Wedding ettitqute vent

[KendraDZ1902]

Also OP, you will be so busy with everything on the big day that you won’t remember half of the people you talk to at your reception. I had about 80 to show up. I talked to everyone and it wasn’t until I was looking at our guest book until I realized that lots of people where there that I didn’t remember attending! lol. That being said, I’m sure you won’t miss a few cousins that you aren’t close with anyway.

 

[underacloud]

This!

It is not unusual for brides and grooms to have trouble with RSVP’s, in fact it is all too common. See if you can enlist the help of a good friend to call the people on your list for you to find out if they are coming. I feel it is not good for the bride or groom to call themselves (just my own personal thoughts). You can ask your friend to introduce herself as a friend of the couple that is helping with the guest list and she is following up to see if they are attending, this will help you with this headache a great deal and avoid drama if at all possible while you have so much more on your mind.

I would either call or email those who have not RSVP’d. I had to do that for my wedding. I was polite and told them that we needed a final head count for food and it would be great if they could let us know, since they missed the first deadline that was on the RSVP. Other than that, there isn’t much you can do. You can’t twist someone’s arm to come to your wedding or to give you a gift. Etiquette would say that you should send a gift if you are invited, but a lot of people don’t know or don’t care. I try to assume the best of people so I would tell myself, “bless their hearts they don’t know,” but that’s just me.

Just follow up on the RSVPs, either yourselves or preferably a family-member or friend do it for you. We had to do this when we got married, and generally it was just people being a bit tardy in getting their responses to us, or thought they had already done so.

As others have said, give them the benefit of the doubt until you can confirm one way or the other.

And then…if people don’t come to your wedding because it’s too far to travel, they couldn’t be bothered, etc…assure yourself that their absence will make your wedding day a better event! You want to be surrounded by people who want to be there with you. And you don’t want to spend time on your wedding day getting around to talk with lots of relatives who you don’t really want to talk to anyway. You want to spend that time with people who are important to you, not relatives you only see rarely.

With your wedding in a few weeks, you really need to find a way to put these unimportant issues aside so they don’t negatively affect your mood or take your focus off what your wedding is all about - the sacrament of marriage.

 

[EasterJoy]

I agree with 1ke. When we got married, we were told when deciding on a guest list to figure that somewhere between 25-35% of our guests would not be able to attend for some reason, and these were people who lived close enough to drive to and from the wedding on the same day. Think about it: how many people can you choose at random and find that they have a particular weekend free 6-8 weeks from now?

This very thing happened to me with a relative. We got an invitation to her wedding just days after committing to another event. What can you do?

We were also told to plan on following up on a big fraction of the RSVPs. People forget, people wait to see if they can change plans so they can make it, people wait to talk to their spouse about what they can do, and they either think they took care of it or forget. Sometimes, too, things get lost in the mail.

Do call people who didn’t RSVP, just in case someone who wanted to come and hoped to be invited did not get their invitation. That is the person you want to be sure to contact, lest someone who cares deeply have their feelings hurt accidentally AND miss your big day when they wanted so much to celebrate with you. Concern that you might have left someone out totally by accident is the reason you ought to give when you call, even though the need to give numbers to the caterer is more practically pressing. (The fact that your gracious reason will totally guilt-trip the people who forgot to RSVP is just a little schadenfreude bonus.)

 

[Anglewannabe]

Hi all

I just have to vent for a minute and have a stupid question…

We all need to do that every now and then, I am glad you posted

My fiance and I are getting married in a few weeks…

Congratulations

Unfortunately, many of the cousins and a aunt/uncle are not coming and/or have not sent their RSVP. Most of them live 4-5 hours at most and could easily car pool with each other, stay together, etc. to save expenses…

Since you don’t live in their town, you can not assume they get along. Trust me, I would miss my dearest friend’s wedding if the only way to get there was to sit in a car for four hours with someone I can’t stand. And staying with certain people in a hotel NEVER not even people I like.

