Were you extremely angry at a parent as a teen?

[shirleytowers]

I had a difficult family of origin situation growing up, lots of anger at my parents.

If your daughters don’t like their counselor, they should find one they do like. A counselor they won’t talk to is like no counselor at all.

Your posts are about their anger and your marriage but you are pretty vague, really. I think there is an 800 pound gorilla in your house that you are ignoring. It is the molestation matter. You cannot just ignore it and deny it is important.

You thought of sending them to boarding school to solve this ? Nice.

Your post is all about how their anger is a problem. I see your response to their anger and your lack of understanding as a bigger problem. You seem to think you can just somehow make it all go away magically and you want us to tell you the magic words, and make your wife see your side at the same time.

You admit you are smelly and overweight and don’t take care your family’s home. You act like that is nothing. You act like the problem is their anger. You wave off the molestation matter as if it is all over and done with, but clearly others don’t think so. I think your lack of regard for their feelings is the problem here. Your lack of empathy and compassion come through loud and clear. Total lack of perspective.

(Mod: edit) You should go to counseling. I cannot take the same concilliatory track as the other posters.

(Mod: edit)

 

[SeekerJen]

The behavior you describe speaks to more trauma than accidentally touching your girls during preadolescent years.

Here’s something I’ve noticed in counseling: girls often attribute their pain and hate towards a stand-in figure.

Have you considered that your girls were abused by someone else, a stranger, care provider, teacher or family member? And now they are using you as the scapegoat?

And have you apologized and sought forgiveness for any perceived accidental touches?

I wondered the same thing. A friend of mine was molested as a pre-teen by a relative (not her father). It was not until 10 years later that she was able to articulate what had happened to her and begin to emotionally deal with it, and in the meantime her relationship with her father was rocky. Not as bad, perhaps, as what has been described here, but I think there was resentment that he hadn’t protected her. Pre-teen and teenage girls are also generally very modest and often ashamed at their bodies, and thus something like a massage or accidental touch on the belly could be construed wrongly- especially if they had been exposed to abuse elsewhere. I had a boyfriend in college who used to wrestle with his 12-year-old sister, and I actually pulled him aside and mentioned that he should ask her if she was still comfortable with that. I would not have been.

 

[Zelie_Louis]

Participants are strongly reminded that charity is essential to our discussions here.

If you wish to review the subject, please see Charity for specifics, or CAF rules for an overview, both of which are located in the Rules of the Road sub-forum.

Please also remember to stay on topic. The OP says he and his family are seeking counseling for this complicated family dynamic issue. This thread is not to determine his guilt or innocence, and nor are we equipped to speculate. Please keep the discussion to his original question.

 

[hopefulldad]

Thanks Zellie!

I can handle being called a child molestor in need of therapy but that business of saying I was smelly and oveweight was just going too far!!!

Really though, the purpose of this post was not to explore and divulge all the aspects of my messed up family, but rather to hear from others who may have lived similar anger as teens, and to hopefully learn from their experiences. Wife and I can draw our own similarities from whatever is offered. Hearing a story or two with a happy ending of reconcilliation might also help me on my difficult task of remaining a

Hopefulldad

 

[jmcrae]

The behavior you describe speaks to more trauma than accidentally touching your girls during preadolescent years.

Here’s something I’ve noticed in counseling: girls often attribute their pain and hate towards a stand-in figure.

Have you considered that your girls were abused by someone else, a stranger, care provider, teacher or family member? And now they are using you as the scapegoat?

And have you apologized and sought forgiveness for any perceived accidental touches?

This could be it. I just had a flash of memory.

I was kidnapped and sexually molested by a stranger. I escaped before he could make a ransom demand, and went home. I was unable to tell anyone what had happened because of another emergency already in progress at the house, and it ended up that I never did tell anyone what happened.

I blamed my father (he was in public life, his name in the papers every day. The kidnapper thought he was going to get money from my Dad for me, and I always thought, If my father was not such a big shot, I would not have been kidnapped and molested.

I became two people for a while, after that - on the one hand, I knew that if I told my Dad what had happened, he would be devastated, he would quit his job to protect me, and we would all (I thought) starve to death or something. At one level, I knew that, and for that reason, I never told him.

