Wedding registry

[PatriceA]

We actually have given away several items- the rest are things like fancy dishes we have no use for at the time being but maybe later on we will. Of course we are very appreciative of our guests’ thoughtfulness, but I don’t imagine anyone who gave us gifts intended for us to give them away to begin with.

It just doesn’t seem like a couple can do anything right. You don’t create a registry, people complain that they don’t know what to get you or that you must just be looking for money. So you create one, and people get you things you didn’t really want, and then you end up giving them away or they don’t get used. When I attend a wedding, it’s because I love the people who are getting married and I want to give them something they want- if they don’t need an overpriced blender or new sheets, and prefer not to amass a bunch of stuff, I’d rather give them money so they can do what they want with it. I can never understand why people insist upon giving actual gifts that the couple doesn’t even really want.

Don’t register for things you don’t really want.

I talked about this in another wedding thread, but my husband’s grandmother insisted she had to buy us a HUGE crystal punch bowel with 8 crystal mugs. I have never used it, it looks like something that should be on Downton Abbey. BUT, it meant the world to my macho husband because it came from his grandmother, means more now because she has passed. I don’t know why she thought we needed this gift. She gave my SIL, my husband’s sister a quilt, nothing really fancy, one you can get at JcPenney’s. At the time I would have preferred the quilt. But as the years go by, every time I look at the box with the punch bowel in it, I appreciate my husband’s grandmother more and more, the actual person and not the gift. The punch bowel has been a source of jokes, reminiscing and speculation about when we might use her gift finally. Maybe in her quirkiness, she might have the last laugh on us or her gift might be the best thing we ever got. I don’t know, time will tell and I look forward to how this will play out.

I think I’ve grown to appreciate wedding registries since I was a bride. Its a reflection to me of the blending of families and traditions of the generations that came before me. Sometimes the gift is a reflection of the person and not so much a reflection of the wedding couple. The list wasn’t always about just me and my husband.

 

[Xantippe]

“Not only is it considered a bit inconsiderate to bring gifts or cards to the reception, but the “wishing well” screams “money deposit box” to me.”

Oh yes.

If you look at etiquette books, you are not allowed to mention your registry or donations in the wedding invitations, and you’re not even allowed to say “no gifts”. I don’t know about your wedding website, but presumably the same principle holds there, too. You’re not supposed to make it sound like you think that your guests are obligated to give you stuff. The registry is mentioned by word of mouth to keep it from sounding like a gift grab.

“I’ve been married 24 years now and I could do a registry in a heartbeat, from bath mats to oven mitts to dishes to cooking utensils!”

I’ve been married 15 years and that is so true! My tea towels from that era have long since worn out and the bread machine from my newlywed days is about to die.

If the young couple is on the move and will not have a permanent home for a number of years, it may be different, but generally speaking, stuff is always wearing out and breaking. Also, you can put very modest items on your registry–a muffin tin, a silicon rolling pin, a pastry mat, etc. A trip to Target, Walmart, or a big suburban grocery store may refresh your memory as to what items you need. Also, you could put books on your registry (cookbooks, home maintenance, etc.).

 

[Kelfa28]

We didn’t do a registry or a “wishing well” or whatever you call it.

We just put out an empty gift table and accepted whatever our guests brought and wrote nice thank-you cards after.

Predictably, we got a lot of cards with money or with gift cards. But we did get some nice gifts as well.
I got a very pretty hand-blown glass orb with a glass tree on the inside. It was gorgeous and is presently hanging outside on an overhang to the porch. We also got a few other decorative pieces we enjoyed and have displayed.

We did use all of the money and gift cards to help furnish our new home we moved into a couple of weeks after the wedding.

I don’t know…I was always taught the wedding registries were for showers and showers were thrown by the family or friends of the bride.
I do believe it’s very rude to put registry info in an invite.
I would assume that if a guest didn’t get a shower invite it’s perfectly acceptable to bring a small gift, such as a decorative piece or something fairly original, or a card with money or gift card.

The bride and groom should put out a gift table to accept any gifts the guests do give.

