Wedding Planning Woes

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Hey everyone…
I need to vent a little bit… and I’ll take any advice, also.

I’m a little over three months away from getting married to a man who I’ve been with for about five and a half years. I love him and I want to be with him. Our courtship has had its ups and downs, but we’ve grown together and want to be together (btw: we’re 25 yrs old)

However, my issue is that during the last 12 months of our engagement, I feel like my fiance has taken over the wedding planning. I know that normally it is the bride who gets her way on everything, but I feel like in our situation, it is the groom who is getting everything he wants.

It’s not that I want my way, I wanted this planning process to involve and represent both of us, but this is not what is happening. I wanted a wedding that had a small reception (just immediate family), or a dessert reception with family and friends. I also wanted to get married at the church which will become our home parish after we are married. There’s lots of little decisions that have happened… I didn’t want a reception in a gymnasium, I wanted to hire a small decorator so we wouldn’t stress about decorations, etc.

However, my fiance felt the need to have a large reception with 100+ people with a sit down meal, in a gymnasium (which we would decorate ourselves), etc., etc., and we are getting married at a different church.

I feel like whenever we were making these decision, I would make my case, and he would make his… this would go on until one of us decided to compromise or cave. I was always the one who would compromise and say “ok, we’ll do what you want”… because there was no way my fiance would budge on his standpoint.

As it stands, all the major aspects of our wedding are what he wanted, and I don’t feel any connection to it.

This is exactly what I was scared would happen, only I was scared that I would get caught up planning the wedding the way I wanted, and that I would leave him out of it. However, he seems to have taken the reigns, and I feel very left out.

I’m so frustrated… I’m looking forward to us being married (yet I’m really not looking forward to the wedding), but it makes me nervous because of how he was so unwilling to compromise…

Argh.
 
Raes,
I can’t help worrying that if your fiance forces everything his way before and regarding the wedding, that in your married life you will have no say in anything. As the twig is bent, ao the tree will grow. If you resent it and find it difficult to be managed and overruled now, you won’t find it easier afterwards, in the many years ahead. Surely a man would wish to please his bride, unless that man loves himself best.
I ask God to help you in dealing with this issue before it becomes your way of life.
Please take care of yourself
Trishie
 
I would tell him exactly what you have told us here. That you feel that you are the one doing all of the compromising. I agree with Trishie. If he is set on getting his way on this wedding, than it will probably be the same after your married. It is best to find out now before you are married than to have a marriage of where you are always the one making the sacrifices. Good luck and God bless.
 
Leopards don’t often change their spots, as the saying goes. I think this is an example of things to come in the marriage. This is a very bad character flaw-- controlling, disregarding your (name removed by moderator)ut/feelings, having to be the one to win, having to have his way. None of those are character traits you want in a spouse.

Have you discussed this with him regarding his inability to “budge” on decisions? Have you told him your feelings and what has his response been to your discussions?

I think this says a lot about his character, and you have a serious decision to make. Listen to what that little voice is trying to tell you.
 
It’s really not normal for a man to be so control-freakish on the wedding plans. Most of them can’t be bothered. I agree with the other posters. If you never want to have your taste reflected in how the house is decorated, what car you drive, where your children go to school, what you wear… marry this man.

No, the bride shouldn’t get her way on everything either. It’s not HER day. But a wedding planning is a great way to see how a couple works together. Their first big project. Some find out the day after the big blow-out wedding that the ONLY thing they really had in common was the wedding planning. Once the wedding is over, it’s all downhill. They were planning for a day, not a lifetime. Now they have nothing in common. Do you want to also have him plan your childbirth, choose the names of your kids, their schools… all without asking you? Why is he trying for such a big wedding? Is his wedding all about HIS image to his friends and family? Are you seeing a glimpse of a man who is all about the big show, but doesn’t care if his wife is miserable?

During annulment petitions, they ask about anything significant that happened during the engagement and wedding preparation. Do you someday want to be sitting there crying your eyes out writing “I never got a choice in anything. He even picked out the gymnasium to have the wedding reception in and expected me to decorate it the day before my wedding! How could I not have seen that there was only room for one person in this marriage!”