On another level, though, I totally blamed him for the whole thing - and I think I didn’t speak at all for quite a long time - months for sure. Maybe years. I don’t remember. I was put into counselling, but they were looking for childhood depression, learning disability, etc. (because I had stopped speaking) - no one asked in those days about sexual abuse, and I’m sure I wouldn’t have known what they were talking about if they had asked about that.

Nobody had even been aware that I had been missing, since they hadn’t realized that I wasn’t present when the other thing happened, and I (still have) never mentioned that I hadn’t been there, so the thought that I had been kidnapped would not have ever occurred to them.

Bottom line - I consider it very likely that hasikelee has nailed it - something has happened to these kids, and at some irrational level, they are blaming you for it, although at the same time, they do know perfectly well that you had nothing to do with it, and indeed, they are being very careful that you and your wife never find out about it - but they also hate that they haven’t been caught hiding their secret, yet.

 

[jmcrae]

Hearing a story or two with a happy ending of reconcilliation might also help me on my difficult task of remaining a

Hopefulldad

You should know, then, that I get along extremely well with my Dad now, and in fact I spent most of last summer with him. We had a wonderful time together, going boating, painting pictures, walking on the beach, telling tall stories, and just hanging out.

 

[BlestOne]

I am having a very hard time understanding why you and your wife have allowed this behavior to exist and continue for years! I am a mom of 3 kids who married a man with 1 child. Even with my husband not being their biological father nor I his daughter’s mother, we would never allow the disrespect you are describing. My step daughter has tried to treat me like dirt… either I or my husband has had talks with her about acceptable behavior a few times. My kids, since they are present all the time, know better, because I taught them at a very young age that they will show respect for adults in my home.

The biggest problem we have had is what the step daughter is told by her mother and grandmom. When mom and grandmom tell you that you don’t have to listen to step mom, I guess you don’t think you do…until you are told the “rules of the house” Yep! My Home, My rules!!! It’s only right.

These kids are children, they have no rights, they have no choice until they prove that they can show respect. If they were mine, I would make them have interaction as a family such as meals and family outings and mass. If they don’t comply, they don’t eat, they don’t go out with friends, etc… You are spending too much time trying to apologize and kiss their fannies…STOP IT!!! Reward good behavior, punish bad. Don’t sit there and try to figure out what the problem is, if they want to object to being around you, make them confront you (appropriately) by telling them that unless they can give you a good reason not to help out in the kitchen at dinnertime, or eat with the family, they will be there. So what if they don’t eat? They will eat when they are hungry and food should only be available at mealtimes. Your children are controlling you and your wife right now. That is so bad for them at this age, they think they know everything…but truly they don’t. You are the parents, act like parents!!! If you and your wife agree that they need to be in counselling…then they go, no if’s and’s or but’s about it. You both have to be parents together, and that means changing things that don’t work.

 

[Jennifer123]

I don’t have much advice here but this situation sounds very complicated and all are in dire need of some true, authentic help and counsel, which I am sure you are already aware.

I just wanted to ask if there’s any way you and the wife could devote some time to pray together for the sake of your marriage, especially in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament? Without distraction, just the two of you together, without bringing to mind any of the resentment and anger between you two, just focusing on opening yourselves to the presence of the Lord?

I truly feel you can’t fix the kids without having a strong foundation between the two of you. I am just getting the sense that you may be putting the cart before the horse, so to speak. Ask the Holy Spirit to work on your children, but my two cents is that you really need to fix yourself, and then your relationship with your wife, first.

Good luck and my prayers to you. God Bless you.

 

[sing]

For most of being a teenager (since you ask) I was not angry at my parents. Not until a few months after i got out of a mental hospital, when i was 18. I realized that a lot of things about my family were really messed up, and had contributed to me being messed up.

I’m 19 now, 20 in july, moved out, and i am trying really hard to deal with it and fix things.Moving out made things much better, though we don’t have that close of a relationship. Actually, I don’t think we’ve been really “close” since erm, I don’t know. Maybe we never were. So, oh well. Hopefully we will be able to continue having a relationship, but I’m not compromising my beliefs for that. I don’t know what’s going on with your children, but you can’t force anything, not with teenagers.

