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Xantippe
Guest
I forgot to mention, that was really rude and high-maintenance of your future in-laws. Guests do not dictate to hosts.
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aicirt
Guest
Moms of boys are just as excited for their kids as moms of girls.
When son got married, it was the bride’s family who paid for the wedding. We did the rehersal dinner. We got the vibes early on that we were just an addition. Nothing more. Asked what shall I wear? “Anything you want.”
The more we were excluded, the less we felt like giving. It happens. How the wedding is handled is a good indication on what the relationship will be between the parents and the new couple, and the parents with the other parents. Ours has been poor to nonexistent.
When son got married, it was the bride’s family who paid for the wedding. We did the rehersal dinner. We got the vibes early on that we were just an addition. Nothing more. Asked what shall I wear? “Anything you want.”
The more we were excluded, the less we felt like giving. It happens. How the wedding is handled is a good indication on what the relationship will be between the parents and the new couple, and the parents with the other parents. Ours has been poor to nonexistent.
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Irishmom2
Guest
I think this is the point that a lot of people forget. If the bride’s parents are the hosts, they decide. If both sets of parents are hosting, they decide together, as well as pay. If the bride and groom are doing it themselves, as so many are these days, it’s all up to them.
I don’t have an endless source of funds to say to my daughter “Do whatever your future MIL wants.” So, we will try to do what’s nice for everyone, but that’s the best I can do.
As someone mentioned, this is like a gift to the bride and groom. It is a party in their honor, to include the people they love. Sometimes, it may be the first time families are meeting.
Everyone needs to keep in mind that they are just that: guests. Hopefully they will be as gracious as the hosts are striving to be. Or at least as Miss Manners would suggest.
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TeachCatechism
Guest
Actually most couples pay now. This isn’t the 50’s anymore. The groom has as much right as the bride.
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lax16
Guest
I got married in the 90’s and my parents foot the bill. From the part of the U.S. my parents are from, this is the norm. And the weddings are big, everybody has a say (whether they should or not is another story!
) , and it is a big celebration.
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lax16
Guest
I would say that certain parts of the country (and probably world) have different takes on this. I know of family members that help to pay for weddings because they feel it is so important for their child/niece etc to have a nice wedding.I think this is the point that a lot of people forget. If the bride’s parents are the hosts, they decide. If both sets of parents are hosting, they decide together, as well as pay. If the bride and groom are doing it themselves, as so many are these days, it’s all up to them.
I don’t have an endless source of funds to say to my daughter “Do whatever your future MIL wants.” So, we will try to do what’s nice for everyone, but that’s the best I can do.
As someone mentioned, this is like a gift to the bride and groom. It is a party in their honor, to include the people they love. Sometimes, it may be the first time families are meeting.
Everyone needs to keep in mind that they are just that: guests. Hopefully they will be as gracious as the hosts are striving to be. Or at least as Miss Manners would suggest.
I am trying to be understanding of all viewpoints so that I can focus on being gracious and happy for the couple.
Once I get an idea about how things are, I can move forward in a sincere fashion. Otherwise, I think my feelings would be showing all over the place. Not good!
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lax16
Guest
Yes, I agree. We want to be a part of it and help if possible!Moms of boys are just as excited for their kids as moms of girls.
When son got married, it was the bride’s family who paid for the wedding. We did the rehersal dinner. We got the vibes early on that we were just an addition. Nothing more. Asked what shall I wear? “Anything you want.”
I can see how that would happen. I am going to stay positive, focus on making the rehearsal dinner very nice and be a gracious guest. What else can we do if we are to keep the peace?
Sorry about your relationship with your son and DIL. I wonder about this happening, too.
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Bookcat
Guest
???
When my wife and I were married…we decided everything basically together.
I know there are all sorts of “cultural customs” - so one may find different responses. Different traditions etc.
And I imagine many of which are nonsense- perhaps made up by those who write wedding resources…
When my wife and I were married…we decided everything basically together.
I know there are all sorts of “cultural customs” - so one may find different responses. Different traditions etc.
And I imagine many of which are nonsense- perhaps made up by those who write wedding resources…
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Bookcat
Guest
Here is some words of wisdom from Pope Francis - which I pass on to all who are getting Married…in our current ‘crazy wedding culture’ they are a wonderfully refreshing reminder to Christians who are getting Married:
Here is the article:
Finally, the Holy Father commented that marriage should be a celebration, but a Christian rather than a worldly one.
He offered as an example Jesus’ first miracle at Cana, when he transformed water into wine when the latter appeared to have run out, thus saving the celebrations. “What happened at Cana two thousand years ago, happens in reality at every wedding feast. It is the presence of the Lord, who reveals Himself and the gift of His grace, that will render your marriage full and profoundly true. …
At the same time, it is good for your wedding to be sober and to emphasise that which is truly important. Some people are more concerned with external signs, with the banquet, the dress…
These are important aspects of a feast, but only if they are able to indicate the true reason for your joy: the Lord’s blessing upon your love. Ensure that, like the wine in Cana, the external signs of your wedding feast reveal the presence of the Lord and remind you, and all those presence, of the origin of and reason for your joy”.
