Wedding Sadness, Looking for insight

[AnneTeresa]

I just feel so stuck. Go against my faith or go against my parents. Jesus is the priority, obviously, but it’s so, so painful.

I hear your pain and I will pray for you today. It is a very difficult situation. I relate, as I went through the same thing when I got married outside the catholic church, even to my father refusing to pay and threatening not to attend the wedding. It was very very hard at the time.

You sound like you are handling it much better than I did, with doing everything in your power to honor your parents but also being true to your own faith.
:hug1:

 

[Cinette]

Thank you for all your insight.

It is nice to talk to people rationally about this because every time I discuss it with my family or fiance, there are tears and hurt feelings. I hold no ill will toward the Catholic Church, and I realize that many of you are very faithful to it and love it like my parents do - but I do not think that converting to Methodism means that I don’t understand the Church or am too immature to marry. I think there is more than one path to Heaven. Millions of people marry in all kinds of faiths and have wonderful, life-long marriages that are fruitful and provide for spiritual growth. In my heart, I know that I have found the Lord in my “new” church. Since I do not believe that human beings (priests) can change the host and wine into the body and blood of Christ, there is no way I can ascribe to a faith that teaches that this is possible.

I think it is a good idea to speak to a priest. My own pastor knows of my struggle and we have discussed and prayed about this many times (good thing about a Methodist pastor - he is actually AVAILABLE to talk!) Last month my parents tried to set up an appointment with me, my fiance and their priest and we heartily agreed to go. Unfortunately the priest cancelled at the last moment and it was never rescheduled. Apparently there is a 3-4 weeks waiting list to get in to see him. He’s a busy man. But I can call around to other parishes in the area and see if anyone is available within the week. I’d hate to let this go for another month - we are actively planning our wedding.

All this, I’m afraid, has solidified my belief that I made the right move. When parents start threatening to not attend their daughter’s Christian marriage, and are willing to destroy their family over this kind of thing with the support of their church - well, I simply cannot be a part of that and definitely do NOT want to raise my future kids in that way. I can’t imagine living my life knowing that my parents do not see me as a married woman, even after 5, 10, 20 years and many children with my husband. It simply breaks my heart and seems ridiculous to me. We only have one life to live, and when two worshippers of Christ are bickering so bitterly about their beliefs the waste and animosity it is just sickening to me.

I adore my parents and appreciate all they have done for me, all they have sacrificed, and most of all I desperately want their love in my life. It kills me that I am disappointing them. Having said that, I respect them enough to not lie and cheat my way into a wedding in their church. I respect them enough to be honest with them about where I am spiritually. I respect them enough to talk to them like two grown adults. I can’t just bend to their will if it’s not in my heart to do so. After all, I am a grown woman and I must do what is in my conscience. They taught me to always do the right thing, and that is what I feel I am doing here.

I just wish there were some way to bridge the gap. I’d be happy to have their priest at our wedding, offer a blessing, etc. I’d even be fine with having a Catholic ceremony for their peace of mind, but if it entails promising that I will raise my kids Catholic, I just can’t do that.

I just feel so stuck. Go against my faith or go against my parents. Jesus is the priority, obviously, but it’s so, so painful.

**I am sorry but you are wrong - there is only "One Church, One Baptism, One Lord…"I do not remember the exact words but my dear Jesus founded One Church. You will not find the Eucharist where you are. I suggest you should get a book on apologetics. Patrick Madrid has a few little books which are very interesting, Where is that in the Bible? Where is that in Tradition? Answer me this! These three little books quote many references from the Bible and give you answers you may be looking for.

I am sure the people from your Church are very friendly and warm but that is not what Religion is all about - there is much, much more. We have been given free will and ultimately it will be your choice and your decision. **

 

[R_C]

Converting to Methodism doesn’t mean that, but your statements do show this. F. ex. you do not believe that human beings can change the bread and wine. Good. Neither do we. Surprised?

When parents start threatening to not attend their daughter’s Christian marriage, and are willing to destroy their family over this kind of thing with the support of their church - well, I simply cannot be a part of that and definitely do NOT want to raise my future kids in that way.

