Wedding Etiquette

[mandajane]

I was told growing up by my late great-grandmother, that a lady never registers for gifts, that doing so assumes people are unable to pick what to get for you themselves, and it’s rude.

Today I was talking to some friends and family about the wedding, and they asked where I was registered. When I said I wasn’t registered anywhere, that I’d been told it was rude, they insisted that it was rude NOT to, and that not registering meant I wanted cash!

The second issue is a response card in the invitation. I was also told that a response card implied that my guest didn’t know how to respond to an invitation, so it was rude to include one. However, I’ve been told that apparently not including one means I don’t want them to come. I’m not sure what to do.

So, what’s your opinion on these issues?

 

[1ke]

Whoever is telling you this stuff is giving you misguided information. While technically correct that responses are to be sent on one’s stationery, tell me, who in 2013 has formal stationery?

I suggest you invest in either Cranes Blue Book or an Emily Post wedding etiquette book. Emily Post has an excellent website. And neither frown upon a registry or an RSVP card.

Registries are not rude. However, putting information about a registry in your wedding invitation is. You spread your registry information by word of mouth-- family, maid of honor, etc. Historically, the registry was to inform people of your patterns for formal china, silver, and crystal. But now people register for other things as well.

Response cards are also not rude. I would say anyone north of the 19th century and south of 5th Avenue would be baffled if you did not include a response card.

The above does not apply if you are a Rockefeller, a member of the royal family in England, or perhaps a debutante. They have formal stationery and know how to use it.

Otherwise, go with the modern customs of registries and RSVP cards.

 

[mandajane]

It was my great-grandmother, and she followed Miss Manners, I guess? I have a book, Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, that reiterates the same.

 

[hannajomar]

Well, SOMEONE will always find what you do as rude. There’s really no getting around that.
This seems especially true for weddings. At my wedding, I knew the families of the two flower girls didn’t have much money to spend. I purchased simple sun dresses for them that coordinated with the brides maid dresses ($20 each). Someone uninvolved told me they needed to wear formal dresses. I found it helpful to kindly tell criticizers, “this is what we’re doing.” It’s usually counter-productive to try to convince the person that what you are doing is “right.”

As to your specific situation, where I’m from, brides usually register for gifts, and include a response card in the invitation. But I have received a few lately without the response card. I don’t think I would see it as rude one way or the other. Personally, I think it’s nice to register for gifts. If I’m going to spend money on a wedding gift, I want to know the couple wants it. But I don’t see anything wrong with choosing something that’s not on the registry either.

Clear as mud, right?

 

[1ke]

It was my great-grandmother, and she followed Miss Manners, I guess? I have a book, Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, that reiterates the same.

Your great grandmother got married in 194- or 195- something. People did indeed have formal stationery and know how to use it. Can you say the same for your friends today?

Do what you want. I am simply telling you that if you forego response cards you will baffle 99% of guests and probably irritate 50%. And, you will also annoy a good number by not having a registry.

But, ultimately, it is up to you.

 

[dixieagle]

It was my great-grandmother, and she followed Miss Manners, I guess? I have a book, Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding, that reiterates the same.

Miss Manners apparently hasn’t had to track down wedding invitees who haven’t responded, thereby making it impossible to estimate how many guests to expect.

Back in 1974, when I got married, I refused to use response cards, and most folks then actually knew to respond in writing. When my first daughter married in 2004, I wouldn’t have considered for a moment omitting response cards; we’d never have heard from anyone. As it was, we had a few folks bring uninvited guests. Use the cards, or you’ll really wish you had.

As for a wedding registry, it makes it easy to get a gift that you know the couple can use. No one is forcing you to get something from the registry, but I know that I’d rather purchase something the couple wants.

 

[almondbaby19]

Personally, I was too “shy” to register for presents to my then fiance and I just made a “wishing well” out of wood where everyone put cards if they wished. We got a few sentimental presents being passed down to us. It was a great idea because we mostly got checks and cash and could spend it on whatever we wanted including wedding costs and bought appliances online (way cheaper than anywhere you could register)

Also for invitations we sent the response card out to family members and gave our friends a letter attached asking them to RSVP to an e-mail address we made up. It saved some money.

