Wedding Size

[Lorelei12]

It’s not me whose just giving an opinion. This is a common wedding etiquette rule. You don’t get to determine the seriousness of someone’s relationship and whether they deserve to bring them to a wedding.

Actually it’s not a “common etiquette rule”. Inviting someone without their spouse- that’s a faux pas. People who are engaged too. Making rules about who to invite otherwise is pretty common, especially for people without unlimited funds. In our case, if you were married or engaged to someone, they got invited, and if not, they didn’t. Not everyone has enough money to invite everyone they want to- especially when you’re talking about people who have been dating only a few weeks.

I don’t “get” to decide who to invite to my own wedding? What is rude is writing extra people into the invitation, or telling the bride and groom that you won’t come if you can’t bring a date…and then making them take time to respond to you about it. *That *is rude.

In any case, we had a lovely wedding, that was exactly what we wanted and the only people who didn’t come were a few people who couldn’t make it. So who cares?

 

[agapewolf]

Actually it’s not a “common etiquette rule”. Inviting someone without their spouse- that’s a faux pas. People who are engaged too. Making rules about who to invite otherwise is pretty common, especially for people without unlimited funds. In our case, if you were married or engaged to someone, they got invited, and if not, they didn’t. Not everyone has enough money to invite everyone they want to- especially when you’re talking about people who have been dating only a few weeks.

I don’t “get” to decide who to invite to my own wedding? What is rude is writing extra people into the invitation, or telling the bride and groom that you won’t come if you can’t bring a date…and then making them take time to respond to you about it. *That *is rude.

In any case, we had a lovely wedding, that was exactly what we wanted and the only people who didn’t come were a few people who couldn’t make it. So who cares?

I didn’t say that. I said you don’t get to decide the seriousness of someone’s relationship. People have been know to get serious pretty fast. There’s plenty of stories on here of people that knew they were getting married after the first date.

Who cares— is that someone here is putting out the question, because of future wedding plans. Letting rudeness sit as if its a fantastic idea to give other people ideas to try it is why I do care.

Just try going to a wedding forum with your “no ring no bring” rule and see what they tell you. it IS a common etiquette rule.

 

[Lorelei12]

I didn’t say that. I said you don’t get to decide the seriousness of someone’s relationship. People have been know to get serious pretty fast. There’s plenty of stories on here of people that knew they were getting married after the first date.

Who cares— is that someone here is putting out the question, because of future wedding plans. Letting rudeness sit as if its a fantastic idea to give other people ideas to try it is why I do care.

Just try going to a wedding forum with your “no ring no bring” rule and see what they tell you. it IS a common etiquette rule.

No, I don’t get to decide how serious someone’s relationship is- which is exactly why we didn’t invite people with dates. We couldn’t afford to invite everyone with one, so rather than try to determine whose was more “serious” we chose to invite people engaged. If we decided to invite people who were dating for a year or more, wouldn’t those who had relationships for less time be upset? It was a choice we made so that we could keep our wedding small and NOT have to decide whose relationship was more serious. Some people just don’t have a lot of money.

People can do whatever they want with their own wedding. A bride and groom, and families if they are paying, should decide together on what their constraints are, and no one should ever question it or make them explain their own choices. That is what is rude. Guests would do well to remember that someone else’s wedding is not about them, and they should either keep their mouth shut and be happy for the couple, or choose not to attend if they can’t manage that.

The OP asked how people decided who to invite or not invite. In the end, the answer to that is going to be different for everyone depending on their budget and their vision for their wedding. But whatever a bride and groom decide, it is never a guest’s place to question their choice of attendees.

I ask again, if it is so rude not to invite the other “half” of a couple, where would you draw a line? Unless you invite every single person with a guest, you’d have to “decide the seriousness of someone else’s relationship”, as you say. Not everyone can afford to do that.