I wouldn't consider them "close" emotionally, but my fiance and I have attended all of their out-of-town weddings over the years as well as many other events..

I can relate to the feeling. That is why years ago I adopted the attitude 'I only go if I want to be at that event. And I NEVER go in the hopes that they will return the favour because as you can see, most don’t.

If we could not visit, we made sure to send a nice gift or check…

That is very nice of you but in no way mandatory. Just because you chose to be extra nice doesn’t mean they have to and it definetly does NOT give you the right to expect or hope for it

Also, since my parents were able to retire early, they have been able (and more willing!) to go visit them on a more regular basis as well...

Not sure what that has to do with anything

The sad part is that my cousin and his wife, who are PHd students in the mid-west are coming - and we are not even that close (we did attend their wedding last year). Yet, people who are a lot closer couldn’t be bothered.

Sad ? I think it is wonderful you wills see this cousin ! Maybe things are changing and this is the cousin you will become the closest to

The fiance have given up some of the nicer things in life the last 8 months so that we could invite more people and have a nice even for them. The cats have eaten better than us!

With all due respect, you chose to feed the cats better (instead of getting rid of the cats to save money). If putting on a nice event for these people means that much to you, send them all a gift card for their favourite restaurant so they can have a nice event. I can’t help but think that you saved your money so that YOU could have a nice wedding and the guest entertainment pleasure was secondary.

Lastly, several of the people who were giving us a hard time about not being married yet are the ones not coming or haven’t sent RSVPs.

Yes annoying and hurtful but again another learning experience. When someone gives you a hard time, set a boundary and tell them to mind their own business. Once you are married and someone gives you a hard time about starting a family, make a mental note to not expect them at the baby shower.

Now that it’s “my turn” - am I wrong to feel bad.

Of course not, these things hurt

Or should I just shut up and take it?.

hmmm… I would word it more like 'bite your tongue and pray for forgiveness '. However, if you can politely inquire as to why they aren’t coming, then do so

I just feel like if it was some other cousins in the family, they would go out of their way to make it.

In all groups there seems to be the popular ones everyone bends to and the ones that are forgotten. But, that does not mean your other cousins are happy. Don’t compare yourself.

Now, a few final thoughts. I have OFTEN heard of people who don’t keep in touch and all of a sudden they expect everyone to come to their wedding. You need to remember that others have a life and even though you may hold these people fondly in your heart, their life has taken a different turn and this wedding just can not be made a priority. You need to remember that just because it is the right time for you to marry, it is not the right time for some to attend a wedding.

And lastly, in the movies, weddings are beautiful and a great time to have a family reunion and everything is just so perfect. In real life, I have yet to see a wedding go over smoothly. I can not believe how many women tell me that their wedding day was the last day they ever have or ever will talk to their mid of honour Tension rises so high at these moments that a lot of rifts occur. Don’t focus on the secular event, focus on the Godly union you are blessed to have

Angie

 

[Joe_5859]

I agree with 1ke. When we got married, we were told when deciding on a guest list to figure that somewhere between 25-35% of our guests would not be able to attend for some reason, and these were people who lived close enough to drive to and from the wedding on the same day. Think about it: how many people can you choose at random and find that they have a particular weekend free 6-8 weeks from now?

This very thing happened to me with a relative. We got an invitation to her wedding just days after committing to another event. What can you do?

We were also told to plan on following up on a big fraction of the RSVPs. People forget, people wait to see if they can change plans so they can make it, people wait to talk to their spouse about what they can do, and they either think they took care of it or forget. Sometimes, too, things get lost in the mail.

Do call people who didn’t RSVP, just in case someone who wanted to come and hoped to be invited did not get their invitation. That is the person you want to be sure to contact, lest someone who cares deeply have their feelings hurt accidentally AND miss your big day when they wanted so much to celebrate with you. Concern that you might have left someone out totally by accident is the reason you ought to give when you call, even though the need to give numbers to the caterer is more practically pressing. (The fact that your gracious reason will totally guilt-trip the people who forgot to RSVP is just a little schadenfreude bonus.)

