Wedding Etiquette

[JackieMom]

Yes there is something wrong with including registry information in your invitations. It is tacky and rude. One should never solicit gifts. And that is what putting a regitry in your invitation does.

Ke is right. I am appalled when I see registry info within the invitation enclosures. It immediately cheapens the festivities in my mind. One does not direct others in how to buy a gift for oneself. The only appropriate way to distribute registry information is by word-of-mouth. This means calling the bride’s mom, sister, maid of honor, etc. Practically speaking, a quick online search of the major stores usually reveals this information. Checking Williams-Sonoma, Macy’s, Bed Bath & Beyond and Pottery Barn will usually reveal a hit or two.

 

[PatriceA]

I agree.

If you’re going to have a shower…have a shower and make a totally different invite card for that. You can put registry information in that if you so choose.
Personally, I don’t think it’s tacky to put registry information in a shower invite.
That is the point of the shower anyway…to get you started on home life with your new husband. Guests are expected to bring gifts to this and a registry gives them ideas on where to go and what to bring.
If you want to be a bit more polite…do an online RSVP and mention the registry on that instead.
I did that when I planned my sister’s baby shower. The invites themselves didn’t include registry information…but the webpage I set up to RSVP on did.

It’s a separate event and should be a totally separate invite.

If you’re not planning on having a shower…do not stick registry information in a wedding invite. The guest should be given the option to come to the wedding with a gift or not.

It’s also cheap and a little confusing to stick shower invites in a wedding invitation. My wedding invites were fairly small…and they still had the wedding invite, the reception place and time, directions card, and RSVP card with return envelope.

It’s a bit tacky and overly complicated to also include a shower invite, directions for that and an RSVP card with return envelope.

It’s a separate occasion and, therefore, requires a separate invite.

Besides…I think, traditionally, showers are thrown by either the family or friends of the bride (if I remember my etiquette) and not the bride herself.
So she shouldn’t even be the one planning the shower anyway and, therefore, not sending the invites.

She should only be doing a registry and giving that information to either her girlfriends or family.

This. Best advice so far in this thread.

 

[WD615]

I agree.

If you’re going to have a shower…have a shower and make a totally different invite card for that. You can put registry information in that if you so choose.
Personally, I don’t think it’s tacky to put registry information in a shower invite.
That is the point of the shower anyway…to get you started on home life with your new husband. Guests are expected to bring gifts to this and a registry gives them ideas on where to go and what to bring.
If you want to be a bit more polite…do an online RSVP and mention the registry on that instead.
I did that when I planned my sister’s baby shower. The invites themselves didn’t include registry information…but the webpage I set up to RSVP on did.

It’s a separate event and should be a totally separate invite.

If you’re not planning on having a shower…do not stick registry information in a wedding invite. The guest should be given the option to come to the wedding with a gift or not.

It’s also cheap and a little confusing to stick shower invites in a wedding invitation. My wedding invites were fairly small…and they still had the wedding invite, the reception place and time, directions card, and RSVP card with return envelope.

It’s a bit tacky and overly complicated to also include a shower invite, directions for that and an RSVP card with return envelope.

It’s a separate occasion and, therefore, requires a separate invite.

Besides…I think, traditionally, showers are thrown by either the family or friends of the bride (if I remember my etiquette) and not the bride herself.
So she shouldn’t even be the one planning the shower anyway and, therefore, not sending the invites.

She should only be doing a registry and giving that information to either her girlfriends or family.

Go with this.

A registry wouldn’t be too bad because it’s just as if somebody wanted to know what you want and instead of you having to think about it or your mother having to think about it you had it written down. Now, I do think someone should be asking the mother of the bride or somebody else close rather than out and out “Hey what should I get ya?” Cause that’s always awkward at least to me. That’s what I always do on gift-giving occasions anyway. Although I am a man so I’ve never been on *that * end of the wedding party.

 

[PatriceA]

It also should be noted the registry is just a “suggestion”, your guests will not be forced to pick from your list and only your list. They can use your registry if they choose, or they can give you something entirely different or even cash if they still wish. You won’t get everything on your registry list.