 

[agapewolf]

No, I don’t get to decide how serious someone’s relationship is- which is exactly why we didn’t invite people with dates. We couldn’t afford to invite everyone with one, so rather than try to determine whose was more “serious” we chose to invite people engaged. If we decided to invite people who were dating for a year or more, wouldn’t those who had relationships for less time be upset? It was a choice we made so that we could keep our wedding small and NOT have to decide whose relationship was more serious. Some people just don’t have a lot of money.

People can do whatever they want with their own wedding. A bride and groom, and families if they are paying, should decide together on what their constraints are, and no one should ever question it or make them explain their own choices. That is what is rude. Guests would do well to remember that someone else’s wedding is not about them, and they should either keep their mouth shut and be happy for the couple, or choose not to attend if they can’t manage that.

The OP asked how people decided who to invite or not invite. In the end, the answer to that is going to be different for everyone depending on their budget and their vision for their wedding. But whatever a bride and groom decide, it is never a guest’s place to question their choice of attendees.

I ask again, if it is so rude not to invite the other “half” of a couple, where would you draw a line? Unless you invite every single person with a guest, you’d have to “decide the seriousness of someone else’s relationship”, as you say. Not everyone can afford to do that.

That’s the thing, you don’t draw a line. It is NOT up to you to decide the seriousness…and you did just that, by saying engaged people can come together, but not if they are dating, but not engaged. I know of couples that have dated a year, but due to finishing school did not officially get engaged yet (and a couple specifically had already taken the foccus test for good discernment for marriage). Yet according to your arbitrary guideline of needing a ring, they are not serious enough to be considered a social unit.

Truly single people, according to etiquette, need not get a plus one. (I don’t particularly like that rule, but that is the etiquette) But if they have entered into a dating relationship, their other half must be invited.

“doing whatever you want with your own wedding” is the rudest attitude. There is etiquette for a reason, so that you aren’t rude to people. Perhaps people sending out “dis-invitations” to tell people they aren’t invited is something a couple wants to do just to be sure no one shows that isn’t invited---- is rude…but, by your rules, anything goes because they can do whatever they want because its their wedding.

Weddings don’t make the etiquette go out the window.

 

[Lorelei12]

That’s the thing, you don’t draw a line. It is NOT up to you to decide the seriousness…and you did just that, by saying engaged people can come together, but not if they are dating, but not engaged. I know of couples that have dated a year, but due to finishing school did not officially get engaged yet (and a couple specifically had already taken the foccus test for good discernment for marriage). Yet according to your arbitrary guideline of needing a ring, they are not serious enough to be considered a social unit.

Truly single people, according to etiquette, need not get a plus one. (I don’t particularly like that rule, but that is the etiquette) But if they have entered into a dating relationship, their other half must be invited.

“doing whatever you want with your own wedding” is the rudest attitude. There is etiquette for a reason, so that you aren’t rude to people. Perhaps people sending out “dis-invitations” to tell people they aren’t invited is something a couple wants to do just to be sure no one shows that isn’t invited---- is rude…but, by your rules, anything goes because they can do whatever they want because its their wedding.

For heavens’ sake. My husband and I did what was best for us and stuck to our budget and had a lovely wedding. Instead of picking apart how “rude” I was, it would be better to not derail the thread and answer the OP’s question about your own wedding. Presumably the OP can look over all the responses and come to his or her own conclusions, which is the point of this thread.

 

[maryjk]

It’s not me whose just giving an opinion. This is a common wedding etiquette rule. You don’t get to determine the seriousness of someone’s relationship and whether they deserve to bring them to a wedding.

Nope. Sorry. Not everyone gets to bring whomever they want.

Only those on the invite are invited.

The rude ones try to add other people.

If they don’t want to attend without their lover/boyfriend/girlfriend then that is their choice. But they don’t get to add another person to the invite.

The person paying for the reception gets to decide who is invited. They can use whatever criteria they deem appropriate. No one needs a “plus one” invite.

 

[agapewolf]

Nope. Sorry. Not everyone gets to bring whomever they want.

Only those on the invite are invited.

The rude ones try to add other people.

If they don’t want to attend without their lover/boyfriend/girlfriend then that is their choice. But they don’t get to add another person to the invite.

