Weight question

[SeaShoreGirl]

Now that most of CAF has determined its rude for a boyfriend to tell a girl she’s overweight, I have another question.

Is it equally unmannerly to tell your girlfriend she needs to gain weight?

 

[LilyM]

I think all the same considerations apply as it would if she were overweight, and the same need exists to find a tactful and non-accusatory non-judgemental way of broaching the subject.

Is it affecting her physical or mental health or her ability to cope with work/housework in any way?

Is it something she is conscious of and perhaps wants help with (by the way, a woman is almost certainly always aware of weight and other appearance issues)

Is it something you really CAN help her with in a meaningful way, other than constant reminders that she is underweight?

 

[chevalier]

Now that most of CAF has determined its rude for a boyfriend to tell a girl she’s overweight, I have another question.

Is it equally unmannerly to tell your girlfriend she needs to gain weight?

If you’re saying this out of concern because she’s losing weight and you’re worrying for her, then this trumps manners. Manners were never meant to become a superficial block to meaningful communication.

Also, if your girlfriend were starving herself so as to please you with her looks and you actually would prefer her in a less starved shape, then it would be rather stupid and possibly uncharitable to stay silent and use manners as an excuse before yourself. In which case, you’d naturally use different wording than, “You need to gain weight.”

(For the avoidance of doubt, charitable concern should take precedence over formal etiquette. As much as I like good manners and dislike bad.)

On the other hand, if you have a taste for plump girls and tell your girlfriend she needs to gain weight, then that’s not particularly well-mannered.

The kind of wording you used would matter a lot, anyway, too.

 

[kevinsgirl]

I personally think your significant other’s health should be important to you, so if their weight is so under or over that it is a health risk, then, yes, you should bring up the topic of aiming for a healthier weight. I think if you bring up weight only for superficial reasons, then it is rude.

KG

 

[Mrs_Sally]

I don’t think it is appropriate to comment on other’s weight either way. If the woman/man is so underweight that you have a concern about their health, it would be OK to talk about the concerns you have about their health, not their weight. And then the proper thing to say is “Dear SO, I’m concerned that you might be ill. I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to your Dr.”

 

[fgh_123]

Good Lord, I would hope that I would always have the trust and relationship with a close girl to be able to speak my mind. I’m easy going, but if there is an issue I would say it. Obviously with tact and decorum as such matters require, but I certainly would be honest enough to her to speak my mind if needed.

 

[SummertimeBlues]

Now that most of CAF has determined its rude for a boyfriend to tell a girl she’s overweight, I have another question.

Is it equally unmannerly to tell your girlfriend she needs to gain weight?

I haven’t dated an underweight girl, but if I did and she was anorexic or something, I think I would say something.

 

[Bartolome_Casas]

Ponder this: Would a devout Catholic be doing something wrong if broke up with girlfriend A because met girl B who is more physically attractive than girlfriend A, and because girl B is interested in dating him?

I don’t think the Catholic Faith is geared up to answer questions like this.

For most of the history of the Catholic Faith and the faith of the Jewish people that preceded it, there was no “dating,” no dating marketplace, no dumping and no breaking up as part of all this.

Human beings prefer to associate with other human being who are more physically attractive than average. That’s just true, whether Catholic or Christian or Hindu or Muslim or Jewish or whatever. Oh, I forget the Buddhists and Scientologists.

Is it a sin to prefer physical attractiveness over physical unattractiveness or averageness? I don’t know. I doubt it, though.

To me, the best solution for all this for EVERY person to make the effort to not be FAT, and not be too THIN. If you take care of that, you will look good enough to find and keep a decent mate. Really, the major problem in the USA is fat. No one likes to look at fat people. That’s just a fact.

But, since we are all fully capable of getting the fat off, in a matter of months, no one should complain if others reject them for being overweight. We should just all handle this as a natural course of things.

That’s what I think. To me, this is the most charitable solution there is. If you want to practice the Christian principle of “love thy neighbor as thyself,” then make the effort to no present your neighbor with an overweight body to look at. Right? Logical, right?

Neither God nor Nature forces anyone to remain fat.

No one would think of going out in public with smelly clothes that have not been washed in weeks, right? (except for the homeless, I guess). Why not? Because it is RUDE.

Then why is it not rude to continuously go out in public with an overweight body? I’m just asking. There is a certain logic to this, right?

