Wedding Etiquette

[Gordon_Sims]

That is crazy. I’ve been involved with planning lots of weddings and know lots of planners. They always ask what your budget is and work within that. They are specialists at making the event tasteful, comfortable and smooth-running. They don’t impose their own ideas (they do make suggestions or try to steer couples away from poor choices), and basically get work via word of mouth. If they are rude and outrageous, they don’t get jobs. Our wedding planner was our advocate - she used her professional relationships to get us better deals on the vendors we needed, and she obtained multiple quotes and price-shopped when appropriate. I was working at the time and could not have done that. That is how every wedding coordinator I know works. Whether your budget is $10,000 or $100,000, they help to make your event the best it can be for the money. It is SUPER stressful to find, interview, hire, coordinate, pay, handle multiple calls from etc. all the vendors you need at a wedding. Not something the bride or her mother necessarily wants to be stressing over the day prior to the wedding. The flowers are wrong, the cake doesn’t show up, the cantor has strep throat, the limo breaks down, the bride’s veil tears, a bridesmaid breaks her heel… The coordinator handles it all!

I will concede that the brides in these situations are likely part of why the planner felt free to steer things in the direction they did…and that’s probably the most charitable way I can phrase that.

 

[PatriceA]

I will concede that the brides in these situations are likely part of why the planner felt free to steer things in the direction they did…and that’s probably the most charitable way I can phrase that.

I think the issue I always have when this subject comes up is people never seem to talk about all the crazy stuff that happen at weddings (like drunk groomsmen or divorces a year later) and say “but they were so frugal on their wedding expenses”. Its always “but they spent an insane amount of money” on the wedding. It always seems to go hand in hand. I don’t get it.

 

[underacloud]

What rule of etiquette did she break? Her reply was short and to the point; how was it dismissive?

I think the rules etiquette are like the rubrics of the Mass or teachings from the Catechism. A lot of Catholics don’t know the what the Church teaches, suddently find out that contraception or female priests still aren’t allowed and come to to CAF and ask about it. They are given straight-forward answers then get upset (and say the replies are rude or attacking).

And you are right; it is hard to convey the tone and attitude on the internet. I haven’t read anything recent by Miss Manners but I hope she covers texting and Facebook interactions at some point. One should be able to give a short, simple answer on the internet without it being characterised as “terse.”

You might think Miss Manners is terse when I think she is hilarious:

And the rules of etiquette only slightly faster than the Church’s rules. And for good reason.

Ah but “rules” of etiquette are not similar to teachings of the Church, because there is no etiquette magisterium to rely on to definitively solve the matter.

I found Ke’s response terse,or short if you like; etiquette might be to be more polite about the manner in which one disagrees with another’s opinion. I found Ke’s response dismissive, as it was not expressed as a mere opinion (which it is) but as a rebuke, as though I am a brute who does not know better. It “dismissed” my opinion as wrong…which it may be…but the etiquette of conversation would require another approach. It remains a point of debate and that is not how one enters a polite debate. In my opinion…

As for Miss Manners…I’ve read of few of her columns now. She strikes me as snide and sarcastic; not someone I want to take etiquette lessons from. But like I said, there’s no etiquette magisterium so there is no single authority was can rely on to resolve such matters.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I think the issue I always have when this subject comes up is people never seem to talk about all the crazy stuff that happen at weddings (like drunk groomsmen or divorces a year later) and say “but they were so frugal on their wedding expenses”. Its always “but they spent an insane amount of money” on the wedding. It always seems to go hand in hand. I don’t get it.

Maybe because the ones being frugal can’t afford an open bar, lol. I could tell some nightmare stories about our wedding, including a couple from the reception, but none of it comes close to stuff that happened at the more lavish weddings I’ve been to, and none of it was bad enough that just about anyone other than me remembers it. A big part does have to do with the guest list. A good word of advice is not to invite both the one bridesmaid’s current boyfriend and her ex who twice got thrown out of his court-ordered anger management classes. Also, if you know that several of your guests are either alcoholics in denial or relapsed recovering alcoholics, maybe an open bar really isn’t the best idea. And if there’s any indication that the best man is going to take the opportunity of giving the toast to run through his list of grievances against the entire family and then profess his undying love for the bride, you might want to think about demoting him to groomsman or limit him to soft drinks. Sure, none of that was directly tied to the final bill, but for the life of me I can only think of one really frugal wedding where anything really bad happened, and that was mostly because one side of the family started drinking the day before and didn’t stop until they passed out at the reception.

