Wedding Etiquette

[Lorelei12]

Traditionally in the US, the groom’s parents don’t really have any responsibilities other than throwing a rehearsal dinner and showing up. There’s a lot to be said for that approach.

YES. Goodness, I had enough people complaining about my wedding, I guess I am lucky my mother in law wasn’t one of them.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

“I’m trying to be nice, and invite her to come look at vendors and talk to me about it, because I don’t want her to turn around and complain to everyone within 100 miles about how I froze her out of the wedding planning process.”

Traditionally in the US, the groom’s parents don’t really have any responsibilities other than throwing a rehearsal dinner and showing up. There’s a lot to be said for that approach.

Well, also renting the groom’s tux, and maybe helping out with the best man’s tux if necessary. Some parents of the groom also pick up the limo tab, but it’s not required nor traditional.

 

[mandajane]

I am aware of what’s traditional, but my FH and I are paying for everything (including the rehearsal dinner). My mother can’t afford to, as my stepfather has been unemployed for the past 6 years, and their savings is gone. My father isn’t around, so it’s just my FH and I. My FH’s family said they would help originally because their family is humongous, and they “knew how much of a financial burden it would be.” We all saw how that turned out.

Anyway, my mother is actually super hands off about the wedding planning process. A week after I got engaged she was calling me apologizing that she couldn’t help financially, but offering work type help (addressing envelopes, picking up deliveries, fielding phone calls, etc) and she was in tears the whole time.

As far as my FH, he is working very hard on establishing boundaries, and has been doing a great job, as evidenced by all the backlash he’s been getting. It’s all very stressful, but I think (hope) it will be ok.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I am aware of what’s traditional, but my FH and I are paying for everything (including the rehearsal dinner). My mother can’t afford to, as my stepfather has been unemployed for the past 6 years, and their savings is gone. My father isn’t around, so it’s just my FH and I. My FH’s family said they would help originally because their family is humongous, and they “knew how much of a financial burden it would be.” We all saw how that turned out.

Anyway, my mother is actually super hands off about the wedding planning process. A week after I got engaged she was calling me apologizing that she couldn’t help financially, but offering work type help (addressing envelopes, picking up deliveries, fielding phone calls, etc) and she was in tears the whole time.

As far as my FH, he is working very hard on establishing boundaries, and has been doing a great job, as evidenced by all the backlash he’s been getting. It’s all very stressful, but I think (hope) it will be ok.

Oh, yeahhhhh…Now I remember your other thread about how your MIL promised to help you pay for the reception, then took it back. I didn’t know she’d waggled her wallet at you again! :tsktsk:

The woman is not to be trusted, as we stated in your other thread. Just do what makes sense for you and the rest of the guests.

 

[dixieagle]

Yes there is something wrong with including registry information in your invitations. It is tacky and rude. One should never solicit gifts. And that is what putting a regitry in your invitation does.

Ditto.

That’s why I love “theknot.com”. Virtually every couple we know who has married in the last several years has had a wedding website, or at least a link to their wedding registries. That way the information is out there for those who wish it, without doing anything so tacky as including any reference to gifts with the invitation.

 

[PatriceA]

Well, also renting the groom’s tux, and maybe helping out with the best man’s tux if necessary. Some parents of the groom also pick up the limo tab, but it’s not required nor traditional.

In some areas, the alcohol as well.

 

[dixieagle]

Ain’t that the truth!

We had a small wedding that we paid for ourselves…yet we still had a ton of criticism from every single direction.

At the end of the day…I just put my foot down and started telling everyone no. Politely at first and then with a little more earnest.

No registry, no shower, no rehearsal dinner (that I ended up caving on a little with the bridal party itself…we did a quick rehearsal and hubby and I brought everyone out for pizza and beer after), and WE made the final decisions on food, location, time, place, table settings (plain white sheets…no center pieces and no assigned seating) and who was getting invitations. I couldn’t give a darn about what people would try to say. Opinions are nice…but I disregarded just about all of them.
Hubby and I footed the bill to the wedding ourselves (we had a little bit of help with the down payment for holding the reception hall…and that was it!) And you know what…everyone had a great time! What a surprise!

