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Tenebrae
Guest
If you are a member of the bridal party (i.e. groomsman or bridesmaid) are you still expected to give a gift? You’ve already incurred some expense in either renting or buying your outfit.
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Petaro
Guest
I would buy a gift I could afford but not go over the top. You have been recognised as an important part of their lives and they would understand if you have already gone to the expense of hiring a tux etc. Just a token is all that is needed.
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FightingFat
Guest
Yes.
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MJJean
Guest
Traditionally, yes, the wedding party are supposed to give a wedding gift to the couple. Some buy individually, some groups chip in together for something really nice, some even just foot the expense of the bridal shower or bachelorette party as their gift. But, no, being part of the wedding party doesn’t get you out of being expected to buy some sort of present.
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on_the_hill
Guest
Yes.
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Cricket2
Guest
I think that is a personal choice myself. I don’t find anything wrong with not giving a gift in this situation. I think your gift is the fact that you are a member of the bridal party.
In general, I think people put too much emphasis on gifts. If a person has no money or ability to buy a gift they should not have to feel obligated or guilty related to this. I have never felt slighted by anyone who could not provide a gift to me for the Holidays or my birthday for example. The fact that they wished me well was enough.
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Avocadomom
Guest
Yes. It would be tacky to forego a gift.
If you cannot afford to be both in the bridal party and give a gift to the newlyweds, the thing to decline is being in the bridal party.
If you cannot afford to be both in the bridal party and give a gift to the newlyweds, the thing to decline is being in the bridal party.
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Avocadomom
Guest
A birthday or holiday is not a wedding. An invitation to a wedding necessitates a gift, even if it is a modest one.
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blujazz25
Guest
Yes, its customary. I feel that it would be a little disrespectful not giving the bride and groom a gift when they picked you to have a part in the wedding.
A small token is ok, if you still cannot afford it…why not ask your other entourage members to pitch in with their gifts.
A small token is ok, if you still cannot afford it…why not ask your other entourage members to pitch in with their gifts.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
IMHO, you’re never under an obligation to give a gift to another adult. You’re already spending 1000 dollars to be in a wedding for the person and that seems more than enough to me.
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tawny
Guest
Agree.
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Avocadomom
Guest
Being asked to be in a bridal party is considered an honor and a privilege for the participant, not a gift or favor to the engaged couple.
Being invited to a wedding is about as close to an obligation to give a gift as it gets. You can always choose to toss aside etiquette and tradition, but you will be seen as a heel.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
It is an honor and privilege most people hope and pray to never receive.
People are getting way to entitled with these gifts. If I though that receiving a wedding invite was a solicitation for money I’d simply throw it in the garbage with the rest of the junk mail. I know I never intended to ask for anything when my wife and I sent our wedding invite. Again, adults feeling entitled to a gift is a problem.
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Avocadomom
Guest
If you aren’t interested in being in someone’s wedding, the polite way to handle it is to very graciously decline to participate.
This isn’t about entitlement, and wedding invitations aren’t a solicitation for money. This is standard, old-fashioned etiquette. The couple marrying are probably spending more money to host you at their wedding reception than you are spending on the toaster. If you are invited to come, it is an honor. You show your happiness for the couple, and your appreciation for the invitation, with an appropriate gift.
I’m a big believer in traditional manners. I realize that, these days, anything goes - but I stand by Grandma’s ettiquete as the gold-standard in civilized behavior.
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Burt_Macklin
Guest
If I’m not mistaken, viewing the wedding invite as invoice is the innovation, at least it is according to Mrs Manners. The gold-standard in the past was, again according to Mrs Manners, “there is no such thing as an obligatory gift.” People are confusing the meaning of a gift.
The more important question for me is whether I can stand the disapproval of someone who feels they are entitled to a gift. It might be worth 40 to keep peace. It’s something I decide when the occasion arises.
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Avocadomom
Guest
It’s not obligatory, as in no one will come hunt you down and whack you on the head if you don’t send something. But it is absolutely customary and polite. This is also from Miss Manners
“A wedding invitation requires an immediate response, accepting or declining it. Anyone who accepts presumably cares enough to comply with the convention of sending a present. Those who also care but are prevented from attending may want to send something, but need not.”
Basically - if you care at all about the couple, send something!
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thewanderer
Guest
I absolutely agree that as a wedding guest you should do your best to give a gift, however, the married couple should not feel entitled to any gifts and if someone fails to give them a gift it should not lower that person in their opinion. Sometimes things happen and you really never know that persons situation. I have some very good friends who didn’t get us a wedding gift and to be honest I couldn’t care less. I didn’t invite them for a gift I invited them so that they could be there to share in our special day. IMHO you shouldn’t invite anybody to your wedding you would be upset with if they didn’t bring a gift.
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Tarpeian_Rock
Guest
I’m all for traditional manners – but: There are so many “destination weddings” today. I can guarantee you that in such circumstances the couple ISN’T spending more to host than either the cost of going or the cost of being in the wedding. My daughter has been asked to be in a wedding in Italy, so she is facing transatlantic airfare costs from the East Coast, hotel North of Rome, to say nothing of the dress and accessories. This was a high school friend, not family. Sure she could decline…but to my way of thinking, the classy thing for the bride to do would have been to put out word that one’s “presence” is “present” enough. And while this may be an extreme example, in my family I can’t recall the last wedding that took place any closer than 200 or so miles from “home.”
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Lorelei12
Guest
Yes, you are still expected to give a gift. Agreeing to be a member of the wedding party means you are voluntarily taking on those additional expenses that arise out of that.
It doesn’t have to be something expensive. Do what you can afford, and at the very least get a card.
It doesn’t have to be something expensive. Do what you can afford, and at the very least get a card.
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Avocadomom
Guest
I don’t agree. No gift says “I don’t care.” Even if one is living in poverty, one can make up a certificate for “free housesitting” or “free petsitting.” A gift need not be new - how about passing on something special-to-you that you would like the wedding couple to have? One of my favorite gifts was a collection of about 20 cherished family recipes hand-written into a little booklet by a friend of my grandmother’s. The whole thing probably cost her $5, and a few hours of her time to neatly write the information. One can make the gift of an herb garden or a few baking mixes for very little. Really, going to Tuesday Morning and buying a cookie sheet for $9 suffices as a token of one’s affection. A nice azalea from Home Depot with a bow on it can work.
A gift should always be within one’s means, but some sort of gift should always be sent unless the invitee wants to portray true hostility.
This isn’t an entitlement thing. It’s not about “just wanting more stuff.” It’s about taking a very serious step in life and inviting others to take part in that day. It’s about acknowledging the solemnity and importance of the sacrament. Simply not saying anything and never sending a gift is gauche. It says, “This is really not important to me at all.”
One has a year after the wedding to send a gift. If buying or making something is not in the cards at the time of the wedding, one has a whole year to figure out something.
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