 

[PatriceA]

Maybe because the ones being frugal can’t afford an open bar, lol. I could tell some nightmare stories about our wedding, including a couple from the reception, but none of it comes close to stuff that happened at the more lavish weddings I’ve been to, and none of it was bad enough that just about anyone other than me remembers it. A big part does have to do with the guest list. A good word of advice is not to invite both the one bridesmaid’s current boyfriend and her ex who twice got thrown out of his court-ordered anger management classes. Also, if you know that several of your guests are either alcoholics in denial or relapsed recovering alcoholics, maybe an open bar really isn’t the best idea. And if there’s any indication that the best man is going to take the opportunity of giving the toast to run through his list of grievances against the entire family and then profess his undying love for the bride, you might want to think about demoting him to groomsman or limit him to soft drinks. Sure, none of that was directly tied to the final bill, but for the life of me I can only think of one really frugal wedding where anything really bad happened, and that was mostly because one side of the family started drinking the day before and didn’t stop until they passed out at the reception.

I’ve been to weddings thought that there wasn’t an open bar and the guests just order a keg and have it set outside the venue. Never underestimate wedding guests that want to get 'their drink on."

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I’ve been to weddings thought that there wasn’t an open bar and the guests just order a keg and have it set outside the venue. Never underestimate wedding guests that want to get 'their drink on."

The only reason we had as much alcohol at our wedding as we did was to thwart the efforts of the family members (ones we couldn’t un-invite) who said they were going to bring their own or not show up if we didn’t provide more.

 

[JackieMom]

The only reason we had as much alcohol at our wedding as we did was to thwart the efforts of the family members (ones we couldn’t un-invite) who said they were going to bring their own or not show up if we didn’t provide more.

We had a full open bar at our wedding, and only one person became sloppy drunk. And, surprise - It was the wedding coordinator who noted his condition and obnoxious behavior and gave him a ride home early ; )

 

[mandajane]

Crazy drunk behavior is something I’m worried about at my wedding. We have an open bar because both families are heavy into drinking (though mostly beer and wine). However, when drunk, FMIL gets weepy, FFIL starts racist ranting, my mother starts cursing violently, my brother starts fights, and my aunt becomes very “flirtatious”. We talked about not having an open bar, but our new reception venue (60$ pp after taxes & fees), includes 4 hours of open bar.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Crazy drunk behavior is something I’m worried about at my wedding. We have an open bar because both families are heavy into drinking (though mostly beer and wine). However, when drunk, FMIL gets weepy, FFIL starts racist ranting, my mother starts cursing violently, my brother starts fights, and my aunt becomes very “flirtatious”. We talked about not having an open bar, but our new reception venue (60$ pp after taxes & fees), includes 4 hours of open bar.

For very similar reasons, at our wedding we only wanted a limited amount of beer and some champagne for the wedding party. We didn’t want the added expense or the other problems that went with it. Certain people in both families found out and everything hit the fan. We finally agreed to more to appease everyone, and since we were making the final choices we were still able to limit things. As a result, we had less beer than we’d planned, a very limited selection of hard liquor and maybe a bottle or two of wine more than we needed for the toast. We ran out of wine very early, and beer toward the end. There was a little liquor left so the people who wanted liquor got what they wanted and didn’t complain. Only two people got really drunk, but the main problem we had with them is that they needed early rides home. If I had it to do over again I’d probably go with a dry reception and stick to my guns when people complained.

 

[PatriceA]

Crazy drunk behavior is something I’m worried about at my wedding. We have an open bar because both families are heavy into drinking (though mostly beer and wine). However, when drunk, FMIL gets weepy, FFIL starts racist ranting, my mother starts cursing violently, my brother starts fights, and my aunt becomes very “flirtatious”. We talked about not having an open bar, but our new reception venue (60$ pp after taxes & fees), includes 4 hours of open bar.

I’d bring my concerns then to the venue and discuss it with the bartender. Having an open bar doesn’t have to mean everyone can drink as much as they want within those four hours. A good bartender can still monitor how much each individual person is drinking and discretely intervene if necessary. When we had our open bar, it was also for 4 hours, but it wasn’t a continuous 4 hours. The bar was shut down during dinner and when we did the bridal dance. That gave some people a chance to cool their heals so to speak and they didn’t get as drunk as if the bar had been open the whole reception.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Crazy drunk behavior is something I’m worried about at my wedding. We have an open bar because both families are heavy into drinking (though mostly beer and wine). However, when drunk, FMIL gets weepy, FFIL starts racist ranting, my mother starts cursing violently, my brother starts fights, and my aunt becomes very “flirtatious”. We talked about not having an open bar, but our new reception venue (60$ pp after taxes & fees), includes 4 hours of open bar.

This is a valid concern, especially since there have been successful court cases prosecuted against the venue where a drunk consumed his last alcohol before going out in a car and killing innocent people. I would make sure that the venue understands that they are responsible for the amount that guests are drinking and should police this accordingly.

By the way, beer and wine are no different from any other kinds of alcohol. Sometimes the drinker has to consume more to become as inebriated, but this varies amongst the alcoholics. Someone who drinks too much beer and wine is still as alcoholic as someone who only drinks bourbon, or martinis, or manhattans. It’s all the same addiction.

I would not have an open bar with that family history, frankly, but I’d also realize that they will sneak their own booze in or drink outside in the car if they have to.