This is probably my biggest pet peeve when it comes to weddings. It’s your wedding. Unless someone else is paying for it in it’s entirety…then you make the call on what you want. I repeat…it’s YOUR wedding…not your parents, in-laws, grandparents, friends, obscure relatives wedding…YOUR wedding.

The only thing I’d quibble with is the rehearsal dinner; that is a time-honored way to let everyone relax a bit before the big day, for the families to get better acquainted with each other (if they don’t already know each other), and - most importantly, I think - as a vehicle by which to show your thanks to your wedding party, etc. Relaxed and informal is best, for this, but that’s my opinion.

 

[dixieagle]

Well, also renting the groom’s tux, and maybe helping out with the best man’s tux if necessary. Some parents of the groom also pick up the limo tab, but it’s not required nor traditional.

Here it is traditional for the groom’s family to pay for the bride’s bouquet, going-away corsage (if there is one) flowers for the mothers and grandmothers, and boutonnieres for the groom and groomsmen.

 

[dixieagle]

I am aware of what’s traditional, but my FH and I are paying for everything (including the rehearsal dinner). My mother can’t afford to, as my stepfather has been unemployed for the past 6 years, and their savings is gone. My father isn’t around, so it’s just my FH and I. My FH’s family said they would help originally because their family is humongous, and they “knew how much of a financial burden it would be.” We all saw how that turned out.

Anyway, my mother is actually super hands off about the wedding planning process. A week after I got engaged she was calling me apologizing that she couldn’t help financially, but offering work type help (addressing envelopes, picking up deliveries, fielding phone calls, etc) and she was in tears the whole time.

As far as my FH, he is working very hard on establishing boundaries, and has been doing a great job, as evidenced by all the backlash he’s been getting. It’s all very stressful, but I think (hope) it will be ok.

Sounds like you have a great mom! The things she is offering to do are incredibly helpful!

 

[Kelfa28]

The only thing I’d quibble with is the rehearsal dinner; that is a time-honored way to let everyone relax a bit before the big day, for the families to get better acquainted with each other (if they don’t already know each other), and - most importantly, I think - as a vehicle by which to show your thanks to your wedding party, etc. Relaxed and informal is best, for this, but that’s my opinion.

Normally, I’d agree with you…but hubby’s family isn’t exactly the easiest to deal with at the end of the day.
His parents had a bad divorce and his father is an alcoholic.
We weren’t about to touch that issue with a ten foot pole.
So an intimate dinner…regardless of how informal…was out of the question.
It was one thing we knew we didn’t want to do. Like I said…we took our friends out…who were in the bridal party as a thank-you. We went to a low-key place and had fun.

No one questioned it…I don’t know if anyone wanted to question it…but by that point, everyone knew exactly where I stood on wedding plans. My way or the highway.

 

[underacloud]

Yes there is something wrong with including registry information in your invitations. It is tacky and rude. One should never solicit gifts. And that is what putting a regitry in your invitation does.

Feel free to disagree, but I’d prefer a more tactful reply.

Many sources indicate that putting a slip with registry information, and/or shower information, with the invite is acceptable. Not on the invite itself, but sent out with it, along with an RSVP card. People are more than capable of tactfully wording such a slip. And leaving it to word of mouth is hardly a foolproof plan.

Wedding ettiquette is not a closed book and customs evolve. Perhaps the customs are a little different where we each are? That’s OK, and the OP should consider things with regard to their own context and local customs and ettiquette.

 

[dixieagle]

Normally, I’d agree with you…but hubby’s family isn’t exactly the easiest to deal with at the end of the day.
His parents had a bad divorce and his father is an alcoholic.
We weren’t about to touch that issue with a ten foot pole.
So an intimate dinner…regardless of how informal…was out of the question.
It was one thing we knew we didn’t want to do. Like I said…we took our friends out…who were in the bridal party as a thank-you. We went to a low-key place and had fun.

