Welcoming sinners without compromising morals

[TarAshly]

vluvski:

Tar, you assume far too much about my character as it relates to this issue. I’m not a conceited bridezilla who has finished bringing hell down upon my family, my future in-laws, and my wedding party and is now looking for everything wrong with everyone else’s engagement and marriage. Marriage is a bond that cannot be broken, yet these couples are being set up for failure when rules are indiscriminately bent and broken. When 75% of couples are cohabiting through engagement, I think that is reason to believe there is a problem with how the Church is treating this important time of preparation. We have couples denied marriage at a church because they haven’t been official members or because they have too many bridesmaids. The church has rules about where to put flowers and whether the flowers are real and who is and isn’t allowed to play the organ… All these rules about the day, but when it comes to the sacrament itself, it seems like they just roll over.

There is no need to get defensive if you started your marriage in a less-than-ideal situation. Some of you have admitted you wish you hadn’t started off that way. Don’t we owe it to couples preparing for marriage to help them find a way to start of right? Perhaps if the Church was setting a better precedent, more couples would find a way to make things work instead of doing the easy thing and living together and/or falling into sexual sin.

Well thanks for clearing that up for me, im only actually married, i have only actually been there in the situation and have only actually experianced that. but your outside views from no experiance what so ever are very helpful…preciate it! … and by the way my marriage was started off right. one man one woman commited to loving each other till death do us part. If my priest thought it was ok and thought we were good candidates for marriage then trust me i take your opinion and others with a grain of salt. no one’s judgements matter to me except God. and when i have nursed my husband through illness and hospitalization, through failed business ventures. when i have been his biggest cheerleader and fan through success with his new business, when he tells me how much he loves coming home at night well then i know that I am a good wife, i have a good marriage and your judgements cant tell me otherwise. I sincerely hope that your marriage is as perfect as your engagement seems to be. just keep in mind that its not just us evil, sin filled, bad marriage having, cohabitators who get divorced or have fights and problems…its other couples too.

 

[vluvski]

It does not appear there is a specific teaching/rule that couples may not live together before marriage. However, cohabitation is morally problematic at best because it likely constitutes near occasion of sin. It also a source of scandal. See Fr. Serpa’s response to a couple sharing a hotel room:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=77145&highlight=hotel+room

 

[TarAshly]

Right on!

Ana:

In my case we were cohabitating, the Truth was NEVER compromised, and we were STILL allowed to marry in the Church. Because of our spiritual state, we were not able to participate FULLY. But the Church in her motherly LOVE and WISDOM gave us what she was able, without compromising. Our marriage was indeed blessed by God, whether you or anyone else likes the fact.

Actually it’s not. Karin was kind enouth to quote the CCC.
You are assuming the marriage was invalid to begin with. That it’s validity is only proved by the couple not divorcing. This is not true, not all divorces merit annulment, and not all cohabitating couples marriages are invalid based on that fact alone.

Fix’s post which points out the sacrilage involved even points out the fact that the marriage is VALID.

So you are saying though the marriage was never valid to begin with, the couple who makes the right decisions (despite thier impaired judgement) and somehow gets it right, will never need to know the unfortunate news that their marriage in fact never existed in the eyes of God?

How do you know that any of those reasons are the reasons the couple chose to marry eachother? You are assuming and judging motives (which you have no possible way of knowing). It is possible that they may not have everything the the right way, but do have the right REASONS for getting married.

You cannot be sure of the interior effort made by the couple. It is not their responsibility to share with you their spiritual life. So, unless they SAY, I reject the Church’s teaching on cohabitation and I do not care at all what she say’s, I am not even trying or considering being chaste, I am going to do what I want … You should assume they are trying (as Catholics we are called to do this), and whether their efforts bear fruit or when they do, REALLY is outside of your domain. Praying and fasting for them, offering up sacrifices would be the most beneficial thing to do, not getting pissy that the Church is marrying them … shaking your head and thinking they are not good enough, as if you are somehow being offended by their presence, and think you know better than the Church, who does allow them to marry.

