Wedding Etiquette

[Aggie414]

I personally love the wedding/baby registries. So many people are getting married a little older in life – meaning, they’ve usually been working, have set up their own houses; and it’s nice to be able to get them something they really want or need. As far as babies, I have NO idea what parents need for babies so it’s nice to not have to guess

I think as long as it’s politely phrased in the shower invitations (not the wedding) and that the bride/mom does not expect a gift from the registry, it’s a great option. I had a friend who had an online registry from several different stores – I don’t remember the site. She was the very traditional bride – both she and fiance lived with their parents and were truly setting up house and needed everything. She had everything from every day dishes to food storage to really expensive items. A wide range of choices for her guests to choose from. I loved it!!!

 

[PatriceA]

I had all my aunts calling my mother asking what china pattern I had registered for. Geesh, then I had to go out and register for a china pattern, which had hasn’t made it onto the table in almost 5 years of marriage, it is still in the original boxes. (But there is always that dreamy someday, when I don’t have destructive toddlers…). It was insisted that I register because that is what my aunts wanted to give us. (I have 8 aunts on my maternal side of the family).

Families and their ideas for gifts for weddings are really “unique”. My MIL bought us 16 sets of wine glasses. My husband’s grandmother insisted we needed a crystal punch bowel with all the crystal glasses (think something you’d see on Downton Abbey), never used it. Its absolutely beautiful, no doubt, but we don’t entertain on that level. Somehow all those wine glasses just don’t fit into the scheme of things when we have our cookouts with our friends in the backyard.

I too registered for a china pattern and have never used the items we received.

Our situation though was a bit different as I was going to be a brand new military wife and I didn’t really want what was highly “suggested” that I needed to include on my registry. There was no way we were going to be able to ship all that china with us when we had to move. My husband’s family never quite grasped that concept having always lived in the same area their whole lives. Most of the stuff we got as gifts from his side of the family had to go into storage and stayed there for five years until we moved back to our home state.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Feel free to disagree, but I’d prefer a more tactful reply.

Many sources indicate that putting a slip with registry information, and/or shower information, with the invite is acceptable. Not on the invite itself, but sent out with it, along with an RSVP card. People are more than capable of tactfully wording such a slip. And leaving it to word of mouth is hardly a foolproof plan.

Wedding ettiquette is not a closed book and customs evolve. Perhaps the customs are a little different where we each are? That’s OK, and the OP should consider things with regard to their own context and local customs and ettiquette.

I don’t think Ke’s reply lacked tact; it was brief. And it was correct.

Etiquette does evolve so that things like new technology can be addressed, but there needs to be a standard for what is considered correct. If it’s constantly evolving, no one will know what the right thing to do is. Ultimately etiquette is there to people from doing things that are thoughtless or tacky thus hurting or offending someone.

I like Miss Manner’s approach. Her wisdom is flawless, timeless, she is kind to the reader and I think she’s perfectly funny.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Mine were considered on the small side…and it was still a larger then normal size envelope.

I printed up the directions to both the Church and where we were having the reception myself. The restaurant we had it at was only a couple of miles down the road on the same street.

I think we spent a couple hundred on everything for the invites and I put them together myself.

It gets really complicated and expensive when you pre-print stickers for not just the return address but all the addresses you will be sending them to. Not to mention a lot of companies offer to stuff the envelopes themselves. That costs money too.
Plus postage, plus “save the date” cards…I didn’t quite understand those…but people send those out all over the place. Then thank-you cards and, well, everything else.

You can customize everything…and a lot of couples are doing engagement photos and including those.

It’s insane…Gordon Sims friend managed to spend more on just invites then I did for my entire wedding!

All I can say is…I’m REALLY GLAD I only had boys!!!

:extrahappy::dancing::yup:

 

[Gordon_Sims]

My goodness, what did he put all of that in? A 9 x 12 BOX??? Sheesh. Put it up on FB and call it done!

