Weekly Confession - healthy or obsessive?

[Adelette]

My mom is a nurse and she works crazy hours. She is also new to catholicism and the sacrament of confession is important to her. To grow stronger in her faith, she has been going to weekly confession and yesterday was upset when confession was canceled, as it was her only opportunity to go. She left a message with a priest to ask if she could give her confession before the service began, but he never returned her call. As such she went to church extra early this morning, hoping to give her confession beforehand so that she could take the communion in good consciousness. The priest was not very nice to her. He told her that her “obsession” with giving a weekly confession was very unhealthy and refused to hear her confession. He said the word “unhealthy” to her about three times. She left in tears, embarassed beyond belief, and is now unsure of whether she should stay with the catholic church. They teach one thing and practice another.

I know the Pope recommends a weekly confession and he himself gives his daily. I don’t see how this friar could possibly consider her desire to confess as a bad thing. He told her she was obsessed with the sacrament - in my opinion this sort of trreatmet of parishioners is likely to push them even farther away from the church.

If anyone has any advice on how I can help my mother through this, or how we should proceed, I would love to hear it.

 

[dove51]

It’s not obsessive. Padre Pio went to daily confession. My own priest is clear that I am to go to weekly confession. This may be for me personally, but judging from the confession lines at my church, I think he probably recommends this for most of us.

I think her priest is wrong. He might not have bad intentions, but could be just cranky or might not know any better. Either way, finding a good confessor is something that is hard for some people. It took me awhile to find the right parish and the right priest to give me solid spiritual advice, and I am eternally grateful that God graced me with this.

I don’t think your mom is in the wrong here, unless she is a very scrupulous person. If she is, she could do with something other than someone telling her she is unhealthy–that won’t help anything at all; in fact, she probably feels worse now. Scrupulosity is not uncommon but it needs proper help. I would urge her to find out if she is unnecessarily harsh with herself and her sins.

I think she could speak to him if she likes, but I doubt I would do that personally. If I were her (and I have had some cruddy experiences in confession) I would look elsewhere for another minister of Christ’s forgiveness.

 

[PJM]

My mom is a nurse and she works crazy hours. She is also new to catholicism and the sacrament of confession is important to her. To grow stronger in her faith, she has been going to weekly confession and yesterday was upset when confession was canceled, as it was her only opportunity to go. She left a message with a priest to ask if she could give her confession before the service began, but he never returned her call. As such she went to church extra early this morning, hoping to give her confession beforehand so that she could take the communion in good consciousness. The priest was not very nice to her. He told her that her “obsession” with giving a weekly confession was very unhealthy and refused to hear her confession. He said the word “unhealthy” to her about three times. She left in tears, embarassed beyond belief, and is now unsure of whether she should stay with the catholic church. They teach one thing and practice another.

I know the Pope recommends a weekly confession and he himself gives his daily. I don’t see how this friar could possibly consider her desire to confess as a bad thing. He told her she was obsessed with the sacrament - in my opinion this sort of trreatmet of parishioners is likely to push them even farther away from the church.

If anyone has any advice on how I can help my mother through this, or how we should proceed, I would love to hear it.

Reply: I am so very sorry! This priest either made an error in judgement or in the manner that he presented his opinion. Either way he was wrong.

Let me first respond to your orginal question.

"Weekly Confession - healthy or obsessive?"

It has the possibility of being either or both depending on the mind set of the one confessing and the state of their soul.

Know that in your mothers case, **it would not be obsessive, **however it also may not be (absolutely) necessary???

The Sacrament of Confession was instituted by Jesus Himself (Jn.20:23) so it HAS TO BE GOOD And one can’t get “too many graces.”

Having said that, it is important that we understand that this Sacrament serves two general purposes.

1. For the forgiveness of Serious (Mortal Sin;s), I stress Mortal Sin, because attendance at Mass, and receiving worthly, Catholic Holy Communion, has the power and effect of removing ALL of our lesser, Veniel sins:thumbsup:

We need to be mindful of all sins in our lifes, but in a special way, All of our Mortal Sins which seperate us from a personal relationship with God, until we "repent (Confess) and vow, with God’s help to avoid those sins in the future.

In order for something to be a Mortal sin all three of these conditions have to exist.

It must be a serious matter: for example *willingly *missing Sunday Mass, or practcing conterceptive sex, or ruining someones reputation ect.

