Wedding Night Sex

[flyingfish]

We have abstained from sex for nearly 6 years now and want to have sex on our wedding night, but do not want to get pregnant. Is it possible to do this without using contraception if NFP cycle doesn’t match up with our wedding night? Any advise/simalar experiances from married couples would be greatly appreciated. Don’t be afraid to be critical or voice your opinion. Thank you.

For NFP to be effective you have to be very careful about when you have sex. If your wedding night falls on an “unsafe” day, then no, it’s not possible to have sex on your wedding night without a serious risk of pregnancy.

You would either have to wait until some time into your marriage to have sex, or reschedule the wedding date.

 

[LynnNH]

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!! What an exciting time!

Let me give you my story - I did a home study course from the Couple To Couple League, and charted for several months before we go married. I was fertile at the time of our wedding. We waited about three days into our honeymoon before we had sex, and I don’t regret it.

I remember sitting in bed at the hotel room on our wedding night and us being sooo tired. We were relieved that we didn’t have that additional nervous kind of pressure that night that we would have had if I had not been fertile. We were just relaxed and together, and we were that same way during the first couple of days of our honeymoon. We were so glad to be together and alone that the rest didn’t matter. We took our time and got used to getting dressed together, that sort of thing, and then the first time was much more relaxed. Plus, we’d had some good nights of sleep and so were rested! lol.

I remember reading stories in bridal magazines about how couples who had had sexual relationships before they got married thought the wedding night was going to be something super incredible, only to be disappointed. So even people who have had it before are too tired to make it really special.

Relax, enjoy the wedding planning and the wedding. I second the recommendation of the Couple to Couple League, and I wish you both a life time of joy.

Lynn in NH

 

[sheilathebard]

Honestly, if the idea of committing a mortal sin doesn’t bother you, why not have sex tomorrow? What I mean is, either it’s important for you two to show your love for each other without sin, or it isn’t. If not sinning is important, you just have to make the necessary sacrifices.

My husband and I waited until we were ready to start a family before we got married, so this wasn’t an issue for us. (I wish more people would consider this possibility!) But, as others have said, it’s not like the night after a REALLY long day where you make the biggest commitment of your life is necessarily the time when you’ll be most in the mood. People wait to consummate their marriage for a few days all the time, for whatever reason.

Still, unless you have a good reason, it might be hard to be motivated to wait. Just be aware that if you don’t wait, babies could happen! Even birth control is not 100% effective. Sex results in babies, so don’t expect to be able to separate the two easily or in a failsafe way.

 

[johngh]

It’s possible too late now, but you can always plan your wedding date around when she will be infertile. This of course is hard to do if her cycle is irregular but it is doable. That way you can have the wedding night and honeymoon you both desire without using contraception.

If it happens that she is fertile during the wedding night/honeymoon, then you must abstain even though obviously you don’t want to. Contraception is never ok under any circumstances, period.

That being said, I think you should also both evaluate why it is you do not want children yet. Is it that you are not financially able to, or is it that you simply do not want to? I don’t say this to chastise you, but simply to get you to think about it and perhaps if you really want to consummate your marriage on your wedding night and she is fertile, you can just give that night up to God and basically tell him that whatever he wants for you will happen. Of course if you do that you must be willing to accept that she might get pregnant, but frankly if you are going to be married you need to be willing to accept that anyway. NFP does work if use properly, but nothing is 100% and there is always a chance you will have a child before you feel the time is right.

 

[cheese_sdc]

Hello. I am getting married this upcoming July. My fiance and I have talked a lot about our expectations and desires for our physical relationship. We have not had intercourse, but do engage in physical activity. We are both finishing school and do not want to start a family for a few years. We are both catholic. We have talked about family planning and contraception. Although it is a hard decision to make and we both believe that contraception is not preferable, we decided that as of right now we will use birth control at least for our wedding night and the honeymoon. After that we plan to use NFP.

We have abstained from sex for nearly 6 years now and want to have sex on our wedding night, but do not want to get pregnant. Is it possible to do this without using contraception if NFP cycle doesn’t match up with our wedding night? Any advise/simalar experiances from married couples would be greatly appreciated. Don’t be afraid to be critical or voice your opinion. Thank you.

Okay, here’s my perspective on this:

My wife and I were dedicated to NFP, and only used it for “regulating the timing of births”. We kept the charts, even before we were married, took the classes, yadda yadda… yadda.

Wedding day comes along and all the stress and craziness, and we can’t tell if we’re fertile… so no intercourse. Same for the next day, and next day and next day and next day and… you get the picture. Finally I was so friggin’ aggravated that I didn’t care what the “signs” pointed to.

We went for years with this - we had a small window of time each month when we could be intimate. The stress, the charting, the aggravation were a serious issue in our marriage. Finally we both said “Enough” and now we can enjoy each other’s company when, wear, and how we want.