I’ll have to keep that in mind for my daughters, lol. This guy had six different mailings, each one going to at least 250 addresses, so he spent over $600 just on stamps. Our caterer cost less than that. It didn’t help that the first person his daughter talked to after getting engaged was her wedding planner, which is a profession I’m certain was invented by Satan himself. She had a long, detailed schedule of everything she “had to” do. She’s his only daughter so he didn’t veto anything. We got an engagement announcement but didn’t make the cut for an invite. I heard the whole thing was pretty impressive, if not a lot of fun. My parents went and said the reception was very structured, with a multi-course meal and a long string of toasts, thank yous and dedications. They left pretty late and the only dancing that had gone on were the bride & groom and the dances with their parents. I never got a total tally of how much he spent, but the few things he mentioned to me came out to over $25k. I think we spent less than $1500, didn’t have to charge anything, had a lot of fun and still somehow managed to be married afterward.

 

[underacloud]

I don’t think Ke’s reply lacked tact; it was brief. And it was correct.

Etiquette does evolve so that things like new technology can be addressed, but there needs to be a standard for what is considered correct. If it’s constantly evolving, no one will know what the right thing to do is. Ultimately etiquette is there to people from doing things that are thoughtless or tacky thus hurting or offending someone.
I like Miss Manner’s approach. Her wisdom is flawless, timeless, she is kind to the reader and I think she’s perfectly funny.

Right…and I thought Ke’s reply was terse and dismissive, and thereby (somewhat) offended me. So, I think a bit more “etiquette” could have been employed.

You see, we all have different ideas about etiquette, when it comes to the specifics. With regard to a topic where there are clearly divergent opinions, and it is not a closed case, I think opinions can be discussed and debated on their merits in a more polite manner. I recognise that tone and intent are not conveyed well, so I may have been overly sensitive. Nonetheless, my opinion on the topic has not changed.

I’m sorry, I don’t know who Miss Manners is. I’m not American (assuming she is an American etiquette commentator/writer?).

 

[Kelfa28]

I’ll have to keep that in mind for my daughters, lol. This guy had six different mailings, each one going to at least 250 addresses, so he spent over $600 just on stamps. Our caterer cost less than that. It didn’t help that the first person his daughter talked to after getting engaged was her wedding planner, which is a profession I’m certain was invented by Satan himself. She had a long, detailed schedule of everything she “had to” do. She’s his only daughter so he didn’t veto anything. We got an engagement announcement but didn’t make the cut for an invite. I heard the whole thing was pretty impressive, if not a lot of fun. My parents went and said the reception was very structured, with a multi-course meal and a long string of toasts, thank yous and dedications. They left pretty late and the only dancing that had gone on were the bride & groom and the dances with their parents. I never got a total tally of how much he spent, but the few things he mentioned to me came out to over $25k. I think we spent less than $1500, didn’t have to charge anything, had a lot of fun and still somehow managed to be married afterward.

Unbelievable.

My wedding cost $4,000 and our wedding was an absolute blast…everyone was up and dancing and everyone had a great time! The food was buffet style and delicious and we had a two things we knew every party guest would enjoy…a restaurant that had a function room with a fantastic bar and a balcony with the BEST view of the atlantic ocean in town.

It was one of the reasons we didn’t do centerpieces or decorations…no one was going to care when we knew everyone was just going to go get a drink and then head outside to enjoy the view and the weather. So why waste money?

We didn’t hire a wedding planner and the first thing we did was talk to the priest…get scheduled for our meetings with him and get the Church scheduled.

Then we got the restaurant booked.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’ll have to keep that in mind for my daughters, lol. This guy had six different mailings, each one going to at least 250 addresses, so he spent over $600 just on stamps. Our caterer cost less than that. It didn’t help that the first person his daughter talked to after getting engaged was her wedding planner, which is a profession I’m certain was invented by Satan himself. She had a long, detailed schedule of everything she “had to” do. She’s his only daughter so he didn’t veto anything. We got an engagement announcement but didn’t make the cut for an invite. I heard the whole thing was pretty impressive, if not a lot of fun. My parents went and said the reception was very structured, with a multi-course meal and a long string of toasts, thank yous and dedications. They left pretty late and the only dancing that had gone on were the bride & groom and the dances with their parents. I never got a total tally of how much he spent, but the few things he mentioned to me came out to over $25k. I think we spent less than $1500, didn’t have to charge anything, had a lot of fun and still somehow managed to be married afterward.

Must be a fun job, spending other people’s money. I guess if all the Congressional positions are filled, one can always go into wedding planning.