Next: We must know before we commit the act, that it is a Mortal sin

Third: we must do the act using our free will, not being in anyway forced into the action.

If any of these three conditions are missing, then it is NOT a Mortal sin, and can be BUT need not be confessed.

So the first “cause” for this Sacrament is to receive forgiveness and Absolution for our Mortal Sins.

The second cause for this Sacrament is to obtain the Grace that this sacrament offers us, and it is a good and holy practice, but not an essential one. It does provide Grace, and does help us stay closer to our Blessed Lord. And it is a good practice.

What your mother is doing is a wonderful practice if she is going to Confession for either of the two reasons I just explained. If however mom in going to Confess all of her sins (and IF none of them are Motal sins) SHE SHOULD BE AWARE that while this is a good practice, it is not an expetitation of God or of His Church.

Tell her God loves her very much, and will give her all the help she needs to live a good and holy life. But don’t let Satan take advantge
of her desire to walk with her Lord.

What happens when one converts is that God and His angels are VERY happy. But guess who’s not? Yep, Satan. ( I put this forth as ONLY as possibility).

So attend Mass often, daily if possible and go to Confession as often as “you need to,” or are spiritually inclined to. But do it out of LOVE, not out of fear, or only a sense of frequency obligation.

As for the priest. Pray for him. They too are only human. If he is not the pastor, then make an appointment with the Pastor and discuss what happened. He certainly used poor judgement! But keep in mind, they are often very busy, so be kind and charitable in your request.

If futher clairification is wanted, just reply to this post.

Welcome Home
may God continue to bless you BOTH!

PJM m.c.

 

[Nuance]

Mortal sins are not easy to commit on a weekly basis. If your mother has to confess mortal sins every week in order to take the communion in good conscience, then I understand why the priest might consider her lifestyle to be an unhealthy one, although he could have phrased himself more gently.

 

[whatevergirl]

Confession can also be for venial sins, and for keeping one’s conscience clean, and healthy. I don’t think it’s obsessive or unhealthy, and I don’t imagine Jesus would have turned someone away who would have come to Him with a confession of any sort, or called them unhealthy for wishing to discuss his/her sins. Granted the priest could have been pressed for time, but just say that–don’t tell someone that he/she is obsessive…

I’m sorry that happened to your mom, OP. Not sure what advice to give, but I’m offering prayers for her, and for the priest to be gentler with his parishioners from now on.

 

[edward_george]

Without knowing this person on a personal level, I would say that there is probably some just reason for the priest’s advice. It can get unhealthy to confess too often. An old confession manual I have tells that there are two extremes when it comes to our consciences–they may either be too lax, wherein we do not view our actions as being sinful, or they may be scrupulous, wherein we view nearly everything we do as sinful. One with a lax conscience should probably confess more often so as to receive more direction on identifying and rooting out his sins; one with a scrupulous conscience should go less often so as not to be overly burdened by mundane things which are not necessarily sinful. It goes both ways, and the priest here might be right–it can be unhealthy to go too often.

-ACEGC

 

[dcrowmik]

Healthy, not obsessive.

We sin every day, in our thoughts, in our words, in what we do and what we don’t do. Granted, mostly our sins are venial and, technically, are wiped away with Mass and Communion, however it is still a good practice to go to Confession weekly.

 

[MarieVeronica]

My heart goes out to your mom. Please encourage her to persevere.

It might be wise for her to find a different parish, make an appointment with one of the priests… and talk to him, about what happened. It’s ok to do that. I go to Confession at one parish, but attend regular Masses at another.

He will probably advise her on a good amount of times… to confess. I would imagine, that it’s different for everyone. But… I think that once a month, is about average.

Please tell your mom that she is in our prayers. God bless her. And you.

 

[tcraig]

She left in tears, embarassed beyond belief, and is now unsure of whether she should stay with the catholic church. They teach one thing and practice another.

One cancelled confession and one rude priest would make her reconsider being Catholic???

Perhaps you are exaggerating what I bolded, perhaps not. But if your mother really feels this way, then perhaps her priest, while perhaps not being the most tactful, actually has a point.

A person not in a state of mortal sin, who attends weekly confession, really shouldn’t be all that bothered because one confession was missed.

 

[EasterJoy]

One cancelled confession and one rude priest would make her reconsider being Catholic???