Please remember that the Catholic Church’s rules for married couples were not written by people with any experience of marriage, the needs of men and women, or the realities of living with a spouse for any length of time.

 

[cheese_sdc]

It’s possible too late now, but you can always plan your wedding date around when she will be infertile.

This near impossible.

The stress of the wedding will screw up the “signs”.

 

[cheese_sdc]

I remember sitting in bed at the hotel room on our wedding night and us being sooo tired. We were relieved that we didn’t have that additional nervous kind of pressure that night that we would have had if I had not been fertile.

My experience was exactly the opposite.

 

[Jennifer_J]

Please remember that the Catholic Church’s rules for married couples were not written by people with any experience of marriage, the needs of men and women, or the realities of living with a spouse for any length of time.

No, the Catholic Church’s rules for married couples were given to us by God via the Church. Either you believe in the authority of the Church or you don’t. Just because you’ve decided to contracept and think it’s okay, doesn’t make it so. You were not given the Keys of the Kingdom. You do not have 2000+ years of theology behind you. I get so tired of the canard that priests and bishops can’t know anything of marriage and family (they were brought up in a family, I would imagine). That’s like saying I can’t teach a course on the Middle Ages because I didn’t live then. One needn’t experience something to be able to teach, help, or speak the truth.

So, OP, please remember that Marriage is a sacrament and that the marital embrace is a renewal of the Sacrament. To use contraception is to negate the sacramental meaning of the act. I’d think long and hard about whether it was worth throwing away your first encounter like that. Waiting won’t kill you. Learn NFP now if you think you’ll have a need for it.

 

[cheese_sdc]

I get so tired of the canard that priests and bishops can’t know anything of marriage and family (they were brought up in a family, I would imagine). That’s like saying I can’t teach a course on the Middle Ages because I didn’t live then.

False. The relationship between child and parent (what a priest experienced) is much different than the experience of husband and wife (what 99% of priests have not experienced). I would argue that until you have experienced the doing

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

False. The relationship between child and parent (what a priest experienced) is much different than the experience of husband and wife (what 99% of priests have not experienced). I would argue that until you have experienced the doing of marriage, you have not really experienced the reality of it.

Put another way, I can watch all the Bruce Lee movies in existence, but the mere watching of the movie won’t make me a martial arts expert. It is only the consistent practice and doing of the art that will turn me into a black belt.

Well, the rules about the marital relationship are actually natural laws, written on every human’s heart. They have been described beautifully by the Catholic Church, but the rules were made by God. And lest you say that god hasn’t been married, understand that God is the perfection of what marriage is reflecting. God is a union between the Father and the Son, which brings forth the third person, the Holy Spirit. Marriage is a reflection of this - the union of two, which brings forth the life of a third (well, marriage should be a reflection of this - but isn’t when things like contraception are introduced). So no, God hasn’t experienced the frustration of irregular cycles, but I think most people who truly believe in God would agree that God understand us, our problems, and how to fix them, better than we ever could.

The other thing is that there ARE many married couples posting in this thread who HAVE been there done that. So even though the law was created by God, and originally described to us by celibate men, there is now a long history of married Catholics, who can add their witness to the beauty of this teaching.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut. I have never posted on a forum anywhere and the response I got today was amazing. This is quite possibly one of the most neglected aspects of our catholic relationship together and we will address it. Thank you so much for your help. I rarely ask to be prayed for, but please consider praying for us. Thanks again.

You got it.

 

[cheese_sdc]

…there is now a long history of married Catholics, who can add their witness to the beauty of this teaching.

What about the witness of Catholics who have experienced strife, anger, and failed marriages over this teaching?

 

[Jennifer_J]

Jennifer J;5847065:

I get so tired of the canard that priests and bishops can’t know anything of marriage and family (they were brought up in a family, I would imagine). That’s like saying I can’t teach a course on the Middle Ages because I didn’t live then.

False. The relationship between child and parent (what a priest experienced) is much different than the experience of husband and wife (what 99% of priests have not experienced). I would argue that until you have experienced the doing

of marriage, you have not really experienced the reality of it.

Put another way, I can watch all the Bruce Lee movies in existence, but the mere watching of the movie won’t make me a martial arts expert. It is only the consistent practice and doing of the art that will turn me into a black belt.

And of course, the priest has never had any other relationship other than parent/child right?

I strongly disagree that one needs to experience something to be able to offer advice. Your example of a martial arts is not all that great because every human on the face of the earth deals with RELATIONSHIPS, not all of us can do martial arts. A priest is just as much an expert on RELATIONSHIPS as you or I–infact over the years they have seen it all, heard it all and can offer good, sound advice with such experience. It’s sad that you write off our Holy Priests as inadequate and justify your rejection of Church authority in such a way.

 

[cheese_sdc]

And of course, the priest has never had any other relationship other than parent/child right?

You are correct. They may have experienced a sibling relationship, they probably have experienced a platonic dating relationship, they may have experienced a sexual non-marital relationship, they have experienced friendship.

