"Well-meaning" jokes and criticism

[LISA_Annette]

Aww, thank you! :hug1: And I’m so sorry for yattering so much in your thread - I signed off last night and was struck by the most horrible realization that I’d completely hijacked it and made it about me. I’m sorry, dear!

No problem– I really intended this to be for people who needed to see if others have difficult family relationships. You responded just the way I wanted

And I’m so sorry this latest ‘round’ with your mum was so awful… perhaps we both need to grasp what others have said here, that our mothers have the problem - they’re obviously pretty miserable, almost to the point of it being a sickness. I guess it’s sort of like taking it personally when someone with Tourette’s swears at you - not much point, is there, if they can’t help it? …Hang in there and pray for her, dear, and I’ll be praying for you! :hug1:

And i am going to make it my very last round---- actually what my intentions are with my mom, is that I am trying to “change” her to be understanding, and that is not productive. I really hate confrontation in general, but I thought if letting her know how I feel about some stuff she tells me, that it would change her way with me (stop telling me certain things). But she feels too persecuted and accused, no matter how delicately I put it. I imagined idiotically that she would act like a caring mom.

No , sheis not happy, and I am the cause of her unhappiness, because I don’t appreciate her, according to her belief (have the “sharing-caring-let’s get together often” ralationship that so-and-so and their moms have. What she fails to see (and I would NOT dare point out because I want peace) is that “so-and-so” has a more pleasant personality. I do what I can. I am as good as i can be.That’s all.

Thanks Deb for responding to my thread. your contributions are always enjoyable to read

 

[LISA_Annette]

You will not help this situation by focusing your energy on how much she is hurting you, you need to try your best to focus your attention on praying for her. …
Remember Christ in these moments of your life. Remember people lied about him and hurt him and spit on him and humiliated him. What did he do? He actually prayed for his tormentors because he understood that their eternal souls were in danger.

…I understand that behaving like Christ is not an easy task!!! Far from it! But I think that is where the true key to solving your problem is. Changing my way of looking at people in my life has helped me beyond measure. Try your best to see your mother in a different light, she needs pity. I will pray for all of you. Hope this helps.

Yes this does help. Thank you

 

[LISA_Annette]

Lisa Annette;

You need to know that God does not approve of your mother’s behavior towards you, even one little bit. You were created in His image and likeness to reflect an aspect and a truth about Him that the world needs to see - you are His icon, and He created you exactly as you are because He thinks that’s the most beautiful Lisa Annette there is in this world - no other will do than that which you are, just as He created you to be.

I also think next time your mother criticizes your hair or your weight, you should say, “Mom, you are much too short. When are you going to do something about your height? And I notice your eyes are brown - when are you going to get them to a nice, proper shade of blue? I really can’t discuss anything serious with you, if you are going to insist on being brown-eyed and too short!”

Maybe then she’ll get the point.

to the last thing you wrote.

This helps, what you wrote, a great deal—the guilt I feel is unbearable, it weighs on my heart so heavy because as well as disappointing my mother, I believe I have disappointed God terribly. I have to fight the urge to go to confession about this, because I have to reason with myself" I did not argue—I was only trying to help our relationship" She put her view of me, on me—and I buy it. She tells me I am bad, and I believe. No amount of confession will take that way. This is another kind of a problem—not sin, i have to remind myself.

 

[CarrieH]

She tells me I am bad, and I believe. No amount of confession will take that way. This is another kind of a problem—not sin, i have to remind myself.

One of my favorite responses to those who are quick to point out my faults is to say, “Well, if I were perfect, I wouldn’t need Jesus, now would I?” Shuts 'em up every time!

This thread has me thinking about my grandmother, the one from my earlier post who sat up from her hospital bed to comment on my hair. My brother who her first grandchild was always “it” to her, and if I think* I* had it bad, his girlfriends and later his wife had it much worse! My mother agreed that if he had brought home Miss America, Gram would say that she was too skinny and wore too much makeup! This kind of behavior really is their problem, not ours, but it is certainly a cross to bear at times. Hang in there, everyone!

 

[LISA_Annette]

Still praying for you here.

Remember Christ in these moments of your life. Remember people lied about him and hurt him and spit on him and humiliated him. What did he do? He actually prayed for his tormentors because he understood that their eternal souls were in danger. This does not mean we as people need to invite abuse, but we need to pray for our abusers when the situation arises.