Perhaps you are exaggerating what I bolded, perhaps not. But if your mother really feels this way, then perhaps her priest, while perhaps not being the most tactful, actually has a point.

A person not in a state of mortal sin, who attends weekly confession, really shouldn’t be all that bothered because one confession was missed.

I would echo this. Daily exercise is good, too, but if I’m willing to put other people out so that I can maintain my healthy habit, I have to wonder if I haven’t missed an important point.

The laudable habit of frequent confession should not be made into an obligation. The Church does not teach that. If a Catholic starts to think that weekly confession is necessary to, as the OP put it, " take the communion in good consciousness", what then, has that Catholic decided about the efficacy of the Pentitential Rite of the Mass? Is it utterly pointless, then? Won’t that Catholic eventually start to think of those who go less often, too?

If the penitent has been to confession in the past two weeks, has not committed any serious sins, and has started to think that frequent confession is an obligation for worthiness to receive Holy Communion, it would not be out of place for the priest to deny to schedule a special confession on the spur of the moment. The priest has his own spiritual preparations to make before Mass, after all. He shouldn’t be asked to suspend those without a good reason, and he is ultimately the one to judge the situation. One would hope he did not have to say “no” to her request more than once. (As for the answering machine, most priests don’t check them between Friday and Monday or even Tuesday.)

Having said that, who can say what of all this applies to this particular situation? This is a woman who works a demanding job, a job in which she cares for the sick, the suffering, and their families, and with hours that are hard on her. It would be understandable if she became easily upset. It would be understandable if her working conditions put confession in a different league of importance for her than for other people, and for entirely healthy reasons. There is also more to the conversation and situation than any of us know, probably even the OP.

I hope the woman gets a chance to speak to her pastor about this, at length and privately. If she is still upset after that, she should be given to know that she would be within her rights to find a different confessor. It is no judgement on one’s pastor that he isn’t just the right fit as a confessor for everyone in the entire parish. Although there is a danger in doing too much “shopping” to find spiritual guidance and ministry that suits us, when it comes to her needs, she is the ultimate judge, in the same way as her patients are ultimately responsible for their health care choices. She at least deserves a second or third opinion.

 

[RubyT]

One cancelled confession and one rude priest would make her reconsider being Catholic???

Perhaps you are exaggerating what I bolded, perhaps not. But if your mother really feels this way, then perhaps her priest, while perhaps not being the most tactful, actually has a point.

A person not in a state of mortal sin, who attends weekly confession, really shouldn’t be all that bothered because one confession was missed.

The above quote is somewhat confusing to me. Sounds a bit harsh. Just because you are strong in your faith does not mean her Mom is not still struggling with it. Don’t be a nay sayer. We all started with a tiny mustard seed of faith. Perhaps her Mom is just beginning to grow and as she has stated is new to the Church.

Tell your Mom to just pray and confess to God as He hears all that we pray.

I understand your Moms need to confess weekly because I thought that as Catholics we are not supposed to receive communion unlesss we confess. Now I may be wrong on this but as a new Christian she may strongly feel the need to accept the eucharist weekly. I know I do; and I feel bad when I cannot accept the eucharist because I miss church because of work, illness or no confession.
**This brings me to another question must we go to confession in order to receive the eucharist? **

Mortal sins are less common. Venial sins happen if we are aware of them or not only God knows this. So is wanting her confession on a weekly basis to receive the eucharist out of line with Catholic behavior or not? I say not. Tell your Mom God loves her and may be testing her faith. Tell her to keep the faith find a church and pastor she is comfortable with for I am sure that is what God wants for her. God bless you both and I will pray for you.

 

[turtle18]

This is what I see when I read the post:

1.) Priest canceled Confession. It doesn’t matter how busy he is. Priest are not supposed to cancel Confession.

2.) The Priest knows this so knowing that your mom wanted the sacrament & he wasn’t there to offer it, he shirked his duty & took it out on her.

3.) Even if your mom does have “issues”, which I doubt she does, your priest still needs to treat her as a child of God. Confession is a sacrament & what if he acted that way if someone requested Communion, Baptism, Marriage, etc? There isn’t anything about Confession that should be any different & the fact that he told your Mom she had “issues” almost seems to border on him revealing knowledge of her other Confessions, which is a no no.