Selecting our registry list was quite fun for us, my husband felt included in our wedding preparations because lets face it, many of the wedding preparations don’t include the groom and seem to favor only the bride. You have the chance to create your joint household and tastes while giving some direction to your guests.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

It also should be noted the registry is just a “suggestion”, your guests will not be forced to pick from your list and only your list. They can use your registry if they choose, or they can give you something entirely different or even cash if they still wish. You won’t get everything on your registry list.

Selecting our registry list was quite fun for us, my husband felt included in our wedding preparations because lets face it, many of the wedding preparations don’t include the groom and seem to favor only the bride. You have the chance to create your joint household and tastes while giving some direction to your guests.

And, I would hope that some things like household TOOLS might be included as well, not just cooking stuff and dishes. I say, give 'em a BIG list to pick from! I do not view this as greed. As a wedding guest, it is disappointing to go to a registry online and find that all of the gifts that I would have wanted to send have already been selected. A couple should pick many things from the middle of the cost line, a few more expensive things, and some lower-cost things. Household tools might be something that would be very helpful and could be bought a la carte by even younger members of a family.

 

[Kelfa28]

As for the registry, I had the same issue. I did not want one, mainly because I already had pretty much everything we needed since I had been living on my own for several years. I didn’t see the point in picking out stuff I didn’t even want. Well, some relatives had a fit that I didn’t have one and I was told the same thing you were- that it was rude NOT to have one! You really can’t win when planning a wedding, no matter what you do someone is always critical.

Ain’t that the truth!

We had a small wedding that we paid for ourselves…yet we still had a ton of criticism from every single direction.

At the end of the day…I just put my foot down and started telling everyone no. Politely at first and then with a little more earnest.

No registry, no shower, no rehearsal dinner (that I ended up caving on a little with the bridal party itself…we did a quick rehearsal and hubby and I brought everyone out for pizza and beer after), and WE made the final decisions on food, location, time, place, table settings (plain white sheets…no center pieces and no assigned seating) and who was getting invitations. I couldn’t give a darn about what people would try to say. Opinions are nice…but I disregarded just about all of them.
Hubby and I footed the bill to the wedding ourselves (we had a little bit of help with the down payment for holding the reception hall…and that was it!) And you know what…everyone had a great time! What a surprise!

This is probably my biggest pet peeve when it comes to weddings. It’s your wedding. Unless someone else is paying for it in it’s entirety…then you make the call on what you want. I repeat…it’s YOUR wedding…not your parents, in-laws, grandparents, friends, obscure relatives wedding…YOUR wedding.

 

[mandajane]

I guess the next question is this - how do I ask for (name removed by moderator)ut on wedding related things? I am always open to suggestions and have been warned by numerous websites that everyone should have an opinion on what I should do, so not to bother asking.

I learned this morning, that apparently my FMIL had been HORRIBLY offended that I hadn’t asked her opinion on the wedding yet. Nevermind the fact that I’ve talked to her about what we were looking at numerous times. But apparently because I didn’t ask, I’m horribly rude? I think you’re right that I can’t win no matter what.

 

[newf]

I guess the next question is this - how do I ask for (name removed by moderator)ut on wedding related things? I am always open to suggestions and have been warned by numerous websites that everyone should have an opinion on what I should do, so not to bother asking.

I learned this morning, that apparently my FMIL had been HORRIBLY offended that I hadn’t asked her opinion on the wedding yet. Nevermind the fact that I’ve talked to her about what we were looking at numerous times. But apparently because I didn’t ask, I’m horribly rude? I think you’re right that I can’t win no matter what.

Who is paying for your wedding? FMIL? If so, then she has a need to know some information. If not, then she needs to wear beige and keep her mouth shut

 

[Lorelei12]

I guess the next question is this - how do I ask for (name removed by moderator)ut on wedding related things? I am always open to suggestions and have been warned by numerous websites that everyone should have an opinion on what I should do, so not to bother asking.

