Wedding gift, how much is appropriate?

[Luvs2Learn]

Hi all,
My hubby and I will be attending a wedding in the Virginia, Washington DC area in a few weeks. I have been told that the traditional gift for this part of the country is either a formal present or Cash. (My hubby thinks his friend could probably use the cash instead of a china pattern at this point in time.) So we have decided to go that route.
What we don’t know is what is the appropriate amount to give? The latest I heard was in the ball park of $250.00 per couple. But since we are not from the Virginia, DC area we have no clue. we don’t want to come of as being cheap but we also have to stay in a hotel and pay for travel as well to attend.
any suggestions?

 

[noclevername]

Wow! You are more generous that I would be. But the main reason is because I can’t afford that much. If it were my sister or niece getting married, I probably would give a more expensive gift or money. (Actually, I usually help them with the wedding) But I have a friend getting married in DC in June and I plan to buy them something off of their registry under $50 because that’s all that is in my budget right now.

And I have never heard of a different amount depending on what area of the country they live in. Why should their residence matter?

You should give what you can afford. (Don’t use credit card) And give what you feel like giving. I know when I receive gifts, sometimes the no cost hand made gift is worth a lot more than a china pattern.

 

[whatevergirl]

*I agree…$250 is very generous. I think if you want to give that…and are close to the couple…then, go for it. I have always done $100 for close friends, $50 for friend but not close…and over $100 for family–brothers, sisters, etc…

Have fun! *

 

[Seatuck]

$250+ is what we give to close family members (brothers, sisters, neices and nephews depending upon how close and their circumstances) $125- $200 for close friends and $75- $100 for weddings that we don’t go to.

 

[maryjk]

I couldn’t afford $250 for every wedding my husband and I attend.

People must think we are pretty cheep. For a family member/close friend we do $50 to $100. And we do less for my husband’s co- workers or children of friends. Most of the time we buy a gift. I’m not sure what you mean by a formal present. Sometimes it is from the registry, sometimes it isn’t.

It is all based on what we can afford. Someone that gets married two weeks after Christmas, might get less than someone getting married in March. It all comes down to what money we have to spend.

 

[sharmin]

Typically, in our area, many people call the place where the wedding is being held to get a ball park of the per person fee the couple is paying. Then, they try to cover their plates, and some more. I usually give $100, but feel like I should give more to most weddings (as the per plate price is usually about $50/person)…but $100 is already stretching me thin!

 

[ack]

It sounds like your advisor is assuming that everyone from a particular city is alike.

Sure, the Washington DC area is full of high-powered lawyers and politicians, but not everyone is like that! Believe it or not, many people who live here are rather normal, and are no different from people that you would find in other parts of the US.

Just give whatever you would normally give at a wedding.

I gave about $75 gifts at the last two weddings I attended here. I don’t necessarily suggest that you give so little, but in my social circle (not college students, by the way), this is normal.

The best thing to do is consider the personality and tastes of the individual, and not just their geographical area. If your friend is a doctor or lawyer, maybe $250 is appropriate, but if they’re a social worker or a plumber or a civil servant, the expectations could be different…

Hi all,
My hubby and I will be attending a wedding in the Virginia, Washington DC area in a few weeks. I have been told that the traditional gift for this part of the country is either a formal present or Cash. (My hubby thinks his friend could probably use the cash instead of a china pattern at this point in time.) So we have decided to go that route.
What we don’t know is what is the appropriate amount to give? The latest I heard was in the ball park of $250.00 per couple. But since we are not from the Virginia, DC area we have no clue. we don’t want to come of as being cheap but we also have to stay in a hotel and pay for travel as well to attend.
any suggestions?

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

For a wedding of a person we aren’t really close to, we generally go $50 or less (if it is cash, I’d do $50). If it is a close family member, we’d probably do $100 or so. We give that amount because it doesn’t stress our finances to do so - we have friends who I would sincerely hope wouldn’t spend even the $50 on us because money is tight for them. We don’t live in NYC or DC, so maybe it’s different there.

When we got married, we got a few checks for $20, and even a check or two for $500 (from uncles). I was very grateful for the $20 gifts, and I thought $500 ones were extravagant, but I guess those relatives had the money to give and wanted to be very generous. Our biggest $$ givers did come from the NYC area, so maybe it does make a difference where you’re from and what the customs are. Things seem to be much more formal and extravagant there.

 

[lizaanne]

*I agree…$250 is very generous. I think if you want to give that…and are close to the couple…then, go for it. I have always done $100 for close friends, $50 for friend but not close…and over $100 for family–brothers, sisters, etc…

Have fun! *

This is a VERY regional thing, but I have to say that you are the closest to what I usually give.