4.) Most of us struggle with the same sins all the time (I’m not necessarily talking about sexual sins.) Sometimes these sins are mortal. Especially in the workplace environment, it can be very hard & ethical to do the right thing. You want to do it but are so afraid of losing your job you end up doing the wrong thing.

 

[LilyM]

The above quote is somewhat confusing to me. Sounds a bit harsh. Just because you are strong in your faith does not mean her Mom is not still struggling with it. Don’t be a nay sayer. We all started with a tiny mustard seed of faith. Perhaps her Mom is just beginning to grow and as she has stated is new to the Church.

Tell your Mom to just pray and confess to God as He hears all that we pray.

I understand your Moms need to confess weekly because I thought that as Catholics we are not supposed to receive communion unlesss we confess. Now I may be wrong on this but as a new Christian she may strongly feel the need to accept the eucharist weekly. I know I do; and I feel bad when I cannot accept the eucharist because I miss church because of work, illness or no confession.
**This brings me to another question must we go to confession in order to receive the eucharist? **

Mortal sins are less common. Venial sins happen if we are aware of them or not only God knows this. So is wanting her confession on a weekly basis to receive the eucharist out of line with Catholic behavior or not? I say not. Tell your Mom God loves her and may be testing her faith. Tell her to keep the faith find a church and pastor she is comfortable with for I am sure that is what God wants for her. God bless you both and I will pray for you.

Some of this is not correct.

Firstly we are not to recieve communion if we have unconfessed MORTAL (serious) sins on our soul. If we only have venial (minor) sins on our soul, not only are we perfectly OK to accept Communion, even without confession, but in fact the Communion itself absolves us of those venial sins so it’s probably a good idea to do so. So no, we’re not at all obligated to confess every single time we receive communion.

Secondly - it is OK to miss Mass for valid reason.

NECESSARY work on a Sunday (ie if you can’t pay your necessary bills without working on a Sunday, or you work in a hospital or emergency services or something where you can’t shut up shop on a Sunday) and illness are both perfectly OK reasons to miss Mass. As are care of someone who’s ill, or care of children. And perhaps if you’re travelling, depending on the circumstances.

You’re not sinning by missing mass for these reasons, nor are you obligated to confess doing so!

Thirdly - you still must attend Mass whether you’ve confessed or not, whether you’re in a state of mortal sin or not. In fact it’s a further mortal sin if you don’t. The only thing to remember is that if you have mortal sin on your soul you can’t go up and receive Communion.

Having said all of that - weekly confession usually isn’t a sign of scrupulosity, but then again with the priest knowing the woman he may well know that in her case it is, particulary depending on how extreme her reaction was to the cancellation.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Not knowing both sides of the situation, the priest’s as well as your mother’s, I have to state for the record that while most normal, healthy people can handle weekly confession, there is a group of individuals who are known as “scrupes” due to their scrupulous behavior toward confession. They are people who will see a sin where there is none, and turn human failings and accidents into sins.

There are also priests who, for whatever reason, see people who enter the confessional more than at Advent and Lent as scrupes.

Here’s the archive site to Scrupulous Anonymous, the actual Scrupulous Anonymous site, as well as a better explanation at Catholic Spiritual Direction. If your mother doesn’t meet any of the criteria of OCDS, then she needs another priest at another parish if possible.

 

[Adelette]

Thanks everyone! I truly appreciate your kind responses and thoughful answers. I should say that this priest does not know my mother well - he’s only taken her confession twice. I am in no doubt that he was out of line, especially since (and I forgot to mention this earlier) he made these comments in the presence of other parishioners. (It was in the church before the Mass began.) So he was not only rude, but he publicly humiliated her.

As I said, my mother is truly a baby catholic, having finished her catechesis this past Spring. As such she is just coming into her faith and it may not be as strong or well-formed as some. Her desire to go to weekly confession shows a great determination to strengthen that faith, in spite of what some may think.

I wouldn’t consider her a scrupulous catholic, and I know her quite well. This priest, having only taken her confession twice, has no way of knowing whether she is healthy or not. He also doesn’t know her state of mind, and having denied her confession (first by cancelling confession and second by refusing to hear it before Mass) he is keeping her in a state of sin, whether mortal or veniel. He made her feel unwelcome in her own church.

While it is true that priests are only human, they also must realize the role they play in their community. People implicitly trust them and to be treated so cavalierly by a person you put your faith in, could be the last straw for someone already on the brink. Fortunately, my mother is healthy; but were she not, he could have done great damage to her pysche.