Try your best to see your mother in a different light, she needs pity. I will pray for all of you. Hope this helps.

I forgot to thank you for your prayers–and beautifully enlightening words on imitating Christ. I have to always remind myself, she is coming to the end of her life and is feeling this finality rushing in on her…it is sad, if ou think about it. it can make some elderly feel a sense of meaninglessness. if they were already difficult personality types in their younger years, then they become even more difficult as they are elderly.

 

[tcay584]

This is in reference to family members who do this. i wish i could post this in several different palces at once, Spirituality and Prayer intentions, but i guess it fits here better.

Right now I am so angry and hurt and feeling as if i have sinned because of it. I have said a few choice things (putting it kindly) in my anger to MYSELF, not my mother. I am over 40, and my mom who is 80, loves to ask me “kindly” have you gotten a diet yet?? I am over-weight, but not by alot—I look normal. She said to me tonight, “I bet your husband wishes you were thin again…(laughing)” I responded the way I always do, like an idiot, laughing too—I said “He has told me that he loves me just the way I am.” she responded back to me: (laughing harder) “I bet he is lieing.”
For most of my life this has been her way with me----using humor to disguise her criticism of me. “Are you sure you like that hair-color???” and catching me off gaurd with various other comments. In short I can’t help but feel a self-loathing well-up inside of me . I can’t even discuss this with her, because i have and she cries and says “She’s so sorry she was only trying to be helpful…” and then she gets resentful. Or She also conveniently forgets her wrong-doing,"What ? Who Me?? " and she turns into a lawyer needing notarized documentation of time and exact words said, were there any witnesses,…okay I am beginning to see the humor in it to a certain degree.

. Please don’t tell me she means well, and is concerned about my my health—she may be to a certain extent, but she is so critical of other people’s weight and general appearance that I KNOW it comes from a vain part of her—my daughter should look like she did when she was 18, or like so-and-so on Bold and the Beautiful, or the Spanish soaps she watches with all those gorgeous women (because she is always telling me about how I should fix myself up like them ).

This really hurts me deeply. It makes me very angry, and it destroys my peace—I need prayer. I need to get past this.

You could always do the non-christian, childish thing and say "You know Mom…you’re right! I’m going to make an appointment right now for lipo! And…while we’re on the subject, I mean…I know you’re 80, but what about that waddle, and the be-donk-a-donk butt…Wanna go with me?
I had this with my mom when she went on vacation with dad for a month. I looked after their house and pets. I kept that place spotless!!! The day before they came home, I busted my booty to make sure everything…and I mean, everything, sparkled! She walked in the door…looked around…and promptly berated me for having a white…oh, yes…white garbage bag in the trash instead of a green one. Talk about “No Wire Hangers”! I was in tears until my older sib said I should just chill. “Jen…the green bags don’t let the garbage men see the dismembered body parts”. Total joke, but it surprised me so much, I had to laugh. Until this day, if my Mum makes any sort of uncalled for remark…I just remember the disembodied body parts…breathe deeply…and laugh. My garbage bags are all white…just in case she pops by! HeeHeeHee…I know she notices!

 

[LISA_Annette]

You could always do the non-christian, childish thing and say "You know Mom…you’re right! I’m going to make an appointment right now for lipo! And…while we’re on the subject, I mean…I know you’re 80, but what about that waddle, and the be-donk-a-donk butt…Wanna go with me?
I had this with my mom when she went on vacation with dad for a month. I looked after their house and pets. I kept that place spotless!!! The day before they came home, I busted my booty to make sure everything…and I mean, everything, sparkled! She walked in the door…looked around…and promptly berated me for having a white…oh, yes…white garbage bag in the trash instead of a green one. Talk about “No Wire Hangers”! I was in tears until my older sib said I should just chill. “Jen…the green bags don’t let the garbage men see the dismembered body parts”. Total joke, but it surprised me so much, I had to laugh. Until this day, if my Mum makes any sort of uncalled for remark…I just remember the disembodied body parts…breathe deeply…and laugh. My garbage bags are all white…just in case she pops by! HeeHeeHee…I know she notices!

You sound as silly as me! But you know what???It is when I start losing the “silly perspective” that I start fearing depression will set it, so I think there is nothing un-Christian about yuking it up—I have a feeling my mom might be in SHOCK and laugh—a little nervously at first, but she might get into it.