Since we got married by a judge originally, and in the chapel the 2nd time, I think we take the prize for “cheapest wedding(s).” Essentially -0-. We did pay the priest a stipend for the 2nd ceremony, but the judge wasn’t allowed to take a tip. 2 weddings…maybe $100 total? Of course no receptions either time. We’re still married.

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

Must be a fun job, spending other people’s money. I guess if all the Congressional positions are filled, one can always go into wedding planning.

LOL

 

[PatriceA]

I don’t think we have to bash wedding planners, some are really good at their jobs and very much needed in some cases. I don’t know what I would have done without the planner I used with everything that was going on in my life (parent with heart problems) and planning a wedding that was in a different diocese to accommodate my husband’s grandparents. Its not the wedding planners fault that some people think spending gads of money on a wedding is necessary. Those types of people would spend the money regardless, wedding planner or no wedding planner. My wedding was modest, but I still needed a planner to help with the decisions.

 

[JackieMom]

I don’t think we have to bash wedding planners, some are really good at their jobs and very much needed in some cases. I don’t know what I would have done without the planner I used with everything that was going on in my life (parent with heart problems) and planning a wedding that was in a different diocese to accommodate my husband’s grandparents. Its not the wedding planners fault that some people think spending gads of money on a wedding is necessary. Those types of people would spend the money regardless, wedding planner or no wedding planner. My wedding was modest, but I still needed a planner to help with the decisions.

I had a wonderful wedding planner. We had a big wedding and it probably cost about $35,000 14 years ago. My sisters had the same. My parents wanted to throw that kind of event, and took pride in putting on a fabulous event for our loved ones. It was totally their gift and their choice. And that required the help of a professional. It’s not hard to spend that kind of money, and nothing we did was over the top (no ice scuptures, no swans!). A reception at a nice venue (ours was a country club) is going to cost 70-90 dollars a plate in our area. If you have only 150 guests, thats $12,000 right there not counting alcohol which is usually another 7 or 8 thousand. With the photography, florist, DJ, cake, invitations and stationery, and incidentals - it’s easy to spend over $30,000. I don’t get why people like to bash big weddings or compete for how cheaply theirs was thrown. Each couple has a unique situation and preferences. In our family, nice big weddings are just expected. And it helps to have help coordinating all that. Our planner ran the timeline of the day like clockwork and made sure everyone was where they needed to be when they needed to be there. It was $1,500 well spent.

 

[jilly4ski]

I had a wonderful wedding planner. We had a big wedding and it probably cost about $35,000 14 years ago. My sisters had the same. My parents wanted to throw that kind of event, and took pride in putting on a fabulous event for our loved ones. It was totally their gift and their choice. And that required the help of a professional. It’s not hard to spend that kind of money, and nothing we did was over the top (no ice scuptures, no swans!). A reception at a nice venue (ours was a country club) is going to cost 70-90 dollars a plate in our area. If you have only 150 guests, thats $12,000 right there not counting alcohol which is usually another 7 or 8 thousand. With the photography, florist, DJ, cake, invitations and stationery, and incidentals - it’s easy to spend over $30,000. I don’t get why people like to bash big weddings or compete for how cheaply theirs was thrown. Each couple has a unique situation and preferences. In our family, nice big weddings are just expected. And it helps to have help coordinating all that. Our planner ran the timeline of the day like clockwork and made sure everyone was where they needed to be when they needed to be there. It was $1,500 well spent.

Mostly because that is a lot of money for one day. Most people don’t have the means to drop a year of college or a down payment on a small house on a one day event. So it is good to know that one can throw and nice, elegant wedding without spending that much.

Yes for those that have that kind of money, they indeed have the option to spend that much, but most people, even those without several daughters or children do not.

My family too, expects a big party where all of the relatives are invited, for me that was 150 guests, though not that many showed up. But I was able to do this at a nice venue with free* beer, but a cash bar, a nice designer dress, plenty of good food, great music at the wedding, a DJ, pictures, and a cake for about $5000. I understand that there is some variation on that depending on geographical areas, but $35,000 is way past the norm, for what is needed for a big wedding with nice and elegant accoutrements.

*free as in we paid for the beer and our guests could get it for free.