If someone lives in New York, California, Chicago - someplace where the cost of living is much higher and they are paying much more per person to give the reception, then typically the gift amount is higher.

I like to consider what they are paying to feed and entertain me for the night and my cash gift is relative to that. Now, my husband is from England and he thinks it is in horribly poor taste to give cash for a wedding gift, so I have been giving gifts more often lately. To me, it’s what I’ve always done, so I don’t see a problem with it.

~Liza

 

[noclevername]

It sounds like your advisor is assuming that everyone from a particular city is alike.

Sure, the Washington DC area is full of high-powered lawyers and politicians, but not everyone is like that! Believe it or not, many people who live here are rather normal, and are no different from people that you would find in other parts of the US.

Just give whatever you would normally give at a wedding.

I gave about $75 gifts at the last two weddings I attended here. I don’t necessarily suggest that you give so little, but in my social circle (not college students, by the way), this is normal.

The best thing to do is consider the personality and tastes of the individual, and not just their geographical area. If your friend is a doctor or lawyer, maybe $250 is appropriate, but if they’re a social worker or a plumber or a civil servant, the expectations could be different…

Not trying to start anything but why would their occupation dictate the gift? That makes no sense and even seems a little snobbish.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hi all,
My hubby and I will be attending a wedding in the Virginia, Washington DC area in a few weeks. I have been told that the traditional gift for this part of the country is either a formal present or Cash. (?

I would love to know from whom you heard this drivel, but I bet I can guess. What is traditonal for any bride who knows etiquette is to have no thought in her head of receiving any gifts whatever from the people she knows and loves and has invited to share her joy. She then expresses humble gratitude for those she does receive, without any internal calculation of their relative cost (hopefully sending that hand written letter, not a pre-printed card) by return mail.

 

[dixieagle]

Typically, in our area, many people call the place where the wedding is being held to get a ball park of the per person fee the couple is paying. Then, they try to cover their plates, and some more. I usually give $100, but feel like I should give more to most weddings (as the per plate price is usually about $50/person)…but $100 is already stretching me thin!

Oh my! However did the wedding gift (which should be something freely and joyfully given, in accordance with one’s means) become payment for one’s meal at the wedding reception?

I grew up in New England, where cash was, and still may be, the typical gift, though actual “gifts” are also given. We have lived 30+ years in the South, where cash is nearly never given. For close friends’ children, we give something about $100 in value, and otherwise about $50 in value, usually from their registries.

Wedding receptions down here differ greatly from the expected sit-down dinners or dinner buffets we had in New England; here they do “cocktail party” style receptions, with varying types of hors d’oeuvres or finger foods and drinks. Sometimes it’s even simpler, with no alcohol, and just sandwiches, dips, and cake. Frankly, give me the good old New England style sit-down; we did that for our daughters down here and caused quite a stir, though it was actually far more cost effective than many of the hors d’oeuvres type receptions. It’s all in what one grew up with, I guess.

 

[dixieagle]

I would love to know from whom you heard this drivel, but I bet I can guess. What is traditonal for any bride who knows etiquette is to have no thought in her head of receiving any gifts whatever from the people she knows and loves and has invited to share her joy. She then expresses humble gratitude for those she does receive, without any internal calculation of their relative cost (hopefully sending that hand written letter, not a pre-printed card) by return mail.

I think that you and I are on the same page, wedding-wise: hand-written thank-you notes IMMEDIATELY if not sooner, all finished within weeks of the honeymoon. If someone is thoughtful enough to send a gift, then that note had better go out pretty darn quickly!

 

[river444]

I would give what I can afford based upon my relationship with person. I personally would prefer a potluck or back yard reception.

 

[puzzleannie]

I think that you and I are on the same page, wedding-wise: hand-written thank-you notes IMMEDIATELY if not sooner, all finished within weeks of the honeymoon. If someone is thoughtful enough to send a gift, then that note had better go out pretty darn quickly!

I repeat, and have taught my children, as they are teaching my grandchildren, whenever you receive a gift, for any occasion the proper response is delighted surprise and gratitude, expressed immediately if the giver is present, and in writing before the close of business the following day. In the case of a bride or bride-to-be, she sits down each evening and writes notes for all gifts received that day, and her husband can help with this labor of love. If many gifts have been received on the wedding day and travel plans for the honeymoon prevent, most givers would understand not receiving a note until a week or so after the honeymoon.

But a bride who cares enough to invite someone to her wedding would not delay any longer, and is of course delighted with whatever her friends have decided to express their care for her. It is actually traditional that gifts be sent to the bride’s home before the wedding, not brought to the reception where they impose a burden of looking after them and carrying them home. In fact in some social circles the gifts are on display for visitors who come with their own congratulations.