 

[Lorelei12]

And there is truly nothing you could have possibly used? I don’t think there has ever been a time in my life that I could not have easily spent $5,000 on household stuff at Bed Bath and Beyond or Target!

That’s exactly what the relative who complained to us said. “You must need SOMETHING”. So, we both sat down and looked through some sites, as well as went shopping in a store, and we found only a few things we actually wanted- some pots and pans and some sheets. I had lived on my own for enough years that I had everything we needed, and we were going to be living in a small one bedroom apartment. Really, there are only so many things you need and even have space for when you’re in such a tiny living space. Neither one of us likes clutter and we just preferred not to add to the pile of stuff we each already had.

But, we ended up putting a bunch of stuff on anyway, because some people wanted us to. What happened was, the few people who practically demanded that we have a registry prompted us to have one, and then when other people found out we had a registry they assumed it was stuff we actually wanted, when most of it was things we put on there just to put stuff in.

It’s not that we aren’t grateful for our guests’ generosity, especially since most of them bought things on the registry because they thought we created one because we wanted one. I just don’t really think it’s fair to assume that just because a couple doesn’t want a registry, that they are looking for money. We were happy to have people at our wedding, and didn’t care who gave us what, if anything. We never even imagined that anyone would be upset that we didn’t have a registry! We really were only trying to start out our lives simply, and since we were going to be in a small apartment we didn’t see the point in registering for things we didn’t even want, that would just clutter our small space and sit around. I’m serious when I say we truly didn’t want or need much of anything, or have the space for it. It just seems so silly of someone to insist that a couple do something they don’t even want to do just because they want to give a physical gift. If it’s truly about the couple, and not what the gift-giver wants (as thoughtful as their intentions are), why not just leave it be?

Just because a couple prefers not to register, it does not mean they are looking for money. And maybe they don’t need anything small, but do need some bigger items like furniture. How is that any different? I just think people should leave well enough alone. If you want to get a gift and they don’t have a registry, just get a gift or give money, or give nothing. Couples planning a wedding are stressed out enough, there’s no need to add to everything by making them feel like they are selfish too.

 

[Lorelei12]

Don’t register for things you don’t really want.

Well, we tried this. We didn’t want anything, so we weren’t going to register for anything. No matter what you do, some people are unhappy.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

We didn’t do a registry or a “wishing well” or whatever you call it.

We just put out an empty gift table and accepted whatever our guests brought and wrote nice thank-you cards after.

Predictably, we got a lot of cards with money or with gift cards. But we did get some nice gifts as well.
I got a very pretty hand-blown glass orb with a glass tree on the inside. It was gorgeous and is presently hanging outside on an overhang to the porch. We also got a few other decorative pieces we enjoyed and have displayed.

We did use all of the money and gift cards to help furnish our new home we moved into a couple of weeks after the wedding.

I don’t know…I was always taught the wedding registries were for showers and showers were thrown by the family or friends of the bride.
I do believe it’s very rude to put registry info in an invite.
I would assume that if a guest didn’t get a shower invite it’s perfectly acceptable to bring a small gift, such as a decorative piece or something fairly original, or a card with money or gift card.

The bride and groom should put out a gift table to accept any gifts the guests do give.

Another very valid option. I really think too much has been made of couples having received 5 fondue pots or 3 toasters. I would tend to go with practical gifts that everyone needs and can’t have too many of, like mixing spoons or kitchen towels, or something personal like a musically-tuned windchime (always nice for a yard), or something I know the couple would enjoy but would not buy for themselves. Registries just take some of the guesswork out for the practical people. The whimsical or artistic people will just buy you what they want regardless.

 

[Christy_Beth]

One cousin of mine registered at a store where there weren’t any others like it. I mean, they could have gone to Macy’s, Dillards, or many other places. Even Sears would have been nice. But there was just this one. Needless to say, I didn’t shop there. I couldn’t afford to be running all over the place to buy something. I was doing good just to make it to the wedding, and my daughter was in the wedding. My income prevented alot of stuff in those days.

