Wedding problems with family

[underacloud]

If you back down on this, where will it end?

What will you do about baptisms, first communion, confirmation, etc?

What will happen if you raise your children Catholic and they one day marry in the church? Will you try to tell your child to have a wedding out of the church to accommodate your family’s objections?

How will you handle your family badgering you even harder about your faith once they see there is a chink in the armour? If they can pressure you into marrying out of the church, clearly your faith can’t be too strong, and they will try harder to win you back.

You and your fiancé are adults. You and your fiancé are Catholic. It’s time for you both to leave mother and father and hold fast to each other. Your husband deserves the wedding he wants, as do you. Frankly, if you aren’t ready to get married in the manner of YOUR choice (and consistent with Church law of course), then you aren’t ready for marriage at all.

 

[Della]

An added thought, your family probably sees your conversion as a phase you are going through–that somehow you were seduced into being a Catholic in some way. If you give into them they will be even more convinced that your Catholicism is only skin deep–that you really aren’t committed to being a Catholic. People who think only their little group is the way of savlation tend to think along those lines. I know because I used to be one of those people. If you give in now you’ll only make them think that if they keep at you you will denounce your Catholic faith and return to theirs.

They probably don’t see you as a Christian anymore–to them you are an outcast from their faith and so from God. It’s a warped view but there it is. You must stand firm. It is the most loving thing you can do because you will show them that being a Catholic is more than rituals and smells and bells but it truly spiritual and life-giving. You have to be a witness to them of the truths you have embraced–so that they can at least see that your commitment to Christ is as deep, if not deeper than it ever was.

Also, there’s the very human element of feeling left behind and left out for them. Their way of dealing with that is not good–trying to make you feel bad for their bad manners, but people often do react badly when they are afraid–afraid for your salvation and afraid that you might just be onto something that challenges their pat way seeing the world and their place in it.

It’s not easy, I know. Following Christ isn’t alway easy, is it? But if you stand firm you will be a better witness of love to them than if you give into their emotional manipulation. It sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s true just the same. God’s way of dealing with human failings is better than our ways. Trust in God and have a blessed wedding and life with your new husband.

 

[mdleagedguy]

When my wife and I married, she was Seventh Day Adventist, and about half of her family were atheists, the rest Adventist. We did a wedding ceremony without the Mass to ensure that her mom would attend. But even that did not prevent problems. A the reception, her step mother started a fight with my mom about us being “slaves to the pope”, along with a lot of other stuff. Now I think that’s the only reason they attended the wedding was because they were hoping to eventually convert me. When it became clear they couldn’t convert me, they stopped talking to me. They would only visit when I was gone from the house. Then my wife became Catholic. More problems.

The fact is, you will be subject to some level of bigotry due to your Catholic faith. It hurts. Perhaps you should ask them if they would attend a wedding of two friends, not relatives, who were Catholic, or would they shun their friends’ wedding as well. If they would not, then why would they hurt a Catholic family member in that way?

 

[DarkLight]

Are we talking baptists of the IFB stripe, by any chance? If that’s the case, good luck.

I agree with others here - stand your ground. You are Catholic, have a Catholic ceremony, they can get used to it. Walk in together as bride and groom and pare down the wedding party so it isn’t obvious that your family isn’t involved. Have a non-mass wedding so that communion isn’t an issue.

Also, plan some good escape routes for the reception. This isn’t going to end after the ceremony, after all.

 

[AnnArbor]

This has been a really interesting thread. While I agree with most of the advice, I wonder how it would have played out had the roles been reversed? I’ve seen several threads on this forum where parents have lamented that their Catholic children have left the faith and are now being married in a Protestant church. Posters have often suggested that the parents not attend the wedding – much like the parents in this case, only in reverse.

 

[Della]

This has been a really interesting thread. While I agree with most of the advice, I wonder how it would have played out had the roles been reversed? I’ve seen several threads on this forum where parents have lamented that their Catholic children have left the faith and are now being married in a Protestant church. Posters have often suggested that the parents not attend the wedding – much like the parents in this case, only in reverse.