This one I have not heard before. No, seriously, that is the most common protestant criticism against the Catholic Church: to point the finger towards the mistakes of a person - usually one with authority - and then blame the Church or Catholicism (or Christianity, or religion) for their mistakes, lack of knowledge, or human imperfections, ignoring entirely or partially whether their behavior is acceptable or not in the eyes of the Church.

Your parents do not know much about the Methodist church and about Christian marriage outside of the Catholic Church, which would still be fully valid, and can even be sacramental if only you were to follow the requirements. Regardless, Holy Church places more emphasis on the holiness of the Sacrament of Matrimony than any other “new” church, and certainly does not teach to destroy the family or whatever you are seeing.

Again, the issue is not the Church not understanding your situation, since She does, the issue is you not understanding and refusing to follow the teachings and rules of the Church.

Again, you have to relax, take some time, and discern whether or not you are willing to accept the requirement of promising that you will do the best you can to raise your children in the Catholic Church. To my understanding, if your husband does not want, then there is not much you can do, and perhaps this is a valid argument to obtain the dispensation. However if you yourself do not care at all about the Church, then your marriage will be valid but not sacramental in the eyes of the Catholic Church because you have done things your own way and disregarded the rules of the Church. But your marriage will still be valid, certainly your Church will consider it sacramental, and in a future, who knows, you may always convalidate it in the Catholic Church if God gives you light.

I do not know if it is your faith vs. your parents. I think that your faith and your parents’ faith is the same - the faith in Christ - and that you are making the doctrine of your community the priority, placing it above your parents and your faith…ask yourself what would Christ want and do, and pray for the guidance of the Holy Spirit.

As for your parents, they should have seen all of this and even more tribulations coming the moment they let their daughter grow lukewarm about her faith and let her walk away from Holy Church.

 

[clem456]

All this, I’m afraid, has solidified my belief that I made the right move. When parents start threatening to not attend their daughter’s Christian marriage, and are willing to destroy their family over this kind of thing with the support of their church - well, I simply cannot be a part of that and definitely do NOT want to raise my future kids in that way.

The Catholic Church does not support the behavior of your parents. They can find all the doctrinal pronouncements they want to justify themselves, but** if ** you are characterizing their behavior correctly (with all due respect we only have your side here), what they need is a reality check from a good priest. (and a lesson in respect and charity)

More harm is done to the Catholic Church by “good” Catholics than all the dissenters and heretics.

 

[maltmom]

More harm is done to the Catholic Church by “good” Catholics than all the dissenters and heretics.

sad, but true

 

[Quaesitor]

What do you think the priest will talk to them about?

Maybe the priest might want to talk to them about showing their daughter love more than pushing her away from the faith. Yes the OP is going against Catholic beliefs and yes, we can be concerned for her, but remember that God works in His time not ours. We can’t say what God has in store for her. But the OP’s parents are pushing her further away and I can’t believe that Jesus would want that in any way shape or form. Yes they have a right not to support the wedding or to even show up because of their beliefs, but to demand that she marry in the Catholic church when she has no intentions of living a Catholic life is silly and childish.

The Catholic Church does not support the behavior of your parents. They can find all the doctrinal pronouncements they want to justify themselves, but** if ** you are characterizing their behavior correctly (with all due respect we only have your side here), what they need is a reality check from a good priest. (and a lesson in respect and charity)

More harm is done to the Catholic Church by “good” Catholics than all the dissenters and heretics.

Totally agree with this one-hundred percent!!!

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

OP, my heart aches for you. I had similar wedding drama, but in reverse – my family are all evangelical Protestants, and I am now a Catholic. There was much drama, with my family accusing me of converting only so I could marry my husband (though I actually began the RCIA process before I even met him), saying many hurtful things about the status of my salvation if I chose to be married in the Catholic Church, and saying that they would not attend or help with any wedding expenses. In the end, my family calmed down once I spoke with my uncle, who is a pastor, and he then mediated the situation. My husband and I paid for the majority of the wedding, but my parents did contribute a little, including paying for my dress. My immediate and extended family did attend the wedding, and for most of them it was the first time they’d ever attended Mass at a Catholic Church.

So, all of that is to say that you’re certainly not the only bride who’s experienced family drama around her wedding. Weddings are emotion-filled times for everyone, even without religious differences in the mix! Take a deep breath and some time for prayer, even though the wedding planning can be intense.