Good points.

I understand feeling a bit overlooked. I know there were people who went to my brother’s wedding but then not to mine. It does make you wonder, but – as Easter Joy and 1ke have pointed out – there can be plenty of legitimate reasons someone might not come that have nothing to do with intentionally snubbing you.

Honestly, now that time has passed, I couldn’t tell you most of who came and who didn’t. I was otherwise preoccupied, so it’s not like I had loads of spare time for each guest anway.

I know for me, now that I’m married with children, a four or five hour car trip plus a hotel stay is not something that’s easy for us to do (either time-wise, family-wise, or budget-wsie). It may not seem like that big of a deal to you, but it may be a significant factor for someone else. P

 

[pensmama87]

You know, when one of my friends got married, some of her invitations never arrived-- like at least 10-- and she didn’t find out until she followed up on RSVPs that those people had never gotten an invitation.

And how many of those little response cards disappear at the USPS every year?

That happened to us twice. One time, the mangled invitation was sent back to the bride’s family, who then sent us another invitation. The second time, we had received a “save the date” but not an invitation, and we asked one of the groomsmen if they had been sent out yet, and then we ended up RSVPing via Facebook.

I also participate in an alumni Christmas card program for my college, and those cards get lost with an alarming frequency.

 

[EasterJoy]

Good points.

I understand feeling a bit overlooked. I know there were people who went to my brother’s wedding but then not to mine. It does make you wonder, but – as Easter Joy and 1ke have pointed out – there can be plenty of legitimate reasons someone might not come that have nothing to do with intentionally snubbing you.

Honestly, now that time has passed, I couldn’t tell you most of who came and who didn’t. I was otherwise preoccupied, so it’s not like I had loads of spare time for each guest anway.

I know for me, now that I’m married with children, a four or five hour car trip plus a hotel stay is not something that’s easy for us to do (either time-wise, family-wise, or budget-wsie). It may not seem like that big of a deal to you, but it may be a significant factor for someone else. P

I remember a groom telling this story: he and his wife were watching their wedding video for the first time after their honeymoon. As they were chatting, he remarked: “I wonder why So-and-So wasn’t able to make it?” Literally in the next change of scene, there was the groom talking and laughing with his friend, So-and-So!

It is a great honor when someone can come and celebrate your wedding with you, it is a great thing to be invited, but sometimes a guest can’t come and there is some extent to which it is all a blur to the bride and groom. The big thing is that those invited do have the courtesy to RSVP and that those who do come behave according to etiquette and in a manner that contributes positively to the occasion. If you get that, you’re on pretty good ground.

 

[InLight247]

OP, I understand your feeling. Since wedding is your big event, naturally you would like your cousins to attend, especially you have attended theirs. I agree it is rude for not responding. Since they are relatives, and your parents have visited them on a regular basis, you can easily ask your parents to find out if your invitation has ever reached them and remind them to respond.

The best way to offend someone is to ignore his important occasion and be rude to it. We always find out how others value their relationships with us on our big events. If they disappoint us, there is nothing we can do. We cannot control others’ behavior.

Do not allow other people’s rudeness, indifference or carelessness to ruin your happy event. Even your feelings are hurt, you should be proud you are a much nicer and more thoughtful person than they are.

God bless you, your wedding and your marriage!

 

[PaulGH]

I know for me, now that I’m married with children, a four or five hour car trip plus a hotel stay is not something that’s easy for us to do (either time-wise, family-wise, or budget-wsie). It may not seem like that big of a deal to you, but it may be a significant factor for someone else. P

+1

A trip like that is a big deal for us too. Even if I went by myself on such a trip, it would be a big deal, because it would mean leaving my wife with no help with the kids while I was gone.