Wedding while bride is pregnant?

[altms]

I’d love your opinions on what has become a ‘normal’ trend, even in our comparatively conservative country, getting married while pregnant.

Several cousins, friends and classmates have all got married while pregnant (some being grooms, others the pregnant brides). A good amount of them Catholics as well. Which is a contrast to my other friends and relatives from the Muslim side. You’ll rarely, if ever see the bride pregnant during her wedding. Something that was quite uncommon a generation ago (as most of you in your own countries will testify). The biggest reason is usually, ‘to test if everything works’.

My personal take on this is, I don’t approve it. I’m not judging or condemning those who’ve done so, but the whole idea of “testing the system” is, IMO cowardice, and something I won’t do. If you love each other and want to live together for the rest of your lives, why should you “take a test drive”? So question, if she doesn’t conceive, will the engagement be broken off? Does it mean that women who sadly can’t give birth don’t deserve to be married? And it’s usually blamed on the woman…What if it’s the man that’s shooting blanks?

So, we all love and want children of our own, and I’m no different. However, children come from God. If it’s meant to be, it will be. If there is a problem conceiving, then the married couple should work through that problem together. We shouldn’t be setting pre-requisites before marriage, it’s just not kosher.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have heard of plenty of couples getting married a year or two sooner than they had planned because they became pregnant out of wedlock, but I have never heard of a young couple who called off a wedding because they failed to get pregnant or who refused to get engaged because they couldn’t get pregnant!

From what I have gathered, in the old days if a couple got pregnant before marriage, a child due to arrive such that the bride would be obviously pregnant at the wedding would often be given up for adoption, because the families of the bridal couple didn’t want the shame of a relative born outside of marriage. This even happened when the couple was old enough to marry. The other thing that was done was that the wedding would be kept very small and quiet…that is, there would not be a big celebration of the marriage, because it was so obvious that the couple had not “done it right”.

Of course, there was also that age old expression “shot gun wedding”, which denoted a wedding that was arranged immediately after the bride’s father found out that the marriage had been consummated. The bride usually wasn’t showing yet–she may not have even been pregant at all!–but people could still count backwards from births to weddings back then, and they did. Still, it wasn’t obvious in the wedding pictures.

IOW, sex before marriage did happen in the old days, even before today’s normalized co-habitation, and pregnancies prior to vows did happen. They were just handled a lot differently. Plus, the age of first marriage has risen since college educations became more the norm, and that makes a big difference when it comes to whether a couple pregnant outside of marriage can hope to be mature parents together by marrying right away instead concluding that they are too young and need to give the child up for adoption.

 

[altms]

I have heard of plenty of couples getting married a year or two sooner than they had planned because they became pregnant out of wedlock, but I have never heard of a young couple who called off a wedding because they failed to get pregnant or who refused to get engaged because they couldn’t get pregnant!

I’ll also admit that as well!

I know that a lot of circumstances have changed since those old days…but it seems that we Catholics are quite relaxed on children out of wedlock, compared to our Muslim counterparts, and our views on premarital sex are the same

 

[EasterJoy]

I’ll also admit that as well!

I know that a lot of circumstances have changed since those old days…but it seems that we Catholics are quite relaxed on children out of wedlock, compared to our Muslim counterparts, and our views on premarital sex are the same

I suspect that Muslim women known to have had sex out of wedlock, let alone children out of wedlock, find a lot of societal disapproval, yes. It is also heavily frowned-upon for Muslim men to have sex prior to marriage. A recent poll in developing countries, however, found that while Muslims were the least likely to report having had sex prior to marriage, the estimated percentage of couples who had premarital sex was still estimated to be in the range of 60%. (asr.sagepub.com/content/77/5/723.abstract; bostonglobe.com/ideas/2013/03/03/which-religions-have-most-premarital-sex/whTrXNlukf5nFRk9UlZ64I/story.html)

 

[peace2u2]

Praise God their getting married and keeping the baby. Today, especially in America that is a small miracle. I have a close friend who married while pregnant with her 1st child some 20 years ago, they are still married and she has a lovely beautiful daughter!

 

[Bonnie]

Being pregnant at the wedding is nothing new, tho flaunting the fact is.

I remember reading years (& years) ago about a mother who was upset that her daughter’s first child was due just 7 months after the wedding. The doctor consoled her, saying, “Many first babies are premature.”

 

[altms]

I agree, Easterjoy, not all of them are saints

I’ll admit that they have quite a different lifestyle from us, so premarital sex relations are somewhat unlikely.

However, back to the topic, it shows where we are as a society as far as marriage issues are concerned. Children first, then vows later. Cart before the horse. Not long ago, one of my students asked me, “why don’t you wanna get married? Or just get children, and if the woman screws up, just kick her out.” And I’m like, WTF???

 

[Kelfa28]

I got married 2 months after giving birth to my first child.

I assure you that we didn’t “test the waters” to see if we could actually get pregnant. We made mistakes and a pregnancy resulted from it.

