Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[lax16]

I know that the bride’s parents usually pay for the wedding reception, however do the groom and the groom’s parents have any (name removed by moderator)ut?

What about the number of guests?

 

[mommy_k]

The brides family would let the grooms family know how may guests. If the groom has a number larger-they should offer to pay for the extra guests. The grooms family would do the table seating arrangements for the groom side.

 

[aicirt]

I know that the bride’s parents usually pay for the wedding reception, however do the groom and the groom’s parents have any (name removed by moderator)ut?

What about the number of guests?

The groom’s parents pay for the rehersal dinner. Usually included are all the attendants and their spouses plus out-of-town guests. If the groom’s list of “must be at wedding”, then the groom’s side should offer to pay for those above and beyond number stipulated by bride’s side. Be careful with this. Going way beyond that number could force couple to look for larger venue.

 

[pensmama87]

I know that the bride’s parents usually pay for the wedding reception, however do the groom and the groom’s parents have any (name removed by moderator)ut?

What about the number of guests?

This can be handled in any way that the bride and groom wish. Traditionally, yes, the bride’s family hosts the reception (which would include paying for it.) However, it’s in very poor taste for anyone to say, “I’m throwing this party, therefore your (name removed by moderator)ut is not welcome.”

A very fair way would be to create a budget and determine the number of guests that way, and then split it in half. We basically did that, and then since my family is smaller than my husband’s, the rest of my “spots” were filled by our mutual friends.

Unless you are having a huge wedding, someone will have to be left out. Normal people don’t get upset about this.

 

[Phemie]

This kind of question makes me very happy that DD and SIL paid for their own wedding and decided whom to invite all on their own. They had a small intimate wedding with about 45 guests, all close relatives or close friends of the bride and groom.

SIL comes from a large family, we don’t. AFAIK, all the aunts, uncles and first cousins and their families were invited. Since DD has only 3 uncles and no first cousins, she invited second cousins she’s close to and whom she thought might attend. If there was no way they were going to be there they weren’t invited. As DD put it, “Inviting people you know can’t come is just asking for a gift.”

 

[unstoppable_II]

These questions are addressed in numerous books on etiquette. You can probably find a copy at your local public library, if not on line. Good luck, and remember, no matter how much you try to avoid it, someone will be offended.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

This kind of question makes me very happy that DD and SIL paid for their own wedding and decided whom to invite all on their own. They had a small intimate wedding with about 45 guests, all close relatives or close friends of the bride and groom.

SIL comes from a large family, we don’t. AFAIK, all the aunts, uncles and first cousins and their families were invited. Since DD has only 3 uncles and no first cousins, she invited second cousins she’s close to and whom she thought might attend. If there was no way they were going to be there they weren’t invited. As DD put it, “Inviting people you know can’t come is just asking for a gift.”

I’ve been married for about 18 years.

Even when we had our wedding, it wasn’t the absolute norm for the bride’s parents to pay. I paid for a significant part of it. My parents helped. My DH paid for part, his parents helped out.

For the OP, usually bride and groom come up with a general consensus on the size and venue. Then the guest list is split into 3, mutual friends, groom’s side, bride’s side.

 

[Irishmom2]

See, I am looking at it from the parent of the bride…

I like to think I would try to take into account the likes and dislikes of the bride and the groom. But what needs to be remembered is who is hosting the reception, or yes, who is responsible for the “party.” If the couple are paying for it themselves, by all means, do whatever they want. But as parents of the bride, the hosts of the reception, and the one paying for it, we decide the budget, the number of guests, and what we can afford to offer the bride and groom as our gift to them, not as our obligation to them.

So before anyone throws me under the bus, remember, I said I would try to accommodate their likes and dislikes within our budget.

 

[Xantippe]

I know that the bride’s parents usually pay for the wedding reception, however do the groom and the groom’s parents have any (name removed by moderator)ut?

What about the number of guests?

I believe that the age of the couple tends to enter into this.

It’s very common for older (say, mid-20s and up) brides and grooms to pay for their wedding together themselves.