 

[JackieMom]

Mostly because that is a lot of money for one day. Most people don’t have the means to drop a year of college or a down payment on a small house on a one day event. So it is good to know that one can throw and nice, elegant wedding without spending that much.

Yes for those that have that kind of money, they indeed have the option to spend that much, but most people, even those without several daughters or children do not.

My family too, expects a big party where all of the relatives are invited, for me that was 150 guests, though not that many showed up. But I was able to do this at a nice venue with free* beer, but a cash bar, a nice designer dress, plenty of good food, great music at the wedding, a DJ, pictures, and a cake for about $5000. I understand that there is some variation on that depending on geographical areas, but $35,000 is way past the norm, for what is needed for a big wedding with nice and elegant accoutrements.

*free as in we paid for the beer and our guests could get it for free.

Actually, the average wedding in 2012 cost over $28,000 - so it’s not far from the norm at all. You can do something lovely on a smaller budget, sure, but why criticize families that put on something more costly if it’s within their budget and what they want to do?

 

[Morwenna]

Mostly because that is a lot of money for one day. Most people don’t have the means to drop a year of college or a down payment on a small house on a one day event. So it is good to know that one can throw and nice, elegant wedding without spending that much.

I’m with you, Jilly. I can’t see going into $25k (or more) debt. If people are well-to-do and have the money on hand, without going into debt, more power to them.

For the rest of us … I saw this VERY interesting post on TheKnot.com (emphasis mine):

If you want to save money, my biggest tip is just take the word “wedding” off of things… Ask a reception hall how much it costs for a banquet for a family get together. You’ll see the rates drop considerably. I went from $80-$100 per plate for a wedding reception (before tax and gratuity) to $44 per plate AFTER tax and gratuity. Also, getting married in an off-season month helps. We are getting discounts on DJs and Photographers for getting married at the end of August. We are also making our own invitations. You can buy a 50 pack of pocket invitation at Target for $40, then just print your own. They will cost us a total of $100 (plus stamps), when some people pay $350+ for invitations. I agree, always hire a professional photographer, because most people regret it if they don’t. And remember if you get the DVD of all your pictures, you can make your own wedding albums!

Thread here: wedding.theknot.com/wedding-planning/wedding-budget/qa/what-does-the-average-wedding-cost.aspx?MsdVisit=1

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’m sure there are plenty of wonderful, well-meaning wedding planners out there. The couples I know who have used them have mostly been happy with theirs, even if they rankled and upset the parents and lots of the guests. The feedback I’ve gotten from the people who actually paid the bills were that they were bullied, harassed and told they “had to” have–at risk of ruining the wedding and their daughters’ lives–the $4000 antipasto table, the wandering violinists you couldn’t even hear over the music being played by the DJ (they still expected tips, though), the separate table of cakes and petit fors (which led to most guests not eating the huge, multi-layer, several thousand dollar wedding cake, complete with its own chocolate sauce fountain) and the rose petals covering every single table in the hall (great for allergies and making the dance floor nearly unusable). It was thanks to one wedding planner who didn’t believe anyone under 18 should ever be allowed at a wedding that we were seated in a separate room from the rest of the guests, with all the others who’d committed similar familial violations, at one family wedding. Another insisted that, for an early spring wedding, everyone be seated along the outskirts of the outdoor tent (had to have room for the dance floor) instead of inside the completely unused hall they’d rented out. It was very windy and raining that day and there weren’t enough kerosene heaters to go around so everyone other than the wedding party was cold and wet (the wedding party was just wet). I know one guy who blew his entire budget for his oldest daughter’s wedding, then most of his savings to cover what the wedding account didn’t, then was told he had to spend even more on his other daughter (the baby of the family) so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt. He’s 62 and working two jobs so he can pay off that one and rebuild his retirement. So while I’m sure there are some great wedding planners out there, if any of my daughters ever insist on using one, they’ll be free to do so, as long as they pay for everything on their own.