NNNNOOOO----WIIIRRRE----HANGERS!!! that part of the movie always cracks me up---- Faye Dunaway is so melo-dramatic it looks like comedy.

Seeing comedy in drama is God saying,“Hey it probably won’t change, but here let me tickle you…”

 

[KCtheMommy]

Back to your first responder and the “that hurt’s my feeling’s mom” idea: it actually works.

It was my mother in law who suggested I say this to my mom. Back when I actually had my mom in my life. She would be far worse than just saying I was unattractive, she would literally call me names, the one that starts with an “a” and ends in “hole” was her favorite. As in: you are such an (bleep)! Just for little things. Or she would just say really mean and nasty things. Often times my grandma would join in – oh they loved ganging up. Anyway, needless to say we had quite a volatile relationship. Mom often chose who she would act the most nastiest in FRONT of, some of my friends nary heard the a-word from her, other friends she would just go balls-out in front of. When she did it (and ha grandma on board) in front of my MIL I was mortified. I quietly gathered up my kids and my MIL and begged we leave immediately so a confrontation would not ensue. It was then, after being called an A-Hole (and many other fun sounding names) in front of my MIL, that MIL suggested I say the feelings thing.

I said “Linda, you have to be kidding me, I would be ROAD-KILL if I gave them that much power. To admit they are hurting me, oh man I wouldn’t live it down for years. Give an inch, they take a mile. Yeah don’t think so.”

BUT a few weeks later when my mom really started in on me I thought of MIL’s advice and so I said:

“Gee mom, that really hurts my feelings when you talk to me that way. It hurts all the way to my heart.”

For once in her LIFE that woman actually shut up! She looked at me almost shocked. She didn’t have anything else to say! I could see she ALMOST, ALMOST apologized, but I wasn’t pushing my luck. LOL

So I am with that advice, I am down for it, I swear, it works. Even on psycho-women who have vile mouths.

Oh if you are wondering what prompted the attack in front of my MIL, my “crime” if you will: I was taking a bath while MIL watched my two older kids – at my mom’s house. I just wanted a relaxing bath! My DH was deployed in the war, so a bath was a rare treat with a 1 yr old and a 3yr old. My mom and grandma had been grocery shopping. BECAUSE I was in the tub and not at the jump and ready to help them carry in their groceries when they got home, I was apparently all kinds of hideous beast. They yelled, they screamed, they called me names and carried on…because I didn’t pyschicly know when they were going to be home, and didn’t run to help them whilst wet and naked.

 

[LISA_Annette]

Back to your first responder and the “that hurt’s my feeling’s mom” idea: it actually works.

It was my mother in law who suggested I say this to my mom. Back when I actually had my mom in my life. She would be far worse than just saying I was unattractive, she would literally call me names, the one that starts with an “a” and ends in “hole” was her favorite. As in: you are such an (bleep)! Just for little things. Or she would just say really mean and nasty things. Often times my grandma would join in – oh they loved ganging up. Anyway, needless to say we had quite a volatile relationship. Mom often chose who she would act the most nastiest in FRONT of, some of my friends nary heard the a-word from her, other friends she would just go balls-out in front of. When she did it (and ha grandma on board) in front of my MIL I was mortified. I quietly gathered up my kids and my MIL and begged we leave immediately so a confrontation would not ensue. It was then, after being called an A-Hole (and many other fun sounding names) in front of my MIL, that MIL suggested I say the feelings thing.

I said “Linda, you have to be kidding me, I would be ROAD-KILL if I gave them that much power. To admit they are hurting me, oh man I wouldn’t live it down for years. Give an inch, they take a mile. Yeah don’t think so.”

BUT a few weeks later when my mom really started in on me I thought of MIL’s advice and so I said:

“Gee mom, that really hurts my feelings when you talk to me that way. It hurts all the way to my heart.”

For once in her LIFE that woman actually shut up! She looked at me almost shocked. She didn’t have anything else to say! I could see she ALMOST, ALMOST apologized, but I wasn’t pushing my luck. LOL

So I am with that advice, I am down for it, I swear, it works. Even on psycho-women who have vile mouths.