I didn’t have a registry, and did just fine. Of course, my wedding was a small one, especially compared to my cousin (who paid $4,000 for just the dress!!!). I didn’t mind this. Even if we had a bigger wedding, I’m not sure I would have gone for a registry. I had just gotten out of the Army, and my ex was still in. Which meant some moving around. At first we lived in a place so tiny there really wasn’t room for the two of us. Get a bunch of gifts we couldn’t use or didn’t want? No room. Give some of it away? Well, when we moved on post (bigger place, more room) the concern could have quickly gone to, “what if so-and-so visits and we don’t have what they gave at the wedding?” With my family, it would have quickly been noticed and commented on. I would have rather had either the money or have them put something for charity. Knowing my ex, he probably would have wanted only money. Small time change was beneath him. Wonder whey he’s my ex?

 

[Kelfa28]

That’s exactly what the relative who complained to us said. “You must need SOMETHING”. So, we both sat down and looked through some sites, as well as went shopping in a store, and we found only a few things we actually wanted- some pots and pans and some sheets. I had lived on my own for enough years that I had everything we needed, and we were going to be living in a small one bedroom apartment. Really, there are only so many things you need and even have space for when you’re in such a tiny living space. Neither one of us likes clutter and we just preferred not to add to the pile of stuff we each already had.

This was the same situation hubby and I were in. We are very, VERY anti-clutter. Hubby would E-Bay just about anything in our house that isn’t nailed down if it’s not something we use on a regular basis. Come to think of it…he pretty much has.

Not everyone is moving into a big house they need to fill up with stuff after they get married. Many couples having been moving right back into mom and dad’s house for a little while. Most move into a small apartment before they start growing a family.

We were one of those couples that did move into a house we purchased before our wedding and, in all honesty, we probably could have used a registry and had a shower.
Both of us hadn’t been living with our parents for quite some time at that point and had most things we needed. But much of it was very old and we’ve thrown out stuff that doesn’t work anymore.
But we didn’t want a shower and explicitly told our family members this. They honored this request and we didn’t her much from the peanut gallery. Though, I suspect it was because they had tried to give opinions on other things (namely, the guest list) and quickly found out I was playing hardball and wasn’t going to give into much at all.

 

[Kelfa28]

Another very valid option. I really think too much has been made of couples having received 5 fondue pots or 3 toasters. I would tend to go with practical gifts that everyone needs and can’t have too many of, like mixing spoons or kitchen towels, or something personal like a musically-tuned windchime (always nice for a yard), or something I know the couple would enjoy but would not buy for themselves. Registries just take some of the guesswork out for the practical people. The whimsical or artistic people will just buy you what they want regardless.

I honestly think this whole thing about multiple fondue pots is a bit of a myth…or maybe it was a 70s thing.
Weren’t Fondue pots all the rage then?

Our guests went the artistic route big time…or we just got money.

Seriously, you can never have enough towels in your house. Or tupperware…lots and lots of tupperware!

 

[JackieMom]

That’s exactly what the relative who complained to us said. “You must need SOMETHING”. So, we both sat down and looked through some sites, as well as went shopping in a store, and we found only a few things we actually wanted- some pots and pans and some sheets. I had lived on my own for enough years that I had everything we needed, and we were going to be living in a small one bedroom apartment. Really, there are only so many things you need and even have space for when you’re in such a tiny living space. Neither one of us likes clutter and we just preferred not to add to the pile of stuff we each already had.

But, we ended up putting a bunch of stuff on anyway, because some people wanted us to. What happened was, the few people who practically demanded that we have a registry prompted us to have one, and then when other people found out we had a registry they assumed it was stuff we actually wanted, when most of it was things we put on there just to put stuff in.

It’s not that we aren’t grateful for our guests’ generosity, especially since most of them bought things on the registry because they thought we created one because we wanted one. I just don’t really think it’s fair to assume that just because a couple doesn’t want a registry, that they are looking for money. We were happy to have people at our wedding, and didn’t care who gave us what, if anything. We never even imagined that anyone would be upset that we didn’t have a registry! We really were only trying to start out our lives simply, and since we were going to be in a small apartment we didn’t see the point in registering for things we didn’t even want, that would just clutter our small space and sit around. I’m serious when I say we truly didn’t want or need much of anything, or have the space for it. It just seems so silly of someone to insist that a couple do something they don’t even want to do just because they want to give a physical gift. If it’s truly about the couple, and not what the gift-giver wants (as thoughtful as their intentions are), why not just leave it be?