Overweight people get rejected and insulted. They then tend to feel sorry for themselves, and blame other people for being intolerant and unloving. But what about their own personal responsibility to be presentable and nice looking as possible to others?

I call this the “Duty to Beauty.”

I think we all have a moral duty to be as beautiful in possible, in our physical bodies, in our speech, in our conduct.

 

[Luvtosew]

If I notice my husband is putting on weight, I make her get on the scale.

 

[trinichiqn]

As someone who is “unnaturally”, naturally skinny I would be offend if a guy I was dating told me I needed to gain weight. I have a hard time putting on and keeping weight on. I eat way more than my sister but I can eat whatever I want including a gallon of ice-cream three days in a row (yes I have done that) and still stay slim. I have a sweet tooth and I am not afraid to use it. I also have a friend on the opposite end of the spectrum, she hardly eats, exercises, the work but she is over-weight. Before you go passing judgement on someones weight you need to consider genetics. I take after my grandmother, she is fine boned like her father and she eats just like me.

Now if the person is overweight and has a gallon of ice-cream in front of them, a burger in the right hand and the sloppy joe in the left and is a really, good and close personal friend then I might say something but otherwise I am cannot just assume why someone is the size they are.

 

[revert_jen]

Is it a sin to prefer physical attractiveness over physical unattractiveness or averageness? I don’t know. I doubt it, though.

No, what is a sin is to consider it to be important in any non-romantic relationship, or to consider it crucial even in a romantic relationship. People can’t help what they are physically attracted to, but they must override their reactions to appearance with ideas of the whole person based on reason and judgement.

I think that by and large, you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t find physically attractive. But at some point in the relationship (hopefully before marriage) love for the actual person starts taking over the load from mere physical attraction. This is good because the body and face will change over the years, but the person inside may only become even more beautiful, and that is something that you can help each other with.

But, since we are all fully capable of getting the fat off, in a matter of months, no one should complain if others reject them for being overweight. We should just all handle this as a natural course of things.

Your premise is faulty and your conclusion does not follow from it.

No, everyone could not be thin if they just tried for a few (or even several) months. Even if they could, they may have (gasp!) more important things to concentrate on in their lives. They may not have the energy for devoting themselves to a weight-loss/gain program because they are raising children, working hard, striving for spiritual growth, volunteering to help the needy, or any number of other things. It is not for you to decide what is most important in everyone else’s lives.

And aside from that, we are not to reject people based on their appearance. Not because they have funny teeth, or because they have a funny-shaped nose, or weird eyes or sticky-out ears (actually, sometimes that is kinda cute ), or because they are too fat or too thin or because they don’t wear the amount of makeup we happen to like.

Sometimes the way someone is dressed or made up is designed to make a statement, and it seems prudent to take that statement into account. But even so, we are not to reject people based on it.

No one would think of going out in public with smelly clothes that have not been washed in weeks, right? (except for the homeless, I guess). Why not? Because it is RUDE.

Then why is it not rude to continuously go out in public with an overweight body? I’m just asking. There is a certain logic to this, right?

Overweight people get rejected and insulted. They then tend to feel sorry for themselves, and blame other people for being intolerant and unloving. But what about their own personal responsibility to be presentable and nice looking as possible to others?

I call this the “Duty to Beauty.”

I think we all have a moral duty to be as beautiful in possible, in our physical bodies, in our speech, in our conduct.

You may feel that way, but the Church has never said so, and in my opinion, you have merely made a principle out of your idea that it is everyone’s responsibility not to offend your eyes by not being attractive. What about older people? Should they stay home because you don’t find them attractive? Or is it OK for elderly people to come into view, as long as they don’t commit the additional “sin” of being plump or skinny?

Your speech here, which is completely lacking in charity for those people who suffer from and fight a propensity to overweight or have a serious difficulty gaining weight, is not beautiful. If you do reject people for not looking the way you feel they ought to, your conduct in this matter is not beautiful either.

Please rethink your position in light of the fact that it really is what is inside that matters most. Being overweight is not like wearing smelly clothes, and even if it were, you really shouldn’t reject people for wearing them. It is only rude if it is done with the intent to offend. Otherwise it, like being overweight, is merely unfortunate.

–Jen

 

[rayne89]

I haven’t dated an underweight girl, but if I did and she was anorexic or something, I think I would say something.