 

[Ana]

vluvski:

It does not appear there is a specific teaching/rule that couples may not live together before marriage. However, cohabitation is morally problematic at best because it likely constitutes near occasion of sin. It also a source of scandal. See Fr. Serpa’s response to a couple sharing a hotel room:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=77145&highlight=hotel+room

I don’t think anyone is defending cohabitation or premarital sex. We are speaking of the Church’s decisions to allow these couples to marry in the Church.

 

[fix]

vluvski:

It does not appear there is a specific teaching/rule that couples may not live together before marriage. However, cohabitation is morally problematic at best because it likely constitutes near occasion of sin. It also a source of scandal. See Fr. Serpa’s response to a couple sharing a hotel room:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=77145&highlight=hotel+room

Here is an interesting piece:

**Is Scandal Still a Possibility? **

1. For society: As society no longer adheres to traditional moral values and norms, scandal becomes less and less of a concern to many people. Even so, the church still teaches clearly and consistently that premarital sexual intercourse objectively is mortally sinful. Couples who live together, even if they are not engaging in premarital sexual relations, give the impression to the community that such an arrangement is totally acceptable. Additionally, should the couple marry and later divorce there is widespread acceptance of such an event. Is it any wonder that the United States has the highest divorce rate in the world?

2. For the church: When a cohabiting or sexually active couple approaches the church for marriage, how should the priest, or those charged with the duty of giving them the very best preparation, react? This situation places the ministers of the church in a difficult position. Specifically, how can the priest preach the word of God and uphold the church’s teaching on chastity and premarital sex with any integrity while at the same time allowing an unmarried couple to live together as if there is nothing morally wrong with that arrangement? It is a scandal to the church, the body of Christ, when her members freely choose to live in a state of grave sin.

3. For engaged couples: Imagine two different engaged couples visiting the priest of a local parish, seeking to be married in the church. One couple has chosen to live according to the teachings of the church. It is difficult for them to abstain from premarital sexual relations, but they have committed themselves to one another and to God that they are going to try very diligently to wait until their wedding night to give themselves to one another in that loving sexual act. This couple anxiously awaits their wedding day and the guests who will witness their vows before God and his church. The other couple, however, comes to the priest, and they inform him that they are living together and that they plan to continue to do so until their wedding day. The couple admits that they are engaging in premarital sexual relations. The couple wants to have a big wedding in the church, just like the other engaged couple. What will the first couple or even the second couple think if the priest allows this second couple to have a big church wedding?

How we celebrate marriages of cohabiting couples can cause confusion and scandal. How can the church be both compassionate and understanding, and at the same time speak with clarity regarding the teachings of the Scriptures?

Because of the awkwardness of dealing with these situations in the concrete, some priests have taken the approach, “Don’t ask. Don’t tell.” Not only does this create even more confusion, as in the cases mentioned above, but it is also being dishonest and unfair to the couple who is trying to follow the church’s teaching.

Some priests sincerely feel they are acting out of compassion for the cohabiting couple, knowing how difficult it might be to challenge them to live apart. Compromising the full truth of the Bible, however, is really a disservice because Jesus teaches that the truth will set us free no matter how difficult the sacrifice may *be.22 *

In the end it is this freedom that is finally the goal of marriage preparation. "The whole meaning of freedom, and self-control which follows from it, is thus directed toward self-giving in communion and friendship with God and with others."23 A man and a woman freely give themselves to each other as a gift of their love. The more freedom that exists in their relationship, the greater their gift to one another…

catholicculture.org/docs/doc_view.cfm?recnum=397

 

[vluvski]

Somehow a number of you got the feeling I’m a lot more extreme that I really am. I have not wrongfully judged anyone.