~ Pope Francis
Vatican Information Service - Eng - txt visnews_entxt@mlists.vatican.va
(he said more but it would not fit…so I just am noting this last part for it is about the celebration and festivities–and it is posted here as it is related to the topic for all to consider who are approaching getting married.)
(and the term “sober” there is referring not to drinking -though he would say one must also be sober in that way too~!- most especially the bride and groom)
Here is the article:
Finally, the Holy Father commented that marriage should be a celebration, but a Christian rather than a worldly one.
He offered as an example Jesus’ first miracle at Cana, when he transformed water into wine when the latter appeared to have run out, thus saving the celebrations. “What happened at Cana two thousand years ago, happens in reality at every wedding feast. It is the presence of the Lord, who reveals Himself and the gift of His grace, that will render your marriage full and profoundly true. …
At the same time, it is good for your wedding to be sober and to emphasise that which is truly important. Some people are more concerned with external signs, with the banquet, the dress…
These are important aspects of a feast, but only if they are able to indicate the true reason for your joy: the Lord’s blessing upon your love. Ensure that, like the wine in Cana, the external signs of your wedding feast reveal the presence of the Lord and remind you, and all those presence, of the origin of and reason for your joy”.
~ Pope Francis
Vatican Information Service - Eng - txt visnews_entxt@mlists.vatican.va
(he said more but it would not fit…so I just am noting this last part for it is about the celebration and festivities–and it is posted here as it is related to the topic for all to consider who are approaching getting married.)
(and the term “sober” there is referring not to drinking -though he would say one must also be sober in that way too~!- most especially the bride and groom)
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lax16
Guest
She is a handful, even after 23 years of marriage! But, oddly enough, she tells me I am “nice” to her when other’s are not. Meaning: I treat her with love and respect when she knows she is difficult.
But, in our cultures, this is not uncommon. (I have some very funny jokes about Jewsh and Italian mothers-in-law if anyone wants to hear them
)
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Xantippe
Guest
Very good. Be a hostess at the rehearsal dinner and a guest at the wedding.
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lax16
Guest
I say “???” as well!
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lax16
Guest
Great advice. As long as I stay focused on the right things, I’ll be okay.
Posting here and reading everyone’s suggestions is very cathartic. Getting the tears out of the way now instead of at the wedding is a very good thing!
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lax16
Guest
You have the perfect parents!It has a lot to do with the relationship of the bride and groom, what their relationships are with their parents and future in-laws. In our case, most things were discussed between everyone, with my wife and I at the center of the decision making.
However, my mother is one of those people who will never intervene in anything unless she’s explicitly asked to, and my dad was just along for the ride.
My parents are very similar and I really appreciate their thoughtfulness and generosity.
These are the people I want to emulate - the salt of the earth.
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newf
Guest
I’m in the midst of planning a wedding right now. Our daughter is getting married out of state. We are paying for everything…the reception, the flowers, the photographer, the music, and on and on. The groom’s family is paying for the rehearsal dinner.
I only have daughters and this is our third (and last) wedding. It is also the groom’s family’s third wedding and they only have sons. Since his mom and I have both been down this road before, we are very relaxed about how this wedding rolls out. We know that in the end all you really need is the right bride and the right groom. All the rest really doesn’t matter.
I only have daughters and this is our third (and last) wedding. It is also the groom’s family’s third wedding and they only have sons. Since his mom and I have both been down this road before, we are very relaxed about how this wedding rolls out. We know that in the end all you really need is the right bride and the right groom. All the rest really doesn’t matter.
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lax16
Guest
Beautiful. Thank you for this, Bookcat.
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lax16
Guest
Have you asked the groom and their family for any (name removed by moderator)ut? At all?
Congratulations! Weddings are good news.
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Phemie
Guest
I forgot to mention that when DS1 got married we also had no say in anything. He and his bride decided what THEY could afford and did a modest reception. Her parents may have contributed but I don’t think so. They bride and groom wanted to do this on their own.
We did host a rehearsal dinner at a very modest family restaurant close to the rehearsal site.
After the reception they had reservations for dinner at the hotel where most of the family were staying. They invited those who wanted to to join them but it was a ‘pay your own’. Most of the close family went and before anyone had a chance to pay for their dinner, DH slipped out and paid for everyone. Nobody expected that.
We did host a rehearsal dinner at a very modest family restaurant close to the rehearsal site.
After the reception they had reservations for dinner at the hotel where most of the family were staying. They invited those who wanted to to join them but it was a ‘pay your own’. Most of the close family went and before anyone had a chance to pay for their dinner, DH slipped out and paid for everyone. Nobody expected that.
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newf
Guest
Since our bride and groom are 28 and 32 yrs. old, we have left a lot up to them. My husband and I are the official ‘check writers’!Have you asked the groom and their family for any (name removed by moderator)ut? At all?
Congratulations! Weddings are good news.
ha. Between them they know what is important to each family. We are inviting all the people they want. We are giving them the reception they want serving the food they want. And she got the dress she wanted. They are doing all the foot work since we don’t live in the place where the wedding will take place.We met his parents once. They live in a different state than us, not where the wedding is either. They are lovely. I am looking forward to seeing them again at the wedding.
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