Another option (which I am considering for our family) is just giving each of our children (regardless of sex) a flat sum (say $10k) and tell them to use it however they like–wedding, new home, car, whatever. On the one hand, you lose control of the wedding process, but on the other hand, it eliminates the issue of cost-overruns (at least for the parents).

 

[pensmama87]

See, I am looking at it from the parent of the bride…

I like to think I would try to take into account the likes and dislikes of the bride and the groom. But what needs to be remembered is who is hosting the reception, or yes, who is responsible for the “party.” If the couple are paying for it themselves, by all means, do whatever they want. But as parents of the bride, the hosts of the reception, and the one paying for it, we decide the budget, the number of guests, and what we can afford to offer the bride and groom as our gift to them, not as our obligation to them.

So before anyone throws me under the bus, remember, I said I would try to accommodate their likes and dislikes within our budget.

I think that makes total sense.

I guess what I was thinking, based on the OP, was that somebody was trying a power grab of some kind. Maybe I get a little too pathology-oriented when I read threads here.

If the parents of the bride make an offer to host the reception, but then are completely dismissive of either their child or their child’s intended and his family, I think it would be appropriate for the bride and groom to say, “Thanks but no thanks,” even if that means a backyard picnic instead of a swanky dinner at the country club.

One would hope, though, that that’s an extreme situation.

I believe that the age of the couple tends to enter into this.

It’s very common for older (say, mid-20s and up) brides and grooms to pay for their wedding together themselves.

Another option (which I am considering for our family) is just giving each of our children (regardless of sex) a flat sum (say $10k) and tell them to use it however they like–wedding, new home, car, whatever. On the one hand, you lose control of the wedding process, but on the other hand, it eliminates the issue of cost-overruns (at least for the parents).

I kind of lean towards that myself, though obviously it’s a far way off. The one thing I would add to it, though, is that it’s still very generous to assist with time and planning if the bride and groom wish it. We had a very low-key wedding, but I still got exhausted because I ended up planning and coordinating about 80% of it myself. It would have been really nice to be able to pass off the responsibility for some things to someone else (or have someone besides my husband help out with the minutiae like stuffing favor boxes). I wasn’t a bridezilla and I really wasn’t picky, but oh boy that would have been nice.

 

[lax16]

Thanks for all the replies so far!

I have found a blog on the subject (there’s a blog for everything!) that has been very helpful. Apparently, it is not uncommon for the Groom’s parents to be left out of all decision-making.
It’s not recommended, however.

The suggestion from the blog host(ess) is to “let it go and focus on the rest of your life with the married couple.”

I guess if the groom isn’t willing to take a stand there is nothing that can be done.

Ouch.

 

[Irishmom2]

Thanks for all the replies so far!

I have found a blog on the subject (there’s a blog for everything!) that has been very helpful. Apparently, it is not uncommon for the Groom’s parents to be left out of all decision-making.
It’s not recommended, however.

The suggestion from the blog host(ess) is to “let it go and focus on the rest of your life with the married couple.”

I guess if the groom isn’t willing to take a stand there is nothing that can be done.

Ouch.

Well… It all depends on what kind of decisions you are saying the groom’s parents are being left out of. And what the groom needs to take a stand about.

I think you have a more specific question, or something that you personally may be dealing with?
Should the groom’s parents be asked how many guests are absolutely necessary? Yes.
Where the reception will be? No.
What will the menu will be? Colors of linens? Open bar or not? No.

Do you see what I mean? These are not something the bride’s parents need to consult the groom’s parents about. They will confer with the bride and groom, but since they are not the hosts, the groom’s parents are yes, left out.

I will say this again. Pinterest has really raised the bar of bride expectations. Unless they or the groom’s parents are paying for all of it, they may need to dial back those expectations to reality.

 

[Xantippe]

Well… It all depends on what kind of decisions you are saying the groom’s parents are being left out of. And what the groom needs to take a stand about.

I think you have a more specific question, or something that you personally may be dealing with?
Should the groom’s parents be asked how many guests are absolutely necessary? Yes.
Where the reception will be? No.
What will the menu will be? Colors of linens? Open bar or not? No.

Do you see what I mean? These are not something the bride’s parents need to consult the groom’s parents about. They will confer with the bride and groom, but since they are not the hosts, the groom’s parents are yes, left out.