When a couple says, “well, we knew it wouldn’t be the best idea to live together, but it was just so convenient!” I think that’s a red flag that they haven’t put a whole lot of effort into different living arrangements, especially when both families live within 20 minutes of their new home together and both the man and the woman drive company cars with company-paid gas. Scandal is a particularly big problem in this specific couples case because the woman is a cheerleading coach at the Catholic high school and has sponsored umpteen young women for Confirmation.

When a couple publicly caress one another between the legs and press their pelvises together when they hug and are later seen entering and leaving the same room rather disheveled, I think that’s a good indication that they are not putting a lot of effort into chastity, whether or not they are having sex.

My big question is, "Why so many?" I’m really worried that the people advising these couples have turned a blind eye to their behavior. The current situation is grounds for being more vigilant, not more accomodating.

 

[Ana]

Sorry, I don’t know how to post a link.

Previous QuestionNext Question RE: Cohabitation/Marriage…

Question from Stan on 10/20/2005: ewtn.com/images/printer.gifFr. Gantley: Thank you for your response to my question. But the counsel of the U.S. bishops that you were kind enough to post seems to assume that a cohabitating couple approaching a priest for marriage would be sincere enough to be willing to seperate, or at least be willing to cease any sexual activity and live as brother & sister. What of the cohabitating couple who is having regular sexual relations, and has no intention of changing that? Does that change anything?

Answer by Rev. Mark J. Gantley, JCL on 10/21/2005:

I think that it is fair to insist that the couple go to confession prior to the marriage ceremony.

These situations are difficult because people have a natural right to marriage – a right recognized (canonized) in Church law. So one ,must be very careful about restricting the right to marry beyond what is stated in Church law. Church law has not made cohabitation an impediment. So it clearly cannot be treated as one. I think also it is best to look at the situation as one in which there is a ray of hope. At least the couple desires to be married in the Church. One never knows when further conversion of heart may take place. By imposing a harsh policy regarding cohabitating couples, the result could be driving couples away rather than hoping for the best. Also, one must refrain from judging people. We cannot tell how much a couple truly understands the teachings of the Church and how much invincible ignorance might be involved. If someone is truly invincibly ignorant, then no sin is present. In our increasingly secular culture, unfortunately such ignorance is getting more and more common.
COPYRIGHT 2005

 

[vluvski]

Question from Stan on 10/20/2005:

ewtn.com/images/printer.gifFr. Gantley: Thank you for your response to my question. But the counsel of the U.S. bishops that you were kind enough to post seems to assume that a cohabitating couple approaching a priest for marriage **would be sincere enough to be willing to separate, or at least be willing to cease any sexual activity and live as brother & sister. ** What of the cohabitating couple who is having regular sexual relations, and has no intention of changing that? Does that change anything?

Answer by Rev. Mark J. Gantley, JCL on 10/21/2005:

I think that it is fair to insist that the couple go to confession prior to the marriage ceremony.

These situations are difficult because people have a natural right to marriage – a right recognized (canonized) in Church law. So one ,must be very careful about restricting the right to marry beyond what is stated in Church law. Church law has not made cohabitation an impediment. So it clearly cannot be treated as one. I think also it is best to look at the situation as one in which there is a ray of hope. At least the couple desires to be married in the Church. One never knows when further conversion of heart may take place. By imposing a harsh policy regarding cohabitating couples, the result could be driving couples away rather than hoping for the best. Also, one must refrain from judging people. We cannot tell how much a couple truly understands the teachings of the Church and how much invincible ignorance might be involved. If someone is truly invincibly ignorant, then no sin is present. In our increasingly secular culture, unfortunately such ignorance is getting more and more common.
COPYRIGHT 2005
Our difference of opinion seems to stem from how we view the problem. I would not have been shocked if one or two couples turned out to be living together, and I would have assumed the advising priest had couselled the couple properly concerning the propriety of their living situation. Thus, an individual case or even a group of individual cases is not going to bother me much. I’m willing to mind my own business.

When I discovered that such a large percentage of the couples on the weekend were living together, I picked up on a trend. That is when my ears perked to some of the red-flag type attitudes I mentioned in the previous post.

