Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[newf]

After the reception they had reservations for dinner at the hotel where most of the family were staying. They invited those who wanted to to join them but it was a ‘pay your own’. Most of the close family went and before anyone had a chance to pay for their dinner, DH slipped out and paid for everyone. Nobody expected that.

That is very sweet and classy.

 

[aicirt]

Yes, I agree. We want to be a part of it and help if possible!

I can see how that would happen. I am going to stay positive, focus on making the rehearsal dinner very nice and be a gracious guest. What else can we do if we are to keep the peace?

Sorry about your relationship with your son and DIL. I wonder about this happening, too.

I gave the bride a pearl bracelet to welcome her into the family. Also threw a bridal shower, and had her whole family over for dinner after the engagement was announced.

There is an old saying which I detest, “A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.” My unfortunate experience was that was gospel. It isn’t. Our bond with our son shouldn’t be broken just as he would be remiss, and committing a grave sin, if he insisted she abandon her family. Getting off track and will exit.

 

[pianistclare]

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, my in-laws gave me a laundry list of do’s and don’ts.

My mother told me to honor and respect my future MIL and I accommodated her wishes without complaint. My mother said if I ever spoke against my MIL she would hang up on me. And my parents paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner.

I made allowances for religious differences, family disputes, food preferences, husbands ideas…and it turned out to be a fantastic wedding.

I guess not all families function in the same manner and I will need to accept that.

Do I literally just “show up” and not expect to be consulted at all? I think we are dealing with maybe cultural differences? I will make the most of the situation and not show my hurt feelings.

I am a very flexible person and tend to not mind accommodating others. Maybe this is unrealistic.

The particulars of the wedding itself is just one issue. And a passing one at that.
Your son is getting married. he is beginning a new life, his own autonomous family, and is also being absorbed into another existing family. He’s is not dumping you. if he sides with his wife on something, he is doing the right thing. It’s not about you. If you raised him well, he will put his wife first, and he will respect and sometimes defer to her family’s wishes, and you should do the same. They will often defer/share with you as well.
If you begin thinking things aren’t “fair” now…get ready for years of fighting over holidays, grandchildren, and everything else. That’s a terrible legacy.
You are gaining a daughter and quite possibly a good friend in his mother-in-law.
You have a lot in common. You are keenly interested in your children’s happiness.
Don’t worry about controlling anything in the wedding. The bride’s family will handle most of it.
Just enjoy the day.
You’re gaining a lovely daughter. The mother of your future grandchildren.
That’s more important.

 

[lax16]

The particulars of the wedding itself is just one issue. And a passing one at that.
Your son is getting married. he is beginning a new life, his own autonomous family, and is also being absorbed into another existing family. He’s is not dumping you. if he sides with his wife on something, he is doing the right thing. It’s not about you. If you raised him well, he will put his wife first, and he will respect and sometimes defer to her family’s wishes, and you should do the same. They will often defer/share with you as well.
If you begin thinking things aren’t “fair” now…get ready for years of fighting over holidays, grandchildren, and everything else. That’s a terrible legacy.
You are gaining a daughter and quite possibly a good friend in his mother-in-law.
You have a lot in common. You are keenly interested in your children’s happiness.
Don’t worry about controlling anything in the wedding. The bride’s family will handle most of it.
Just enjoy the day.
You’re gaining a lovely daughter. The mother of your future grandchildren.
That’s more important.

I totally agree here and am not one to think things are “unfair”. I’m more interested in what is customary and usual.

I have a terrible habit of assuming that we all follow certain guidelines, ask for (name removed by moderator)ut and care about each others feelings…I am a little naive sometimes.

All I wanted was to add at least 5 people to the guest list and that we would pay for it. Our son wants something bigger with dancing and music (which we would pay for).

Honestly, if it were me I would accommodate at least one of the these requests, even if I had to sell something to make it work.

However, I am very good at keeping the peace and respecting other people’s way of doing things, even if I disagree.

 

[pianistclare]

I totally agree here and am not one to think things are “unfair”. I’m more interested in what is customary and usual.

I have a terrible habit of assuming that we all follow certain guidelines, ask for (name removed by moderator)ut and care about each others feelings…I am a little naive sometimes.