I will say this again. Pinterest has really raised the bar of bride expectations. Unless they or the groom’s parents are paying for all of it, they may need to dial back those expectations to reality.

Right.

The fewer people that are involved in the decision-making process, the more peaceable everything will be.

 

[Irishmom2]

I have a daughter and 2 sons. I pretty much know all I need to do for a son is the rehearsal dinner, and to show up for the rest! It’s out of my hands.

 

[1ke]

I know that the bride’s parents usually pay for the wedding reception, however do the groom and the groom’s parents have any (name removed by moderator)ut?

What about the number of guests?

That question has as many answers as there are brides and grooms.

What matters is only you and your fiancée, not what others do or don’t do.

 

[1ke]

Thanks for all the replies so far!

I have found a blog on the subject (there’s a blog for everything!) that has been very helpful. Apparently, it is not uncommon for the Groom’s parents to be left out of all decision-making.
It’s not recommended, however.

The suggestion from the blog host(ess) is to “let it go and focus on the rest of your life with the married couple.”

I guess if the groom isn’t willing to take a stand there is nothing that can be done.

Ouch.

A cautionary tale on heeding issues when they come up and not ignoring them. If the bride and her family behave thus, is that really someone you want to be married to?

 

[heidi_storage]

Ultimately, the bride and groom should be making these decisions together. If this means that family members won’t pay for anything…well…then the couple may need to scale back their wedding to something they can afford. The wedding is the start of a joint life in which no family members should be dictating major decisions.

 

[on_the_hill]

It has a lot to do with the relationship of the bride and groom, what their relationships are with their parents and future in-laws. In our case, most things were discussed between everyone, with my wife and I at the center of the decision making.

However, my mother is one of those people who will never intervene in anything unless she’s explicitly asked to, and my dad was just along for the ride.

 

[lax16]

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, my in-laws gave me a laundry list of do’s and don’ts.

My mother told me to honor and respect my future MIL and I accommodated her wishes without complaint. My mother said if I ever spoke against my MIL she would hang up on me. And my parents paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner.

I made allowances for religious differences, family disputes, food preferences, husbands ideas…and it turned out to be a fantastic wedding.

I guess not all families function in the same manner and I will need to accept that.

Do I literally just “show up” and not expect to be consulted at all? I think we are dealing with maybe cultural differences? I will make the most of the situation and not show my hurt feelings.

I am a very flexible person and tend to not mind accommodating others. Maybe this is unrealistic.

 

[Xantippe]

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, my in-laws gave me a laundry list of do’s and don’ts.

My mother told me to honor and respect my future MIL and I accommodated her wishes without complaint. My mother said if I ever spoke against my MIL she would hang up on me. And my parents paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner.

I made allowances for religious differences, family disputes, food preferences, husbands ideas…and it turned out to be a fantastic wedding.

I guess not all families function in the same manner and I will need to accept that.

Do I literally just “show up” and not expect to be consulted at all? I think we are dealing with maybe cultural differences? I will make the most of the situation and not show my hurt feelings.

I am a very flexible person and tend to not mind accommodating others. Maybe this is unrealistic.

In traditional US culture, yeah, if you are the groom’s parents, you do just show up. At most, standard US tradition says that the groom’s parents do the rehearsal dinner.

In practice, things can be more flexible (sometimes the bride and groom pay and plan, sometimes both sides pay and plan), but that’s the traditional minimal. It has the merit of being clean and simple.

But, on the bright side, you have very few responsibilities other than to show up.

When my husband were getting married, his parents were attempting to dictate the wedding date (they wanted a 2 year engagement because allegedly–and I totally don’t believe this–that that was traditional in their culture). They also were trying to dictate wedding size–they had only had about 15-20 people at their wedding in 1970 something and by George, that should be good enough for us. As 20+ was the size of a modest Christmas party on my side of the family, that was not very reasonable. Finally, there was so much grief from my husband’s family that we just did a Catholic elopement and got married with no family and just a handful of guests.

So, I would advise smiling and being low maintenance. That’s the best wedding gift anybody ever gave. (But at the same time, you don’t have to bend over backward or do anything crazy.)