Addressing your quote specifically, Stan refers to a statement by the USCCB that pretty much echoes my sentiments toward a couple who is asking for marriage, that generally the couple ought to be open to different living arrangements or at least a renewed commitment to chastity. This is where our thoughts diverge. I give the couple the benefit of the doubt, assuming that, if properly instructed, they would do what was asked of them by the church if it was within their means. Ana and TarAshly give the priests the benefit of the doubt and assume the couple’s hearts were closed to finding a better way, so the priest met them where they were.

My brain is wired to notice patterns. A few couples being stubborn tells me the priests deserve the benefit of the doubt. A situation where cohabitation is the norm suggests a more serious problem that priests are afraid to tell the truth. THAT is why the weekend was so bothersome!

I’ve said over and over on this thread that “send them packing” is not my proposed solution. No one seemed to pick up on the second half of that where I recognize the tragedy of losing the couple ‘to oblivion’ if the Church just turns them away. I’ve even cited an example of a close friend of mine who was trapped in her living situation. It would certainly have been an injustice to deny her a Catholic wedding.

Ana, thanks for refraining from personal attacks. Your most recent post that is quoted here was very helpful. I really, truly am not trying to single out you or anyone else on this thread. I think your priest handled your situation in the best possible way.

TarAshly, congratulations on your upcoming anniversary. I’m sure your ceremony was as beautiful and blessed as mine will be. We don’t see eye to eye on most issues, but that’s ok. You have experiences I haven’t, but I have more firsthand knowledge than you would ever believe. The bit about assumptions cuts both ways.

 

[TableServant]

vluvski:

There is no particular priest in question, that is why it is such a problematic issue. These couples came from all over the diocese. Something is wrong when over half the couples at an engaged encounter are living together.

I agree that there is something wrong here. Several somethings, in fact. I’d cite some pretty heavy societal influence on couples who have had little catechesis, either or as youth or certainly as adults, along with a variety of cultural, and yes, church, issues in these cases.

Many couples coming to the church to celebrate the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony have little understanding of what they are asking for. Most, I’d say, believe that they are asking only for the ceremony itself, the legal recognition, and may not even have a basic understanding of Sacramental Theology on which to teach.

That makes it very difficult to teach a true Catholic understanding of marriage, and leads to the “Because the Church said so” attitude about why they should live apart before marriage, which for many, correctly or incorrectly, is not sufficient justification. The pressures of society and our fast-paced, throw-away culture (which pervades even our concept of relationship) lead many people, every day, to believe that, since everyone else does it, and it feels good, and there are “over-whelming” financial and emotional benefits - not to mention the sex - it must be OK to cohabitate, no matter what the church says.

I’m not saying that it is right, just giving the observation. This is definitely a catechetical moment, and, for some, a revelatory one! I pray for all of those involved in preparing couples for the celebration, that their efforts bear fruit, that the Holy Spirit work through them to reach these couples, and that they experience the joy of the celebration, rather than the exhaustion of frustration with those that they feel they have not been able to reach.

Now, one more point. The repentance from any sin here is not necessarily going to be a public one. The facts of each couple’s situation may only be, and perhaps should only be, known to the couple and the priest or deacon celebrant. We, as the Church’s official witness, must be aware of the couple’s state and status prior to the ceremony. I, personally, recommend celebration of Reconciliation prior to Matrimony, and try to assist couples in their examination of conscience before making an appointment with a priest.

Again, I’m not saying that we should hold back in teaching the truth, but that we can’t judge the level or state of someone else’s repentance, and we can’t just assume that they are having sex, or that their priest hasn’t said something. We can keep teaching, keep encouraging, and keep living out the example of Christ.

 

[rayne89]

Ok I’m not sure I want to step into this firestorm but here’s my humble opinion.

The priest counseling the engaged couple should always be open about what the church teaches. Cohabitation as a general rule is wrong before marriage but there are exceptions and I think it’s up to the priest to discern each individual case.