Get counselling. Before the wedding. Joint. If he won’t go, go yourself and find out why you have spent 5 years with someone who doesn’t seem to value your opinions and why you plan to spend the rest of your life like that.

Been there, done that. Not fun.
 
I agree with Ike.

LISTEN TO THAT LITTLE VOICE!!!

Now might be a good time to sit down with your family…mom and dad. Ask them quietly what they REALLY think about your fiance.

You might be surprised. They might see things very clearly.

They might be biting their tongues in half praying you will come to your senses.

Do the same with your best friends who know both of you.

Be prepared to listen without getting defensive.

Trust me. It’s not fun to hear after your marriage falls apart that everyone sat around and had definite opinions and no one shared them with you because “they didn’t want to interfere.”
 
Liberanosamalo said:
It’s really not normal for a man to be so control-freakish on the wedding plans. Most of them can’t be bothered.
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I know one man who was like this with his wedding planning. I was actually good friends with him through our Church “young adult” group. We taught CCD together for several years and ran a bible study together. He seemed to be a Godly man. When he began dating his now wife, we didn’t do as much together anymore. But, he was “Mr. Decorator” and had to have everything a certain way for the wedding and their house. She wanted to stay home and have kids-- he sent her to work to pay for his lifestyle. She is overweight with PCOS, he constantly berates her and puts her down yet sabotages her weight loss attempts. I hear about all the different struggles through a mutual friend who lives in their neighborhood. It’s sad.

I never knew he would be so controling and mean in a marriage, since he seemed like Mr. Bible Study when we were hanging out. He picks out her clothes, he picks where they will eat and sometimes what she orders. It’s frankly the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I immediately thought of him when the OP posted about a groom who wanted to pick out every aspect of the wedding! Obviously you can’t project the experience I had with my friend to this man who we don’t know anything about… but it sure did make me think “RUN” when I read it!
 
This is a red flag to me. My husband and i both worked on the wedding plans, but there certainly aspects of it that he left completely up to me–such as decorations (didn’t matter to him) or the color of the cake or bridesmaid’s dresses (ditto). And he certainly would never have upped the number of guests without talking to me first and if I didn’t want that large of a wedding, he would have compromised.

Is this a radical change in his personality? Or, if you look back at how you have made decisions together in the past, is it consistent? I think you should take a long, hard look at this to see if it’s a trend, a new thing, and if it’s something you could live with for the rest of your married life. Which, hopefully, would be the rest of your natural life!
 
Thank you everyone for your (name removed by moderator)ut and comments.

My fiance is not controlling of my life (e.g., choosing what I wear, what I eat, etc.), but he definitely was not willing or open to compromise on these plans.

I told him all this stuff, and he was very taken aback and apologetic. He said that he didn’t realize that he was doing this (being so stubborn in his choices/preferences), and that he was sorry. What scares me is that he didn’t realize he was doing this… it does make me question how our future will be.

There really hasn’t been much in our past which has represented this attitude/situation before (or at least that I can remember). The only thing is that whenever we would host a party or have some friends over (we don’t live together, but we would together host parties), he would always make the guests his priority and not pay any attention to me. I’ve mentioned this to him before, in the past… this whole notion that I feel like he is nicer and more concerned with complete strangers or our guests than he is with me… his future wife.

I just don’t know what to think. Again, the idea that he is doing this without realizing it makes it worse because it is not an identifiable behavior for him to recognize and work at stopping.

Please pray for us.
 
That’s so sad that you’re feeling left out. I know in my situation, my fiancee is so indecisive, she would have rather I made all the plans:) So you say you discuss things and he always gets his way. Have you told him that you feel so left out? I know if I made my fiancee feel that way, I’d want her to tell me how frustrated she is. If you haven’t told him, then I wouldn’t blame him entirely for doing this. It really depends on how your discussions go regarding the decisions too. If you’re saying “good point” to things he says, then of course he’ll do this. Now, if you’re kicking and screaming about what he wants, and he still does it, then yes, I’d be concerned for your married life because he’s ignoring you completely. I’m sure it’s somewhere in between though. It may sound obvious, but you’ve got to tell him how frustrated and left out this makes you feel. Most people will adapt their behavior and compromise if they know it is hurtful to someone they love, but they have a good idea about what’s going on in the other person’s head. This is why communication is so important! Congratulations to you both, and I hope you guys have a wonderful wedding! If some plans are already set in stone, then maybe you’ll be surprised and enjoy them more than you think. Who knows? Just have fun!
 