The person paying for the reception gets to decide who is invited. They can use whatever criteria they deem appropriate. No one needs a “plus one” invite.

Actually, its not a “plus one”. Its a couple. a social unit. and the etiquette is that they are both invited.

And again, rudeness isn’t disregarded simply because its a wedding and people can use “whatever criteria they deem appropriate”

 

[maryjk]

Actually, its not a “plus one”. Its a couple. a social unit. and the etiquette is that they are both invited.

And again, rudeness isn’t disregarded simply because its a wedding and people can use “whatever criteria they deem appropriate”

So, which of the “couple” should receive the invite? Or do we assume they are living together? Or maybe you mail two separate invites? And what happens if you only get one back?

Is there a minimum on how long they have to have been dating? What happens if they break up before the big day? Is the bride and groom stuck with an empty seat or with the new person the guest is dating? Or does the now ex show up?

According to Miss Manners:

• On Who to ask

**Miss Manners states that it’s the bride and also the groom and also the host (just in case the parents will co-host the wedding) has got the say on who’re or who aren’t to ask. **However the last say, for Wedding Etiquette’s sake, is definitely upon the lips from the bride and also the groom as it is their large day which is them who’re the middle of attention.

When the bride or even the groom don’t would rather invite an ex-boyfriend who is among the best worker from the bride’s father, then your bride’s father cannot command her daughter to ask that old flame even when it’s the bride’s father who’ve located the wedding.

Sorry, but dating couples are not a social unit. They are individuals. They do not become one until they are married. If they are engaged they have announced to the world they plan to become one. But date couples haven’t done that.

 

[agapewolf]

So, which of the “couple” should receive the invite? Or do we assume they are living together? Or maybe you mail two separate invites? And what happens if you only get one back?

Is there a minimum on how long they have to have been dating? What happens if they break up before the big day? Is the bride and groom stuck with an empty seat or with the new person the guest is dating? Or does the now ex show up?

According to Miss Manners:

Sorry, but dating couples are not a social unit. They are individuals. They do not become one until they are married. If they are engaged they have announced to the world they plan to become one. But date couples haven’t done that.

Miss manners has been known to give awful advice in many situations. Not quite the infallile source there.

I know I’m not one either.

Your questions stand even when a couple divorces, or someone does decide to invite plus ones or the couple. THere are etiquette rules for inviting a couple that is not engaged and not living together. They don’t disprove my point.

and yes, dating couples are a SOCIAL unit. That is not the same thing as saying “they are one”.

geez, stop with all the hyperbole, trying to defend a point that isn’t making it.

 

[EasterJoy]

That’s the thing, you don’t draw a line. It is NOT up to you to decide the seriousness…and you did just that, by saying engaged people can come together, but not if they are dating, but not engaged. I know of couples that have dated a year, but due to finishing school did not officially get engaged yet (and a couple specifically had already taken the foccus test for good discernment for marriage). Yet according to your arbitrary guideline of needing a ring, they are not serious enough to be considered a social unit.

Truly single people, according to etiquette, need not get a plus one. (I don’t particularly like that rule, but that is the etiquette) But if they have entered into a dating relationship, their other half must be invited.

“doing whatever you want with your own wedding” is the rudest attitude. There is etiquette for a reason, so that you aren’t rude to people. Perhaps people sending out “dis-invitations” to tell people they aren’t invited is something a couple wants to do just to be sure no one shows that isn’t invited---- is rude…but, by your rules, anything goes because they can do whatever they want because its their wedding.

Weddings don’t make the etiquette go out the window.

I do not think Judith Martin ever said that a bride and groom have to consider people who are not engaged to be a social unit that may not be politely invited to social occasions separately. If the bride and groom have met the love interest of a friend (or heard about him or her) and want that person included on their guest list, of course they are free to invite the friend to include their love interest, if they like. They may let any of their guests know that they are invited to bring some particular friend, if they like. They aren’t duty-bound to do so, however.

