Wedding ettitqute vent

[ComputerGeek25]

Hi all

I just have to vent for a minute and have a stupid question.

My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks.

We are having a small wedding - under 100 or so people invited, including all of my aunts and uncles and cousins who are all out of town.

Unfortunately, many of the cousins and a aunt/uncle are not coming and/or have not sent their RSVP. Most of them live 4-5 hours at most and could easily car pool with each other, stay together, etc. to save expenses.

I wouldn’t consider them “close” emotionally, but my fiance and I have attended all of their out-of-town weddings over the years as well as many other events. If we could not visit, we made sure to send a nice gift or check. Also, since my parents were able to retire early, they have been able (and more willing!) to go visit them on a more regular basis as well.

The sad part is that my cousin and his wife, who are PHd students in the mid-west are coming - and we are not even that close (we did attend their wedding last year). Yet, people who are a lot closer couldn’t be bothered.

The fiance have given up some of the nicer things in life the last 8 months so that we could invite more people and have a nice even for them. The cats have eaten better than us!

Lastly, several of the people who were giving us a hard time about not being married yet are the ones not coming or haven’t sent RSVPs.

Now that it’s “my turn” - am I wrong to feel bad? Or should I just shut up and take it? I just feel like if it was some other cousins in the family, they would go out of their way to make it.

 

[1ke]

I think that people in many cases already have commitments. I was disappointed that some of my friends were unable to attend, but that’s just the way it is. It may seem like they are not making the effort, but we never really know what may be going on with them that they have chosen not to share.

So, be charitable and cast it in the best light possible and don’t assume.

Focus on those who will be there, enjoy those guests and each other-- and don’t worry about the rest.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I’m not sure where your question on etiquette is here. Etiquette does demand that people return RSVPs, that I’ll give you. However, an invitation is not a subpoena and it is perfectly polite to decline, even without stating a reason.

 

[ComputerGeek25]

I’m not sure where your question on etiquette is here. Etiquette does demand that people return RSVPs, that I’ll give you. However, an invitation is not a subpoena and it is perfectly polite to decline, even without stating a reason.

I understand people may decline, that’s a given.

I just feel like if it was almost anyone else in the family, they would bend over backwards and show up. I think there is a bit of a double standard.

 

[PaulGH]

I agree with the advice from 1ke and BlueEyedLady.

Also, you said, “If we could not visit, we made sure to send a nice gift or check.” Are you assuming that your out-of-town relatives won’t send a gift or a check? If they do send a gift or a check, will you feel better about them not coming?

 

[coachdennis]

Hi all

I just have to vent for a minute and have a stupid question.

My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks.

We are having a small wedding - under 100 or so people invited, including all of my aunts and uncles and cousins who are all out of town.

Unfortunately, many of the cousins and a aunt/uncle are not coming and/or have not sent their RSVP. Most of them live 4-5 hours at most and could easily car pool with each other, stay together, etc. to save expenses.

I wouldn’t consider them “close” emotionally, but my fiance and I have attended all of their out-of-town weddings over the years as well as many other events. If we could not visit, we made sure to send a nice gift or check. Also, since my parents were able to retire early, they have been able (and more willing!) to go visit them on a more regular basis as well.

The sad part is that my cousin and his wife, who are PHd students in the mid-west are coming - and we are not even that close (we did attend their wedding last year). Yet, people who are a lot closer couldn’t be bothered.

The fiance have given up some of the nicer things in life the last 8 months so that we could invite more people and have a nice even for them. The cats have eaten better than us!

Lastly, several of the people who were giving us a hard time about not being married yet are the ones not coming or haven’t sent RSVPs.

Now that it’s “my turn” - am I wrong to feel bad? Or should I just shut up and take it? I just feel like if it was some other cousins in the family, they would go out of their way to make it.

Sorry to be blunt, but

Yeah, it perfectly normal to feel bad… and yeah, you should just shut up and take it. (using your words)

An invitation is just that, an invitation. It means they have the option to refuse – but they SHOULD send the reply guard. But once the reply arrives with a “no”, you are not entitled to an explanation for the reason for the “no”.

Concentrate on those who WILL be there

 

[Gullveig]

I can understand why you would feel bad. People don’t always think about those things and sometimes they can be hurtful without realizing it. Like others have said, though, don’t let them get to you. If they don’t come or don’t make an effort to at least let you know one way or the other and wish you well, then would you really want them there to begin with? Just concentrate on you and your fiance’s special day and enjoy yourselves. Maybe downsize the wedding a bit if you can and spend that extra money on setting up housekeeping together.

 

[KP3243]

Hi all

I just have to vent for a minute and have a stupid question.

My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks.

We are having a small wedding - under 100 or so people invited, including all of my aunts and uncles and cousins who are all out of town.

Unfortunately, many of the cousins and a aunt/uncle are not coming and/or have not sent their RSVP. Most of them live 4-5 hours at most and could easily car pool with each other, stay together, etc. to save expenses.