Neither of us were practicing Catholics at the time. We decided to join the Church after I found out I was pregnant and we had made the decision to Marry. I had been with my husband for almost 4 years by the time this situation arose. He proposed and we decided on a date.

I can’t tell you the number of people who wanted us to actually get married while I was pregnant. How many friends and family members wanted us to take a quick trip to the court house and make it official.

Uh…no. That wasn’t going to happen. We wanted to convert together, remain chaste until our wedding night and get married in the Church the first time. I went through RCIA pregnant and all of our meetings with the priest and our pre-cana meeting pregnant.

I was upset and ashamed at myself. Especially when I realized exactly what the Church taught. Not only was pre-marital sex wrong but so was living together before Marriage.

I cried the entire way to the pre-cana class and absolutely didn’t want to go in because it wasn’t hosted by our parish and we’d be seeing all kinds of new people. I didn’t want to be judged for stepping into this class almost 7 months pregnant. I saw the looks. I saw the restraint in people’s eyes when we sat down at our table and people started to say hi. I wanted to just leave.

I almost didn’t want to convert because I felt like I had done something so horrible and wrong that God wouldn’t want me.
My husband and I are happily married with a beautiful daughter and we are expecting child number two.

People make mistakes. Why not just celebrate the fact that the couple is making the steps to right the wrong. They aren’t just co-habitating with no signs of marriage in the future or getting rid of the child through abortion.

 

[tabycat]

Being pregnant at the wedding is nothing new, tho flaunting the fact is.

I remember reading years (& years) ago about a mother who was upset that her daughter’s first child was due just 7 months after the wedding. The doctor consoled her, saying, “Many first babies are premature.”

They were called ‘7 month babies’ even if the baby looked full-term and born less then 7 months after the wedding.

 

[altms]

Being pregnant at the wedding is nothing new,** tho flaunting the fact is.******

Oh well. Last year I went to visit a friend who’d recently given birth. She always loooved kids, and after completion of university she couldn’t wait to, ahem, get started. So she explicitly said to us, you must make sure that you’re fertile and everything works. She’s a Catholic BTW, and she’s getting married next month, thankfully to the same guy.

Then last year another friend, with whom we went to visit the aforementioned one told me, [gf] Hannah is pregnant. I just wanted to deal with the children business early enough.

super

 

[GangGreen]

Pregnancy and then marriage because of it has been around since the dawn of time. I’d gladly have that over abortion or the father leaving the mother.

 

[edwest2]

I’d love your opinions on what has become a ‘normal’ trend, even in our comparatively conservative country, getting married while pregnant.

Several cousins, friends and classmates have all got married while pregnant (some being grooms, others the pregnant brides). A good amount of them Catholics as well. Which is a contrast to my other friends and relatives from the Muslim side. You’ll rarely, if ever see the bride pregnant during her wedding. Something that was quite uncommon a generation ago (as most of you in your own countries will testify). The biggest reason is usually, ‘to test if everything works’.

My personal take on this is, I don’t approve it. I’m not judging or condemning those who’ve done so, but the whole idea of “testing the system” is, IMO cowardice, and something I won’t do. If you love each other and want to live together for the rest of your lives, why should you “take a test drive”? So question, if she doesn’t conceive, will the engagement be broken off? Does it mean that women who sadly can’t give birth don’t deserve to be married? And it’s usually blamed on the woman…What if it’s the man that’s shooting blanks?

So, we all love and want children of our own, and I’m no different. However, children come from God. If it’s meant to be, it will be. If there is a problem conceiving, then the married couple should work through that problem together. We shouldn’t be setting pre-requisites before marriage, it’s just not kosher.

Well, the concept of really getting to know the person before the ceremony has fallen by the wayside for too many. Sex, which is a tiny part of married life, is being modeled in movies and on TV the wrong way 24/7. “Test drives” are a must as if people are so concerned that “if we’re not good in the sack then what’s the point?”

Not that long ago, there was a working system that was gradually sabotaged. It included honoring your mother and father, not excluding them.

1. Dating with NO sex. Sure, some kissing and hugging but ONLY after you’ve become friends with the other person and each of you have earned each other’s trust. Good idea.
2. Going steady. This meant you were seeing no one else and learning about each other. You know, finding out if your personalities matched and that you enjoy each other’s company, because, face it, after 30 years together, enjoying other’s company matters the most. You’ve spent plenty of time in the sack. Your focus should be on keeping your relationship going and enjoying your time together and life in general.
3. Courtship. This is the time where you talk about marriage and your possible future together. You need to know what he or she expects from married life BEFORE the ceremony. You meet her parents, she meets yours. Then, once your convinced he’s not an axe murderer, has a criminal record, or abuses drugs or alcohol, you consider the next step.
4. Engagement. Normally, the young man goes to her father or mother and announces his intentions. Now the young lady’s father was in his twenties once and he gets it. He will ask all the important questions: Where will you live? Are you making enough money? Transportation? Kids? All the important stuff. And either party still gets to change their mind.

My sister was pregnant when she got married at a beautiful and old Catholic Church. In the past, it was not considered a good thing but acceptable because the commitment, for life, was made.