No one questioned it…I don’t know if anyone wanted to question it…but by that point, everyone knew exactly where I stood on wedding plans. My way or the highway.

Going out for pizza was likely a good idea, given the situation.

 

[Kelfa28]

Feel free to disagree, but I’d prefer a more tactful reply.

Many sources indicate that putting a slip with registry information, and/or shower information, with the invite is acceptable. Not on the invite itself, but sent out with it, along with an RSVP card. People are more than capable of tactfully wording such a slip. And leaving it to word of mouth is hardly a foolproof plan.

Wedding ettiquette is not a closed book and customs evolve. Perhaps the customs are a little different where we each are? That’s OK, and the OP should consider things with regard to their own context and local customs and ettiquette.

You are right…wedding etiquette has certainly evolved over the years.

I dunno…to me there are certain things that just scream greed. Planning your own Bridal Shower is one of them.

I’ve never been to a shower…baby or bridal…which the mom-to-be or the bride-to-be planned herself.
You’re just hunting for free stuff. There is nothing wrong with helping out the hosts…such as theme ideas you like, providing an invite list, some (name removed by moderator)ut on when and where and, of course, doing a registry…but, I believe it should be an event that the family or friends of the bride want to host.

My sister planned my baby shower and then I planned hers.

I put together everything…booked the hall, sent out invites, bought and put up all of the decorations, cooked up a storm for the pot luck lunch and even made hubby count out M&Ms for the guess jar while I microwaved candy bars in diapers…
I loved that I got a chance to celebrate my first chance at being an aunt by throwing a big party for my sister and her husband!
It was fun!

Her only job…as the guest of honor…was to finalize the invite list and do a registry.

That is what it’s supposed to be…right? A bride isn’t the host of her shower…she is, in fact, the guest of honor.

This is why I’m totally against putting shower invites into a wedding invitation. You’re basically saying: “come to my party…but only if you bring me stuff…and here is where you need to buy me this stuff!”

 

[underacloud]

You are right…wedding etiquette has certainly evolved over the years.

I dunno…to me there are certain things that just scream greed. Planning your own Bridal Shower is one of them.

I’ve never been to a shower…baby or bridal…which the mom-to-be or the bride-to-be planned herself.
You’re just hunting for free stuff. There is nothing wrong with helping out the hosts…such as theme ideas you like, providing an invite list, some (name removed by moderator)ut on when and where and, of course, doing a registry…but, I believe it should be an event that the family or friends of the bride want to host.

My sister planned my baby shower and then I planned hers.

I put together everything…booked the hall, sent out invites, bought and put up all of the decorations, cooked up a storm for the pot luck lunch and even made hubby count out M&Ms for the guess jar while I microwaved candy bars in diapers…
I loved that I got a chance to celebrate my first chance at being an aunt by throwing a big party for my sister and her husband!
It was fun!

Her only job…as the guest of honor…was to finalize the invite list and do a registry.

That is what it’s supposed to be…right? A bride isn’t the host of her shower…she is, in fact, the guest of honor.

This is why I’m totally against putting shower invites into a wedding invitation. You’re basically saying: “come to my party…but only if you bring me stuff…and here is where you need to buy me this stuff!”

Yes, I think that’s all fair.

But aren’t most (or at least many) wedding invitations actually sent by the parents, rather than the couple themselves? So the couple isn’t directly doing the inviting anyway. And thus the couple are not asking for presents, but the parents acknowledge that guests will generally offer a gift and this provides a convenient way to do so.

I dunno. It’s a complicated area and I see pros and cons either way. I always appreciate receiving registry information with the invite - it saves a lot of stress about what to get them. And I much prefer to get them something I know they want, than having a guess and pontentially buying something they’ll never use or hate having in their house.

I personally hate being asked for cash. I find that tacky. But others may disagree with me on this. I’ve been asked to contribute to honeymoon costs, which is less tacky, but still not my preference.

It’s a tricky area with (clearly) different opinions being expressed.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I dunno…to me there are certain things that just scream greed. Planning your own Bridal Shower is one of them.

My sister planned my baby shower and then I planned hers.

