Went ahead with Marriage while wanting to call it off, what to do now?

[moose17]

My wife and I are serious Protestant Christians that regularly attend Mass and will likely become Catholic sooner than later. We married 2 years ago, our marriage has been filled with regret, doubts and depression, largely from me. These thoughts and feelings have been present every day, with some variance in magnitude. Long story short, we were very good friends in college and had been dating for a couple of years, and I felt compelled to move forward with marriage. I had reservations, it took me a couple of months after buying the ring to propose. During the engagement time we almost called it off many times, but we didn’t for fear of letting people down, for wasting time and wanting to do the right thing and be a good Christian witness. I reasoned that I didn’t have the ability to make that decision then and worst case we will give it a good try and get a divorce soon if its miserable. Very regrettably we did not do much of any 1 on 1 pre-marital counseling. Instead like 5 group pre-marital counseling sessions at our Protestant church with 7 other engaged couples. I did talk a number of times with my older brother who is married and he reassured me that all marriages are difficult and romantic love is flaky etc. I cared a lot about my wife and I loved her for sure in a way but I was not at peace about loving her as I should or as she deserved. Anyways, even 3 nights before the wedding at about midnight I broke my phone against the wall, shouted F my life and broke down in her presence. I then reverted into my people pleasing mode and was too afraid to call off the wedding at this last minute as many friends and family traveling in. Long story short, we have really tried to make it work, we have had many sessions with Christian and non-Christian marriage counselors, we met many times with a Catholic Deacon who was very helpful and himself had been through the annulment process and we have spoken with the Catholic priest that knew us before we were married. We are both really tired of trying, praying, reading, discussing, crying. We have remained good friends but we really need to get past this in one way or another way. From our discussions it appears that we may be able to get an annulment (if we became Catholic someday) but it is not clear. We both love God and our faith is very important to us. I know I have learned a lot through this all about God’s love for me, despite my failures. I am of the achiever type which unfortunately gave me a wrong understanding of God that I had to perform or be good enough for Him to really love me. Anyways, I really more than anything want to have God’s joy and peace, and be in love with Jesus like I used to, for my wife as well. This marriage has been a huge blow to my entire psyche. To me it seems like such a big mistake, there honestly hasn’t been a single day that I have wanted to be in the marriage or felt peace about it. I really need God’s grace and mercy to restore our joy as we navigate through this with the possibility of separating. But I also want to faithfully follow Jesus which I know does not mean getting everything we want as he requires that we take up our crosses and follow him.

 

[MNathaniel]

I’m sorry to hear about the difficulty you’re struggling with.

Could you clarify whether you’re asking a specific question?

For example, are you asking for confirmation that an annulment may be possible? (Based on your local Catholic priest saying he thinks so, and the fact that you entered marriage while open to divorce and even half-planning on it, that seems plausible – but ultimately a formal annulment ruling will have to be made by those with the authority and who formally examine your situation).

Or are you asking for opinions about whether you should seek an annulment or try to remain in this situation until death? I’m wary about whether internet strangers will be able to give you much helpful counsel about that; ultimately this will be a decision for you and your wife to make, hopefully in continuous consultation with your priest.

 

[Rau]

During the engagement time we almost called it off many times, but we didn’t for fear of letting people down, for wasting time and wanting to do the right thing and be a good Christian witness.

• why would anyone be let down?
• why would wasting time be a concern?
• what is “the right thing” ?
• how was marrying being a “good Christian witness”?

 

[aroosi]

Not sure what are you asking here.
How can random people in internet tell you if you need to leave your wife or pick up your cross and stay in your marriage?
It seems going to many different people (your brother, deacon, counselors) didn’t help you making a decision. It is your decision, nobody else can decide for you what to do, even if they can help you seeing the same issues under a different light or offering some tools to improve communication and coping skills.
Also, remember that becoming Catholic AND getting an annulment are not the same thing. Converting doesn’t automatically makes your marriage invalid or tell you what to do about it.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We can’t tell you whether or not to stay with your wife. You and your wife need to make that decision after consulting with your priest (assuming you are becoming Catholic).

I would urge you to please make this decision ASAP before any children are conceived.

I will be honest - if I was your wife and had spent years in a marriage that we’d almost called off multiple times before the wedding and then my new husband spent every day for years not at peace because he didn’t want to be married to me, I’d have walked out long ago, even if it meant I had to live the rest of my life single. It seems like you two have never had a time when you were happy to be engaged or married.

 

[Annie]

I think you should see a counselor. The way you have gone about this seems to indicate an overwhelming need to please others and I don’t think that people on the internet who don’t know you are really going to be able to help you.

Your wife might also need to see a counselor too, since she may have the same problem.

It seems odd to prefer to divorce rather than to “let people down” by breaking off the engagement, or even asking someone to marry you when you didn’t want to.

