We're heading towards divorce. Is annulment an option?

[Sugabee43]

Having experience with two highly functional depressives, I can not urge you strongly enough to research the disease, treatments, and success rates. Starting with the book I recommended.

I just downloaded the book onto my Kindle for my smartphone. Thanks for the recommendation. My husband is a depressive (most if not all of his life), as is his mother. Unfortunately, we are on the verge of divorce - his idea, not mine - and I think it’s too late for us, but I hope and pray the OP and his wife will be able to resolve all that this horrid mental illness entails.

 

[styrgwillidar]

I just downloaded the book onto my Kindle for my smartphone. Thanks for the recommendation. My husband is a depressive (most if not all of his life), as is his mother. Unfortunately, we are on the verge of divorce - his idea, not mine - and I think it’s too late for us, but I hope and pray the OP and his wife will be able to resolve all that this horrid mental illness entails.

There used to be a website as well with forums, depressionfallout.com.

I’ll pray for you and yours. Depression is a horrible disease, take care of yourself so you don’t get sucked into the vortex. Enjoy every little thing you can and take comfort that you have given your marriage your best efforts.

 

[Sugabee43]

There used to be a website as well with forums, depressionfallout.com.

I’ll pray for you and yours. Depression is a horrible disease, take care of yourself so you don’t get sucked into the vortex. Enjoy every little thing you can and take comfort that you have given your marriage your best efforts.

Thank you, styrgwillidar. My husband, after several years of threatening, is more adamant now. I think this time he means it and there’s no stopping him. I’m quietly planning, preparing myself emotionally and financially, and praying that our (teenager) kids are not too terribly scarred.

The book so far is both jolting, eye-opening, and paradoxically exactly what I expected. Living with a depressive for 23 years is exhausting and it’s only through God’s graces that we’ve made it this far.

 

[mommy_k]

There is great advice so far–but one other thing…

Are her friends Catholic?

I only mention this because you stated that your wife listens to her friends, and thier influence is important.

I see Monicad recommend retrouville, and that is great.

 

[Catholiclife200]

Her married friends are mostly Catholic, but the ones she hangs out the most with are single and not Catholic. She sees them probably just about once per week.

Things are not going well at this point. She basically doesn’t want to spend any time with me, let alone hold my hand or hug/kiss. Like I’ve been totally shut out. She said to just let her come to me.

What is odd is that at the same time she is willing to talk and converse with me (usually just things about herself though, almost never about me other than a quick “how was your day?”). We do have conversations about the kids and their activities too sometimes.

She has reverted a lot of her moral beliefs to reflect more of how she believed before we met. Birth Control, Gay Marriage, Divorce (obviously), are all A-OK in her book now. She grabbed a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and is reading it (I have asked her not to read it as I think it’s really not a good book for our marriage and she said she may stop reading it). She still wants to go to Mass, confession, etc, but this is very hard for me to swallow. Her depression is very mild. It’s not like she is in bed all day long. Friends and family around her would never suspect she is depressed, but her counselor did.

For me, it’s getting hard to be upbeat around her. She wears her rings and we sleep in the same bed, but it’s like we are not a couple at all. Like she doesn’t really like me or want to be around me. She seems to have zero desire to spend any time with me. She will not engage in conversations about us and our relationship. I need to just let her deal with herself and her counselor. I’d love to work on the marriage, but there seems to be nothing I can do other than be nice to her, try to do more around the house so she has more free time and less stress, etc. How can you work on a marriage when your spouse won’t spend any time with you?

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t want to speak to how your wife is handling things - I don’t think it’s well, by the way, which may or may not be partially influenced by her depression - but I do think you don’t have a very good understanding of how depression works. I’ve suffered from depression on and off for years and unfortunately I developed some ingenious methods of hiding it from others so I could hobble along and look functional even though I felt absolutely terrible.

It’s not like you go to therapy once or twice and boom! fixed. There’s a lot of habits to be unlearned. I know when I get into a funk I find it very, very hard to trust my husband at all. I become distant because I’m ashamed of myself and because I think he’ll find me weak if I dare to cry in front of him and ask for help. I also (partially based on experience, but this has gotten better in recent years although it’s hard to unlearn) know that in the past when I’ve asked for help I’ve been belittled and ignored, which makes it harder to ask for help again, and then a nasty cycle starts.

I don’t say this to blame you, but I would encourage you to learn what you can about depression. Some of it sometimes is just waiting for the funk to lift, but even though I retreat into myself and act distant I feel absolutely crushed when my husband shrugs his shoulders and says, “Oh well.” I don’t know if your wife feels that way or not. I had to make sure to tell my husband - when I was feeling well - to please, please, please not let me retreat into myself when I don’t feel well. I may say that’s what I want but it’s the sickness talking. It would be good to figure out what’s what. Don’t just sit by the sidelines and mildly wait to see where everything ends up.