It looks like my post came a little too late, but was in agreement with what you just said. Weddings are a big deal. They can bring out sides of people that you didn’t know existed. Ever seen Bridezillas? Yeah… Anyhow, for him to know he’s doing something hurtful, sometimes, you have to make sure you tell him you’re feeling hurt. It’s that simple! Congrats again!
 
raes,

Based on your second post, I think you need to ask yourself the question, “Can I live with this?” If the answer is “yes” then fine. If it’s “no” then you have some thinking to do.

He is not likely to change his behavior. We all have things we overlook when we are dating someone-- the “good” things are what we focus on and we discount the “bad” or the “not so great”. We make excuses. In our minds we tell ourselves it will be different when we are married. It doesn’t matter what it is-- cleanliness habits, the behavior you describe of putting others first, managing money… whatever it is, we rationalize it away.

Then we get married, it doesn’t change, and we are flummoxed.

**So, go in with your eyes open. **If this man is a good man, and these behaviors are a minor irritant that you can offer up and look past, then do so. But, if this is a major problem that you will feel slighted, jealous, upset, mad, etc, and hold against, cause arguments, etc… then think again about whether you’ve found the right man for YOU.

If you decide this is something you can overlook, great-- but you’ll be doing that for the next 50 years so when you get tempted to be angry and confront… remember that you told yourself this was something you could live with.

No one here can tell you what to do, only give our 2 cents.
 
You mention that he puts guests ahead of you when they come over to visit…that he is nicer to strangers and acquaintances than to you, his fiance.

It is not uncommon for grooms and brides to worry about what wedding guests will think, or to start putting the guests’ needs ahead of their future partners’ concerns. Maybe your fiance is getting pressure from his mother or father about putting on a nice show, or his friends have ribbed him about not having enough booze at the reception. But he needs to sit down with YOU, and talk these concerns over with YOU, rather than let those concerns about one day, one party, rule the decision making process.

He may not realize he’s doing it because, as you say, he’s accustomed to making things nice for his guests. Maybe he only has enough energy when you have friends over to concentrate on them, and he figures you love him enough that you’ll forgive him, that he doesn’t have to work at being nice to you when friends are over. Sadly, this was an issue in a relationship I had with a (now) ex-fiance. His friends took priority over me, as did his family, and if his friends and I had a disagreement, he always took their side “because I’ve known them forever.”

Maybe he doesn’t realize that the wedding day is ONE day out of your marriage, and it certainly is less important than building a strong relationship. Maybe this is something to bring up with the priest who is counseling the two of you in pre-Cana.
 
Dear Raes

I’m sorry that the lead up to your wedding is a time of great stress (think all weddings are stressful!) and am pleased that you are looking at the situation and not turning a blind eye as some people would do. It takes real courage to do the revaluation you are doing.
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raes:
I told him all this stuff, and he was very taken aback and apologetic. He said that he didn’t realize that he was doing this (being so stubborn in his choices/preferences), and that he was sorry. What scares me is that he didn’t realize he was doing this… it does make me question how our future will be.
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Yes, it is scary if it is correct that he didn’t realise what he was doing. We usually know when we are acting differently and ask ourselves why. Wonder why he didn’t.

I’d also want to know what prompted him to act this way - eg was it in response to what his family wanted, what he wanted, not liking what you wanted.
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raes:
There really hasn’t been much in our past which has represented this attitude/situation before (or at least that I can remember). The only thing is that whenever we would host a party or have some friends over (we don’t live together, but we would together host parties), he would always make the guests his priority and not pay any attention to me. I’ve mentioned this to him before, in the past… this whole notion that I feel like he is nicer and more concerned with complete strangers or our guests than he is with me… his future wife.
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Yes, guests are important and so is making them welcome. But he could still be a good host (and you hostess) by being together some of the time at the party.