 

[PatriceA]

I’m sure there are plenty of wonderful, well-meaning wedding planners out there. The couples I know who have used them have mostly been happy with theirs, even if they rankled and upset the parents and lots of the guests. The feedback I’ve gotten from the people who actually paid the bills were that they were bullied, harassed and told they “had to” have–at risk of ruining the wedding and their daughters’ lives–the $4000 antipasto table, the wandering violinists you couldn’t even hear over the music being played by the DJ (they still expected tips, though), the separate table of cakes and petit fors (which led to most guests not eating the huge, multi-layer, several thousand dollar wedding cake, complete with its own chocolate sauce fountain) and the rose petals covering every single table in the hall (great for allergies and making the dance floor nearly unusable). It was thanks to one wedding planner who didn’t believe anyone under 18 should ever be allowed at a wedding that we were seated in a separate room from the rest of the guests, with all the others who’d committed similar familial violations, at one family wedding. Another insisted that, for an early spring wedding, everyone be seated along the outskirts of the outdoor tent (had to have room for the dance floor) instead of inside the completely unused hall they’d rented out. It was very windy and raining that day and there weren’t enough kerosene heaters to go around so everyone other than the wedding party was cold and wet (the wedding party was just wet). I know one guy who blew his entire budget for his oldest daughter’s wedding, then most of his savings to cover what the wedding account didn’t, then was told he had to spend even more on his other daughter (the baby of the family) so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt. He’s 62 and working two jobs so he can pay off that one and rebuild his retirement. So while I’m sure there are some great wedding planners out there, if any of my daughters ever insist on using one, they’ll be free to do so, as long as they pay for everything on their own.

I just think we shouldn’t bash a whole job category due to a few bad apples. I would hope we’re better than than as a Catholic message board. I’ve run into a few bad priests in my lifetime, does that mean I should avoid all priests?

As far as wedding expenses go, I’ve been to weddings that were great and ones that were horrible. And the expenses were all across the board. I get a little annoyed as well when someone on here mentions how much they spent on their wedding and they are practically scolded or shamed for how much they spent on their wedding. I’d rather hear about how people planned their ceremony and their memories from the day and totally leave out how little or how much they spent for the occasion.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I just think we shouldn’t bash a whole job category due to a few bad apples. I would hope we’re better than than as a Catholic message board. I’ve run into a few bad priests in my lifetime, does that mean I should avoid all priests?

As far as wedding expenses go, I’ve been to weddings that were great and ones that were horrible. And the expenses were all across the board. I get a little annoyed as well when someone on here mentions how much they spent on their wedding and they are practically scolded or shamed for how much they spent on their wedding. I’d rather hear about how people planned their ceremony and their memories from the day and totally leave out how little or how much they spent for the occasion.

You’re right; the actions of a few shouldn’t condemn the whole lot. The only experience I’ve had with them is to get people (some of whom truly can’t afford it) to spend outrageous sums of money on frivolous items that don’t add to what should be a wonderful experience. My wife and I honestly could have used some more help on the planning end simply because some of the parties involved were more concerned with getting their way and making the day about themselves than doing anything we wanted.

As far as mentioning costs goes, my main point is that you can have a wonderful reception and meaningful wedding without breaking the bank. A lot of our costs were deferred by the fact that we relied on friends, favors and dealt with small, local companies, some of which gave us deals or discounts because us or other family members were friends with the owners or managers. Most people we know have at least a couple fun, positive memories about our wedding. One friend spent nearly $30k on her wedding only to have it end in divorce less than a year later. My wife has a cousin who allegedly spent upwards of $60k on her wedding. The only thing anyone remembers is the drunken groomsmen who got in a fight and threw up on one another. I’m not saying that wouldn’t have happened if she’d spent a fraction of what she did, but at least then it would have cost a lot less for her to have to spend half her wedding night dealing with police and an angry reception hall manager.

 

[Bruised_Reed]

Right…and I thought Ke’s reply was terse and dismissive, and thereby (somewhat) offended me. So, I think a bit more “etiquette” could have been employed.

You see, we all have different ideas about etiquette, when it comes to the specifics. With regard to a topic where there are clearly divergent opinions, and it is not a closed case, I think opinions can be discussed and debated on their merits in a more polite manner. I recognise that tone and intent are not conveyed well, so I may have been overly sensitive. Nonetheless, my opinion on the topic has not changed.

I’m sorry, I don’t know who Miss Manners is. I’m not American (assuming she is an American etiquette commentator/writer?).

What rule of etiquette did she break? Her reply was short and to the point; how was it dismissive?