Oh if you are wondering what prompted the attack in front of my MIL, my “crime” if you will: I was taking a bath while MIL watched my two older kids – at my mom’s house. I just wanted a relaxing bath! My DH was deployed in the war, so a bath was a rare treat with a 1 yr old and a 3yr old. My mom and grandma had been grocery shopping. BECAUSE I was in the tub and not at the jump and ready to help them carry in their groceries when they got home, I was apparently all kinds of hideous beast. They yelled, they screamed, they called me names and carried on…because I didn’t pyschicly know when they were going to be home, and didn’t run to help them whilst wet and naked.

I know your story isn’t supposed to be funny, but isn’t it strange, though, to see the humor in tragedy sometimes??? It is almost as if it is surreal, and you are a visiting alien from another planet, just checking out the Planet Earth…

You did good to tell her. She probably forgot you had feelings, not because of being so rapt up(wrapped?? which word is it ? ) in her own feelings.

I will try it—and I will keep it in the moment, as in no fair bringing up something said yesterday. Thanks for the story, and it was a good thing you had your MIL to depend on.

 

[silentdeb]

No problem– I really intended this to be for people who needed to see if others have difficult family relationships. You responded just the way I wanted

Oh, lovely - thank you!

And i am going to make it my very last round---- actually what my intentions are with my mom, is that I am trying to “change” her to be understanding, and that is not productive. I really hate confrontation in general, but I thought if letting her know how I feel about some stuff she tells me, that it would change her way with me (stop telling me certain things). But she feels too persecuted and accused, no matter how delicately I put it. I imagined idiotically that she would act like a caring mom.

PERSECUTED! What an excellent word that is for this situation, isn’t it?

No , sheis not happy, and I am the cause of her unhappiness, because I don’t appreciate her, according to her belief (have the “sharing-caring-let’s get together often” ralationship that so-and-so and their moms have. What she fails to see (and I would NOT dare point out because I want peace) is that “so-and-so” has a more pleasant personality. I do what I can. I am as good as i can be.That’s all.

If your mum is like mine, something or someONE would always be the cause of her unhappiness no matter what. When my mother can’t find a reason why I’m at fault for whatever she’s currently peeved about, it becomes the cats’ fault. I kid you not. She blames her cats for her life if she needs to.

And she loves me dearly, that’s the thing - she’s just miserable with her life, and it has to be someone’s fault, because it can’t be hers. I’m willing to bet your mother loves you very much too, however little it shows sometimes. :hug1:

Thanks Deb for responding to my thread. your contributions are always enjoyable to read

laughing Thank you, my dear! That made me feel good!

 

[silentdeb]

You did good to tell her. She probably forgot you had feelings, not because of being so rapt up(wrapped?? which word is it ? ) in her own feelings.

‘Wrapped’, hon - ‘rapt’ is when you’re engrossed, fascinated, or carried away emotionally (as in ‘enraptured’).

 

[LISA_Annette]

Oh, lovely - thank you!

PERSECUTED! What an excellent word that is for this situation, isn’t it?

If your mum is like mine, something or someONE would always be the cause of her unhappiness no matter what. When my mother can’t find a reason why I’m at fault for whatever she’s currently peeved about, it becomes the cats’ fault. I kid you not. She blames her cats for her life if she needs to.

And she loves me dearly, that’s the thing - she’s just miserable with her life, and it has to be someone’s fault, because it can’t be hers. I’m willing to bet your mother loves you very much too, however little it shows sometimes. :hug1:

laughing Thank you, my dear! That made me feel good!

 

[LISA_Annette]

If your mum is like mine, something or someONE would always be the cause of her unhappiness no matter what. When my mother can’t find a reason why I’m at fault for whatever she’s currently peeved about, it becomes the cats’ fault. I kid you not. She blames her cats for her life if she needs to.

And she loves me dearly, that’s the thing - she’s just miserable with her life, and it has to be someone’s fault, because it can’t be hers. I’m willing to bet your mother loves you very much too, however little it shows sometimes. :hug1:

That is funny about the cat! My mom has a cat she contemptuously named PingPongCharlie, because he spends half the day soaking up the sunshine on the neighboring man’s porch, and then comes home for his kitty-litter, food, water, and vet visits.
“I expect full-time love for the chunk of dough I shell out monthly for that cat!” I call him PoorPingPong Charlie, who can’t be nothing more than a cat.