I’d wonder if I didn’t see the host and hostess together some of the time enjoying their role and making sure everyone (including both of them) is enjoying the party.
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raes:
I just don’t know what to think. Again, the idea that he is doing this without realizing it makes it worse because it is not an identifiable behavior for him to recognize and work at stopping.
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Agree, you can’t change what you do not acknowledge or do not see is wrong.

I would also suggest counselling - maybe starting on your own so that you can get a better handle on the situation and look at your options which include delaying the wedding.
 
Personally, my dh and I went through a really stressful time during our wedding planning where we were ready to kill each other and anyone in a five radius. :mad: Granted this is a bit of an exaggeration but what worked us is that we took a whole weekend and put certain taboo subjects: the wedding and his family, off limits. We found out we were fine. No control issues, no fear, no stress. Depending on your time table you may not have a weekend - take a day put the wedding off limits and reacquaint with your df. It is the only way you will know if it is counseling you need, breaking off the engagement, or going through with your plans. Weddings are stressful but beautiful, marriages are for a lifetime.

God bless
 
Hmmm.

Ask yourself how often he gets his own way. I mean, if you both love canoeing and watching sci-fi movies, when you do those things together, he’s still getting his own way. So what happens when you want to watch a “chick flick” and he doesn’t?

Right now, planning your wedding, you two are making decisions in a number of places where your tastes differ. He’s overruling your taste every time.

So look back, and see what his record is when you wanted him to join you in something he wasn’t thrilled about. Did he get his way, or did he go with you? (Your parents’ insight on this would be good, too.) Or did you, maybe, just not ask him to do anything he wouldn’t like?

Marriage is a constant flow of compromises. If he won’t compromise, you won’t have a marriage.

The thing about his abandoning you at parties worries me, too. Does he do the same thing at parties where you guys aren’t hosting? If he does, that’s a big red flag. (Been there, done that, still have the mental scars.) If he doesn’t - if there’s a marked difference - then it has to do with what he thinks about hosting.

…So he apologized. Repentance is great - what about penance? Or is he saying “the arrangements have already been made?” If so, he’s still getting his own way. An apology, even a sincere one, is only words.

Be careful, my dear…

God bless both of you, and may my worries be proved wrong!

Ruthie
 
raes said:
I told him all this stuff, and he was very taken aback and apologetic. He said that he didn’t realize that he was doing this (being so stubborn in his choices/preferences), and that he was sorry. What scares me is that he didn’t realize he was doing this… it does make me question how our future will be.

There really hasn’t been much in our past which has represented this attitude/situation before (or at least that I can remember). quote]

Was there anything in the past as “big” as a wedding? Now consider what “big” things you will face after marriage - buying a home, raising children, finances . . . if it’s possible that he will be unable to compromise on other big things, you’ve got some praying to do.
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So what happened after he said he was sorry about monopolizing the plans - did he concede to some of the things that you wanted? Or have the plans not changed at all?
 
Just a point …

I know that I have the habit of giving in in arguments with my fiance before he even realizes I disagreed with him that strongly about in the first place.

We are planning a wedding in five months and it seems very few things are going “my” way. My parents pushed and pushed to have it one way, and then my future mother-in-law would talk my fiance into the idea that “a wedding has to be this other way.” He and I ended up having to get together and agree that no one but the two of us would have any say. And even so, between the two of us, we manage to disagree a lot!

The important thing to me is that when I say, “This is really, really important to me; I will not be happy with the wedding if it is done in this way,” he is willing to listen and find a compromise. Until I have said that, and made it quite clear, I can hardly blame him for riding roughshod over my ideas – because my tendency is to put it more like, "Well, I did want a smaller wedding . . . but I guess I could put up with a bigger wedding . . . how big were you thinking of anyway? . . . well, I don’t know . . . " And it’s hard for a guy to read “strong opposition” out of that, even though that was what I felt.

So, communication is number one, and number two should be that he gives you the certainty that he is not going to push to have it one way if you won’t be happy with it. You should be quite sure – as the others said, he should be willing to change the plans, even now, insofar as can be done, to a point closer to a compromise.
 
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