Wedding invitations to preferred - right or wrong?

[Beautiful]

Forget etiquette -
I would like to know if it is sinful that the bride and groom invite only friends and relatives that have been loving and meaningful throughout their lives to their wedding - this being to the exclusion of some. For example - Aunt so-and-so is invited because she has had a meaningful relationship for years and would really like to be there but Uncle so-and-so hasn’t cared one bit and couldn’t possibly care if he gets an invitation or not but might go and loom like a dark shadow simply out of filial pressure to be there. I don’t mind but some people such as grandparents do mind if the bride and groom show preference.

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

Forget etiquette -
I would like to know if it is sinful …

There’s a difference between sinful and prudent.

Inviting one aunt and not another, or one set of cousins and not another, may not be sinful, but it may make for strained relationships in the future.

 

[jmcrae]

Forget etiquette -
I would like to know if it is sinful that the bride and groom invite only friends and relatives that have been loving and meaningful throughout their lives to their wedding - this being to the exclusion of some. For example - Aunt so-and-so is invited because she has had a meaningful relationship for years and would really like to be there but Uncle so-and-so hasn’t cared one bit and couldn’t possibly care if he gets an invitation or not but might go and loom like a dark shadow simply out of filial pressure to be there. I don’t mind but some people such as grandparents do mind if the bride and groom show preference.

They should invite whom they want to invite, with the knowledge that those not invited will get the message loud and clear that they are not considered close friends of the bride and groom.

They will most likely react accordingly, and this may be a good thing. For sure, they will stop pestering you with birthday gifts every single stupid year, etc.

 

[Beautiful]

There’s a difference between sinful and prudent.

Inviting one aunt and not another, or one set of cousins and not another, may not be sinful, but it may make for strained relationships in the future.

I’d also like to share the definition of etiquette = the conduct or procedure required by good breeding or prescribed by authority to be observed in social or official life.

I’ve never been one to follow the book on etiquette.

Unfortunately the relationship was already strained. Like many family relationships this one is complicated, long and twisted.

I have love and forgiveness in my heart for the strained relationship yet I can’t see pressing the bride and groom for an invitation to please my parents. I have no doubt the omitted relatives could care less if they get an invite or not. The problem is that if one did go out then the relative in question would then be pressured by my parents to go. Basically I am refusing to give under the pressure of my parents. I’m trying to protect the bride and groom from family strife that should have nothing to do with their happy day.

Thanks for comparing sinful and prudent.

 

[MariaPD]

If your family is anything like mine, I guess you need to ask yourself if you are willing to be the talk of the family for decades to come. If you would rather not be the topic of every holiday get together (that you may never be invited to ever again) I would go ahead and invite everyone. If they haven’t really participated in your lives much before then they might not even come to the wedding anyway.

While it might be a little stressful to have people you aren’t really fond of at your wedding, you will be so wrapped up in your day that you really won’t notice if they are there or not. You won’t even remember if Uncle so-and-so showed without looking at a guest book in a couple of years. Good luck and congratulations!.

 

[jrabs]

Forget etiquette -
I would like to know if it is sinful that the bride and groom invite only friends and relatives that have been loving and meaningful throughout their lives to their wedding - this being to the exclusion of some. For example - Aunt so-and-so is invited because she has had a meaningful relationship for years and would really like to be there but Uncle so-and-so hasn’t cared one bit and couldn’t possibly care if he gets an invitation or not but might go and loom like a dark shadow simply out of filial pressure to be there. I don’t mind but some people such as grandparents do mind if the bride and groom show preference.

Well, if the bride and groom do not care who comments about the list and are paying for the wedding, then they should have the complete choice in determining the guest list. They may also need to be prepared to defend the list and say no to others politely.

I got married a few months ago. I did not invite an Uncle to the wedding knowing that he has a tendency to disrupt each and every family gathering with loud arguments usually about nothing. He’s been known to start fist fights. No guilt.

I excluded a set of cousins due to budget restrictions. No guilt.

With most weddings, the guest list needs to be refined to fit budgets and reception seating. I say, refine it the way you want.

 

[Beautiful]

I did not invite an Uncle to the wedding knowing that he has a tendency to disrupt each and every family gathering with loud arguments usually about nothing. He’s been known to start fist fights. No guilt.

Congratulations on your marriage

Did your parents mind if Uncle wasn’t invited? You had no negative feedback?

 

[Corki]

Assuming this is a Church wedding, remember it is a public affair. If this bunch is contentious, don’t be surprized if one or some of them shows up anyway.

As for the reception, it’s a party. Invite those you want to celebrate with.

 

[jrabs]

Congratulations on your marriage

Did your parents mind if Uncle wasn’t invited? You had no negative feedback?

Thanks - no parents did not mind. Though my husband and I are older, paid for the wedding ourselves and had very tight seating at our reception. There was not much room for extra people and we whittled and whittled our list.

That’s why I also say that the bride and groom may need to be prepared to defend the list with out guilt.

I did get asked by several people if they were invited and I used the handy excuse, “I wish I could though my space is limited and my budget is very tight these days. Hope you understand.”
And it is amazing how mature people understand this completely.

Some families are big on ramifications…(hard feelings and grudges). So just think carefully and thoughtfully about the list.

Is this your wedding? If so, congrats and enjoy.