Just because a couple prefers not to register, it does not mean they are looking for money. And maybe they don’t need anything small, but do need some bigger items like furniture. How is that any different? I just think people should leave well enough alone. If you want to get a gift and they don’t have a registry, just get a gift or give money, or give nothing. Couples planning a wedding are stressed out enough, there’s no need to add to everything by making them feel like they are selfish too.

But it’s really, really, really rude to go to a wedding and not have sent a gift. Like, horrendously appallingly rude and completely uncouth. You might not have minded it, but no WAY would I ever recieve a wedding invite and not send a gift. So, when the bride does not have a registry people are left to either choose something on their own or send a check, either being perfectly decent choices. The registry is for the convenience of both parties, but if you don’t want to do one, then don’t. Just don’t complain that people still sent gifts because gifts are absolutely a part of the wedding deal. The gifts can always be returned later for store credit. It would be very crude for a guest in your home to ask where the gift they sent was kept.

 

[PatriceA]

But it’s really, really, really rude to go to a wedding and not have sent a gift. Like, horrendously appallingly rude and completely uncouth. You might not have minded it, but no WAY would I ever recieve a wedding invite and not send a gift. So, when the bride does not have a registry people are left to either choose something on their own or send a check, either being perfectly decent choices. The registry is for the convenience of both parties, but if you don’t want to do one, then don’t. Just don’t complain that people still sent gifts because gifts are absolutely a part of the wedding deal. The gifts can always be returned later for store credit. It would be very crude for a guest in your home to ask where the gift they sent was kept.

Well lets be honest, some family members can be absolutely rude and “look” for the gift they gave you for your wedding. And its extremely difficult when you are a military family and family has come to visit. and the gift may not have made it on the truck when you got a new assignment cough.

 

[Lorelei12]

But it’s really, really, really rude to go to a wedding and not have sent a gift. Like, horrendously appallingly rude and completely uncouth. You might not have minded it, but no WAY would I ever recieve a wedding invite and not send a gift. So, when the bride does not have a registry people are left to either choose something on their own or send a check, either being perfectly decent choices. The registry is for the convenience of both parties, but if you don’t want to do one, then don’t. Just don’t complain that people still sent gifts because gifts are absolutely a part of the wedding deal. The gifts can always be returned later for store credit. It would be very crude for a guest in your home to ask where the gift they sent was kept.

Oh, I sure wouldn’t either. We did have several guests come who did not give us anything. I’d never do it, but I don’t care. And my complaint is with people who complain to the bride and groom if they don’t have a registry, not with anyone sending a gift.

 

[PatriceA]

Oh, I sure wouldn’t either. We did have several guests come who did not give us anything. I’d never do it, but I don’t care. And my complaint is with people who complain to the bride and groom if they don’t have a registry, not with anyone sending a gift.

Again, I bring up the topic of the bridal shower. If you don’t want gifts, or haven’t given your guests some guidance with a registry and someone wants to throw you a shower, what happens then? I certainly wouldn’t force someone to have a registry, but I wonder what my bridal shower would have looked like without some idea to give my friends and family. Especially since we were a military family and were going to be moving around alot for at least the next five to ten years at least.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

But it’s really, really, really rude to go to a wedding and not have sent a gift. Like, horrendously appallingly rude and completely uncouth. You might not have minded it, but no WAY would I ever receive a wedding invite and not send a gift. So, when the bride does not have a registry people are left to either choose something on their own or send a check, either being perfectly decent choices. The registry is for the convenience of both parties, but if you don’t want to do one, then don’t. Just don’t complain that people still sent gifts because gifts are absolutely a part of the wedding deal. The gifts can always be returned later for store credit. It would be very crude for a guest in your home to ask where the gift they sent was kept.