Your posts here are thoughtful and respectful. If that’s the way you are approaching your parents, then I am very hopeful for an end result that leaves you and your parents’ relationship strong. As other posters have pointed out, canon law (and your parents) considers you still a Catholic by virtue of your baptism, although you now consider yourself a Methodist. This is a tricky situation and I do think it would be a good idea if you, your fiance, and your parents could all meet with the priest of their parish. I’m sure he’s busy, but if there’s any way that meeting could be rescheduled, I think it could be very fruitful. If he is too busy, then perhaps you could meet with another priest that your family knows?

(P.S., you and your fiance are to be commended for your commitment in remaining chaste. I will pray that God gives you the grace and strength to remain strong to this commitment until your wedding day, and that during your engagement that He lead you closer to Him.)

 

[newf]

OP, my heart goes out to you.

My husband and I raised our family Catholic. We have our adult youngest daughter who has decided she isn’t Catholic and does not go to church any more although she’s been baptized and confirmed and I was a CCD teacher. I obviously pray for her return.

If she came to us wanting to marry out of the church, I would support her. I would pay for a lovely wedding. I’m sure her dad would walk her down the aisle. I would want to be part of that day and part of her life. This is the only way I can see to draw her back, showing her love. And continuing to pray. All these canon laws and rules and regulations don’t mean a thing to her. I can only show her that I love her.

OP, I hope your parents come around. They are being vengeful by threatening not to attend your wedding and by keeping other family members away. I think that is really sad and their loss… And they are really making a huge mistake if they ever want to be involved in your future children’s lives.

OP, keep your head held up. If you can see the priest, that would be good. And I wish you all the best at your wedding.

 

[keepingfaith4]

i empathize with you—i was ostracized by my mil cause i attended her 3rd son’s protestant wedding----my fil regretted being bullied into not attending as did the rest of his siblings----no christianity was evident in that family-----needless to say plan on being there for your husband’s family and please do not let your families unchristian behaviors affect your marriage

as a long standing catholic—i support your being a member of a religion that YOU fully believe in and in catholicism----eucharist and the changing of bread and wine into body/blood of christ is at our core-----please remember the universal catholic church will always welcome you back should you decide to return

may God bless with a long and happy marriage

 

[agapewolf]

Thank you for all your insight.

It is nice to talk to people rationally about this because every time I discuss it with my family or fiance, there are tears and hurt feelings. I hold no ill will toward the Catholic Church, and I realize that many of you are very faithful to it and love it like my parents do - but I do not think that converting to Methodism means that I don’t understand the Church or am too immature to marry. I think there is more than one path to Heaven. Millions of people marry in all kinds of faiths and have wonderful, life-long marriages that are fruitful and provide for spiritual growth. In my heart, I know that I have found the Lord in my “new” church. Since I do not believe that human beings (priests) can change the host and wine into the body and blood of Christ, there is no way I can ascribe to a faith that teaches that this is possible.

All this, I’m afraid, has solidified my belief that I made the right move. When parents start threatening to not attend their daughter’s Christian marriage, and are willing to destroy their family over this kind of thing with the support of their church - well, I simply cannot be a part of that and definitely do NOT want to raise my future kids in that way. I can’t imagine living my life knowing that my parents do not see me as a married woman, even after 5, 10, 20 years and many children with my husband. It simply breaks my heart and seems ridiculous to me. We only have one life to live, and when two worshippers of Christ are bickering so bitterly about their beliefs the waste and animosity it is just sickening to me.

.

Few things here.

You don’t understand the church, because you’ve already stated here a misunderstanding of the belief. The priest as a human does not change the bread and wine into the body and blood. God does it. Do you not believe God has the power to use humans to show miracles? Read John 6 several times. Do you not believe Jesus MEANT it when he said “this is my body”. Do you think he was joking?

2nd: Jesus said he didn’t come for peace within families. Jesus is FIRST…so your parents are choosing to honor God OVER their children. This is the correct priority.

3rd: You obviously are going to be following the laws of the state regarding your marriage, are you not? So, you think its ok that you have to follow the government laws, but the fact that your fiance’s parents think a Catholic has to follow Catholic laws are not valid? That’s a bit of a double standard on your part.

