Wedding Reception: How Much Does The Groom's Wishes Count?

[pianistclare]

They are picking a very small venue to purposely keep the numbers down. There will be no room for a dance floor and close relatives will not be invited on both sides due to a lack of space.

The issue may be we find it upsetting and they don’t. We think of a wedding reception as customary and they are more comfortable with a wedding dinner.

Our son has brought it up several times and it hasn’t gone anywhere.

Well then it’s settled. You’re not going to get your way. Move on.
Don’t let this be a sour start to this relationship. As I said before you are gaining a daughter.
Cherish her.

 

[Xantippe]

If your son is always crying on your shoulder that he can not have a say in the matter, then I would tell him to really think if this is the type of future he wants ie being told by in-laws what to do. However, if your son is disappointed but wants to go with the flow, then there really is no issue

Right.

Now is the time to give the groom that talk that the OP’s mom told her about her future MIL–no running to mom to complain about in-laws!

 

[Phemie]

Right.

Now is the time to give the groom that talk that the OP’s mom told her about her future MIL–no running to mom to complain about in-laws!

My mom went further than that: “No running to mom unless he’s beating you. I don’t want to hear about any fights you may have, those are between the two of you. Don’t expect to run to us and have us take your side.”

 

[lax16]

For the wedding “model” upon which today’s “traditional wedding” is based, the duty and honor of hosting the reception belonged to the bride’s parents alone. As the hosts, they decided on the particulars of the event, they were the ones who issued invitations, and they paid for everything. There was probably a time in which the bride herself was not given all that many of the decisions.

We have not been in those times for at least 25 years, and yet some people insist that those rules are still “the right” rules. These days, things are both far more flexible and far more dicey with regards to protocol. When you have “flexibility,” after all, you are expected to flex. Expectations can clash; expectations can be mutually exclusive. Pretending there is no protocol is more difficult than putting on a state dinner that reconciles the protocol requirements of three actual countries. Why? Because families rarely have diplomats, let alone experienced diplomats.

Let your son lead, and hang on tight. Good luck!

Again, my experience has been a “blending” of the two families wishes, with the bride choosing colors, flowers, etc but definitely open to listening to others.

I am letting my son lead. Hang on tight is great advice!

 

[lax16]

Right.

Now is the time to give the groom that talk that the OP’s mom told her about her future MIL–no running to mom to complain about in-laws!

He is definitely not complaining, just frustrated. He is very fond of his future in-laws.

I will say it if necessary, but so far he is being very respectful towards their views, even though he disagrees.

 

[lax16]

Well then it’s settled. You’re not going to get your way. Move on.
Don’t let this be a sour start to this relationship. As I said before you are gaining a daughter.
Cherish her.

I have no intention of letting this sour relationships. Have I given the impression that I am going to? I sure hope not!

 

[lax16]

I didn’t mean to offend you, I totally believe you are positive

I suppose this is the issue. Asking people on an internet forum will give you the internet forum’s perspective. Your future in-laws could have a different perspective from us. And it sounds like they do. They want a small wedding and will not budge. I am not saying they are right. However, I am saying that at the end of the day, it is up to your son how much he wants to go with his in-laws wishes and how much he wants to change things.

If your son is always crying on your shoulder that he can not have a say in the matter, then I would tell him to really think if this is the type of future he wants ie being told by in-laws what to do. However, if your son is disappointed but wants to go with the flow, then there really is no issue

I’m asking Catholics on a Catholic forum because it is anonymous and I think I will get good advice from people who “get it”.

I can’t ask the bride’s parents and I need someone to talk to. I don’t want to sour my own family on my future DIL so I am not discussing it with them.

My son is not always crying on my shoulder. Did I give that impression?
He told me that he wants x,y,z at his wedding, expressed it to his girlfriend and they are moving ahead with their own plans. I am his mom so I am not surprised he would share this with me.

The bride’s parents are wonderful people from what I hear. I agree, if my son is willing to go along then certainly we will just focus on the rehearsal dinner.

Hearing everyone’s advice and (name removed by moderator)ut has helped immensely!!

 

[lax16]

Our wedding was small, and there was no dancing, so it was more like a nice meal with family and friends instead of a big party. That was how my husband and I wanted it, but my MIL really pushed for the dancing. I am so glad I married a man who can say “No, mom, that’s not what we are doing.” We were planning on paying ourselves anyway, and my parents ended up offering to pay for the reception. Even if you know that your son wants a large party-like reception, if he and his fiancee have decided on where to have it with her parents (who ARE footing the bill), you need to respect that. To answer your question, I really think that if the groom’s family is not paying for any part of the reception, they don’t get to decide how large the venue is.

Is it possible that her family has also excluded some family members due to space, and doesn’t want to have to answer questions about “how come groom’s great aunt got to come, but Great Aunt Evelyn was left out?” Maybe they are just trying to be fair.

If you handle this with grace and acceptance that your son is now “leaving and cleaving”, you have an opportunity to set a good tone for your relationship with them going forward. Let your son and future daughter in law make decisions on their own (within the parameters set by those who are paying) and try not to push him to be a go-between.

I have every intention of setting a good tone and will make that a top priority.

I am not sure why they want a small dinner instead of a larger reception.

The bride and groom are expected to pay for part of it as well, which means my husband and I will be paying for part of it.

