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Xantippe
Guest
Some of our Polish relatives manage to fight over funerals, too!
(I just edited that from “at” because I realized I’d got it wrong–the older, more thin skinned relatives have a tendency to get into snits over funeral protocol.)
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EasterJoy
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Yes. If you’re paying, then you are hosting and if you are hosting then that makes you one of the organizers. I think I’d put it that way with your son. Then tell him that you probably ought to call the parents directly, rather than hazard a “game of telephone” about something that could cause some hard feelings if it is handled wrong.I don’t know if I mentioned this…(new development)
The bride’s father is asking our son to kick in money for the reception. Which means my husband and I are paying because our son is finishing up college.
Doesn’t that mean we should have at least a little (name removed by moderator)ut?
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aicirt
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When you have a daughter, one should realize that someday she’ll wed and you will be giving a wedding. To assume that this cost will be shared by the groom’s family under threat that otherwise the names of the groom’s parents will be omitted is blackmail.
Similarly, the parents of boys know that one day there will be a wedding and they’ll be giving the rehersal dinner. It can be as humble as at one’s home which was the usual practice. Now it is a full affair almost a second wedding.
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fencersmother
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My daughter is now engaged (she’ll be 25, he 32 when they wed next spring), and they are paying for EVERYTHING themselves. Consequently, we have zero (name removed by moderator)ut, which is fair, but still smarts a little, since she is our only daughter.
The thing that is most egregious from my DH’s point of view is that the wedding will take place at his parents’ parish, and his parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner. Mom and Dad of the bride:* nada*.
It’s irksome but we’re keeping our mouths shut.
The thing that is most egregious from my DH’s point of view is that the wedding will take place at his parents’ parish, and his parents are hosting the rehearsal dinner. Mom and Dad of the bride:* nada*.
It’s irksome but we’re keeping our mouths shut.
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aicirt
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What would be the reason for this? They’re paying for the wedding and his parents are paying for the rehersal dinner. Did you volunteer to pay for something and turned down? As a guest, I would be questioning why we’re at the groom’s parish. It will not go unnoticed.
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Xantippe
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There are lots of good reasons why the groom’s parents’ parish might be preferred–it might be prettier, a more suitable size, the couple might know the priest well, there might be a hall available for a reasonable rate, the musicians might be especially talented, the parish secretary may be more pleasant to deal with, etc., etc.
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TeachCatechism
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Widely available online but here’s one site: www.maselliwarren.com/2014/03/20/divorce-rates-increase.
www.drphil.com/articles/article/351.
The stats from the National Center for Health Statistics.
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TeachCatechism
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Actually not always. I know a lot of unwed women. I also know that the majority who marry were paid by the couple. This thinking that a daughter will marry and will depend on the parents is outdated.
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EasterJoy
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If they do not live as near the bride’s parents, they also have to consider the travel distance and possibly the lodging costs they are asking of their “typical” guest, the convenience of travelling to one place or the other, and the inevitable load they are putting on the bride’s parents.
When the bride is not living at home any more, it isn’t assumed that her wedding will be in her parent’s parish church. Furthermore, if her fiancé is old enough to be well-established as a parishioner in his own right, a parish that she will be joining soon, it is also understandable that they might want to start their married life in the very same church that will be their first parish, even if it is his parents’ parish, too.
When you are 25, you don’t necessarily assume that your parents *want *to be saddled with the expense and work of a big reception. This is particularly true if they’ve already spent a lot of money on you to get you through all the other expenses of your education and upbringing.
OP, if you’re feeling left out, say so. Maybe it doesn’t change anything, but I think your daughter will be touched that you see helping out with her wedding to be an honor and a thrill you’ve looked forward to since she was born, and not an imposition. It is possible that your daughter’s in-laws are getting to help because they would not keep their mouths shut, remember that. Be sure you tell your daughter that you want to help in a way that helps her, and not in a way intended to make you feel good. I’m sure she will appreciate that greatly.
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Xantippe
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Right.
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twf
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There are no rules here…just traditions that vary from place to place, time to time, and family to family. These sorts of “traditions” are ever evolving. As it is now very common to get married in your late 20s or early 30s (or later), more and more couples pay for everything themselves. My wife and I were 27 (just over a year ago) and we paid for probably 75-80%. MY parents (parents of the groom) chipped in the remainder and the reception venue itself was at my mom’s uncle and aunt’s place on the lake (with tables set up for dining / caterers and a marquee in the event of rain). My wife’s parents didn’t offer a dime. No one was offended…what happened to Christian charity? Go with the flow. There could be a million reasons why the parents of the bride can’t or don’t want to take on the financial burden.