And then you blame them and say they are being unreasonable.

Honestly, we want you to know what you are actually rejecting before you reject it. You’ve listed lots of disagreements here, but even by the way you talk about it you are showing evidence that you don’t really understand the beliefs behind them, why the church believes them, etc

 

[Julia_Mae]

It’s not just her mother, it’s both of her parents, according to the OP. And they are doing everything 100% exactly like faithful Catholics should do…

I don’t think so. This forum is not the Church, and our esteemed apologists don’t speak for the Church. She needs to talk to someone who has authority.

 

[mountee]

I think it would be best if all I said is I will pray for you and your family. God bless you.

 

[clem456]

Thanks for that newf.

My daughter is 24 and she and her boyfriend are considering marriage. She may not get married in the Church. I will encourage her to do so and try to help her along. She disagrees with the Church’s stance on some issues, and she’s 24 and not quite mature in her faith. But in terms of living a Christian life, she is very mature and is miles ahead of where I was at that age.

There is no way I would miss my daughter’s wedding in any church, or give her grief over her faith decisions. We’ve discussed it many times and I wish she practiced, but she is an autonomous human being and deserves respect (respect religious liberty???). It would break her heart if I missed her wedding. As the previous poster said, if she ever decides to practice her Catholic faith, I am going to be there to help with love and encouragement. I can’t do that if I have caused hatred, I would lack the moral authority to teach her about love. The Catholic Church, while calling for honest witness to the faith, does not condone causing a lifetime of resentment, isolation, division in families.

 

[Julia_Mae]

All this, I’m afraid, has solidified my belief that I made the right move. When parents start threatening to not attend their daughter’s Christian marriage, and are willing to destroy their family over this kind of thing with the support of their church - well, I simply cannot be a part of that and definitely do NOT want to raise my future kids in that way.

I’ll tell you something. You can go to the Parish at one end of my town and get one answer, which is the Pastor will essentially agree with you while explaining what the Canons are that apply and encourage your parents to pray and put charity above all and have a nice time at the wedding.

You can go to the Parish across the street where the Pastor will also not be very available, and won’t give you a much less satisfying answer. BTW , Methodists aren’t any better.

Your parents priest shouldn’t even be this busy in September unless he’s covering other parishes. Anyway, that’s why I think you should call the Diocese. Someone in the Bishop’s office can direct you to the appropriate authority.

Also - things settle down as time goes by. Try not to project into the future. People always say dumb stuff about “never” doing this or that.

 

[Elizium23]

Who is doing more harm to the Church, a woman who is slowly but surely removing herself from sacramental grace and never give her future children that chance, or parents who are defending their faith and gently encouraging their daughter to return?

Some of you are acting like the parents caused a scene at her wedding. They are making their needs clear to their daughter well in advance of the fateful day. It is sad that the daughter misunderstands the Eucharist and the Church, and places fellowship with others, especially her fiancé, over a true life of grace that will lead to Heaven. She is not ready at all to get married, not in the Church and not to anyone yet, until she truly understands the path she is following.

 

[clem456]

2nd: Jesus said he didn’t come for peace within families. Jesus is FIRST…so your parents are choosing to honor God OVER their children. This is the correct priority.

Ah yes, the “let them eat cake” interpretation of this passage. Lets put some context around the passage. Pay special attention to the verses that follow the verse you are referencing. The passage ends with a pretty sharp reminder about forgiveness.

48 But the one who did not know and did what deserved a beating will receive a light beating. From everyone to whom much has been given, much will be required; and from the one to whom much has been entrusted, even more will be demanded. 49 “I came to bring fire to the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! 50 I have a baptism with which to be baptized, and what stress I am under until it is completed! 51 Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division! 52 From now on five in one household will be divided, three against two and two against three; 53 they will be divided: father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.” 54 He also said to the crowds, "When you see a cloud rising in the west, you immediately say, "It is going to rain’; and so it happens. 55 And when you see the south wind blowing, you say, "There will be scorching heat’; and it happens. **56 You hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of earth and sky, but why do you not know how to interpret the present time? 57 “And why do you not judge for yourselves what is right? 58 Thus, when you go with your accuser before a magistrate, on the way make an effort to settle the case, or you may be dragged before the judge, and the judge hand you over to the officer, and the officer throw you in prison. 59 I tell you, you will never get out until you have paid the very last penny.” **

And then you blame them and say they are being unreasonable.