I was told growing up by my late great-grandmother, that a lady never registers for gifts, that doing so assumes people are unable to pick what to get for you themselves, and it’s rude.

Today I was talking to some friends and family about the wedding, and they asked where I was registered. When I said I wasn’t registered anywhere, that I’d been told it was rude, they insisted that it was rude NOT to, and that not registering meant I wanted cash!

The second issue is a response card in the invitation. I was also told that a response card implied that my guest didn’t know how to respond to an invitation, so it was rude to include one. However, I’ve been told that apparently not including one means I don’t want them to come. I’m not sure what to do.

So, what’s your opinion on these issues?

 

[JackieMom]

Back in the day, you didn’t have a “registry” - but you still went to the department store and picked out china, silverware patterns, etc.

While your grandma was correct for her generation, it’s simply not the case anymore. However, mentioning the registry within the wedding invitation is super tacky. Yes, even if it’s on an enclosure card.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I highly recommend response cards, registering and including your registry information in the invitation.

My wife and I filled out and stuffed our invitations on our own. Somehow we missed putting a response card in my one uncle’s invitation. He took it as a slight against him, even after we explained that it was an honest mistake. He hasn’t gotten over it to this day.

One of my friends chose not to register anywhere with the assumption that it was rude to tell people what to buy them as a gift. As a result, he and his wife got very little for their wedding as many guests assumed that, because they’d lived together for a couple years beforehand, the lack of a registry meant they didn’t need anything.

My cousin didn’t include any mention of his registry in his invitations. He was upset to find that he got fewer gifts than his sister who was married around the same time, and that few of the gifts he did receive were actually from his registry.

 

[robwar]

I was told growing up by my late great-grandmother, that a lady never registers for gifts, that doing so assumes people are unable to pick what to get for you themselves, and it’s rude.

Today I was talking to some friends and family about the wedding, and they asked where I was registered. When I said I wasn’t registered anywhere, that I’d been told it was rude, they insisted that it was rude NOT to, and that not registering meant I wanted cash!

The second issue is a response card in the invitation. I was also told that a response card implied that my guest didn’t know how to respond to an invitation, so it was rude to include one. However, I’ve been told that apparently not including one means I don’t want them to come. I’m not sure what to do.

So, what’s your opinion on these issues?

I’m sorry to say but your great-grandmother is wrong. People register for wedding and shower gifts to let others know what you need, what you want and what to give you so that you won’t end up with 5 of this and 6 of that. A registry also lets people know your colors and style for your new home. I have no idea why someone who is a great has that much influence on you that you won’t have the common sense to register for your wedding. This is not about rudeness but basic common sense which is never out of style or rude.

 

[WD615]

I wouldn’t say that picking a registry would be rude as long as it was mentioned discreetly (like when people asked but not on the wedding invitation or something).

As for the response cards, well, people shouldn’t be offended if one doesn’t come with the invitation. A response card is only there as a courtesy from the wedding party and a guest should respond with or without a response card. I would say most people these days wouldn’t perceive it as rude, but then again most people these days wouldn’t even bother to respond. It’s definitely not rude to not include a response card, and these days it is the better choice since so many people don’t have the tact to respond even when everything’s laid out for them. (You can tell I got on my high horse there for a little bit, but now I’m off lol)

 

[underacloud]

I highly recommend response cards, registering and including your registry information in the invitation.

Yes.

Definitely include a response card. It may alarm you how hard it is to get RSVPs from people, and having a response card they can just tick and send back makes the process easy on everyone. But you will still end up chasing people!

Nothing wrong with including registry information with the invitation. I would not put it on the invitiation itself, but as a separate slip informing them of your registry details if they wish to use it. Some sort of polite wording to indicate that they should not feel obliged to use the registry.

Just make sure you have a good range of stuff on your registry so people who don’t have much money have options (and if people do have much money they have options too!).

