Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[lax16]

You guys make me feel better!!!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

My son wants the bigger wedding with music and dancing.

I just want my elderly aunts and uncles to be invited (4 people).

I never said five couples?

I had the same thought that the other family may have some introverted members which is understandable. But in our loud, extroverted family, we provide earplugs!

Having a first anniversary party is a great idea!

Have the invites gone out yet? There has to be at least 4 people that will decline. Maybe bring that up? You could squeeze in 4 people.

Your requests don’t sound unreasonable. I’m Italian American, and we just don’t have wedding without dancing and music.

 

[Irishmom2]

Have the invites gone out yet? There has to be at least 4 people that will decline. Maybe bring that up? You could squeeze in 4 people.

Your requests don’t sound unreasonable. I’m Italian American, and we just don’t have wedding without dancing and music.

I am with you, Mary Gail! At an Italian American wedding, what’s 4 more people? That’s nothing! And yes, you gotta have music and dancing or else, it’s just a meal.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I got married in the 90’s and my parents foot the bill. From the part of the U.S. my parents are from, this is the norm. And the weddings are big, everybody has a say (whether they should or not is another story! ) , and it is a big celebration.

Out here the couple pays and that makes sense. My brother and sister in law got married in 2000 and they paid for most but both sets of parents added money. Honestly if the bride’s parents are footing the bill the couple is probably too young to marry. If I marry my parents will give me money but expect me to pay for most of it. Even so, the person paying makes the finsl decision.

 

[Allegra]

Since both my husband’s and my parents are divorced and remarried, my mother suggested that each couple give us $2000 and let us plan the wedding the way we wanted it, in order to avoid the drama. It worked pretty well, though my father-in-law had a problem with giving us cash and insisted on writing a check to the hotel. We had our wedding at a hotel and the hotel restaurant actually catered our rehearsal dinner as well, which we had on a boat. In his mind, he was paying for the rehearsal dinner, so everyone was happy. He did try to make some demands on us. He wanted us to have a live band and not a DJ, and he insisted that it was “traditional” to put an ad in the paper and invite anyone who is interested to attend the reception. Yeah, we didn’t do either of those things.

 

[Xantippe]

He did try to make some demands on us. He wanted us to have a live band and not a DJ, and he insisted that it was “traditional” to put an ad in the paper and invite anyone who is interested to attend the reception. Yeah, we didn’t do either of those things.

I think I may have seen those kinds of ads in the local paper when I was a kid, but that was a long time ago and it was a small town.

 

[TeachCatechism]

That strange to place ads. My small town has a weird tradition and that is to open the local reception area to anyone to attend. This happens after the dinner but seems strange.

I do think it’s wrong that people are fighting who to invite though. My parents had the opposite because my moms parents were paying but it was a big wedding (700 people) and my grandpa was in upper management at Ford. My paternal grandmother insisted they added these people my parents didn’t know. It was her sister in law’s family (my paternal grandfather’s brothers’ wife, yeah this is bizarre) who insisted on being invited. My parents didn’t even know them but did it not to cause friction. My paternal grandmother didn’t know them either.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I totally agree here and am not one to think things are “unfair”. I’m more interested in what is customary and usual.

I think it is fair to say there is no more such things as ‘customary and usual’ about weddings anymore

I have a terrible habit of assuming that we all follow certain guidelines, ask for (name removed by moderator)ut and care about each others feelings…I am a little naive sometimes…

Yes, we all have different perspectives. If I was to organize a party, I DON"T ask what people what because I have learnt that everyone has a different opinion and I can not accommodate everyone. I do what I can manage and take on the attitude ‘people who don’t like it don’t have to come’. I live with the fact some people will decline my invite

All I wanted was to add at least 5 people to the guest list and that we would pay for it. Our son wants something bigger with dancing and music (which we would pay for)…

With all due respect, the couple getting married need to do what is best for them. I am assuming your son and his fiancée have discussed this at length and for whatever reason, they have decided to agree to the bride’s parents paying and making the decisions. DS does not owe you an explanation as to why he is going along with letting his in-laws make all the decisions and you may never know why it is so. Just one of those things you need to let go of

Honestly, if it were me I would accommodate at least one of the these requests, even if I had to sell something to make it work.

just because YOU would sell something to accommodate someone else’s request does not give you the right to expect others to do the same

However, I am very good at keeping the peace and respecting other people’s way of doing things, even if I disagree.