It’s hard to respect the parents she describes here. Loss of moral authority.

Honestly, we want you to know what you are actually rejecting before you reject it. You’ve listed lots of disagreements here, but even by the way you talk about it you are showing evidence that you don’t really understand the beliefs behind them, why the church believes them, etc

None of us really know what she understands. None of us understands perfectly. None of us may understand even as well as the demons, who clearly know the truth of who God is. Remember, the demons are the first to pridefully point out in the Gospels who Jesus is. Knowing the truth is -not- faith. The woman is a Methodist. That fact should be respected by us, and certainly by her parents.

 

[clem456]

Who is doing more harm to the Church, a woman who is slowly but surely removing herself from sacramental grace and never give her future children that chance, or parents who are defending their faith and **gently encouraging **their daughter to return?

.

Did you actually read her OP?

 

[mamaslo]

In my opinion, put some breaks on the wedding, and open your heart to what they are telling you.

I am certain they are not just trying to force you back home to the Catholic Church, they just don’t know how to annunciate what they are fearful of. They are so afraid for you.

You are on a journey, and maybe this is part of it (obviously), but give your parent’s position enough prayer and time until you know your are not just having your own reaction to theirs.

God does give parent’s special graces to help their children and while it may be just part of your journey, their words will never go away. They love you and will accept the situation as mine did, but I wish I had listened to the Holy Spirit first and my parents…hindsight is 20/20.

You have whatever it is right in front of you, and later on you will see it more clearly.

Truly seek God’s will for your life and give the conflict more prayer time and maybe go on a prayer retreat and quiet yourself down. Give their side true credence.

peace.

 

[Elizium23]

Did you actually read her OP?

Yes. Are you paying attention? She used hot-button terms like “argument” “incredulous” “threatening” and it seems to me as if she is exaggerating.

More importantly, the OP has said things like “I do not believe that bread and wine can be literally transformed into Jesus’ flesh.” and “Since I do not believe that human beings (priests) can change the host and wine into the body and blood of Christ” showing a clear set of misunderstandings about the Church and the Eucharist. We have attempted to correct her here, but there simply isn’t the bandwidth available for anonymous posters to dispel 27 years of misconceptions about Catholicism. That’s why she needs to visit with a priest, so she can at least understand where she is headed. A faithful priest will point out that if Jesus matters so much to her, there is no other way to unite herself with him except the Eucharist.

We are not talking about a lifelong Methodist who is not bound by the law of the Catholic Church. We are not talking about a born-and-bred atheist whose grandparents want her to suddenly change. We are talking about a Catholic who was raised in the faith (I think?) and is intent on contracting an invalid marriage. It is only right that faithful Catholics do everything we can to rescue her soul for Christ and direct her back towards Heaven.

This is not the Non-Catholic Religions forum and this is not a Methodist website, she came to ask Catholic advice and I am giving Catholic advice, to a Catholic, the daughter of Catholics.

 

[newf]

Who is doing more harm to the Church, a woman who is slowly but surely removing herself from sacramental grace and never give her future children that chance, or parents who are defending their faith and gently encouraging their daughter to return?

Some of you are acting like the parents caused a scene at her wedding. They are making their needs clear to their daughter well in advance of the fateful day. It is sad that the daughter misunderstands the Eucharist and the Church, and places fellowship with others, especially her fiancé, over a true life of grace that will lead to Heaven. She is not ready at all to get married, not in the Church and not to anyone yet, until she truly understands the path she is following.

First of all, who are you to say she is not ready to get married? The OP does not believe the Catholic faith. Is that why you think she isn’t ready? She doesn’t understand what we believe, obviously if she thought like us, she wouldn’t be Methodist. Sheesh. She sounds to me like very level headed woman trying to figure things out, wanting to keep the peace without being untrue to herself.

Her parents made their thoughts known and now they need to RESPECT their daughter and let her live her life.