Well, the parents have agreed to attend the wedding, but do not wish to participate in any way. The OP is upset about that, and also fears they will look unhappy all through the ceremony, thus spoiling the occasion. What I’ve been saying is that how her parents behave is not up to her, it’s up to them. If they are determined to act badly, it might be better if they not come at all.

Catholics may not endorse Catholics marrying outside the Church, but it is left up to their purdential judgment whether or not they should attend. If not attending would cause a loss of communication and bring about alienation, they may want to attend. If it would be seen as a clear sign of approbation for leaving the Church, then they may not wish to attend. In any case, the couple should be treated with love and respect for their decision. No Catholic may attend a gay wedding no matter the circumstances since it’s no marriage at all and sends the wrong message.

 

[retire_early]

Dear English Teacher,

Please feel free to correct my grammar and spelling!

I vote for just having a beautiful Catholic Nuptial Mass, with minimal bridal attendants.

Smile the whole time. Give your mom and dad big kisses and hugs, but don’t let their religious fears have any affect on you. Just ignore their moodiness and imagine the Holy Spirit showering graces of understanding on them. I wonder if they have ever attended Mass before? This might be a beautiful way to break down the walls of misunderstanding and provide some enlightenment. :newidea:

Another person suggested expanded “programmes”, in order to explain better and allow non-Catholics to follow along with the ceremony. I think that would be helpful. Especially if they are big on Scripture, the readings and gospel will be printed right there.

Don’t worry, be happy! Let Mom and Dad see how happy you are. Also, your spouse will appreciate that you are focused on him and the joy of the day.

Your friend,
Katie

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Thank you all for the advice and prayers; I really appreciate it. We are excited (of course) about our upcoming marriage, and hope some of our joy will rub off on the family. I am still holding out hope that they change their minds about participating in our wedding; but in the meantime, we still planning a Catholic wedding, probably with the Mass (although not entirely sure about that part yet).

Well, the parents have agreed to attend the wedding, but do not wish to participate in any way. The OP is upset about that, and also** fears they will look unhappy all through the ceremony, thus spoiling the occasion**. What I’ve been saying is that how her parents behave is not up to her, it’s up to them. If they are determined to act badly, it might be better if they not come at all

Also wanted to clarify that I very much care about how they feel, and it is for their own sakes that I don’t want them to be sad at my wedding. I am concerned about them, and not just about how their sadness or non-participation will look at my wedding. I agree, though, that there is only so much that I can do about that.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Are we talking baptists of the IFB stripe, by any chance?
.

Yes. They are wonderful family and wonderful people, and I love them with all my heart; but (as I suspect you may know from personal experience) they come from a denomination that is a particularly tough nut to crack when it comes to their stance on the Catholic Church.

 

[paperwight66]

Dear Teacher,

I am sorry that you are going through this. Have you explained to your family that even though we participate in Mass differently we are all Christians. We all believe in and give praise to God, the same God. For them to denounce another Christian faith is almost hypocritical.

Let them know that even though you do not worship as they do – in their mass, you still supported them and you would like that same kind of respect. You are not asking them to convert but just show their love for you as a family member.

Winter

I’d be very careful not to refer to a Baptist service as their ‘Mass’ The Baptists I know would be horrified.

 

[DarkLight]

Yes. They are wonderful family and wonderful people, and I love them with all my heart; but (as I suspect you may know from personal experience) they come from a denomination that is a particularly tough nut to crack when it comes to their stance on the Catholic Church.

Yeah, I grew up in that movement. They think Catholics are the Illuminati led by the Devil himself. Congratulations on finding your way to sanity!

Unfortunately I’ve found there’s not much that’ll get through other than time itself. Anything that contradicts their worldview is a lie of the devil and they won’t listen to it.

 

[Della]

Thank you all for the advice and prayers; I really appreciate it. We are excited (of course) about our upcoming marriage, and hope some of our joy will rub off on the family. I am still holding out hope that they change their minds about participating in our wedding; but in the meantime, we still planning a Catholic wedding, probably with the Mass (although not entirely sure about that part yet).

Having the Mass is the usual way to go, so if you want to have it, then have it. Perhaps it will allay some of your family’s fears when they hear how scriptural the Mass is and that God is the recipient of our worship.