 

[styrgwillidar]

…
Her depression is very mild.
…

I would submit that “She said she is forcing herself to be loving to our kids” would contradict that statement. Kids are great lie/truth detectors and assess folks, including their parents, based more on their actions than their words.

"Sometimes it is easier to think of her as dead. In a way she is, she no longer holds the same values or acts like she once did. Once something like this would have disgusted her. Everytime my behavior reminds someone of how she once was it is like reminiscing over a lost loved one. There is this fear that I will end up just like her but, also this longing to be like how she once was cause she would be proud. I miss her everyday and sometimes it really does seem like she passed away and is looking down on me with the attention and treatment she used to give me.”

Written by the daughter of a highly functional depressive mother. It is not a healthy way for a child to think about their mom.

Realize–‘miss her every day’ was written at a time she was in fact seeing her mother every day, but not the mom she missed.

 

[styrgwillidar]

Thank you, styrgwillidar. My husband, after several years of threatening, is more adamant now. I think this time he means it and there’s no stopping him. I’m quietly planning, preparing myself emotionally and financially, and praying that our (teenager) kids are not too terribly scarred.

The book so far is both jolting, eye-opening, and paradoxically exactly what I expected. Living with a depressive for 23 years is exhausting and it’s only through God’s graces that we’ve made it this far.

If your teenage kids have a social media presence, I’m assuming you’re monitoring it. That’s good because you may get a feel for how they’re doing based on what they’re posting, both images and things they quote.

 

[mommy_k]

Her married friends are mostly Catholic, but the ones she hangs out the most with are single and not Catholic. She sees them probably just about once per week.

Things are not going well at this point. She basically doesn’t want to spend any time with me, let alone hold my hand or hug/kiss. Like I’ve been totally shut out. She said to just let her come to me.

What is odd is that at the same time she is willing to talk and converse with me (usually just things about herself though, almost never about me other than a quick “how was your day?”). We do have conversations about the kids and their activities too sometimes.

She has reverted a lot of her moral beliefs to reflect more of how she believed before we met. Birth Control, Gay Marriage, Divorce (obviously), are all A-OK in her book now. She grabbed a copy of 50 Shades of Grey and is reading it (I have asked her not to read it as I think it’s really not a good book for our marriage and she said she may stop reading it). She still wants to go to Mass, confession, etc, but this is very hard for me to swallow. Her depression is very mild. It’s not like she is in bed all day long. Friends and family around her would never suspect she is depressed, but her counselor did.

For me, it’s getting hard to be upbeat around her. She wears her rings and we sleep in the same bed, but it’s like we are not a couple at all. Like she doesn’t really like me or want to be around me. She seems to have zero desire to spend any time with me. She will not engage in conversations about us and our relationship. I need to just let her deal with herself and her counselor. I’d love to work on the marriage, but there seems to be nothing I can do other than be nice to her, try to do more around the house so she has more free time and less stress, etc. How can you work on a marriage when your spouse won’t spend any time with you?

Single friends may not be having a good influence on her, but you probably know this already.

I have work friends that are single and sometimes they try and paint single lifestyle in a very positive way, amoung other things, such as asking me to join them when they go to bars and so on…when I decline they try and make me feel badly, which I dont, by telling me that it’s the 21st century …iow, they pressure. They have the ability to find faults with marriage too.

Another thing–is perhaps you can tell her you would like to go to counseling as well. You can go singularly and as a couple. I don’t know if another posted suggested this…

I don’t know about depression and how to act or be around someone who is depressed to help. I would think it although it is similar to other people’s experiences, --it is also different for each person too… A counselor can help you to communicate with her and what to expect and if your actions are helping or hurting the matter, or prolonging it.

The way she is acting is not healthy for you either, even though she is depressed.

 

[CatholicRaven]

The fact that you keep doing more, and expecting less from her, kind of jumps out at me.

When I’m struggling emotionally in my marriage (not just overwhelmed with housework), my husband taking over my usual chores and giving me more free time is usually not very helpful… in fact, it can sometimes backfire and makes me feel that I’m not needed or appreciated, and/or leaves me a lot of empty time to fill but little opportunity to accomplish anything constructive that builds my self-confidence.

Of course, this may very well not apply to your wife–she might respond really well to that approach or may simply not be able to do as much under the circumstances–so take my observation with a grain of salt. You know her, and yourself. Just thought I’d offer a different perspective.

If possible, I would ask her counselor how you can best help your wife.