 

[Jen7]

Something is missing in this tale. And that’s fine - I’m not asking you to divulge more. But I can’t comment much because of it. It does strike me as a bit unusual that you’re friends with your wife but you’ve been miserable since before the wedding. Do you struggle with depression or anxiety apart from marriage? It can be easy to blame the marriage or spouse for emotions that would(or wouldn’t!) be there anyway. It’s something to consider. I’d get personal counseling not marriage counseling and see what happens before pursuing an annulment. But like Tis said, please don’t bring a baby into this until you know you’re going to stay with your wife forever!

 

[moose17]

Thank you all for your help, sincerity and time to respond.
I appreciate the advice that for such a major question I should be wary of the approval or guidance from internet strangers. Besides any wisdom you may offer, I would like to know if others know of similar situations and how they played out, were the couple able to work it out (by God’s grace) and find joy in their marriage in their lives or at least find peace that they did the right thing to stay together, or did they separate and receive healing from God over time or any other results in between.

As some have you have mentioned, we need to figure this out before having any children. I know she will be a wonderful mother and I hope to be a good father, and I can’t bear to think of having either of our future children have to live through this pain if it would continue. On the other side, I sometimes think that maybe children would help us move forward but I do not want to take that risk and be so hopeful because of course this a problem we need to solve between ourselves and God.

I don’t want to conflate our marriage situation with becoming Catholic and I wouldn’t become Catholic just to get an annulment. Even if we never became Catholic, I think we would both have peace about separating and being forgiven by God. If then either of us were to remarry I believe we would not be in sin because of this previous marriage.

We know that we have to get past this, I really want the best for my wife and I know so many guys would be lucky to have her as a wife and they would love her so much better than me. I respect her resilience and strength in all of this. Not all of life has been miserable, we have remained friends and been able to enjoy times together and with others, but I am never near peace about our situation and she never really feels like she is in a stable situation or really loved for obvious reasons.
We have seen multiple counselors, both together and individually and are seeing one now.

Finally, a few more details about why we didn’t break things off and our fear of letting people down etc. To many we probably appeared as a great couple, although maybe that isn’t true considering we never really showed much affection in public. But we were quite “good” Christians, involved in circles of both Christian and non-Christian friends. Of course this all seems crazy and stupid in hindsight, but it seemed like it would be the right thing to go into this trusting God and that He would be enough. I mean we were (and are) very good friends and had been dating for a couple of years. And, I , in particular am prone to trying to take on difficult tasks, which is sometimes good but can also be a major weakness as in this biggest decision of my life…

 

[Peeps]

I think you should see a counselor.

I’d get personal counseling not marriage counseling

I agree with these two posts.

Your problems won’t go away if you stay married, become Catholic, get an annulment, etc.

I think it’s possible, in fact, likely, that you have an emotional illness.

My husband was diagnosed with clinical depression decades ago–he was fine when we were teens and early 20s, but as we aproached our 30s, he started manifesting symptoms (e.g., panic attacks, lethargy, confusion about the simplest decisions, etc.)

Finally he sought help, starting with his medical doctor, who referred him to a counselor and a psychiatrist, and I’m glad to say he is doing well. He’s still not “depression-free”–he will always have this condition, but it is under control with meds and counselling.

You need to get counselling to work on anxiety and depression. These are not “sinful” choices that you’re making, or weak-will or faithlessness–this has nothing to do with your Christianity. You will not destroy your Christian testimony if you seek help for an emotional illness. Just the opposite–you will start healing and learn practical ways to cope with your many emotional issues, and your testimony of Christ’s love and power will be even stronger!

Do NOT make any decision about your marriage until you have been through evaluation for emotional illness and treatment if you are diagnosed. Wait until you are on the path to healing and can think logically.

Godspeed to you. It’s a tough journey, but worth it. Don’t stall around. Just seek help.

 

[aroosi]

As some have you have mentioned, we need to figure this out before having any children. I know she will be a wonderful mother and I hope to be a good father, and I can’t bear to think of having either of our future children have to live through this pain if it would continue. On the other side, I sometimes think that maybe children would help us move forward but I do not want to take that risk and be so hopeful because of course this a problem we need to solve between ourselves and God.

Children come with their own challenges and don’t miraculously solve couple issues. As a matter of fact even solid couples need to find a new normal after becoming parents. Please sort it out before bringing children in the picture.

 

[moose17]

Thank you for you thoughts and sharing your husband’s experience.

I have seen a therapist for a couple of months but I stopped because my issues kept pointing back to my marriage. I am not saying that besides my marriage I am perfect, I know have issues that I need to work on with God’s help. But apart from these marraige thoughts, I am generally just as functional as I was before. I can work hard, I can be a friend and care about others etc. But I feel like I have gotten the wind knocked out of me and anytime I am feeling much hope it is accompanied with a sigh.