It is the spouse or spouse-to-be of someone you want to invite that you may not exclude. If you like the husband and don’t like or don’t know the wife, you have to decide whether or not to invite both, because you may not politely invite one and not the other. When the couple are merely close friends, however, etiquette does not require that the two be treated as one social unit, and so one may be invited to a wedding without inviting the other.

 

[TeachCatechism]

This is a topic that interests me even though I am not engaged. In fact I was thinking about this the other day because of my relatives. Because my most recent relatives had small or no family what has happened is I have 5 first cousins and only 10 or so second cousins. Add in my surviving aunts, uncles (including greats)and I have a total of maybe 30, then add in the fact that several live far away and not likely to attend. Compare this to what happened when a second cousin got married and they had to limit the wedding strictly to aunts and uncles because they were all living and there were 100+ first cousins on my mom’s side. My dad’s side is much smaller since most live in Europe and they had smaller families.

I’m not engaged or even officially dating anyone (yet I hope)but if I marry this guy I am crazy about we would likely have the wedding at the Legion since he is a member (officer)as is my dad and I am in the auxiliary. Members of the Legion get it cheap. For food I would have it catered though, but I suspect several of the auxiliary members would make food because they do that for many events. Many of the other services would likely be done as presents, such as my mom’s best friend who makes wedding cakes. Because of the savings we would probably be able to invite 150 people, which is what the hall holds apparently, but I suspect it would be less, including more distant relatives.

Granted this could change depending on if I marry him or someone else.

 

[Lorelei12]

Actually, its not a “plus one”. Its a couple. a social unit. and the etiquette is that they are both invited.

And again, rudeness isn’t disregarded simply because its a wedding and people can use “whatever criteria they deem appropriate”

I’d guess that the majority of people who feel that the bride and groom (along with whoever else is paying, if applicable) can’t invite whoever they want to their own wedding either are not married, have never planned a wedding, or are married and didn’t have budget considerations with their own wedding.

The “etiquette” is that spouses and engaged couples get invitations. Beyond that, it is up to them to decide whether they want to invite Sally’s boyfriend who they’ve never even met and didn’t hear about until after the invitations already went out. It’s not rude to set parameters such as “we’d like to personally know everyone at our wedding” or to only include the amount of people you can afford. Anyone who doesn’t understand this has likely never been in the situation of planning a wedding without unlimited funds.

 

[agapewolf]

I’d guess that the majority of people who feel that the bride and groom (along with whoever else is paying, if applicable) can’t invite whoever they want to their own wedding either are not married, have never planned a wedding, or are married and didn’t have budget considerations with their own wedding.

The “etiquette” is that spouses and engaged couples get invitations. Beyond that, it is up to them to decide whether they want to invite Sally’s boyfriend who they’ve never even met and didn’t hear about until after the invitations already went out. It’s not rude to set parameters such as “we’d like to personally know everyone at our wedding” or to only include the amount of people you can afford. Anyone who doesn’t understand this has likely never been in the situation of planning a wedding without unlimited funds.

Yea…just like JPII couldn’t possibly know about marriage because he was a celibate man. Please…I understand it just fine. Doesn’t change the etiquette.

As I’ve already mentioned this: Go to theknot etiquette forum. Do a search, or better yet…just ask the question. You will see how many engaged and married folks, with budgets, give you a pass for what you suggest fine and not rude. here’s a hint…you won’t. So, proof that this little underhanded remark you are putting forward really isn’t cutting it.

 

[TBenedicta]

We invited around 150 people, I think- and around 110 showed up. It was really very hard for us to draw the line as to who to invite. We initially wanted a very small wedding (less than 30 people) but we both have large families. He has five siblings and I have four, plus parents, plus all of my living grandparents, immediate uncles/aunts (his mom is one of 12, my mom one of 5)- that alone brought us well above 30.

Then close family friends. (People our mothers and grandmothers socialize with weekly, if not daily.) It was sort of a “well, if we invite so-and-so, we have to also invite so-and-so” type situation. With our families, close family friends (and their families), we reached 150 very quickly. No room for co-workers or acquaintances!