I wouldn’t consider them “close” emotionally, but my fiance and I have attended all of their out-of-town weddings over the years as well as many other events. If we could not visit, we made sure to send a nice gift or check. Also, since my parents were able to retire early, they have been able (and more willing!) to go visit them on a more regular basis as well.

The sad part is that my cousin and his wife, who are PHd students in the mid-west are coming - and we are not even that close (we did attend their wedding last year). Yet, people who are a lot closer couldn’t be bothered.

The fiance have given up some of the nicer things in life the last 8 months so that we could invite more people and have a nice even for them. The cats have eaten better than us!

Lastly, several of the people who were giving us a hard time about not being married yet are the ones not coming or haven’t sent RSVPs.

Now that it’s “my turn” - am I wrong to feel bad? Or should I just shut up and take it? I just feel like if it was some other cousins in the family, they would go out of their way to make it.

This is the newest trend, people wait until the last minute just in case something better comes up for them to do. I held my best friend’s a bridal shower last summer and seriously a week before the shower I didn’t have responses from some of her cousins that were really close to her and then the day of her shower like 10 people who RSVP’ed didn’t show up. ITS ANNOYING!

 

[Rau]

This is the newest trend, people wait until the last minute just in case something better comes up for them to do. I held my best friend’s a bridal shower last summer and seriously a week before the shower I didn’t have responses from some of her cousins that were really close to her and then the day of her shower like 10 people who RSVP’ed didn’t show up. ITS ANNOYING!

Far worse than merely “annoying”! I would feel compelled to call those no-shows and ask after their well-being.

 

[ela2]

Hi there,

Not replying to RSVP is impolite and thoughtless. Not attending the wedding is better than having people in the wedding who would rather be somewhere else (but attended because they had to) as their bored, thoughtless behaviour can really ruin the atmosphere and you would end up running around trying to please them or wondering what you did wrong. This is what happened to me.

Enjoy the company of those that do come and those that do not … well… they will miss a beautiful event.

God bless you!

 

[KrazyKat]

Hi all

I just have to vent for a minute and have a stupid question.

My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks.

We are having a small wedding - under 100 or so people invited, including all of my aunts and uncles and cousins who are all out of town.

Unfortunately, many of the cousins and a aunt/uncle are not coming and/or have not sent their RSVP. Most of them live 4-5 hours at most and could easily car pool with each other, stay together, etc. to save expenses.

I wouldn’t consider them “close” emotionally, but my fiance and I have attended all of their out-of-town weddings over the years as well as many other events. If we could not visit, we made sure to send a nice gift or check. Also, since my parents were able to retire early, they have been able (and more willing!) to go visit them on a more regular basis as well.

The sad part is that my cousin and his wife, who are PHd students in the mid-west are coming - and we are not even that close (we did attend their wedding last year). Yet, people who are a lot closer couldn’t be bothered.

The fiance have given up some of the nicer things in life the last 8 months so that we could invite more people and have a nice even for them. The cats have eaten better than us!

Lastly, several of the people who were giving us a hard time about not being married yet are the ones not coming or haven’t sent RSVPs.

Now that it’s “my turn” - am I wrong to feel bad? Or should I just shut up and take it? I just feel like if it was some other cousins in the family, they would go out of their way to make it.

I would not worry about the ones who do not come, remember, it is their loss. I thought you only RSVPed if you were going to attend. Maybe that is what they think, too !

 

[newf]

I would not worry about the ones who do not come, remember, it is their loss. I thought you only RSVPed if you were going to attend. Maybe that is what they think, too !

Just a side note…RSVP stands for the French words that mean “Respond Please”.

That means “please tell us if you ARE coming” or “please tell us if you ARE NOT coming”.

Either way, you let the person having the wedding know your plans. That way they can make the proper preparations.

Also, most invitations say ‘please respond by Sept. 4’ or whatever date they choose. It is proper to pay attention to the date and respond on time. Once again, it lets the hosts know how many people to include.

 

[MJJean]

I would not worry about the ones who do not come, remember, it is their loss. I thought you only RSVPed if you were going to attend. Maybe that is what they think, too !

Usually, the RSVP cards have a check yes or no type thing on them. If you check yes, there is a space to write in how many will be attending. Some even have options like yes for wedding and reception, no for wedding and yes for reception or just no for not attending either.

A lot of people make 2 wedding guest lists due to budget concerns or limited space at the church. The first list is the A list. Usually very close friends and family members. The second list is the B list. Usually more distant family members and not so close friends, but people you’d still like to include if you had more $$ or more space. Once the A list has RSVP’d and the couple knows how many are coming, the couple can send invites out to the favorites off the B list. So, yes, not RSVP’ing is very rude.

I second the idea of having a bridesmaid or maid/matron of honor call and ask those who did not RSVP if they will be attending. Have her say something like “Hello, this is Roberta. I am helping to organize Mr Jones and Ms. Smith’s wedding. I was tasked with taking care of the RSVP’s and I noticed you haven’t responded yet. I was wondering if you would be able to attend?” At least that way you’d know. Its possible the family members didn’t think it necessary to RSVP since they’re family.