Also wanted to clarify that I very much care about how they feel, and it is for their own sakes that I don’t want them to be sad at my wedding. I am concerned about them, and not just about how their sadness or non-participation will look at my wedding. I agree, though, that there is only so much that I can do about that.

Sorry to have made it seem that spoiling the occasion was your concern. Of course you don’t want your family to be unhappy. Nothing can really spoil it for you and your fiance when you exchange vows and so become one in sacramental marriage. I hope that everyone will enjoy your happy event and come away blessed as only God can bless us in good times and in bad.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Having the Mass is the usual way to go, so if you want to have it, then have it. Perhaps it will allay some of your family’s fears when they hear how scriptural the Mass is and that God is the recipient of our worship.

We do really want a Mass, and so far it doesn’t seem as though having a plain Liturgy of the Word is going to make any difference with the family, so I think we will probably just plan to go with a Mass.

Sorry to have made it seem that spoiling the occasion was your concern. Of course you don’t want your family to be unhappy. Nothing can really spoil it for you and your fiance when you exchange vows and so become one in sacramental marriage. I hope that everyone will enjoy your happy event and come away blessed as only God can bless us in good times and in bad.

No, I don’t think you made it seem that way; I just wanted to clarify. Thank you again for your good advice and prayers; I really appreciate it.

 

[Julianna]

Ask the priest to go over and visit their preacher and have a chat. My sister-in-law is Pentecostal. …our priest picked up the phone and called hers. He needed proof her Baptism. I was there and her preacher faxed it over and they chatted about golf and what a lovely Christian woman my sis in law is. Her sister was maid of honor and her dad walked her down the aisle…in the Catholic Church.

 

[Xantippe]

Ask the priest to go over and visit their preacher and have a chat. My sister-in-law is Pentecostal. …our priest picked up the phone and called hers. He needed proof her Baptism. I was there and her preacher faxed it over and they chatted about golf and what a lovely Christian woman my sis in law is. Her sister was maid of honor and her dad walked her down the aisle…in the Catholic Church.

I suspect that would produce much more lively results with the IFB. But if you’ve got the right kind of pastor, hey, why not?

One of our local pastors recently accidentally doorbelled a house full of Jehovah’s Witnesses (he and the youth group were doing some sort of activity in the parish neighborhood). I can imagining him relishing a chance to talk to IFB folk.

 

[DarkLight]

I suspect that would produce much more lively results with the IFB. But if you’ve got the right kind of pastor, hey, why not?

One of our local pastors recently accidentally doorbelled a house full of Jehovah’s Witnesses (he and the youth group were doing some sort of activity in the parish neighborhood). I can imagining him relishing a chance to talk to IFB folk.

I’d be a tad surprised if it was productive, unfortunately. IFB folk tend to be genuinely close-minded. There’s things that agree with them, and there’s temptations of the devil that must not be listened to. Questioning your faith is the greatest sin a man can commit.

 

[joseie]

Continue to exhibit your courage and conviction
which you did while deciding to marry your Catholic friend.Boldly marry him in a catholic church.In the meanwhile try to get some useful information about catholic church (with the help of your friend and his family) for you to get yourself convinced of its superiority and also to help you to try to change your parents mind. Jesus will definitely help you in the matter if you pray.

 

[tafan]

Given the situation with my family, should we have a wedding outside the church building if by chance we receive a dispensation for it? Granted, the chances of being able to go that route are slim anyway. When I asked my priest about a wedding outside the church building, he said that he can only do it with the express permission of the bishop, and that the bishop has never granted permission for this, to his knowledge.

But supposing that the bishop did grant permission, should we do it for my parents, to preserve family harmony and make them more comfortable at the wedding? It’s not what my fiancé and I want, at least under ideal circumstances (and it’s not what his parents would like, either, for that matter), but I don’t want to be selfish about this. I love my parents deeply, and I can’t stand seeing them sad and hurt, especially at my wedding.

Thoughts on this?

I think its a bad idea. You will possibly be alleviating one problem, while creating a definite other problem. You will be sorry ad the end of the day the wedding was not in a Catholic Church, and your fiancé’s family will be upset about it. All of that, and it might not even help out the situation with your family that much.

Remember, although the wedding is a special day, the marriage is what matters.