I learned this morning, that apparently my FMIL had been HORRIBLY offended that I hadn’t asked her opinion on the wedding yet. Nevermind the fact that I’ve talked to her about what we were looking at numerous times. But apparently because I didn’t ask, I’m horribly rude? I think you’re right that I can’t win no matter what.

If you’re paying for the whole thing yourself, the only opinions you need are the opinions you solicit yourself. Like, if you’re having trouble deciding on a veil, and you want an opinion. Or you want someone to taste some cake with you. Otherwise, asking people what they think opens up a whole new level of stress.

What does your FMIL have an opinion about? The reception, the flowers, the food? If she is paying for part of anything, then I suppose she isn’t out of line to express an opinion about whatever part of the wedding she is paying for. But you shouldn’t have to ask her permission for every little thing either. Maybe try to include her in whatever part she is helping with, if she is paying for something. If she’s not, I wouldn’t be inclined to ask her opinion either.

 

[mandajane]

When we got engaged, she said she’d help with the wedding funding, then last minute pulled out of helping and said “Oh no we can’t help you.” So FH and I were paying for it ourselves. When we went to look at a new reception venue (since the lack of assistance meant we couldn’t afford our first choice), she came with us, and suddenly could afford to help us again.

Every time I’ve tried to go look at Venues, meet with vendors, and talk with the priest about non-personal topics, I’ve invited her to come along, but she rarely does. I feel like I’m supposed to guess about everything with her. Blah.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

My mother also had simliar thoughts about MANY wedding things coming up to our wedding. I actually didn’t register anywhere either because I find the current way they are done more to be “gimme lists” and I hate them. I did sit down and make a list of suggested dish pattern for serving pieces to match my good dishes (my pattern is discontinued), chose a silverware pattern and a list of other suggested items we could use and some guidelines as to colour scheme. I gave this list to my mother and his mother.

There were so many things that I just didn’t care about that people were in a fuss about. What we did care about was the MASS. Andre and I spent hours choosing readings and music. We knew that some of guests this might be the only time in their life they might darken the doors of a church, so our wedding must be a witness to what we are and what we believe. A year and a half later, I still get compliments on how nice our wedding was from guests. Some were even impressed that the curling club where the reception was held was the home club of an Olympic gold medalist, but that’s another story.

 

[newf]

When we got engaged, she said she’d help with the wedding funding, then last minute pulled out of helping and said “Oh no we can’t help you.” So FH and I were paying for it ourselves. When we went to look at a new reception venue (since the lack of assistance meant we couldn’t afford our first choice), she came with us, and suddenly could afford to help us again.

Every time I’ve tried to go look at Venues, meet with vendors, and talk with the priest about non-personal topics, I’ve invited her to come along, but she rarely does. I feel like I’m supposed to guess about everything with her. Blah.

This woman spells TROUBLE. Do not accept any money from her. Let her know you got it covered, thank you very much. And do not invite her to come along for anything, either.

Just have a wedding that you and your FH can afford. It will be so much less stress. And then you get to make all the choices.

Do not try to please your FMIL. This is impossible. Any interactions with her should be with your FH present. And in the future, all interactions should go through your FH. Let him be the one to make plans with her. If she calls your cell, do not pick up. Just let FH call her back. You would be wise to step back from this and let him handle his mother.

If FH is afraid to deal with his mom, I suggest you do not marry him. You need a strong man not a mama’s boy.

 

[Lorelei12]

When we got engaged, she said she’d help with the wedding funding, then last minute pulled out of helping and said “Oh no we can’t help you.” So FH and I were paying for it ourselves. When we went to look at a new reception venue (since the lack of assistance meant we couldn’t afford our first choice), she came with us, and suddenly could afford to help us again.

Every time I’ve tried to go look at Venues, meet with vendors, and talk with the priest about non-personal topics, I’ve invited her to come along, but she rarely does. I feel like I’m supposed to guess about everything with her. Blah.

I guess how you deal with her depends on whether you have decided to accept her “new” offer to help. If you are accepting money from her, then she gets a say. If you decided she’s too flaky to rely on and to take care of things yourselves, I would not feel obligated to ask for her opinion about anything.