The whole shell game of who actually plans the shower strikes me as a bit silly. If everyone knows you’re going to have a shower, I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal who sends out the invites or gives (name removed by moderator)ut on which games are played. There are exceptions, of course. My cousin’s wife planned each of her baby showers after the first, included links to her registries in the invites and included wording that indicated that nobody was to deviate from the registry, unless they went with clothing, but then only if they bought brand names and only from particular stores. That struck me as greedy and tacky.

underacloud:

Many sources indicate that putting a slip with registry information, and/or shower information, with the invite is acceptable. Not on the invite itself, but sent out with it, along with an RSVP card. People are more than capable of tactfully wording such a slip. And leaving it to word of mouth is hardly a foolproof plan.

Something I’ve seen the last couple years is people including the shower invite, registry information and RSVP cards along with the wedding invitation. It’s not that they’re being tacky or begging for gifts, but are instead trying to save a few dollars on stationary and postage. For his daughter’s wedding, one friend sent out engagement announcements, save the date announcements, separate bridal shower and bachelor party invitations, wedding invitations, thank you cards from the shower then separate thank you cards for attending the wedding, with a picture of the new bride & groom printed on the card (oddly enough, not in their wedding garb but in casual clothing from a photo shoot taken later). He told me that he spent nearly $4000 on just the mailings, which is more than we spent on our entire wedding. Another friend printed everything on his own, invited just as many people and spent just under $250. Considering most of them are going to end up in the garbage anyway, I can’t see spending so much extra.

 

[RedSparklyShoes]

I agree.

If you’re going to have a shower…have a shower and make a totally different invite card for that. You can put registry information in that if you so choose.
Personally, I don’t think it’s tacky to put registry information in a shower invite.

A shower should be thrown by your friends of family. Other than me being told when they were, I had NOTHING to do with the invitations to the showers I had.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

For his daughter’s wedding, one friend sent out engagement announcements, save the date announcements, separate bridal shower and bachelor party invitations, wedding invitations, thank you cards from the shower then separate thank you cards for attending the wedding, with a picture of the new bride & groom printed on the card (oddly enough, not in their wedding garb but in casual clothing from a photo shoot taken later). He told me that he spent nearly $4000 on just the mailings, which is more than we spent on our entire wedding. Another friend printed everything on his own, invited just as many people and spent just under $250. Considering most of them are going to end up in the garbage anyway, I can’t see spending so much extra.

My goodness, what did he put all of that in? A 9 x 12 BOX??? Sheesh. Put it up on FB and call it done!

 

[Kelfa28]

A shower should be thrown by your friends of family. Other than me being told when they were, I had NOTHING to do with the invitations to the showers I had.

Yes, I agree.

I wrote about that in detail in the next couple of posts.

 

[Kelfa28]

My goodness, what did he put all of that in? A 9 x 12 BOX??? Sheesh. Put it up on FB and call it done!

Mine were considered on the small side…and it was still a larger then normal size envelope.

I printed up the directions to both the Church and where we were having the reception myself. The restaurant we had it at was only a couple of miles down the road on the same street.

I think we spent a couple hundred on everything for the invites and I put them together myself.

It gets really complicated and expensive when you pre-print stickers for not just the return address but all the addresses you will be sending them to. Not to mention a lot of companies offer to stuff the envelopes themselves. That costs money too.
Plus postage, plus “save the date” cards…I didn’t quite understand those…but people send those out all over the place. Then thank-you cards and, well, everything else.

You can customize everything…and a lot of couples are doing engagement photos and including those.

It’s insane…Gordon Sims friend managed to spend more on just invites then I did for my entire wedding!

 

[jilly4ski]

I had all my aunts calling my mother asking what china pattern I had registered for. Geesh, then I had to go out and register for a china pattern, which had hasn’t made it onto the table in almost 5 years of marriage, it is still in the original boxes. (But there is always that dreamy someday, when I don’t have destructive toddlers…). It was insisted that I register because that is what my aunts wanted to give us. (I have 8 aunts on my maternal side of the family).