Anorexia is an eating disorder that can very much be life threatening. If a guy suspected his girlfriend has anorexia he should definitely say something. But it should not be “put on weight”. That simply would not be helpful or effective. Anorexia needs to be addressed by medical professionals. Deep concern for your girlfriends health would be an appropriate response.

 

[LilyM]

amen! If It were easy, or even reasonably easy, for everyone, most everyone would do it. If it were important, Our Lord and the Church would’ve said something a bit more specific than ‘do as you would be done by’.

I mean most people are offended by stupidity - is being stupid a sin? Is everyone under a duty to to get a PhD in rocket science or equivalent? Most people are offended by the smell of garlic - does that mean it is sinful for me to eat that plate of garlic prawns for dinner? Am I under some sort of duty never to eat it?

Point being, we all of us offend others by our physical appearance sometimes. No one will agree with all our choices in clothing, footwear, hairstyle, makeup, scent, or whatever. We have no duty to be inoffensive. Christ offended a lot of people - some He deliberately offended.

No, what is a sin is to consider it to be important in any non-romantic relationship, or to consider it crucial even in a romantic relationship. People can’t help what they are physically attracted to, but they must override their reactions to appearance with ideas of the whole person based on reason and judgement.

I think that by and large, you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t find physically attractive. But at some point in the relationship (hopefully before marriage) love for the actual person starts taking over the load from mere physical attraction. This is good because the body and face will change over the years, but the person inside may only become even more beautiful, and that is something that you can help each other with.

Your premise is faulty and your conclusion does not follow from it.

No, everyone could not be thin if they just tried for a few (or even several) months. Even if they could, they may have (gasp!) more important things to concentrate on in their lives. They may not have the energy for devoting themselves to a weight-loss/gain program because they are raising children, working hard, striving for spiritual growth, volunteering to help the needy, or any number of other things. It is not for you to decide what is most important in everyone else’s lives.

And aside from that, we are not to reject people based on their appearance. Not because they have funny teeth, or because they have a funny-shaped nose, or weird eyes or sticky-out ears (actually, sometimes that is kinda cute ), or because they are too fat or too thin or because they don’t wear the amount of makeup we happen to like.

Sometimes the way someone is dressed or made up is designed to make a statement, and it seems prudent to take that statement into account. But even so, we are not to reject people based on it.

You may feel that way, but the Church has never said so, and in my opinion, you have merely made a principle out of your idea that it is everyone’s responsibility not to offend your eyes by not being attractive. What about older people? Should they stay home because you don’t find them attractive? Or is it OK for elderly people to come into view, as long as they don’t commit the additional “sin” of being plump or skinny?

Your speech here, which is completely lacking in charity for those people who suffer from and fight a propensity to overweight or have a serious difficulty gaining weight, is not beautiful. If you do reject people for not looking the way you feel they ought to, your conduct in this matter is not beautiful either.

Please rethink your position in light of the fact that it really is what is inside that matters most. Being overweight is not like wearing smelly clothes, and even if it were, you really shouldn’t reject people for wearing them. It is only rude if it is done with the intent to offend. Otherwise it, like being overweight, is merely unfortunate.

–Jen

 

[Owlpride]

My wife is a stick-about 5’4 & 100 pounds. She needs to gain some weight because she looks TOO thin. I’m just worried about her-it’s out of worry that I would ask her to check with her doc on it…

 

[joanofarc2008]

I was a medic in the Army. I got paid to comment about people’s weight. It was just a matter of learning tact - when I felt like it.

 

[TrueLight]

Ponder this: Would a devout Catholic be doing something wrong if broke up with girlfriend A because met girl B who is more physically attractive than girlfriend A, and because girl B is interested in dating him?

I don’t think the Catholic Faith is geared up to answer questions like this.

For most of the history of the Catholic Faith and the faith of the Jewish people that preceded it, there was no “dating,” no dating marketplace, no dumping and no breaking up as part of all this.

Human beings prefer to associate with other human being who are more physically attractive than average. That’s just true, whether Catholic or Christian or Hindu or Muslim or Jewish or whatever. Oh, I forget the Buddhists and Scientologists.

Is it a sin to prefer physical attractiveness over physical unattractiveness or averageness? I don’t know. I doubt it, though.

To me, the best solution for all this for EVERY person to make the effort to not be FAT, and not be too THIN. If you take care of that, you will look good enough to find and keep a decent mate. Really, the major problem in the USA is fat. No one likes to look at fat people. That’s just a fact.