I am sure you will do just fine at being gracious at the wedding. However, for your own peace of mind, work just as hard at not harboring any resentments in your heart

Angie

 

[lax16]

That strange to place ads. My small town has a weird tradition and that is to open the local reception area to anyone to attend. This happens after the dinner but seems strange.

I do think it’s wrong that people are fighting who to invite though. My parents had the opposite because my moms parents were paying but it was a big wedding (700 people) and my grandpa was in upper management at Ford. My paternal grandmother insisted they added these people my parents didn’t know. It was her sister in law’s family (my paternal grandfather’s brothers’ wife, yeah this is bizarre) who insisted on being invited. My parents didn’t even know them but did it not to cause friction. My paternal grandmother didn’t know them either.

There is no fighting about who to invite. I will not do that.

I was just wondering if the groom and his parents should be consulted at all.

 

[lax16]

I think it is fair to say there is no more such things as ‘customary and usual’ about weddings anymore

Yes, we all have different perspectives. If I was to organize a party, I DON"T ask what people what because I have learnt that everyone has a different opinion and I can not accommodate everyone. I do what I can manage and take on the attitude ‘people who don’t like it don’t have to come’. I live with the fact some people will decline my invite

With all due respect, the couple getting married need to do what is best for them. I am assuming your son and his fiancée have discussed this at length and for whatever reason, they have decided to agree to the bride’s parents paying and making the decisions. DS does not owe you an explanation as to why he is going along with letting his in-laws make all the decisions and you may never know why it is so. Just one of those things you need to let go of

Honestly, if it were me I would accommodate at least one of the these requests, even if I had to sell something to make it work.

just because YOU would sell something to accommodate someone else’s request does not give you the right to expect others to do the same

I am sure you will do just fine at being gracious at the wedding. However, for your own peace of mind, work just as hard at not harboring any resentments in your heart

Angie

I will not harbor resentment. I am not that way. I am focusing on the positive.

I know we all have different perspectives - that’s why I am asking for (name removed by moderator)ut!

I grew up going to big, ethnic weddings that were fabulous! However, there are many ways to have a beautiful wedding.

 

[lax16]

Have the invites gone out yet? There has to be at least 4 people that will decline. Maybe bring that up? You could squeeze in 4 people.

Your requests don’t sound unreasonable. I’m Italian American, and we just don’t have wedding without dancing and music.

I’m Italian American, too! With a Jewish husband. Yes!!! Dancing, music, food…

 

[lax16]

I am with you, Mary Gail! At an Italian American wedding, what’s 4 more people? That’s nothing! And yes, you gotta have music and dancing or else, it’s just a meal.

Now you get where I’m coming from! New York Italian/Jewish/Irish weddings.

What can I say? It’s hard to give it up!

But, I will.

 

[EasterJoy]

There is no fighting about who to invite. I will not do that.

I was just wondering if the groom and his parents should be consulted at all.

For the wedding “model” upon which today’s “traditional wedding” is based, the duty and honor of hosting the reception belonged to the bride’s parents alone. As the hosts, they decided on the particulars of the event, they were the ones who issued invitations, and they paid for everything. There was probably a time in which the bride herself was not given all that many of the decisions.

We have not been in those times for at least 25 years, and yet some people insist that those rules are still “the right” rules. These days, things are both far more flexible and far more dicey with regards to protocol. When you have “flexibility,” after all, you are expected to flex. Expectations can clash; expectations can be mutually exclusive. Pretending there is no protocol is more difficult than putting on a state dinner that reconciles the protocol requirements of three actual countries. Why? Because families rarely have diplomats, let alone experienced diplomats.

Let your son lead, and hang on tight. Good luck!

 

[TeachCatechism]

There is no fighting about who to invite. I will not do that.

I was just wondering if the groom and his parents should be consulted at all.

Well you should be but they are being nasty. Are you paying for anything or were you asked to help pay?

 

[aicirt]

I read some of the Amazon reviews.

Good gracious, if a woman wants to improve a relationship with her son and DIL, writing a book about how evil her DIL is is not a good move.

Exactly. There comes a time, after many years, when you know this is never going to change. Killinger got to that point and chose to help those going through a similiar ordeal. She was invited to speak and 200 people showed up. She validated the feelings of those who have been going through the same thing. Thank God for her. At the end of the meeting, her husband, a minister, got up to give the closing blessing and said, “You can feel the pain in this room.”

