important in our lives.

You could start sending that message to her by sending her a card each week thanking her for some aspect of her mothering you. I’m sure she would be touched.
 
I know my parents act in fear over my biological family. I think they’re afraid they’ll damage me more. I think maybe they also have a bit of sadness that they weren’t there for me and those people knew me before.

I think now is a good time to talk to your mom about her insecurities. That she’s your mom and that these people will never replace her. That you have grown and don’t blame your siblings (who were just as innocent as you were). Explain that they are a different kind of family and that you appreciate what she’s done.

I think every parent is apt to have insecurities about their kids and being wanted, adoption only intensifies the matter.
 
If your mom is paying for the wedding, then, she gets a say in who is invited.

If you are paying for it yourself, then, working out a lovely testimonial to your mom would be a nice way to show her how you are not “replacing” her with your bio sibs.
 
Mom may get a say if she pays but she shouldn’t expect you to pretend that the first 10 years of your life didn’t happen. Tell her up front and reassure, reassure, reassure. She has probably always had a fear that if you kept in touch you’d one day choose your biological family over your adoptive family. Keep reassuring her that that won’t happen. She loves you and she wants you to be happy.
 
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