Also for those who grew up poorly catechised like I did I think it’s important to meet people where they are in their spiritual journey. I’m sure being a priest these days in unbelievably difficult. I think if a couple shows any possiblity of growing in faith they should be given the benefit of the doubt and a lot of gentle guidance. A judgenmental attitude will make them feel attacked and put them on the defensive making it difficult to open their hearts to church teachings they do not yet understand.

I know there are those that believe a hard line approach to those Catholics who don’t adhere to everything the church teaches. But how many here used to be one of those Catholics. I was. I was married outside the church, had sex before I was married and used birthcontrol for the 1st 4 years of our marriage. I didn’t come back to the faith by someone getting in my face and saying repent or you’ll go to hell. People not strong enough in their faith are driven away by such people. It’s easy for those solid in their faith to think that laying down the law would be the best approach but that because we are already strong in our faith, and would live and die for it. Patience, compassion, understanding and prayer will more likely touch these people’s hearts…

Vluvski if your so concerned about these couples why don’t you and your fiance befriend some of them. They probably could use a solid Catholic couple as a role model. Do not be so quick to judge, you don’t know where they are in their faith walk. It is sad that so many Catholics have grown up without solid instruction but we must work with what we have.

 

[Island_Oak]

fix:

I can’t speak to your personal situation, but if one gets married when when is in devoid of sanctifying grace, as those who are fornicating, one will get no grace from the sacrament of marriage until one is absolved in confession.

How do you support this claim? Do you apply it just to fornicating Catholics? Aren’t Catholics free to marry non-Catholics? Certainly those sacramental marriages confer grace on the marital partners even though one half of the couple may never have atoned for a single sin. Is it not true that some faithful spouses are able to lead their non-Catholic spouses to the faith? How could this EVER happen in the absence of grace?

 

[Brad]

Orionthehunter:

I personally know of couiples who cohabitated prior to marriage. Prior to their marriage, after the talk I referred to in post #8, they agreed to live in separate bedrooms and live as brother and sister. I have no doubt they fulfilled this promise.

As a person who got married civilly as my wife had not yet rec’d her annulment, after she rec’d her annullment, we lived this way until our marriage was blessed.

The Church has high expectations of its members. We should have equally high expectations. With God’s grace and their commitment of their God-given will, it is not only possible but probable.

Granted, there are always exceptions, although few.

Catholic high expectations: physically separate until appropriately being together.

Lower expectations: stay physically together and work to resist temptation.

 

[Brad]

Karin:

Really… !!!
Just becuase you may not be able to live with someone before marriage without sinning… DO NOT ASSUME THAT OTHERS CAN NOT EITHER!

I see. So what you are suggesting is that it is more difficult to physically live in different locations than it is to resist the temptation to sleep with someone you intend to sleep with.

Some of us just aren’t that holy. I don’t like to play poker with the devil. What’s so hard about waiting?

 

[Karin]

Brad:

I see. So what you are suggesting is that it is more difficult to physically live in different locations than it is to resist the temptation to sleep with someone you intend to sleep with.

What I am saying is that if folks live together before marriage (for whatever reason) not all of them are having sex. And physically living in different locations is no assurance either that you will not have sex before marriage. The difficulty of the situation (either one) depends ont he couple …for some it is a non-issue and for others it is an issue.

Brad:

Some of us just aren’t that holy. I don’t like to play poker with the devil. What’s so hard about waiting?

There is nothing hard about waiting…but some people choose to share a home, please note I did not mention a bed, before marriage and many of them have valid reasons. By all means this may not work for everyone and I am not implying that it should…

 

[Brad]

Ana:

And don’t let the door kick you on your way out … eh! But if they are able to freely consent to marriage, are open to life, are willing to raise their children Catholic, why can’t they get married without receiving the Eucharist? and be a member of Christ’s Church in the meantime?They can still receive grace through the SACRAMENT of marriage, even if they are not able to participate fully as members of Christ’s Church. Hoping that graces will flow from there to bring them into an ever greater conformity to God’s will, which is what we all seek.
One of those graces may be REPENTANCE … you never know! BTW that comes before Confession.