Perhaps I should really consider medicine, I know it has helped others. My old boss told me about how his first series relationship of many years fell apart because of his partner’s depression, which after 10 or so years she finally got the right medicine. In hindsight he wishes they would have stuck it out and made it through but at the time it appeared to them like it was best to separate, which they did gradually as they tried to make it work. But I simply just think that I am very healthy otherwise, I enjoy work and study and sports and volunteering. I don’t want to experience the bad side-affects of anti-depressant medicine and I just don’t see how it will help me come to peace with this marriage.

 

[1ke]

I’ve read your posts on this thread and I still have no idea what the actual issue is!??!

Do you fight? Do you disagree on fundamental things? Do you have an active sex life? Are you or she not attracted to the other? Did you BOTH want to call off the wedding but didn’t?

WHAT, specifically, is the issue? Can you articulate it?

 

[Philomenasmum]

Perhaps I should really consider medicine, I know it has helped others.

I have been on medication for anxiety and depression. Along with the techniques I learnt at therapy, it really did help me and is nothing to be ashamed of. It also didn’t make me into an emotional zombie (as I was told it would). Just took the edge off, if that makes sense.

 

[moose17]

I should also add, that I want this marriage to work more than anything. If I could, I would use all of our money, which is not a small amount. I do cry out to God to save it because only he can. I really want to do God’s will with my life and I know that I struggle between my own will and God’s will. I fear that if we seperate it will be because I am trying to find happiness apart from God and that I will be trying to “gain the whole world and lose my soul”. But as I have said, the other side of me says, no this was just a mistake that I didn’t enter into with good counsel. Our local priest for example says that he would have told us not to get married, unfortunately we didn’t go to him for pre-marital counseling.

 

[moose17]

Yes I know it is a confusing situation.

We do have many differences of how we approach life, but we also have many commonalities. We have had sex on and off, but often with long breaks in between. Honestly, I am not very attracted to her physically so that does become conflated with our other differences, which I have come to realize more and more are both really important to us . I knew of these differences going into the marriage and I tried to brush them off.

We both wanted to call of the wedding and didn’t at the same time for fear of letting people down as I have already said but also of lettings ourselves down and being scared of going forward with a friendship that had developed over 4-5 years. Of course now this seems very foolish that we were not really considering what is best for ourselves and pursing more counsel and at the very least postponing the wedding. She had one bridesmaid that was telling her to call it off. I didn’t have anyone saying that, which is my fault for not talking with more people beyond my brother and my dad.

Actually just last night I sent an email to my younger brother who is considering marriage with his girlfriend. If only I could have sent that email to myself 3 years ago…The content was not all doom and gloom, just telling him to take it seriously, ask the hard questions for both of their sakes, pursue counseling and prayer etc.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

I walked a road very similar to yours.

Not to tell you what to do, but there seem to be only two courses of action here:

• Make up your mind that the two of you are going to make it work
• Cut your losses now and work towards a close

The Church, to my knowledge, does not grant declarations of nullity without a civil divorce in place first (I think they should, but I’m not the one who made that decision), but this said, you might contact a Catholic priest, describe your situation — and if you really, really want to get out, tell him that too — and see what he tells you.

 

[aroosi]

Choices are hard to make and have consequences. Decide to leave or stay in your marriage, but whatever you do own your decision. Family, friends, priest, counselors, doctors and strangers in the internet can give you some feedback and may try to help but ultimately they cannot decide or take responsibilities for you.

 

[Elf01]

I walked a road very similar to yours.

You probably have your reasons for not doing this (possibly not wanting your story to influence the OP), so I’m not going to state it here, but I think saying how things turned out for you may help him.

 

[Elf01]

I should also add, that I want this marriage to work more than anything. If I could, I would use all of our money, which is not a small amount. I do cry out to God to save it because only he can. I really want to do God’s will with my life and I know that I struggle between my own will and God’s will. I fear that if we seperate it will be because I am trying to find happiness apart from God and that I will be trying to “gain the whole world and lose my soul”. But as I have said, the other side of me says, no this was just a mistake that I didn’t enter into with good counsel. Our local priest for example says that he would have told us not to get married, unfortunately we didn’t go to him for pre-marital counseling.

I will say that a decree of nullity is not guaranteed? Do you think you would be happier on your own than in your marriage if it wasn’t?

Maybe you could try counseling now?

 

[moose17]

Thank you for sharing. You do not need to tell me which path you took. But are you able to tell me what your relationship with God is like now?

I did essentially have this conversation with the local priest and he said that we would have a pretty decent chance at getting an annulment but that the Church just doesn’t have the resources and time to do such legal advice and it may also lead to more people getting divorces if they know they can get an annulment. We did also meet many times with an elderly deacon who had been married 2 times before his current marriage. He wants us to make it work because all things are possible with God as Jesus says in this regard, but he also hinted that an annulment would likely be possible. From both of these Catholic perspectives, it seems like they were of the opinion that we very likely do not have the grace of the sacrament of marriage. If we were to renew our vows and really mean it then maybe that would make the difference because the sacramental grace would help us.