All I wanted was to add at least 5 people to the guest list and that we would pay for it. Our son wants something bigger with dancing and music (which we would pay for).

Honestly, if it were me I would accommodate at least one of the these requests, even if I had to sell something to make it work.

However, I am very good at keeping the peace and respecting other people’s way of doing things, even if I disagree.

So you asked fro these concessions and was rebuffed?

 

[lax16]

So you asked fro these concessions and was rebuffed?

Our son did, yes.

 

[pianistclare]

Our son did, yes.

Five couple at your expense doesn’t seem out of line. Perhaps you yourself should approach mom and dad.
If they still don’t go for it…I guess that’s that.

 

[lax16]

Five couple at your expense doesn’t seem out of line. Perhaps you yourself should approach mom and dad.
If they still don’t go for it…I guess that’s that.

They are picking a very small venue to purposely keep the numbers down. There will be no room for a dance floor and close relatives will not be invited on both sides due to a lack of space.

The issue may be we find it upsetting and they don’t. We think of a wedding reception as customary and they are more comfortable with a wedding dinner.

Our son has brought it up several times and it hasn’t gone anywhere.

 

[Xantippe]

There is an old saying which I detest, “A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life.” My unfortunate experience was that was gospel. It isn’t. Our bond with our son shouldn’t be broken just as he would be remiss, and committing a grave sin, if he insisted she abandon her family. Getting off track and will exit.

I think that saying is more descriptive than prescriptive–it’s not what ought to be, but what often is.

Generalizing wildly, I think the reason is that a lot of the time, women have stronger bonds between each other and work harder at their relationships. So in a mother-daughter relationship, both women are often making an effort to work at the relationship, while with a mother-son relationship, often only one party is making an effort. With a father-son or brother-brother relationship, the worst case scenario is that neither one is doing the work. (For a less charged example than MIL-DIL, my sister and I frequently call each other. My brother and I don’t. In fact, most contact is between me and his wife when we discuss travel and gift arrangements via email. If there were to be more interaction between our families, I would have to be the one to do it.)

A lot of the time, the wife is in charge of managing and preserving the family’s relationships. For instance, I often ask my husband, “Have you talked to your parents lately?” whereas my husband never asks me if I’ve talked to my parents lately. So, it’s not necessarily a question of the new DIL doing something evil if the mother-son relationship dwindles a bit–it may be more a question of her not doing something (not encouraging her husband to talk to his family).

 

[Xantippe]

I totally agree here and am not one to think things are “unfair”. I’m more interested in what is customary and usual.

I have a terrible habit of assuming that we all follow certain guidelines, ask for (name removed by moderator)ut and care about each others feelings…I am a little naive sometimes.

All I wanted was to add at least 5 people to the guest list and that we would pay for it. Our son wants something bigger with dancing and music (which we would pay for).

Honestly, if it were me I would accommodate at least one of the these requests, even if I had to sell something to make it work.

However, I am very good at keeping the peace and respecting other people’s way of doing things, even if I disagree.

There doesn’t seem to be a very easy compromise between

A. small wedding with small dinner afterward for an intimate circle

B. big loud wedding with music and dancing

Also, your requests are mostly for things that would all go together: (more people, bigger venue, music, dancing, etc). It’s hard to separate those things out and it would totally change the character of the wedding.

I suspect that at least one or more of your prospective in-laws are quiet, introspective people whose nerves are jangled by noise and commotion. Your fun wedding probably sounds like the pit of hell to at least one of them. (There are some people like that in my family.)

You might be able to persuade them to take another couple or two, but for a really small wedding, five couples is really pushing it.

How about throwing them a first anniversary party with dancing and music and a larger guest list?

 

[Phemie]

A lot of the time, the wife is in charge of managing and preserving the family’s relationships. For instance, I often ask my husband, “Have you talked to your parents lately?” whereas my husband never asks me if I’ve talked to my parents lately. So, it’s not necessarily a question of the new DIL doing something evil if the mother-son relationship dwindles a bit–it may be more a question of her not doing something (not encouraging her husband to talk to his family).