 

[nodito]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! I agree that it is rude and frustrating to not receive all the RSVPs; it makes planning complicated.

That said, I personally wouldn’t be upset that cousins I am not close to are not making an effort to attend. If you’re not that close, why would it bother you if they don’t show? And normally you only pay per head, so they are actually saving you money by declining the invitation (if they are, in fact, declining). Do as a PP suggested, have a friend call them to confirm (if it’s past the RSVP date) and then focus on the people who will be there to witness the beautiful sacrament you are about to enjoy!

 

[KrazyKat]

Just a side note…RSVP stands for the French words that mean “Respond Please”.

That means “please tell us if you ARE coming” or “please tell us if you ARE NOT coming”.

Either way, you let the person having the wedding know your plans. That way they can make the proper preparations.

Also, most invitations say ‘please respond by Sept. 4’ or whatever date they choose. It is proper to pay attention to the date and respond on time. Once again, it lets the hosts know how many people to include.

Thank you. Now I know. !

 

[KendraDZ1902]

I would either call or email those who have not RSVP’d. I had to do that for my wedding. I was polite and told them that we needed a final head count for food and it would be great if they could let us know, since they missed the first deadline that was on the RSVP. Other than that, there isn’t much you can do. You can’t twist someone’s arm to come to your wedding or to give you a gift. Etiquette would say that you should send a gift if you are invited, but a lot of people don’t know or don’t care. I try to assume the best of people so I would tell myself, “bless their hearts they don’t know,” but that’s just me.

 

[1ke]

I just feel like if it was almost anyone else in the family, they would bend over backwards and show up.

This isn’t about them, this seems to be about you and some self-doubts you have. This is how you feel, this is not necessarily reality.

I think there is a bit of a double standard.

You’ve told yourself a story. Try to deal in facts.

 

[1ke]

I would either call or email those who have not RSVP’d. I had to do that for my wedding. I was polite and told them that we needed a final head count for food and it would be great if they could let us know, since they missed the first deadline that was on the RSVP.

You know, when one of my friends got married, some of her invitations never arrived-- like at least 10-- and she didn’t find out until she followed up on RSVPs that those people had never gotten an invitation.

And how many of those little response cards disappear at the USPS every year?

 

[Lorelei12]

Hi all

I just have to vent for a minute and have a stupid question.

My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks.

We are having a small wedding - under 100 or so people invited, including all of my aunts and uncles and cousins who are all out of town.

Unfortunately, many of the cousins and a aunt/uncle are not coming and/or have not sent their RSVP. Most of them live 4-5 hours at most and could easily car pool with each other, stay together, etc. to save expenses.

I wouldn’t consider them “close” emotionally, but my fiance and I have attended all of their out-of-town weddings over the years as well as many other events. If we could not visit, we made sure to send a nice gift or check. Also, since my parents were able to retire early, they have been able (and more willing!) to go visit them on a more regular basis as well.

The sad part is that my cousin and his wife, who are PHd students in the mid-west are coming - and we are not even that close (we did attend their wedding last year). Yet, people who are a lot closer couldn’t be bothered.

The fiance have given up some of the nicer things in life the last 8 months so that we could invite more people and have a nice even for them. The cats have eaten better than us!

Lastly, several of the people who were giving us a hard time about not being married yet are the ones not coming or haven’t sent RSVPs.

Now that it’s “my turn” - am I wrong to feel bad? Or should I just shut up and take it? I just feel like if it was some other cousins in the family, they would go out of their way to make it.

Seems like there are two separate issues here. First, the lack of RSVPs. I can’t really understand what is so difficult about writing on a card and sticking it in the mail, especially when it’s already stamped and addressed for you. But, it happens and you’ll need to either contact these people yourself or have someone else do it. Some people will have lost them, some will have forgotten, some assume you just know they’re coming…

It seems, though, like you’re more upset about the people you know aren’t coming. You assume that they could “easily carpool” or “stay together”- don’t assume anything about their circumstances or how “easy” it would be to attend your wedding. A 4-5 hour drive is rather far. People have demanding jobs, family issues, money concerns, other commitments, etc, which you may know nothing about. It was nice of you to attend their weddings, but that doesn’t mean they owe it to you to make it to yours. I think it would be best for you to just focus on the logistics- figure out who is and is not coming- and then try not to evaluate whether you think someone’s reasons for not going are good enough or not, or whether they’d go if it was a different cousin. You’ll just stress yourself out, and lose focus on what’s really important- your impending marriage.

 

[KendraDZ1902]

You know, when one of my friends got married, some of her invitations never arrived-- like at least 10-- and she didn’t find out until she followed up on RSVPs that those people had never gotten an invitation.

And how many of those little response cards disappear at the USPS every year?

I received a RSVP and was all ripped up and a little note from the post office that they were very sorry that this mishap happened. Apparently it got stuck in a conveyor belt. lol. I’m sure that there are TONS of little cards that get lost or eaten by a conveyor belt.