 

[Beautiful]

Thanks to those who have replied.
For so long I’ve lived with a sadness and affliction from family pressures and pain. Now I will stand and carry the largest burden yet in order to protect the bride and groom on their special day together. God-Willing I can do this with His Grace.
More than ever - I see that many would rather disgrace the sacrament of marriage rather than truly celebrate it.
Enough said - I go in peace - thanks to God.

 

[jrabs]

Thanks to those who have replied.
For so long I’ve lived with a sadness and affliction from family pressures and pain. Now I will stand and carry the largest burden yet in order to protect the bride and groom on their special day together. God-Willing I can do this with His Grace.
More than ever - I see that many would rather disgrace the sacrament of marriage rather than truly celebrate it.
Enough said - I go in peace - thanks to God.

well, prayers to you and to the bride and groom for peace and a blessed day.

 

[Beautiful]

And it is amazing how mature people understand this completely.

Is this your wedding?

In an ideal world everyone is mature and understanding. Unfortunately life isn’t always ideal.

Not mine - my child’s wedding.

I can move on now - with God’s Grace I can handle the fallout from my parents. I’ve been living in enough pain all my life to know that I’d really like to protect the bride and groom.

When I was married years ago I had to invite every relative in the book - caring and uncaring - because I was young, pennyless and wanted to please everyone in order to have some resemblance of peace. I can’t believe that X amount of years later I’d still allow myself to be bowled over by parents. No more. I am being prudent.

 

[jrabs]

In an ideal world everyone is mature and understanding. Unfortunately life isn’t always ideal.

Not mine - my child’s wedding.

I can move on now - with God’s Grace I can handle the fallout from my parents. I’ve been living in enough pain all my life to know that I’d really like to protect the bride and groom.

When I was married years ago I had to invite every relative in the book - caring and uncaring - because I was young, pennyless and wanted to please everyone in order to have some resemblance of peace. I can’t believe that X amount of years later I’d still allow myself to be bowled over by parents. No more. I am being prudent.

You are absolutely correct about maturity.
Your children are VERY blessed to have you looking out for them.
I will pray for your strength - and that God protects you just as you want to protect your children.

Many prayers for you!!! And hugs too.

 

[Phemie]

Forget etiquette -
I would like to know if it is sinful that the bride and groom invite only friends and relatives that have been loving and meaningful throughout their lives to their wedding - this being to the exclusion of some. For example - Aunt so-and-so is invited because she has had a meaningful relationship for years and would really like to be there but Uncle so-and-so hasn’t cared one bit and couldn’t possibly care if he gets an invitation or not but might go and loom like a dark shadow simply out of filial pressure to be there. I don’t mind but some people such as grandparents do mind if the bride and groom show preference.

Take it from me, it’s not worth the regret you’ll have that you weren’t a bigger person.

A few months before our wedding I found out that a couple who was good friends with DH (he’d hung around with their son for about ten years) and whom I’d come to think of as friends thought that I was the worst thing that could ever happen to DH and they were unhappy that we were getting married.

I was very hurt and decided then and there that I wasn’t going to invite them. I told DH that if he wanted to invite them he could go ahead but that the invitation wouldn’t come from me. I even told my MIL what I was planning to do and why. She didn’t try to dissuade me but I wish she had told me I was being a b**ch, I’d have probably listened to her.

I have often thought of my decision through the years. I know they never figured out why they weren’t invited and I know they were hurt but at the time my feelings came first. Now I wish I’d been a better person.

 

[KCT]

Relatives can be touchy, so I’d err on the side of caution and invite close relatives.

With friends, my rule of thumb was, “Would I expect an invite to the wedding of this person or their child?”.

People know you can’t afford to invite everyone.

 

[BostonMyrtleBea]

I say invite who you want. The way I see it, you’re not OBLIGATED to invite every relative in your family - especially if trying to deal with space, personalities, and money. Heck, where does it end? My second cousing twice removed (or whatever)?

If the person’s possible attendance will cause you turmoil, it’s not worth it. Also, sometimes people think they are getting an invite just to get a gift.

Sometimes even the closest members of a family shouldn’t attend a wedding. I know in the case of my mother, she caused so much trouble that she ruined my brother’s wedding. She got to the point where she wasn’t going to go and then said she’d have me arrested for kidnapping if I took my 16 year old sister with me to the wedding (I was 21 at the time and the wedding was out of state). She ended up going and I won’t even tell you the rest of the terrible stories.

About 10 years later, I didn’t even want to invite her to my own wedding. I was so stressed out as she had caused trouble during pretty much every family event that existed. I ended up inviting her and she declined. I was honestly relieved, sad to say.

Some might ask why so-and-so isn’t there but if it’s about keeping your sanity and not having to deal with trouble, then do what creates the most loving and comfortable environment for you AND the rest of your guests.

 

[MCGar]

I’m not entirely sure why the guest invitation list needs to be shared with anybody else besides the bride and groom.

I don’t think guests lists should be publicly discussed at all.

The only exception being if the bride and groom has accepted money to have the ceremony and have agreed to terms such as sharing guest list planning.

I have had my share of wedding craziness, but no one has asked me who we have or haven’t invited. The only question posed to us has been if we need addresses and how many people are invited so they can prepare for a big or small wedding.

If someone was to ask me if I invited “so and so” I would either look at them blankly and ask, “why?” or “We haven’t finalized the list yet.”
That should be more than enough information for the curious.