It used to drive MY MOTHER nuts that we’d come home for a long weekend and DH would still not have gone home to see his parents (who lived 6 miles away) by Saturday afternoon. She’d complain to me, “M. hasn’t gone to see his parents yet. They’re going to think we/you are keeping him from seeing them.”

I never gave that much thought until my brother came to me with tears in his eyes and said, “I just went with M. to his parents’ house. I watched him walk in there a Captain in the Armed Forces and within an hour his father had reduced him to a twelve year old boy. I’m going to tell Mom that in the future she’s to leave him alone about visiting them.”

I must say that when we planned our own wedding I paid for quite a bit of it myself. My MIL helped me choose a pattern for my gown. She, Mom and I went to shop for the material and then she sewed my gown. She baked my cake and my aunt decorated it. She drove me places since she had her own car and my mom didn’t and I didn’t drive. I could never fault her as she didn’t interfere in any way.

 

[Xantippe]

It used to drive MY MOTHER nuts that we’d come home for a long weekend and DH would still not have gone home to see his parents (who lived 6 miles away) by Saturday afternoon. She’d complain to me, “M. hasn’t gone to see his parents yet. They’re going to think we/you are keeping him from seeing them.”

I never gave that much thought until my brother came to me with tears in his eyes and said, “I just went with M. to his parents’ house. I watched him walk in there a Captain in the Armed Forces and within an hour his father had reduced him to a twelve year old boy. I’m going to tell Mom that in the future she’s to leave him alone about visiting them.”

**Oh, dear.

Related: one of my aunties was in the habit of calling her newlywed son every single day just as he walked in the door from work. Fortunately, someone finally spoke up and got her to stop doing that. She’s a sweet, wonderful person, but that was a bit tactless of her. Auntie has hurt her relationships with her sons by not respecting their space. One of them moved, not coincidentally, out of the contiguous US. **

I must say that when we planned our own wedding I paid for quite a bit of it myself. My MIL helped me choose a pattern for my gown. She, Mom and I went to shop for the material and then she sewed my gown. She baked my cake and my aunt decorated it. She drove me places since she had her own car and my mom didn’t and I didn’t drive. I could never fault her as she didn’t interfere in any way.

That’s so sweet!

 

[aicirt]

They are picking a very small venue to purposely keep the numbers down. There will be no room for a dance floor and close relatives will not be invited on both sides due to a lack of space.

The issue may be we find it upsetting and they don’t. We think of a wedding reception as customary and they are more comfortable with a wedding dinner.

Our son has brought it up several times and it hasn’t gone anywhere.

If no relatives are to be invited, I think you will have to throw a party for the couple when they return from the honeymoon. Then you can have what you want…dancing etc. You’ve offered to pay, your son has suggested it a couple of times, you are not getting a positive feed back so drop it. Have a party to introduce them to his side of the family. I’d suggest that you could have a more elaborate rehersal dinner but that might be seen as outshining the wedding and you don’t want to do that.

 

[Xantippe]

If no relatives are to be invited, I think you will have to throw a party for the couple when they return from the honeymoon. Then you can have what you want…dancing etc. You’ve offered to pay, your son has suggested it a couple of times, you are not getting a positive feed back so drop it. Have a party to introduce them to his side of the family. I’d suggest that you could have a more elaborate rehersal dinner but that might be seen as outshining the wedding and you don’t want to do that.

Yes!

 

[aicirt]

I think that saying is more descriptive than prescriptive–it’s not what ought to be, but what often is.

Generalizing wildly, I think the reason is that a lot of the time, women have stronger bonds between each other and work harder at their relationships. So in a mother-daughter relationship, both women are often making an effort to work at the relationship, while with a mother-son relationship, often only one party is making an effort. With a father-son or brother-brother relationship, the worst case scenario is that neither one is doing the work. (For a less charged example than MIL-DIL, my sister and I frequently call each other. My brother and I don’t. In fact, most contact is between me and his wife when we discuss travel and gift arrangements via email. If there were to be more interaction between our families, I would have to be the one to do it.)

A lot of the time, the wife is in charge of managing and preserving the family’s relationships. For instance, I often ask my husband, “Have you talked to your parents lately?” whereas my husband never asks me if I’ve talked to my parents lately. So, it’s not necessarily a question of the new DIL doing something evil if the mother-son relationship dwindles a bit–it may be more a question of her not doing something (not encouraging her husband to talk to his family).