You cut yourself off from grace if you stay in unrepentant sin. It is very sad and so normal. Repentance is an act of will with God’s grace. Why would someone want the grace that God has to give when at the same time they refuse to believe that He is right and that Confession is the door to the most bountiful graces? They can only receive grace through the sacrament if the will to receive it.

Ana:

It is not the advice that heals. It is the treatment (grace).

Then why not receive communion at age 1 and confirmation at age 2? Marriage at age 3?

Ana:

You are implying that we can overcome sin on our own strength. It is possible that a couple may KNOW the right thing, might be willing to make the right choice, but lack the strength (grace) needed to overcome. Sometimes God allows us to struggle in our sin for our humility and His glory. We cannot set time limits on when He chooses to move. Only do our best to be ready to respond to His call.

No. I’m saying that you cannot receive grace without accepting it. His call comes when the Truth is spoken and not hidden under a bushel basket.

Ana:

How can you desire Confession without the grace of repentance?

Repentance is not a grace. It is an act of the will and intellect made possible by grace.

Ana:

Again, I am not saying that they should not be taught. I was married in the Church and not in one instance was the Truth compromised. I was not under any grand illusion that my husband and I were NOT living in sin. On a deep level we knew it was wrong. But we were not at the place spiritually where we could exhibit the kind of grace needed to make those life changes. It was through the Sacrament of Marriage, and an ever deepening relationship with God that we received those graces. Why would you want to deny the couple the very things needed to overcome sin in their life?

Now you are suggesting that you can exhibit grace. Not possible. That’s God’s work. Your work in participation with His grace is repentance. Without repentance, no grace benefit. Why do you think Catholic divorce rate is so high? Didn’t the sacrament give them all they needed?

 

[HappyCatholic01]

It seems odd that the Church has a compulsion to administer one sacrament (marriage) while certain couples may be in the state of mortal sin, but not another (Eucharist in a Mass).

Where is the logic in that? it would seem the only valid Sacraments for adults (past confirmation) would be the Annointing of the Sick (assuming someone could not dispose themselves opf confession), and of course, Confession itself.

I don’t expect anyone here to know, since we don;t make the rules, but it seems odd marriage is a canonical right, but the Eucharist isn’t?

So does that mean those couples can have a Catholic marriage sans the Eucharist?

I think Vluvskis point is getting lost in the shuffle: what should the Church do as their obligation to couple’s who are IN FACT living in sin, or MAY BE doing so?

Don’t get off track and defend the couple’s, address how to help them, and th Church’s role. This has tunred into a “judge not lest ye be judged topic” (as many often do on this website…)

 

[vluvski]

Befriending some of the other couples is a terrific idea. We have email addresses for the entire group, so I’ll contact them just to keep in touch.

My fiance and I intend to participate in marriage preparation or some form of catechesis as a way of demonstrating our “couple love.” Both of us have a strong interest in educating people about chastity and Theology of the Body.

I understand some diocese assign a sponsor couple to each engaged couple for support and prayer. I think Orionthehunter does this. Anyone else? What does that entail?

 

[Orionthehunter]

rayne89:

Ok I’m not sure I want to step into this firestorm but here’s my humble opinion.

The priest counseling the engaged couple should always be open about what the church teaches. Cohabitation as a general rule is wrong before marriage but there are exceptions and I think it’s up to the priest to discern each individual case.

Also for those who grew up poorly catechised like I did I think it’s important to meet people where they are in their spiritual journey. I’m sure being a priest these days in unbelievably difficult. I think if a couple shows any possiblity of growing in faith they should be given the benefit of the doubt and a lot of gentle guidance. A judgenmental attitude will make them feel attacked and put them on the defensive making it difficult to open their hearts to church teachings they do not yet understand.