 

[PatriceA]

I guess how you deal with her depends on whether you have decided to accept her “new” offer to help. If you are accepting money from her, then she gets a say. If you decided she’s too flaky to rely on and to take care of things yourselves, I would not feel obligated to ask for her opinion about anything.

I think what stands out for me though is that she withdrew her offer to help financially and then saw the new venue and all of a sudden she can help again. Seems very passive aggressive to me and a bit of a red flag that she may be difficult in other areas as well, not just in the wedding planning. Did she not like the decisions made when she withdrew the money? If that’s the case, why not just say so? If its because they looked at their financial situation again and realized they can help, then make the offer to help BEFORE seeing a venue or being asked to be involved in other decisions. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have a say or be involved, but her timing and the way she’s gone about offering and not offering to help would be very troubling to me.

 

[Lorelei12]

I think what stands out for me though is that she withdrew her offer to help financially and then saw the new venue and all of a sudden she can help again. Seems very passive aggressive to me and a bit of a red flag that she may be difficult in other areas as well, not just in the wedding planning. Did she not like the decisions made when she withdrew the money? If that’s the case, why not just say so? If its because they looked at their financial situation again and realized they can help, then make the offer to help BEFORE seeing a venue or being asked to be involved in other decisions. I’m not saying she shouldn’t have a say or be involved, but her timing and the way she’s gone about offering and not offering to help would be very troubling to me.

Oh I agree. I think I would have said “thanks but no thanks” to her second offer, since she appears unreliable and a bit manipulative even. I don’t know whether the OP plans to accept her financial assistance after that, but if they do then I think whoever pays gets a say, flaky or not. If they’d rather not deal with her, they should choose to pay for everything.

 

[mandajane]

My FH and I are not expecting her to help. Everything we are choosing is within our budget, and if she gives us money, awesome, but I am not relying on her for it. I’m trying to be nice, and invite her to come look at vendors and talk to me about it, because I don’t want her to turn around and complain to everyone within 100 miles about how I froze her out of the wedding planning process.

 

[newf]

My FH and I are not expecting her to help. Everything we are choosing is within our budget, and if she gives us money, awesome, but I am not relying on her for it. I’m trying to be nice, and invite her to come look at vendors and talk to me about it, because I don’t want her to turn around and complain to everyone within 100 miles about how I froze her out of the wedding planning process.

Whoa, you think she would turn around and complain to everyone within 100 miles about you freezing her out?? Do you not see that this won’t stop with the wedding?

You are trying to be nice, but she is a snake and you can’t be nice to snakes because they bite. You will be left with many wounds dealing with this woman. I think you should register for a first aid kit…

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Whoa, you think she would turn around and complain to everyone within 100 miles about you freezing her out?? Do you not see that this won’t stop with the wedding?

You are trying to be nice, but she is a snake and you can’t be nice to snakes because they bite. You will be left with many wounds dealing with this woman. I think you should register for a first aid kit…

Her FH is going to need a pair of tin snips to cut the umbilical cord…

 

[Xantippe]

“I’m trying to be nice, and invite her to come look at vendors and talk to me about it, because I don’t want her to turn around and complain to everyone within 100 miles about how I froze her out of the wedding planning process.”

Traditionally in the US, the groom’s parents don’t really have any responsibilities other than throwing a rehearsal dinner and showing up. There’s a lot to be said for that approach.

 

[Lorelei12]

My FH and I are not expecting her to help. Everything we are choosing is within our budget, and if she gives us money, awesome, but I am not relying on her for it. I’m trying to be nice, and invite her to come look at vendors and talk to me about it, because I don’t want her to turn around and complain to everyone within 100 miles about how I froze her out of the wedding planning process.

It sounds like you are handling everything well, and even going above and beyond by including her. If she gets offended about ridiculous things, especially with how nice you’ve been to her, that’s on her. She does sound very passive-aggressive, so I imagine this won’t be the last of this behavior from her. Best of luck planning your wedding, and I hope things go as smoothly as possible for you!