Went ahead with Marriage while wanting to call it off, what to do now?

[moose17]

For sure being single would be better than our situation now. But honestly, thinking long term, even if we improve some, I fear that it will always be without real peace and just a lot of frustration. I personally was interested in becoming a priest, or remaining single as an option as I have a lot of interests and did fear that I wouldn’t have the capacity to add on marriage to my life, obviously that would require more discernment with others. But if we cannot get an annulment I would not want her to suffer alone and not be allowed to get married. Sure maybe we could then remarried at that point but I would we do not go down that road of emotional pain.

 

[Elf01]

For sure being single would be better than our situation now. But honestly, thinking long term, even if we improve some, I fear that it will always be without real peace and just a lot of frustration. I personally was interested in becoming a priest, or remaining single as an option as I have a lot of interests and did fear that I wouldn’t have the capacity to add on marriage to my life, obviously that would require more discernment with others. But if we cannot get an annulment I would not want her to suffer alone and not be allowed to get married. Sure maybe we could then remarried at that point but I would we do not go down that road of emotional pain.

Maybe she would rather be single than in the current situation as well. I think you need to talk to her. You have said you would like to save the marriage. Why is that? Is it because you feel it’s the right thing to do, or is there something in it that you see as worth saving? You don’t need to answer, but think about it.

 

[moose17]

Thank you, this line of thought is what is preventing us from giving up on it. I am trying to balance this with the truth that God does love us and he does forgive and reinstate us after we fail, as he did for example Peter.

I made the marriage vows publicly and I do not want to break them. But I know inside that I was under a lot of pressure to make them and I did not want to make them. This is not some secret I have withheld from my wife. My close family and some friends have known the true reality since maybe 6 months after the wedding. We are really trying and she is a trooper but she cannot stick around much longer to figure it out.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

HomeschoolDad:

I walked a road very similar to yours.

You probably have your reasons for not doing this (possibly not wanting your story to influence the OP), so I’m not going to state it here, but I think saying how things turned out for you may help him.

Thank you for sharing. You do not need to tell me which path you took. But are you able to tell me what your relationship with God is like now?

I did essentially have this conversation with the local priest and he said that we would have a pretty decent chance at getting an annulment but that the Church just doesn’t have the resources and time to do such legal advice and it may also lead to more people getting divorces if they know they can get an annulment. We did also meet many times with an elderly deacon who had been married 2 times before his current marriage. He wants us to make it work because all things are possible with God as Jesus says in this regard, but he also hinted that an annulment would likely be possible. From both of these Catholic perspectives, it seems like they were of the opinion that we very likely do not have the grace of the sacrament of marriage. If we were to renew our vows and really mean it then maybe that would make the difference because the sacramental grace would help us.

14 years of trying to make it work, then divorce. We did have a child, something I have never regretted for an instant, and I am basically raising him on my own. She chose to “remarry” invalidly without the permission of the Church, and has never filed for a declaration of nullity. I remain single. Our marriage was not all bad — our approach to money management was a template I’d recommend to any married couple (though it was a bit unusual, sometimes “thinking outside the box” is good) — and we remain on amicable terms, though we rarely see one another these days. We cooperate fully on matters of our son’s welfare.

I am not going to get into the question of “why didn’t you bring things to a close sooner?”. Everyone has to make their own decision. I can’t help but note, though, that the Church seems very reluctant to recommend that people divorce, a fortiori if they are in valid sacramental marriages.

 

[moose17]

Thank you Jen, I appreciate this wisdom.

I really want to have this mindset that we are married and that is that and we will try to fix issues if we can but life isn’t perfect but we are so blessed and we should focus on living Godly lives etc. I really really want to have this sort of peace and hope. But I don’t. At times I have small amounts of it, but these are just fluctuations on top of the constant negative bias that I have. I do really believe in the importance and sacredness of marriage, which is why I don’t want to make a mockery of it which is what I feel like I might be doing. Maybe in the long term it would make sense if we can both remarry sacramentally and all, that would be the hope.

 

[moose17]

Thank you for sharing. I am really sorry to hear this. It is good to hear that you do not regret having the child and you can love him and work corporately in raising him. I pray that God gives you peace and joy in the years ahead.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Thank you for sharing. I am really sorry to hear this. It is good to hear that you do not regret having the child and you can love him and work corporately in raising him. I pray that God gives you peace and joy in the years ahead.

Thanks. I always wanted a child like him, and wouldn’t have it any other way. Thankfully, my circumstances allow me to be a full-time stay-at-home dad and to homeschool him. His math skills leave much to be desired — by his own admission, he just doesn’t have a “math mind”, I am considering a tutor once the pandemic is quelled — but aside from that, he is quite the scholar and philosopher. We also do a lot of real-life education — we have a forest and trails near our home, and the other afternoon, we got lost and had to practice some near-nighttime wilderness navigation skills. He learned more that day than he would have ever learned in any school — I told him it was a kid’s version of the survival skills they teach at Wyoming Catholic College:

Outdoor Program - Wyoming Catholic College

 

[Jen7]

But I know inside that I was under a lot of pressure to make them and I did not want to make them.

You sound incredibly conflicted. You want to save your marriage and yet you do not. You are super focused on how you felt at the wedding & afterwards. Why does that feel so huge? Do you feel sexually attracted to your wife? To anyone? (Please don’t answer publically.)Is this about your wife sepecifically, or about marriage, or about commitment anxiety, or about some expectation on yourself?

 

[Rau]

I am unable to make sense of this.

 

[lwest]

You mentioned praying but are you praying a daily rosary? That’d be my advice. Pray a rosary every day with your wife and let God’s grace take care of it. It takes about 20 minutes a day. It’s the most powerful prayer outside of the Mass. When we first got married, my husband and I had some issues. We started praying a daily rosary (especially when we felt like killing each other) and the problems just dissipated. Trust in God’s grace. Pray the rosary. I’m speaking from the heart here. And adding some deliverance prayers would be helpful, too. Again, speaking from the heart here.

 

[Pattylt]

Have you considered a temporary separation? Living apart for either a set period of time or just a day at a time might allow you to realize that you do or don’t want to stay married. I would seriously consider it.

 

[Peeps]

Perhaps I should really consider medicine, I know it has helped others. My old boss told me about how his first series relationship of many years fell apart because of his partner’s depression, which after 10 or so years she finally got the right medicine. In hindsight he wishes they would have stuck it out and made it through but at the time it appeared to them like it was best to separate, which they did gradually as they tried to make it work. But I simply just think that I am very healthy otherwise, I enjoy work and study and sports and volunteering. I don’t want to experience the bad side-affects of anti-depressant medicine and I just don’t see how it will help me come to peace with this marriage.

There are many different anti-depressants. If your doctor diagnoses you with clinical depression, there is a good chance that the doc will start out with cognitive (talk/write) therapy, and perhaps one of the milder anti-depressants. Or maybe not.

The anti-depressants all have a different mechanism. You can’t just exchange one for another without a doctor monitoring.

It took my husband over a year of trying different anti-depressants under a psychiatrist’s care before he found the one that worked with no significant side-effects. Over 20 years later, he is still on that med, and it’s still working.

But we’re jumping the gun here. Depression may not even be an issue for you. Don’t try to diagnose yourself. Get to the doctor and let them earn their big bucks!

I think that if my husband had not gotten help and his medical regimen, he would have…well, let’s just say he probably wouldn’t be here.