I agree they should make their own decisions, but she and her father are leaving my son out of the decisions.

It sure gets complicated!!

 

[lax16]

I don’t know if I mentioned this…(new development)

The bride’s father is asking our son to kick in money for the reception. Which means my husband and I are paying because our son is finishing up college.

Doesn’t that mean we should have at least a little (name removed by moderator)ut?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I’m asking Catholics on a Catholic forum because it is anonymous and I think I will get good advice from people who “get it”.

And this is where I am confused. Exactly what do we ‘get’ that DS’s in-laws don’t ‘get’

I can’t ask the bride’s parents and I need someone to talk to. I don’t want to sour my own family on my future DIL so I am not discussing it with them.

But if you can’t ask the in-laws, then that means it will be a life of non-communication with them. I am not sure what you want to discuss with us is it ‘how to change the inlaws minds’ ? or how to accept the situation

My son is not always crying on my shoulder. Did I give that impression?.

You did NOT give that impression, I was simply trying to figure out your son’s stance on things

The bride’s parents are wonderful people from what I hear. I agree,** if my son is willing to go along then certainly we will just focus on the rehearsal dinner.**

Which leads to my question : Then what are you asking from us?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I
I am not sure why they want a small dinner instead of a larger reception.

And this is what confuses me. Why do you NEED to know why they prefer a small dinner?

 

[Anglewannabe]

I don’t know if I mentioned this…(new development)

The bride’s father is asking our son to kick in money for the reception. Which means my husband and I are paying because our son is finishing up college.

Doesn’t that mean we should have at least a little (name removed by moderator)ut?

yes

 

[newf]

I don’t know if I mentioned this…(new development)

The bride’s father is asking our son to kick in money for the reception. Which means my husband and I are paying because our son is finishing up college.

Doesn’t that mean we should have at least a little (name removed by moderator)ut? /QUOTE

Yes, you get a say if you are contributing. But if the wedding is so small and the bride’s father still can’t cover it himself, this tells me they don’t have much money. Maybe it’s a dignity issue for him.

I think your son should tell the dad that he doesn’t have the funds and that he needs to talk to you and your husband who are very willing to assist. That should open the door for communication.

 

[lax16]

And this is what confuses me. Why do you NEED to know why they prefer a small dinner?

I don’t need to know why. It is definitely something they prefer.

As I said before, maybe it is for personal reasons (introverts) or maybe it’s financial.

I just wanted to know if it is typical to leave the groom and his parents out of the wedding plans. I say no, but it is good to hear other opinions.

 

[lax16]

lax16;13201451:

I don’t know if I mentioned this…(new development)

The bride’s father is asking our son to kick in money for the reception. Which means my husband and I are paying because our son is finishing up college.

Doesn’t that mean we should have at least a little (name removed by moderator)ut?

Yes, I don’t want to make an issue and put anyone on the spot.

I think my son has said it all, but who knows?

 

[TeachCatechism]

I do not think this is necessarily true. Again, some parents view this as a gift to the bridal couple. They provide what they can afford.

I believe couples started paying for their own weddings because they were marrying later, after they had already moved out of their parents homes, and in some cases, having already been living together with their future spouse. Somewhere along the way, Bridezillas came about as well, demanding more and more than some parents could afford, and the only way to finance such a shindig was to pay for it themselves, or with help.

So, there are many ways “to get there from here.”

Maybe but I’m of the belief you should have the wedding one can afford. Those I know who all had big weddings were marrying later and paid for it. I’m not one who thinks what is happening with bridezillas is a good thing. But traditionally the bride’s parents paid because she wasn’t going to be a paid worker.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I don’t know if I mentioned this…(new development)

The bride’s father is asking our son to kick in money for the reception. Which means my husband and I are paying because our son is finishing up college.

Doesn’t that mean we should have at least a little (name removed by moderator)ut?

No offense but sounds like he’s way too young to marry. Not to mention way too many issues. Yes then you should have (name removed by moderator)ut about things if you are giving money. Couldn’t they wait a few years to marry until he finishes college at least? I fear he will be divorced.

 

[Phemie]

No offense but sounds like he’s way too young to marry. Not to mention way too many issues. Yes then you should have (name removed by moderator)ut about things if you are giving money. Couldn’t they wait a few years to marry until he finishes college at least? I fear he will be divorced.

Good grief, he could be completing his PhD for all you know.

 

[lax16]

And this is where I am confused. Exactly what do we ‘get’ that DS’s in-laws don’t ‘get’

I didn’t say the in- laws don’t get it. I haven’t spoken with them directly but I certainly would not ask them “How Much Does the Groom Wishes Matter?”

But if you can’t ask the in-laws, then that means it will be a life of non-communication with them. I am not sure what you want to discuss with us is it ‘how to change the inlaws minds’ ? or how to accept the situation

I am under the distinct impression that the father is very clear with his wishes and they are not to be challenged. Or so it seems. Things might evolve!

You did NOT give that impression, I was simply trying to figure out your son’s stance on things

Our son seems to want to please her parents and not make waves. Not sure if this good or bad

Which leads to my question : Then what are you asking from us?

I am asking the opinions of other Catholics if they think the groom and his parents should be able to give (name removed by moderator)ut on the wedding reception.

 

[lax16]

Good grief, he could be completing his PhD for all you know.

No, just undergraduate studies.