I’ve had a couple of people quote that line about sons and daughters basically telling me mothers of sons expect too much. If I had a DIL who was not in contact with her family, I’d be suggesting she do so.
What I’m referring to is the tearing apart of a family. If a man demanded that his new wife not see her family, we’d say the wife was emotionally abused. Society needs to look at the women who do this to their husbands. There’s a lot of it out there and it has not been addressed. Check out A SON IS A SON TILL HE GETS A WIE by Anne Kathryn Killinger. Her husband is a Methodist minister and they lost their son and grandkids because the wife didn’t want her husband to have anything to do with his family. Stockholm syndrome?
Very close to it.

 

[lax16]

If no relatives are to be invited, I think you will have to throw a party for the couple when they return from the honeymoon. Then you can have what you want…dancing etc. You’ve offered to pay, your son has suggested it a couple of times, you are not getting a positive feed back so drop it. Have a party to introduce them to his side of the family. I’d suggest that you could have a more elaborate rehersal dinner but that might be seen as outshining the wedding and you don’t want to do that.

That’s a great idea. The issue has been dropped (from me) a couple of days ago.

 

[Irishmom2]

If no relatives are to be invited, I think you will have to throw a party for the couple when they return from the honeymoon. Then you can have what you want…dancing etc. You’ve offered to pay, your son has suggested it a couple of times, you are not getting a positive feed back so drop it. Have a party to introduce them to his side of the family. I’d suggest that you could have a more elaborate rehersal dinner but that might be seen as outshining the wedding and you don’t want to do that.

That’s a great idea!

 

[Xantippe]

I’ve had a couple of people quote that line about sons and daughters basically telling me mothers of sons expect too much. If I had a DIL who was not in contact with her family, I’d be suggesting she do so.

Well, as per Phemie’s story, there may be excellent reasons why people aren’t in close touch with their family of origin.

What I’m referring to is the tearing apart of a family. If a man demanded that his new wife not see her family, we’d say the wife was emotionally abused. Society needs to look at the women who do this to their husbands. There’s a lot of it out there and it has not been addressed. Check out A SON IS A SON TILL HE GETS A WIE by Anne Kathryn Killinger. Her husband is a Methodist minister and they lost their son and grandkids because the wife didn’t want her husband to have anything to do with his family. Stockholm syndrome?
Very close to it.

I read some of the Amazon reviews.

Good gracious, if a woman wants to improve a relationship with her son and DIL, writing a book about how evil her DIL is is not a good move.

 

[lax16]

There doesn’t seem to be a very easy compromise between

A. small wedding with small dinner afterward for an intimate circle

B. big loud wedding with music and dancing

Also, your requests are mostly for things that would all go together: (more people, bigger venue, music, dancing, etc). It’s hard to separate those things out and it would totally change the character of the wedding.

I suspect that at least one or more of your prospective in-laws are quiet, introspective people whose nerves are jangled by noise and commotion. Your fun wedding probably sounds like the pit of hell to at least one of them. (There are some people like that in my family.)

You might be able to persuade them to take another couple or two, but for a really small wedding, five couples is really pushing it.

How about throwing them a first anniversary party with dancing and music and a larger guest list?

My son wants the bigger wedding with music and dancing.

I just want my elderly aunts and uncles to be invited (4 people).

I never said five couples?

I had the same thought that the other family may have some introverted members which is understandable. But in our loud, extroverted family, we provide earplugs!

Having a first anniversary party is a great idea!

 

[lax16]

If no relatives are to be invited, I think you will have to throw a party for the couple when they return from the honeymoon. Then you can have what you want…dancing etc. You’ve offered to pay, your son has suggested it a couple of times, you are not getting a positive feed back so drop it. Have a party to introduce them to his side of the family. I’d suggest that you could have a more elaborate rehersal dinner but that might be seen as outshining the wedding and you don’t want to do that.

Yes, I was thinking a rehearsal dinner -cocktail party -pool- side. Maybe a little musical trio or something. Nothing formal but maybe a little more lively.

It always pays to think out of the box!