 

[gh4]

Without a registry you are going to get a lot of doubles and a lot of things you really don’t want. My kids both used a registry when they got married.

Without a response card, you aren’t going to have any idea who will or who won’t be at your reception or wedding. You will have too much food or too little food. No card and most people won’t bother to let you know if they are coming or not. Heck, even with cards it’s recommended that you buy extra food and drinks.for those who don’t bother with the cards and yet show up and expect to be fed!

Good luck! I agree that things have changed a lot. When I got married in the 70’s the only thing I registered for was my china and my crystal and silver. Now it’s a lot more, but in the end it saves you a lot of returning of things.
Me, I don’t use the registry, I get every new bride a cookbook by Julia Childs. Out of all the gifts that I got as a new bride, I think the cook book that I received is the only thing I have left, including my china and crystal that got lost in a move years ago. And I use that cook book all the time, best gift we got!

 

[takers]

My personal thoughts are to include a response card in your invitation as that will help you determine counts of attendees, but to not include the registry cards in your invite. A way to get around this would be to create a wedding website (www.theknot.com has a great template for this) which just happens to have the stores that you’re registered at listed. You could include a small card (we cut out a square of cardstock that had a simple note of "For additional wedding details please visit out wedding website at www.theknot.com/CouplesNames) with the information on it.

Do know that no matter how hard you try someone is going to be upset about something regarding your wedding. It’s unfortunate, but the way it is I guess when people and feelings are involved. Congrats, btw!

 

[Kelfa28]

For me…a response card is just common sense at the end of the day.

I relied on my response cards so I could get a general head count on who was coming. I kept them in a zip lock bag and waited for them with baited breath…it’s convenient for guests with busy lives.
All they needed to do was check a couple of boxes, pop the card in a pre-addressed and pre-stamped envelope provided for them and drop it in the mail.

How in the world is that considered rude?

We have lives. We are busy! We have work, kids with school, homework and lots of activities, Church, dinner to get on the table, errands to run! If I got a wedding invite and actually needed to figure out a way to properly respond to it, I’d be seriously annoyed. Do I call the person? Send an e-mail? What if it’s for someone I don’t know that well…such as a co-worker of my husband? Am I expected to head out and pick up stationary that no one owns anymore…where would I buy that stuff anyway?
I’d be wasting money on stationary from an expensive craft store that I’d be using exactly once!

The chances of my sending a reply on a ripped out piece of spiral notebook paper, written in whatever writing utensil I could find and stuffed in a business envelope are pretty high.

As for the gift registry. Hubby and I didn’t do a registry or a shower. Our wedding was small and, since we had already been living together (we weren’t Catholic and honestly didn’t know any better) I thought a bridal shower would be presumptuous and VERY rude.

The way I figure it…a registry is a must if you are having a shower. Once again…people are busy and would be very stressed if you had a shower but did not include a registry. Nothing would stress me out more then showing up to a shower and worrying that someone else got the exact same blender that I did.
You’d be getting a ton of cash and gift cards if you did that…and that would result in a fairly disappointing shower!
I highly doubt anyone would be interested in watching you open up your fourth Lowe’s gift card.

Send out a separate bridal shower invite…include the registry…and set up an online RSVP page…lots of wedding and baby shower sites that sell invitations have this feature. It’s convenient for you and convenient for your guests.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

My personal thoughts are to include a response card in your invitation as that will help you determine counts of attendees, but to not include the registry cards in your invite. A way to get around this would be to create a wedding website (www.theknot.com has a great template for this) which just happens to have the stores that you’re registered at listed. You could include a small card (we cut out a square of cardstock that had a simple note of "For additional wedding details please visit out wedding website at www.theknot.com/CouplesNames) with the information on it.

Do know that no matter how hard you try someone is going to be upset about something regarding your wedding. It’s unfortunate, but the way it is I guess when people and feelings are involved. Congrats, btw!

Excellent and very tactful idea, to send a website for further information! Then you are not directly mentioning the gift registry but everyone will know that they can find it on the website. Perfect!