My mom (mother of the groom) planned almost everything with me doing a huge chunk of the leg work / dealing with vendors and my wife giving “final approval” on everything. My mom and wife get along great and seem to have similar tastes. Her mom gave some (name removed by moderator)ut but wasn’t actively involved with any of the planning nor did she want to. She’s not overly social and I think she would have been very overwhelmed. Everyone seemed happy with the arrangement.
My mom (mother of the groom) planned almost everything with me doing a huge chunk of the leg work / dealing with vendors and my wife giving “final approval” on everything. My mom and wife get along great and seem to have similar tastes. Her mom gave some (name removed by moderator)ut but wasn’t actively involved with any of the planning nor did she want to. She’s not overly social and I think she would have been very overwhelmed. Everyone seemed happy with the arrangement.
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aicirt
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And I know couples who have paid for their own weddings too. Usually, they have been carer people and are in their 30s making very good salaries. However, in this case the bride’s parents actually wanted or did omit the names of the groom’s parents on the invitations because they didn’t contribute. That’s really rude.
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aicirt
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Ok valid reasons but this is not what the poster stated. I got the impression both she and her husband, who are the parents of the bride, feel left out. The poster stated they’re involved in “nada”. That has to hurt.
When you are told all the plans none of which you have been asked to participate in, it would be very difficult to inject yourself at that point because you’ve already received the message that they’re doing fine without you and you (mother of the bride and father of the bride) are really not important. So a prudent person would keep their collective mouths shut.
The message that I think the parents might be getting here is if this is what the wedding is like what else will be coming where they’ll be excluded.
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TeachCatechism
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No, what’s rude is assuming all women will get married.
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Phemie
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DD was 25, SIL 24 when they married. We had no say in anything as they lived 3 provinces away and did all the planning. They issued the invitations, not us.
His parents hosted a combination rehearsal/birthday dinner as it was both SIL and his aunt’s birthday the day before the wedding.
These guys had been able to start their adult life, and married life, free of debt because they’d been lucky enough to have us foot the bill for their education. It was up to them not to mess it up by planning a wedding they couldn’t afford. They accomplished that.
We had set aside a sum of money to give to each of our kids as a wedding present. DD didn’t get any more than her brother did and that her other brother will if marriage is in his future.
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aicirt
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Have no idea what you mean.
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TeachCatechism
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You said I was rude because no pointed out not everyone marries or that to assume having a daughter means automatically paying for a wedding.Have no idea what you mean.
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Xantippe
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As long as you’re still invited to your kid’s wedding, you’re not being excluded.
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EasterJoy
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I think you misunderstand me. I do not mean that she should not feel hurt or has no reason to feel left out. I’m listing reasons that their daughter might not realize she’s leaving them out of anything but a big expense and a lot of work that she would rather spare them. If her mother and father had expressed relief that she was handling everything, does that mean they don’t care about her? No, it only means that they and their daughter see eye-to-eye on the question of how much the parents covet the honor of putting on the party celebrating their daughter’s wedding instead of letting the daughter do it herself from the career earnings from the education they helped her attain.
Parents of the groom have been told plans without having any control of anything for how many years? They’re told when the rehearsal will be and what color the dresses of the bridesmaid and the mother of the bride will be, so the mother of the groom won’t clash in the pictures. Well, we live in gender-neutral times. Now it is sometimes the parents of the bride or even both sets of parents who are relieved of expenses, therefore relieved of (name removed by moderator)ut on the planning, only being told what time the wedding and the events surrounding it will be and what sort of clothes they need to get in order to be suitable.
I don’t think it is wrong to tell your family when you feel disappointed in a situation, not if you can do it without dishing out a guilt trip or making an ultimatum that things be changed to suit you. I think you can start a conversation that says, “I want you to understand that I’m not looking to change a thing about your wedding plans. I just want to tell you something for future reference. Your dad and I would have felt it an honor and a pleasure if we could have been included in putting on your wedding reception. I know things aren’t so cut and dried as they were when you were born, but helping you to put on your wedding was something we always dreamed of doing for you. Keep in mind in the future that we hope you’ll ask us to and include us in this kind of thing, because we’d like to do it, if we can.”
Maybe when she was born you knew that you would be expected to put on the wedding, if she is about 40 years old. Otherwise, I think parents have had enough time to absorb the reality that not every wedding is a formal wedding and not every bride goes straight from her parents’ home and into her marriage without going off on her own first.
A wedding invitation is not a wedding announcement. It is an invitation to a social event, and there is nothing rude about the hosts issuing the invitations. While it is OK to include someone as a host on an invitation when they aren’t paying for any of it, it is *not *blackmail to put on a reception and to send out an invitation that correctly states who the hosts are–which can still simply and honestly mean who is footing the bill–and who the guests of honor for whom the reception is being thrown. The latter is traditional, it is still according to correct etiquette, and therefore it is not rude.
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