A lady, also estranged from her son, had organized a group with the support of a parish priest. The priest’s family, parents and siblings, had experienced the same from his SIL. He understood. Thank God for him. The group was formed and Killinger was asked to speak.

Yes, it is an evil. There is much information on battered women and their rights. There is little on this subject. If men suspect there is something wrong, there is no way for them to get validation because it isn’t discussed. My son knew something was amiss but, when he came to me, I told him she was just nervous and insecure. He told the priest in Cana that jealousy would ruin their marriage. Priest thought he was talking about his jealousy. He didn’t understand what he meant either.

Right now, I don’t think there is a better book on the subject. We have to educate ourselves.

 

[Irishmom2]

Now you get where I’m coming from! New York Italian/Jewish/Irish weddings.

What can I say? It’s hard to give it up!

But, I will.

That’s me too! Irish/Italian. But where we live now, no one even knows what their background is, people don’t even dress up that much for weddings. Except the bridal party. It’s kind of weird. When my daughter gets married though, it is going to be full out NY style, lol!

 

[Irishmom2]

Honestly if the bride’s parents are footing the bill the couple is probably too young to marry.

I do not think this is necessarily true. Again, some parents view this as a gift to the bridal couple. They provide what they can afford.

I believe couples started paying for their own weddings because they were marrying later, after they had already moved out of their parents homes, and in some cases, having already been living together with their future spouse. Somewhere along the way, Bridezillas came about as well, demanding more and more than some parents could afford, and the only way to finance such a shindig was to pay for it themselves, or with help.

So, there are many ways “to get there from here.”

 

[Lorelei12]

They are picking a very small venue to purposely keep the numbers down. There will be no room for a dance floor and close relatives will not be invited on both sides due to a lack of space.

The issue may be we find it upsetting and they don’t. We think of a wedding reception as customary and they are more comfortable with a wedding dinner.

Our son has brought it up several times and it hasn’t gone anywhere.

Our wedding was small, and there was no dancing, so it was more like a nice meal with family and friends instead of a big party. That was how my husband and I wanted it, but my MIL really pushed for the dancing. I am so glad I married a man who can say “No, mom, that’s not what we are doing.” We were planning on paying ourselves anyway, and my parents ended up offering to pay for the reception. Even if you know that your son wants a large party-like reception, if he and his fiancee have decided on where to have it with her parents (who ARE footing the bill), you need to respect that. To answer your question, I really think that if the groom’s family is not paying for any part of the reception, they don’t get to decide how large the venue is.

Is it possible that her family has also excluded some family members due to space, and doesn’t want to have to answer questions about “how come groom’s great aunt got to come, but Great Aunt Evelyn was left out?” Maybe they are just trying to be fair.

If you handle this with grace and acceptance that your son is now “leaving and cleaving”, you have an opportunity to set a good tone for your relationship with them going forward. Let your son and future daughter in law make decisions on their own (within the parameters set by those who are paying) and try not to push him to be a go-between.

 

[Xantippe]

I do not think this is necessarily true. Again, some parents view this as a gift to the bridal couple. They provide what they can afford.

I believe couples started paying for their own weddings because they were marrying later, after they had already moved out of their parents homes, and in some cases, having already been living together with their future spouse. Somewhere along the way, Bridezillas came about as well, demanding more and more than some parents could afford, and the only way to finance such a shindig was to pay for it themselves, or with help.

So, there are many ways “to get there from here.”

Yes.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I will not harbor resentment. I am not that way. I am focusing on the positive…

I didn’t mean to offend you, I totally believe you are positive

I know we all have different perspectives - that’s why I am asking for (name removed by moderator)ut!.

I suppose this is the issue. Asking people on an internet forum will give you the internet forum’s perspective. Your future in-laws could have a different perspective from us. And it sounds like they do. They want a small wedding and will not budge. I am not saying they are right. However, I am saying that at the end of the day, it is up to your son how much he wants to go with his in-laws wishes and how much he wants to change things.

If your son is always crying on your shoulder that he can not have a say in the matter, then I would tell him to really think if this is the type of future he wants ie being told by in-laws what to do. However, if your son is disappointed but wants to go with the flow, then there really is no issue