I really think that at times, Miss Manners’ advice is antiquated bordering on silly. One has to adjust to the society one lives in. Having a gift registry is simply practical in this day and age. Actually it would have been an improvement in ANY age. How many stories have we heard about brides ending up with 4 fondue pots?

The response cards DO need to be included. OR, again, have them respond online. You might get even more real responses if people RSVP online.

Great-granny is going to need to get with the times!

 

[1ke]

Nothing wrong with including registry information with the invitation.

Yes there is something wrong with including registry information in your invitations. It is tacky and rude. One should never solicit gifts. And that is what putting a regitry in your invitation does.

 

[Lorelei12]

There is nothing wrong with using response cards, and you will save yourself a lot of trouble if you include them. It is quite socially acceptable and I think most people expect to get them. Be prepared, though, that you will be chasing a lot of people down. What is so hard about writing a number on a card and sticking it in the mail mystifies me, but so many people either lost mine, forgot to send it back, or “thought I’d know they were coming”. And then there are the people who write in extra people. If you expect all of this to happen and know that it happens to lots of brides, you’ll be less upset when it does.But you really should include the response cards.

As for the registry, I had the same issue. I did not want one, mainly because I already had pretty much everything we needed since I had been living on my own for several years. I didn’t see the point in picking out stuff I didn’t even want. Well, some relatives had a fit that I didn’t have one and I was told the same thing you were- that it was rude NOT to have one! You really can’t win when planning a wedding, no matter what you do someone is always critical. I really didn’t want to, but to appease the guests who wanted me to have one I put some sheet sets, some towels, a few appliances, some nice picture frames, some kitchen stuff I didn’t need but would like to have, and picked out a pretty set of dishes. Well, I ended up getting mostly everything for my bridal shower and then people complained that there wasn’t enough left on there! It’s so hard trying to please everyone. I ended up not including the registry in the invitation (it IS tacky) and people who wanted to know if I was registered somewhere either asked me or my mother, and it got passed around. That is what I would suggest.

 

[Kelfa28]

Yes there is something wrong with including registry information in your invitations. It is tacky and rude. One should never solicit gifts. And that is what putting a regitry in your invitation does.

I agree.

If you’re going to have a shower…have a shower and make a totally different invite card for that. You can put registry information in that if you so choose.
Personally, I don’t think it’s tacky to put registry information in a shower invite.
That is the point of the shower anyway…to get you started on home life with your new husband. Guests are expected to bring gifts to this and a registry gives them ideas on where to go and what to bring.
If you want to be a bit more polite…do an online RSVP and mention the registry on that instead.
I did that when I planned my sister’s baby shower. The invites themselves didn’t include registry information…but the webpage I set up to RSVP on did.

It’s a separate event and should be a totally separate invite.

If you’re not planning on having a shower…do not stick registry information in a wedding invite. The guest should be given the option to come to the wedding with a gift or not.

It’s also cheap and a little confusing to stick shower invites in a wedding invitation. My wedding invites were fairly small…and they still had the wedding invite, the reception place and time, directions card, and RSVP card with return envelope.

It’s a bit tacky and overly complicated to also include a shower invite, directions for that and an RSVP card with return envelope.

It’s a separate occasion and, therefore, requires a separate invite.

Besides…I think, traditionally, showers are thrown by either the family or friends of the bride (if I remember my etiquette) and not the bride herself.
So she shouldn’t even be the one planning the shower anyway and, therefore, not sending the invites.

She should only be doing a registry and giving that information to either her girlfriends or family.

 

[garn9173]

I echo other’s with saying if you don’t register for gifts, how in the heck would people know what to get you? This isn’t the 1940’s.

I have a cousin getting married this summer and when they were getting ready to send invites, her and fiance asked on Facebook for addresses and I was serious when I told her that she knew I was coming and I already had the hotel and reception info and to save the postage and cost of an invite and not bother sending me one. Guess what I got in the mail? Yep, an invite.