I know there are those that believe a hard line approach to those Catholics who don’t adhere to everything the church teaches. But how many here used to be one of those Catholics. I was. I was married outside the church, had sex before I was married and used birthcontrol for the 1st 4 years of our marriage. I didn’t come back to the faith by someone getting in my face and saying repent or you’ll go to hell. People not strong enough in their faith are driven away by such people. It’s easy for those solid in their faith to think that laying down the law would be the best approach but that because we are already strong in our faith, and would live and die for it. Patience, compassion, understanding and prayer will more likely touch these people’s hearts…

Vluvski if your so concerned about these couples why don’t you and your fiance befriend some of them. They probably could use a solid Catholic couple as a role model. Do not be so quick to judge, you don’t know where they are in their faith walk. It is sad that so many Catholics have grown up without solid instruction but we must work with what we have.

This is so well said. As someone involved in RCIA, CCD and a marriage sponsor couple, I personally get to see the struggles people face. It isn’t an abstract but very real. We have to take a “woman at the well” approach and speak to them where they are in their faith journey. Not everyone has yet come to embrace the faith fully. It is with the gentle heart of Jesus and prayer that we can assist the Holy Spirit bring these people into the bosom of Christ. I’ve never seen an example where firm chastisement has resulted in a positive result.

The Church is perfect as it was created by Perfection. Its members are imperfect as we have been corrupted by sin. It is our job to help the Holy Spirit make the members (everyone is called to be part of the Church) more perfect and we don’t do it by chastisement and kicking them out. It is in witnessing the Love of Christ that they will come to see His face.

 

[fix]

Island Oak:

How do you support this claim? Do you apply it just to fornicating Catholics? Aren’t Catholics free to marry non-Catholics? Certainly those sacramental marriages confer grace on the marital partners even though one half of the couple may never have atoned for a single sin. Is it not true that some faithful spouses are able to lead their non-Catholic spouses to the faith? How could this EVER happen in the absence of grace?

Anyone not in a state of sanctifying grace cannot receive the sacramental grace that comes through marriage until that person repents and is absolved in confession. At that point one would receive those graces that one would normally receive when they marry.

See this:

Does a couple who receive the sacrament of matrimony receive the full blessing and benefits of the sacrament when they have been cohabiting before they were married?

To receive the sacrament of matrimony worthily a person must be in the state of grace, that is, free from unforgiven mortal sins. Fornication is a very serious sin. One who would receive matrimony with such an unforgiven grievous sin on his or her soul would truly be married, but would not receive any grace at all, but instead would incur a further heinous mortal sin of sacrilege. Confession, contrition, repentance, and penance, of course, can remove serious sins from our souls. It is hopped that people who commit sins of fornications before their marriage would approach confession and receive absolution before bestowing or receiving the sacrament of matrimony. Of course, it should be pointed out that many young Catholic engage couples lead lives of chastity and purity, reserving sexual activity for marriage, as God wills and when it is sacred and holy in God’s eyes.

Reprinted from May 2, 1997
dioceseoflincoln.org/purple/marriages/#5

I was speaking of two Catholics who marry. The other questions you raised should be answered by one who is more informed than I am.

 

[Brad]

Karin:

What I am saying is that if folks live together before marriage (for whatever reason) not all of them are having sex. And physically living in different locations is no assurance either that you will not have sex before marriage. The difficulty of the situation (either one) depends ont he couple …for some it is a non-issue and for others it is an issue.

I cannot imagine anyone that intends to have sexual relations with the other partner at some point for whom it is not an issue. At minimum, it puts one or the other in the near occasion of sin. That doesn’t mean they will sin but it is a serious issue and one that should be avoided at most costs. I cannot imagine any cost for someone living in the US that outweighs the serious issue.

Karin:

There is nothing hard about waiting…but some people choose to share a home, please note I did not mention a bed, before marriage and many of them have valid reasons. By all means this may not work for everyone and I am not implying that it should…

What are such valid reasons?