 

[Joannm]

There could be a VERY GOOD reason he cancelled confessions. He could have received an emergency call to go to the hospital to anoint a dying parishioner, he could have had to fill in for a neighboring pastor who was ill, the bishop could have called him to a meeting, he might have had to celebrate a family wedding out of state, he himself could have been ill. While he could have been more tactful with your mother in the church, please understand that his cancelling confessions had nothing to do with your mother, and if she indeed was in mortal sin, she could have said an Act of COntrition and gone to confession following Mass. But as others have said, the Penitential Rite at Mass and receiving Communion does absolve one of veniel sin.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is what I see when I read the post:

1.) Priest canceled Confession. It doesn’t matter how busy he is. Priest are not supposed to cancel Confession…

I’d give up confession so a priest could give someone else Last Rites. If a priest has agreed to do a wedding somewhere else and his replacement cannot make it at the last minute, then regularly-scheduled confessions might rightly be cancelled.

2.) The Priest knows this so knowing that your mom wanted the sacrament & he wasn’t there to offer it, he shirked his duty & took it out on her…

Asking someone who made their last confession eight days ago and has not committed a mortal sin since to wait until the next scheduled time is not unreasonable.

At any rate, it is a stretch to say you know the priest “shirked” anything. You didn’t hear the conversation and you don’t know all the facts.

3.) Even if your mom does have “issues”, which I doubt she does, your priest still needs to treat her as a child of God. Confession is a sacrament & what if he acted that way if someone requested Communion, Baptism, Marriage, etc? There isn’t anything about Confession that should be any different & the fact that he told your Mom she had “issues” almost seems to border on him revealing knowledge of her other Confessions, which is a no no.

4.) Most of us struggle with the same sins all the time (I’m not necessarily talking about sexual sins.) Sometimes these sins are mortal. Especially in the workplace environment, it can be very hard & ethical to do the right thing. You want to do it but are so afraid of losing your job you end up doing the wrong thing.

Treating someone as a child of God is not the same as treating them like a child. Adults can cope with reasonable delays. A priest could conclude that a penitent has “issues” just by the public contention that they needed confession before receiving Holy Communion when they had not committed a mortal sin.

Although I will allow that there might be mitigating circumstances that make the general rules not apply here, the right to a sacrament does not mean someone has a right to demand a priest to drop everything to administer a sacrament under non-urgent circumstances.

This doesn’t mean the whole conversation was OK on either side or neither side. We weren’t there. We don’t know. Let’s not accuse the priest, though, either. It is not as if he’s here to defend himself.

 

[RubyT]

LilyM,

Thank you for your clarification. I was not stating facts but rather asking a question about confession as a precurser to receiving communion. I think we are in agreement. This lady does not need to feel the need for confession prior to receiving communion unless she has commited a mortal sin every week. She is new to the faith and thus still learning. Thanks again for answering my question as I had heard that we must confess before receiving communion. In my heart (or maybe from childhood catechism) I knew this was wrong. Since once we confess we are forgiven and thus as long as we don’t commit mortal sins we can receive the holy communion. God bless you and thanks.

 

[Lujack]

Based on the story, I would certainly agree the priest was rude, but there could be a point buried in this. While it is fine and healthy to confess once a week, to become afraid when one misses a single weekly confession and is not in a state of mortal sin is not.

It isn’t the weekly confession that would be unhealthy, it is panicking when that isn’t possible.

 

[LilyM]

Asking someone who made their last confession eight days ago **and has not committed a mortal sin since **to wait until the next scheduled time is not unreasonable.

At any rate, it is a stretch to say you know the priest “shirked” anything. You didn’t hear the conversation and you don’t know all the facts.

Treating someone as a child of God is not the same as treating them like a child. Adults can cope with reasonable delays. A priest could conclude that a penitent has “issues” just by the public contention that they needed confession before receiving Holy Communion when they had not committed a mortal sin.

I’d say that there are some (albeit limited) circumstances where a priest can cancel confessions without shirking his duty.

I also think, though, that it can reasonably be inferred that, having refused to hear her confession and NOT knowing her well on a personal level, the priest in fact did NOT know that she hadn’t committed a mortal sin, and was unreasonable at least in telling her that her desire for confession was unhealthy.