 

[IrishAm]

What I give, and what I truly believe is appropriate, as a wedding gift is based on (a) what I can afford, and (b) my relationship with the bride/groom/family.

Would I give a $250 gift to a casual acquaintance who happened to be hosting an expensive wedding and a $50 gift to my beloved Goddaughter who was having a backyard reception? Not on your life! Should my friends or relatives spent less (all things being equal) for one of my daughters who had a simple wedding than for the daughter who had a lavish wedding? And, more importantly, how big a fit would I have had if ANY of my girls had judged someone based on the cost of any gift given with sincerity and good will?

There are people out there who are tabulating the value of gifts, I am sure. I am equally hopeful that they will not invite me to their weddings (or that, at least, I would have the good sense to send my regrets).

 

[dixieagle]

It is actually traditional that gifts be sent to the bride’s home before the wedding, not brought to the reception where they impose a burden of looking after them and carrying them home. In fact in some social circles the gifts are on display for visitors who come with their own congratulations.

Having been through two fairly recent weddings, I so much appreciated those guests who had their kind gifts delivered to our home prior to the day; it was SO much easier all the way around. It is, indeed, still a custom in some families here (deep South) to display gifts. At our younger daughter’s bridal shower at a friend’s home, hostesses accepted and opened the gifts, then displayed them, while everyone chatted and visited; it’s an old custom, not often seen these days, but people were able to circulate, enjoy some food and visit, rather than sitting for a long time watching her open gifts.

 

[Luvs2Learn]

Hi all,
thanks for all the opinions. My hubby and I went to a bunch of weddings about a decade ago when all of our friends from both High school and college were in the “marring phase of life”. Back then we were going every where from Florida which was a small buffet meal and no open bar to several NY (Long Island) weddings that were cocktail hour with flowing ordervs and open bar, to five course dinner with continuous open bar all night fancy smancy. I was told that in NYC and Long Island , you always give Cash (or a check). A gift is given at the engagement party and is considered somewhat insulting to give at the wedding. ( I guess the couple needs to cover the per plate cost for these exstravagant events). Any how back then the appropriate gift was considered $150 per couple. (Again 10 years ago). And the Southern weddings I found out a gift , not money was the appropriate present.
Ohhh how things change!

 

[Sarabande]

I was taught that when you give a wedding reception, you shouldn’t expect gifts. It is appreciated, but shouldn’t be expected. That said, I have never attended a wedding where I didn’t give something as a gift. Most times, I have been asked to sing for family and friend’s weddings and I give them that as a gift, but then I always give them something extra (cash or something from their registry) because I’m close to them.

Basically, I give what I can afford. When I was in college and just out of college and didn’t have much cash, I’d save up to be able to purchase a gift from the registry or give them money. Sometimes, $50 was all we could afford. Now, whenever we attend weddings, my husband and I like to give at least $200 - less if money is really tight. We do it, personally, because we know how expensive most places in our area is for wedding receptions, despite efforts to keep the budget low. So, we try to cover the cost of our food. It isn’t unusual for a plate to be between $100-$300 per person in our area. I KNOW that this isn’t necessary, but we just feel right doing it, especially if we know the couple well and if we can afford it. (I remember how hard it was for us to keep the per person $85 a plate and that was a little over 5 years ago. That was after a lot of research and shopping around until we found a nice place with great food for the rate to include all the food, dessert, wedding cake and unlimited drinks - alcoholic and non-alcoholic) That said, $200 per couple is actually pretty typical in our area. I don’t know what it is like in other areas, but we’re in a major city, so it would be more.

BUT, my husband and I did not expect anything from our guests. This was a celebration - a party hosted by the bridal couple and/or parents of the couple. People don’t expect gifts when they host parties out of their house, so why should my husband and I expect gifts for a party we hosted to celebrate our wedding? We had many very generous and some extremely generous friends and family, which was a huge surprise for us and helped give us a very nice start. And we had some friends and family who couldn’t afford much and did not mind at all when a couple of them gave us just cards. We were just thrilled that they would sacrifice their weekend and money to travel, book a room and come help us celebrate our day.

I also agree with the others about writing thank you cards as soon as possible, whether or not they gave gifts. The wedding night was impossible for obvious reasons and since the reception didn’t end till 1 a.m. Then we were off on our honeymoon the next morning. My parents kept our gifts for us. But as soon as we got back from our honeymoon, we opened our gifts and started writing and mailing the thank yous out pronto.

 

[yellowbird]

$50 is what we can afford and it’s what we give. I couldn’t care less how much someone “spent” on their wedding… no difference if it’s in a backyard or in a fancy expensive place. I’m not helping you “pay” for it… I’m giving you a git. And my gift is $50 and my prayers for a very happy life together.