But, since we are all fully capable of getting the fat off, in a matter of months, no one should complain if others reject them for being overweight. We should just all handle this as a natural course of things.

That’s what I think. To me, this is the most charitable solution there is. If you want to practice the Christian principle of “love thy neighbor as thyself,” then make the effort to no present your neighbor with an overweight body to look at. Right? Logical, right?

Neither God nor Nature forces anyone to remain fat.

No one would think of going out in public with smelly clothes that have not been washed in weeks, right? (except for the homeless, I guess). Why not? Because it is RUDE.

Then why is it not rude to continuously go out in public with an overweight body? I’m just asking. There is a certain logic to this, right?

Overweight people get rejected and insulted. They then tend to feel sorry for themselves, and blame other people for being intolerant and unloving. But what about their own personal responsibility to be presentable and nice looking as possible to others?

I call this the “Duty to Beauty.”

I think we all have a moral duty to be as beautiful in possible, in our physical bodies, in our speech, in our conduct.

Wow. Are you really young?

 

[chevalier]

I mean most people are offended by stupidity - is being stupid a sin?

It might be actually. Stupidity isn’t really caused by a lack of horsepower, it’s more about not knowing how to think or not wanting to. The former less so (although still) but the latter could be sinful.

Point being, we all of us offend others by our physical appearance sometimes. No one will agree with all our choices in clothing, footwear, hairstyle, makeup, scent, or whatever. We have no duty to be inoffensive. Christ offended a lot of people - some He deliberately offended.

I wouldn’t be so sure about the bolded sentence. Christ offended a lot of people in the course of saving us. But He never relished in offending people, was never high-handed about it, He never offended anybody just because He wanted to make a statement protected by the first amendment.

Point being, we need to stop with the perspective of our rights and start looking at charity in a fuller, broader light. Generally, if we look at our rights, we find a justification to do something or refuse to do something and we stop right at that because we’re in our right, in a legalistic view. Sure, we have no duty to be inoffensive, per se, but we can’t avoid the duty of at least some care of our neighbours’ well-being, at least in not hurting them without need (I’m half-stealing from a British judge explaining the foundations of tort law some 200 years ago ).

When Christ deliberately offended people, it was always for a purpose and that purpose was salvation, including their own salvation, it was never just to work them up or just to land a punch or to ignore their feelings for the sake of personal expression.

So, sure, we don’t owe everybody else going to gym because they don’t like looking at fat people but on the other hand we don’t really have much of a good position if we go on developing on offensive style for the sake of personal expression (where offending our neighbours and having them bear it for the sake of our rights is part of the style). Hence, for example, barring some special circumstances, we owe it to people to take a shower if we intended to get on a bus. There is a million more important things but this isn’t irrelevant.

 

[cviolette]

It depends on the situation and the relationship between the two people.

For example, it my daughter was to start losing weight and I was concerned that she had an eating disorder I would talk to her. Diabetes runs in my family, I have discussed my brother’s diet with him because he takes insulin.

Both my sisters are always asking me for diet and training advice. I tell them both that they don’t need to lose weight but do give them ideas on how to eat healthier and what supplements to take. It is better to focus on health and not the scale.

My husband is skinny and can eat whatever he wants. If he was over weight I would do what I am currently doing. I make sure he eats healthy. I cook his dinner and pack his lunch. I make sure he has oatmeal and Greek yogurts available for him to eat for breakfast since I am gone by the time he gets up.

I just don’t like to focus on the looks part.

 

[Serap]

Before having kids, I was underweight and I used to be told that I was too skinny all the time.

Now I am 13 lbs heavier and feel and look much healthier.

I think 1/2 the women were jealous and the other half were concerned for my health.

So no, I didn’t think it was rude.

 

[EasterJoy]

It is rude to make unsolicited personal comments.

It is sometimes necessary to confront someone about their behaviors, but this does not fall on as many people as the general public thinks that it does, particularly when the behavior is not illegal or life-theatening. In other words, if you have reason to believe a friend is anorexic or bulimic, that is one thing. If you simply think her diet is too strict, that is another.

There are people who have the jurisdiction and duty to correct certain other people in their lives, but even these need to have some tact. Even as an adult, your sister or parent might approach you about your eating habits when they seem unhealthy, but even they need to do this with a respect that recognizes that you are the one who ultimately has the choice about what you’ll eat and when.