Our budget was minuscule so we kept it simple. Early morning nuptial Mass, homemade favors/decor, brunch/breakfast reception catered by a friend (just champagne for booze, no dancing- so no need to pay a DJ/band), photography by my aunt/uncle, reception was at the parish hall.

 

[maryjk]

Miss manners has been known to give awful advice in many situations. Not quite the infallile source there.

**I know I’m not one either.
**
Your questions stand even when a couple divorces, or someone does decide to invite plus ones or the couple. THere are etiquette rules for inviting a couple that is not engaged and not living together. They don’t disprove my point.

and yes, dating couples are a SOCIAL unit. That is not the same thing as saying “they are one”.

geez, stop with all the hyperbole, trying to defend a point that isn’t making it.

Yea…just like JPII couldn’t possibly know about marriage because he was a celibate man. Please…I understand it just fine. Doesn’t change the etiquette.

As I’ve already mentioned this: Go to theknot etiquette forum. Do a search, or better yet…just ask the question. You will see how many engaged and married folks, with budgets, give you a pass for what you suggest fine and not rude. here’s a hint…you won’t. So, proof that this little underhanded remark you are putting forward really isn’t cutting it.

They aren’t experts either. Obviously.

Just for giggles, I went and read some of the questions and answers. One question that told me that they don’t know what they talking about was, “Do I invite my priest?” Of course one of the answers was to invite him and “a plus one”. I guess that is for his date?

 

[agapewolf]

They aren’t experts either. Obviously.

Just for giggles, I went and read some of the questions and answers. One question that told me that they don’t know what they talking about was, “Do I invite my priest?” Of course one of the answers was to invite him and “a plus one”. I guess that is for his date?

I didn’t say they were experts. I was addressing the comment that the point I am asserting couldn’t be held by people that are actually planning a wedding or had one, and that they couldn’t understand.

point was disproved. Many many MANY people on there will tell you the exact same thing I am saying.

 

[ela2]

In order to avoid being rude, we invited some people who we normally wouldn’t have. Our wedding was horrible.

 

[SamH]

Granted my husband doesn’t have that many first cousins…I think he has about 50 or so (many married with kids)…but we encountered the same situation.

But to draw a comparison between our families…I have exactly one first cousin (who is getting married this year and has no kids) compared to my husband’s big family.

There was no way we could have invited everyone…the wedding would have been a total family reunion for his side.

That’s kind of how we look at weddings. In the end we had over 250 guests at the wedding and reception - maybe 300+ at the dance. Live band and open bar for 9 hours. People still talk about it 17 years later.

No one remembers what color the flowers were.

 

[EasterJoy]

They aren’t experts either. Obviously.

Just for giggles, I went and read some of the questions and answers. One question that told me that they don’t know what they talking about was, “Do I invite my priest?” Of course one of the answers was to invite him and “a plus one”. I guess that is for his date?

All the priests except Catholic priests are allowed to marry–I mean the Lutherans, Episcopalians and Anglicans call their ordained ministers priests, too–and in rare cases even the Catholic Church ordains married men. But yes, the correct thing to do is to find out the name of the priest’s spouse and to put her name on the invitation.

The worst answers was that you don’t have to invite the priest if you have a “vendor” relationship with him! Oh, heavens…a vendor relationship? That is advice coming from someone who is clueless beyond words.

PS Oops, her priest was defined as Catholic. No, don’t tell him he can invite someone else. He does not expect that. If you don’t put him at a table of honor (such as with your parents), that’s the faux pas. He ought to have parking arranged, he ought to be taken care of and never allowed to look ignored. If you really want him to come, though, the inquiry about whether he could find someone to fill in on at Saturday Vigil Mass so he could be there at the wedding dinner was a nice touch.

 

[tafan]

How big was your wedding (attendance wise)? How did you draw the line who to invite/who not to invite?

I have heard lots of couples say if they had to do it over again, their wedding would be smaller. I am at a lost in trying to recall ever hearing the opposite.