Thanks for reminding me that she loves me—she just shows it in odd ways:whacky:

 

[rayne89]

We’re going out for my mom’s b-day tomorrow. Got her flowers, sugar free chocolate (she’s diabetic) and the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Not sure how well the book will go -could be good or could be ugly. Some of the chapter titles are: Learn to Live in the Present Moment, Let Others Be Right Most of Time, Choose Being Kind Over Being Right, Resist The Urge to Criticize, Stop Blaming Others, etc…I waffled on whether to get it or not but I decided- what the heck?

So we’ll see, I might be just asking for trouble. A little prayer that this doesn’t blow up in my face would be appreciated.

 

[LISA_Annette]

‘Wrapped’, hon - ‘rapt’ is when you’re engrossed, fascinated, or carried away emotionally (as in ‘enraptured’).

thanks!:blushing: :bounce:

 

[LISA_Annette]

We’re going out for my mom’s b-day tomorrow. Got her flowers, sugar free chocolate (she’s diabetic) and the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Not sure how well the book will go -could be good or could be ugly. Some of the chapter titles are: Learn to Live in the Present Moment, Let Others Be Right Most of Time, Choose Being Kind Over Being Right, Resist The Urge to Criticize, Stop Blaming Others, etc…I waffled on whether to get it or not but I decided- what the heck?

So we’ll see, I might be just asking for trouble. A little prayer that this doesn’t blow up in my face would be appreciated.

Good Choice of book! I should get it too! That one and God Help Me These People Are Driving Me Nuts! was another good suggestion on this thread by (whom?? ) When i find out< I have to send a word of thanks!

 

[silentdeb]

That is funny about the cat! My mom has a cat she contemptuously named PingPongCharlie, because he spends half the day soaking up the sunshine on the neighboring man’s porch, and then comes home for his kitty-litter, food, water, and vet visits.
“I expect full-time love for the chunk of dough I shell out monthly for that cat!” I call him Poor PingPong Charlie, who can’t be nothing more than a cat.

The poor kitty - heavens, that’s what cats do. Our cats are all the indoor variety, but they have their little daily routine worked out that may or may not involve us - they’re busy!

Thanks for reminding me that she loves me—she just shows it in odd ways:whacky:

Perhaps it just doesn’t occur to her that she NEEDS to show it. My mum said something a few weeks back that I found enlightening, something to the effect that she knows she’s a foul-tempered beast (she’s fairly proud of it, in a way) but that’s just the way she is, she has a right to be like that (her words!), and she expects people to not take it personally.

:ehh:

It’s a little easier to not take personally when you’re not the only person in the room with her, as the surliness is delivered at top volume, mind you.

At any rate, I shall work on it! There must be some good spiritual exercise in there… gotta have good biceps for those wings I hope to have some day. :angel1:

 

[silentdeb]

thanks!:blushing: :bounce:

You are welcome, and no embarrassed blushing is permitted here! :hug1: There is a special circle of Hell reserved for those that mangle the English language (Dante just forgot to include it in the Inferno, but trust me, it’s there), but there’s also a special portion of Heaven for those that stop to think about what they’re writing and actually check or ask which word to use when they’re unsure. And if I get to Heaven, I’m making it my eternal business to hug each and every one of those people daily!

 

[silentdeb]

We’re going out for my mom’s b-day tomorrow. Got her flowers, sugar free chocolate (she’s diabetic) and the book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. Not sure how well the book will go -could be good or could be ugly. Some of the chapter titles are: Learn to Live in the Present Moment, Let Others Be Right Most of Time, Choose Being Kind Over Being Right, Resist The Urge to Criticize, Stop Blaming Others, etc…I waffled on whether to get it or not but I decided- what the heck?

So we’ll see, I might be just asking for trouble. A little prayer that this doesn’t blow up in my face would be appreciated.

WOO, you’re brave!!! :bowdown2: It sounds like an excellent choice … I hope Mum doesn’t take that one too ‘personally’!

BIG prayers for you, dear!

 

[silentdeb]

Good Choice of book! I should get it too! That one and God Help Me These People Are Driving Me Nuts! was another good suggestion on this thread by (whom?? ) When i find out< I have to send a word of thanks!

That was dear Rayne89, actually! I hadn’t remembered who it was either - I had to scroll back and check. I need to find that book!