All of which, however, are completely different from a sexual marital relationship. Very, very few priests have experienced this. There are exceptions, though.

I strongly disagree that one needs to experience something to be able to offer advice. Your example of a martial arts is not all that great because every human on the face of the earth deals with RELATIONSHIPS, not all of us can do martial arts.

You are correct, not everyone can do martial arts - primarily because they haven’t experienced the training. As I have detailed above, the sexual marital relationship is completely different from the experience of any other relationship.

Oh, just for clarity, I’ve experienced both sides of all issues - I spent 4 years in seminary, am now married, and I’ve just started martial arts training. :lol:

 

[Joe_5859]

In regards to the “marriage-taught-by-old-celibate-males” discussion:

I always like to point out that, if anything, priests probably have more experience with marriage than most of us married people. Their ministry leads them to interact with thousands of people, many of which are married couples. They prepare couples for marriage. They counsel married couples through difficulties. They hear the Confessions of many, many married people, which gives them insight into what is going on under the surface in many marriages. They do not have that “personal experience” to color and bias their view of marriage. We should not callously dismiss their invaluable perspective.

Just read what John Paul II said about marriage and family. When I read it, it becomes plainly obvious to me that he knows far more about marriage than I do.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

What about the witness of Catholics who have experienced strife, anger, and failed marriages over this teaching?

God is not wrong, ever. And the Church’s teachings on faith and morals are not wrong either.

But the experience of married Catholics may not, as you point out, immediately (or at least obviously) point to the same conclusion. And one can’t ignore one set of experiences for another simply because one fits what they want to hear. So you have to look at this aspect scientifically. Lucky for me, we’ve been studying the scientific method in science this week . So you have to ask - is it the Church’s teachings on sexuality that have caused the strife that you speak of, or is it other factors? And you could ask some similar questions about people who support the Church’s techings. Although many of us don’t claim that it makes life *easier. *Demographic studies do support, however, the claim that couples who use NFP, are happier, have lower divorce rates etc. So, as much as it has been studied (and there could be more for sure), science supports the use of NFP as a positive factor for family stability. Even if it didn’t though, the fact that avoidance of mortal sin keeps my soul going in the direction of heaven, is a pretty good reason to do something.

 

[cheese_sdc]

God is not wrong, ever. And the Church’s teachings on faith and morals are not wrong either.

The Church is not God.

And let’s keep the discussion in perspective. I know that I’m not going to change your mind, and you’re not going to change mind. The OP asked about intimacy during the wedding night. Most everyone gave the standard Catholic response.

However, I wished to throw out that there are differing opinions and experiences. My experience with NFP has frustrating, aggravating, and detrimental to my relationship with my wife. So we don’t do it anymore.

 

[curl]

However, I wished to throw out that there are differing opinions and experiences. My experience with NFP has frustrating, aggravating, and detrimental to my relationship with my wife. So we don’t do it anymore.

Thank you for speaking up. I am very happy for those people who are successful, but there’s more heartache out there than the NFP proponents would like to acknowledge.

The result for my marriage? Not consummating our marriage for the first seven years, no sex during the past seven years.

Suffering in (mostly) silence,

• curl

(PS. I don’t want to discourage the lucky ones, so I’ll go back to silence.)

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

The Church is not God.

And let’s keep the discussion in perspective. I know that I’m not going to change your mind, and you’re not going to change mind. The OP asked about intimacy during the wedding night. Most everyone gave the standard Catholic response.

However, I wished to throw out that there are differing opinions and experiences. My experience with NFP has frustrating, aggravating, and detrimental to my relationship with my wife. So we don’t do it anymore.

Well I didn’t say the Church WAS God. But I also didn’t note our difference in listed religion (not knowing the dogmas of “Cheesian” I still don’t know ). But yes, the discussion of the rightness of Church doctrine is too tangential for this thread.

I will say, in fairness, that NFP has not been all sunshine and roses for me and my dh. It has some perks, and there are times when I find it to be a real pain in the neck. Not having ever contracepted, I can’t compare, but I suspect that some of our NFP-related frustrations would be replaced by other relationship difficulties that are common with contraception. But what really keeps me a “fan” are the health factors, and by far, the morality. There’s just no way for a Catholic to get around the moral part, no matter what. But I am also not on the “NFP is so beautiful, we love every minute of it, we are soooooo much closer now than ever before because of it” bandwagon. So I see your point about including another perspective in the discussion. It’s just that Catholics can’t ignore the morality issue too.

 

[cheese_sdc]

Thank you for speaking up. I am very happy for those people who are successful, but there’s more heartache out there than the NFP proponents would like to acknowledge.

The result for my marriage? Not consummating our marriage for the first seven years, no sex during the past seven years.

Suffering in (mostly) silence,

• curl

(PS. I don’t want to discourage the lucky ones, so I’ll go back to silence.)

Dude. You gotta do something about that.