There are social conventions, and weddings and funerals probably have more social conventions than any other occasions in our lives. Sometimes, you have to play ball on the same field as everyone else.

 

[JackieMom]

There are social conventions, and weddings and funerals probably have more social conventions than any other occasions in our lives. Sometimes, you have to play ball on the same field as everyone else.

Exactly. Or be prepared deal with the consequences if you refuse. Actually, if I didn’t recieve a gift from someone I’d invited to my wedding, I’d be more apt to think their gift got lost in the mail than that they were so déclassé as to not have sent one at all. It’s that standard.

 

[EasterJoy]

Prince William and his wife, Katherine, ran into this–obviously, they didn’t “need” anything–so they set up a suggested list of charities. The report is that the total charitable giving associated with the Royal Wedding Charitable Gift Fund was 1.7 million dollars (£1,058,367). Sales from the official Royal Wedding Album also went into this fund.

I kind of doubt if you have your own charitable foundation set up, as William and Harry do, but if anyone asks you or your family (which is, strictly speaking, still supposed to be how “word” of registries is disseminated, not anything written!), you can simply say, “You know, we didn’t register because to be honest we didn’t know what we’d ask for. You never know what someone will think of that we didn’t, but as far as we know we have all the household stuff we actually need. So we figured we’d wait and see what people thought up if they were left to give what they felt they wanted to give. If someone can’t think of anything, then we’d be very pleased to know that St. Vincent DePaul or the Downtown Chapel or the seminary got a donation to mark our wedding, or whatever charity someone thinks would fit the occasion.”

The main thing is to word it so that you can graciously accept and express honest gratitude for any gift that you are given to mark your wedding. It is part of taking care of your guests.

 

[Lorelei12]

Again, I bring up the topic of the bridal shower. If you don’t want gifts, or haven’t given your guests some guidance with a registry and someone wants to throw you a shower, what happens then? I certainly wouldn’t force someone to have a registry, but I wonder what my bridal shower would have looked like without some idea to give my friends and family. Especially since we were a military family and were going to be moving around alot for at least the next five to ten years at least.

Well, I don’t know what happens then because we put together a registry since people wanted us to. But we did get some nice things that were not on our registry, and some people even asked me “I am thinking of getting you this, would you like it?” beforehand. The gifts I got that were not on the registry were very creative and thoughtful.

 

[EasterJoy]

My fiance and I can’t fathom registering at stores because we don’t require any household items and feel as though it’s rude to register for gifts. We will have a wishing well at the reception in case anyone would like to give us a card. We aren’t putting anything about gifts in our invitations or website. Opinions? Thanks

Oh, and make sure there is a place where gifts and cards can be placed that are always under someone’s watchful eye. There are nasty people who cruise wedding venues in order to steal the gifts, both the wrapped kind and the cards. The cards are attractive to steal, though, because they so often contain either checks or gift cards these days. Give the person watching the gifts some scotch tape, because they’ll need to make sure the cards stay with the gifts they showed up on. It only takes a pair of newly-friendly four year olds about two minutes to relieve all the packages of their cards and bows!

 

[NSFrame]

A wishing well is considered fairly crass, but a card box set up by the gift table is usual. If you don’t want to have a registry, don’t, but don’t think it’s rude to have one. It will just eliminate a lot of conversations like “Aunt Edna would like to know what you want” and you’ll say “oh we don’t really need anything” and they’ll say “but she’s not sure what to get you” and you’ll have to make some sort of suggestion anyway.

We had friends who didn’t know what to register for who had organic shampoo and magazine subscriptions on their Amazon registry.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

A wishing well is considered fairly crass, but a card box set up by the gift table is usual. If you don’t want to have a registry, don’t, but don’t think it’s rude to have one. It will just eliminate a lot of conversations like “Aunt Edna would like to know what you want” and you’ll say “oh we don’t really need anything” and they’ll say “but she’s not sure what to get you” and you’ll have to make some sort of suggestion anyway.

We had friends who didn’t know what to register for who had organic shampoo and magazine subscriptions on their Amazon registry.

Couldn’t people register for electronics these days??



Like, modems and routers and stuff? That would be practical.