Peace,
Ed

 

[Bonnie]

One of the modern ideas that really puzzles me is that sex is fine early on in the relationship, moving in together is also fine, but discussing finances is till taboo!

 

[KendraDZ1902]

Pregnancy and then marriage because of it has been around since the dawn of time. I’d gladly have that over abortion or the father leaving the mother.

I agree with this to a certain extent. I don’t think you should be forced to marry someone just because they are pregnant. If y’all were already planning on it and became pregnant is one on thing, but the whole “shot gun wedding” is not cool with me.

 

[Kelfa28]

One of the modern ideas that really puzzles me is that sex is fine early on in the relationship, moving in together is also fine, but discussing finances is till taboo!

Which is a big reason why so many marriages fall into trouble. Not so much the fact that finances aren’t communicated but that communication, in general, isn’t practiced. Everyone is still a separate entity when you just live together.

You have your own finances and bills, your own stuff, your own friends and family and no one thinks to combine anything…even when and if they finally do get married.

People are ashamed of their financial situation too…they have skeleton’s in the closet they don’t want disclosed. Bankruptcies, loans that are in default and so on and so forth.

Sex is the easy part for people. Finances…and the shame that comes with it are the hard part.

I will say…despite my husband and I’s past mistakes…we were always honest with each other about every thing…especially finances.

 

[fredmack2]

I’d love your opinions on what has become a ‘normal’ trend, even in our comparatively conservative country, getting married while pregnant.

Several cousins, friends and classmates have all got married while pregnant (some being grooms, others the pregnant brides). A good amount of them Catholics as well. Which is a contrast to my other friends and relatives from the Muslim side. You’ll rarely, if ever see the bride pregnant during her wedding. Something that was quite uncommon a generation ago (as most of you in your own countries will testify). The biggest reason is usually, ‘to test if everything works’.

My personal take on this is, I don’t approve it. I’m not judging or condemning those who’ve done so, but the whole idea of “testing the system” is, IMO cowardice, and something I won’t do. If you love each other and want to live together for the rest of your lives, why should you “take a test drive”? So question, if she doesn’t conceive, will the engagement be broken off? Does it mean that women who sadly can’t give birth don’t deserve to be married? And it’s usually blamed on the woman…What if it’s the man that’s shooting blanks?

So, we all love and want children of our own, and I’m no different. However, children come from God. If it’s meant to be, it will be. If there is a problem conceiving, then the married couple should work through that problem together. We shouldn’t be setting pre-requisites before marriage, it’s just not kosher.

I from Tanzania too but most of the time its family pressure that drives people into marriage. Most being not comfortable with having a child out of wedlock. But again, it can be a trick used by desperate women to get you to marry them!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I honestly don’t understand your question. First you are asking if a pregnant woman should get married. Whether she waits until after the kid is born or not makes no difference. She sinned and unlike some other sinners she is now pregnant. If she went to confession and has repented, who cares if the bride is pregnant or not? The person who had premarital sex that never caused a pregnancy and didn’t repent has a soul at much greater risk

Then you go on to talk about living together. Well, all Catholics know that is a sin. Whether they follow the religion or not is their free will.

But honestly, I have never heard of anyone say ‘Let’s see if we can get pregnant before we choose to marry’. And I don’t even think secular people are that foolish

Angie

 

[Kelfa28]

Then you go on to talk about living together. Well, all Catholics know that is a sin. Whether they follow the religion or not is their free will.

This I disagree with.

I was baptized Catholic at birth…so, technically I was Catholic. In name only…no one taught me the faith at all.

I literally had no idea living together was considered a sin. My parents lived together before marriage and my sister lived with her boyfriend, now husband…and no one scolded them about it. No one told them they were sinning.

Sorry…but it’s certainly not true that every Catholic knows that living with each other before Marriage is a sin.

When I found out about this…after I had found out I was pregnant and had started to really reconsider religion and started researching the Catholic faith for the first time…I was horrified. Literally, horrified…especially since no one had ever told me this in my entire life.

By then…it was too late. I was home and not working…my husband was supporting us and I no longer had family in the area. Neither of us could move.

We decided to just live a chaste life until our wedding day…and we did.

 

[maryjk]

One of the modern ideas that really puzzles me is that sex is fine early on in the relationship, moving in together is also fine, but discussing finances is till taboo!

It isn’t a modern idea. Not at all.

I have been doing some research into my family’s history.

It is hard to believe how many premature babies lived back then. Of course there is always the story my great aunt told about her niece that wore a white wedding grown to the wedding on Saturday, then maternity clothes to Mass on Sunday.

Stuff like this has been going on since Adam and Eve ate the apple.

 

[revert_jen]

Pregnancy and then marriage because of it has been around since the dawn of time. I’d gladly have that over abortion or the father leaving the mother.

A friend of mine’s sister got pregnant while she was engaged (some years ago). The (Catholic) parents couldn’t decide whether to be more upset about the premarital sex, or more happy over the lack of birth control. I believe the wedding may have been moved up a bit to avoid the bridal maternity gown effect.

–Jen