I think the rules etiquette are like the rubrics of the Mass or teachings from the Catechism. A lot of Catholics don’t know the what the Church teaches, suddently find out that contraception or female priests still aren’t allowed and come to to CAF and ask about it. They are given straight-forward answers then get upset (and say the replies are rude or attacking).

And you are right; it is hard to convey the tone and attitude on the internet. I haven’t read anything recent by Miss Manners but I hope she covers texting and Facebook interactions at some point. One should be able to give a short, simple answer on the internet without it being characterised as “terse.”

You might think Miss Manners is terse when I think she is hilarious:

Dear Miss Manners: What is the correct way to walk in high heels?
Gentle Reader: Right. Left. Right. Left.

And the rules of etiquette only slightly faster than the Church’s rules. And for good reason.

 

[JackieMom]

I’m sure there are plenty of wonderful, well-meaning wedding planners out there. The couples I know who have used them have mostly been happy with theirs, even if they rankled and upset the parents and lots of the guests. The feedback I’ve gotten from the people who actually paid the bills were that they were bullied, harassed and told they “had to” have–at risk of ruining the wedding and their daughters’ lives–the $4000 antipasto table, the wandering violinists you couldn’t even hear over the music being played by the DJ (they still expected tips, though), the separate table of cakes and petit fors (which led to most guests not eating the huge, multi-layer, several thousand dollar wedding cake, complete with its own chocolate sauce fountain) and the rose petals covering every single table in the hall (great for allergies and making the dance floor nearly unusable). It was thanks to one wedding planner who didn’t believe anyone under 18 should ever be allowed at a wedding that we were seated in a separate room from the rest of the guests, with all the others who’d committed similar familial violations, at one family wedding. Another insisted that, for an early spring wedding, everyone be seated along the outskirts of the outdoor tent (had to have room for the dance floor) instead of inside the completely unused hall they’d rented out. It was very windy and raining that day and there weren’t enough kerosene heaters to go around so everyone other than the wedding party was cold and wet (the wedding party was just wet). I know one guy who blew his entire budget for his oldest daughter’s wedding, then most of his savings to cover what the wedding account didn’t, then was told he had to spend even more on his other daughter (the baby of the family) so her feelings wouldn’t be hurt. He’s 62 and working two jobs so he can pay off that one and rebuild his retirement. So while I’m sure there are some great wedding planners out there, if any of my daughters ever insist on using one, they’ll be free to do so, as long as they pay for everything on their own.

That is crazy. I’ve been involved with planning lots of weddings and know lots of planners. They always ask what your budget is and work within that. They are specialists at making the event tasteful, comfortable and smooth-running. They don’t impose their own ideas (they do make suggestions or try to steer couples away from poor choices), and basically get work via word of mouth. If they are rude and outrageous, they don’t get jobs. Our wedding planner was our advocate - she used her professional relationships to get us better deals on the vendors we needed, and she obtained multiple quotes and price-shopped when appropriate. I was working at the time and could not have done that. That is how every wedding coordinator I know works. Whether your budget is $10,000 or $100,000, they help to make your event the best it can be for the money. It is SUPER stressful to find, interview, hire, coordinate, pay, handle multiple calls from etc. all the vendors you need at a wedding. Not something the bride or her mother necessarily wants to be stressing over the day prior to the wedding. The flowers are wrong, the cake doesn’t show up, the cantor has strep throat, the limo breaks down, the bride’s veil tears, a bridesmaid breaks her heel… The coordinator handles it all!

 

[Allegra]

It’s not rude to have a registry.The purpose of the registry is so the store has a record of what china pattern, glassware, silverware, and color towels you want. Obviously, this is useful information when a guest wants to help purchase a part of the matching set. Unless your late-grandmother had a huge trustfund and she was planning on buying a whole set of china as a wedding gift, I think she’s giving you misguided information. On the other hand, I think there is something to be said for not putting everything and it’s brother on your registry. Especially if it does’t have anything to do with your matching sets. However, the lovely folks at Bed Bath and Beyond will tell you otherwise.

Meanwhile, if you don’t include response cards in the invitations, you’re going to get most your responses on the phone and email or not at all. (Which make it harder to keep track of.) I don’t see an agrument for how providing a postage paid response card for the guest’s convenience could be recieved as rude.