 

[siamesecat]

Most of the time my mom and I get along great, laughing and gossiping and watching TV together. But always there’s a real anger towards her that makes me wonder if sometime we will be permanently estranged. I’m almost 18, a high school senior, and she still must ‘approve’ my clothes (not for like how slutty they are but whether or not she likes the fit, length, color, texture, coordination, matching etc), my food intake (i weigh under 100 lbs…I’m only 5 feet tall but she constantly criticizes my weight), and other things. I’m a reserved person who has trouble in social situations and my mom constantly criticizes the way I behaved or responded in every public situation, just making me more anxious and withdrawn around her in public. She has some serious anxiety disorders, is a huge gossip, and is fixated on really random things. She has alienated most of her former friends and takes immense delight when their kids get arrested for drunken driving. While my mom and I get along most of the time, I do have a lot of anger towards her, whereas my other siblings do not. They are younger and haven’t realized just how manipulative and fixated she can be. I just get so frusterated/angry sometimes because she makes me feel bad about myself and my body, and she yells about my lack of social life but then doesn’t let me go to any social gathering where there’s guys sleeping over (even though we’ve had many deep conversations about how I’d never just hook up…I’ve never kissed a guy even) or where drinking may occur (again, I’ve made it quite cleart to her my feelings about alcohol and she trusts me.) So basically there’s nowhere for me to go. She rants on and on about why dont I hang out with so and so, why cant I be more like so and so, until I finally tell her that that person, while valedictorian, friendly, successful, etc, has sex with random guys, gets smashed each weekend, and is very disrespectful to his or her parents. My mom loves me a lot and has sacrificed everything to be a stay at home mom - shes the most devoted mom I know. But she is too devoted. She’s not trying to be a bad mother, she just cannot accept that I am old enough to make my own choices and she can’t dictate every second of how I should look and act, especially because I have issues with social interaction anyways (I do have several close friends, I’m just not very popular). This causes an immense amount of anger on my part, and if she can’t accept me for who I am when I start dating and making my own choices in college, I am afraid that we could not talk anymore.

 

[dulcissima]

Your wife has previously posted on here about this subject, and interestingly enough, her perspective is identical to yours. In fact, your posts are so much alike, one would think they were written by the same person.

I would take your daughter’s feelings much more seriously. Regardless of how believable or not believable their stories are, their behavior is that of people who have been abused. They really need help. What are the ages of your four oldest children?

 

[hopefulldad]

I am really trying not to focus on our situation so much as to hear from others who experienced such anger. Originally I posted looking for comments from those who may have experienced that as teens, but seeing that not many are responding in that way, perhaps there are others who have experienced it from the parents perspective, and reached a point where they came to understand it better - and hopefully resolved it.

 

[Gertabelle]

I am really trying not to focus on our situation so much as to hear from others who experienced such anger. Originally I posted looking for comments from those who may have experienced that as teens, but seeing that not many are responding in that way, perhaps there are others who have experienced it from the parents perspective, and reached a point where they came to understand it better - and hopefully resolved it.

I hated my father all through high school - just hated him. I blamed him for my mother’s sadness and her not having the life of her dreams. I hated him for his drunkenness and his absence from our lives (when he was out drinking with his buddies). I hated him when he was home and thought “Oh, now he thinks he can just show up and act like he knows anything about me!”

I can’t say exactly when this turned around. It was gradual, but it did change. When my father died in 2001 (I was 33), I mourned not only the loss of my father but also the loss of the dad I never had.

I can’t possibly tell you what to do, outside of prayer, and lots of it. I’m sorry I haven’t had the time to read all the posts, perhaps you gave more details. But as an adult looking back, I just wish my family had known about the Landmark Forum back then. While counseling helped me through some pretty serious times, like the suicide of a dear friend, the LF (a three day seminar) gave me the tools and the space to heal relationships in an instant. PM me if you want more information. As an aside, after doing the LF (which is intentionally non-sectarian) I became really clear about the lies I was living in my life, and that is how I came back to choosing to be a Catholic and living the teachings of the Church.

You and your family will be in my prayers.

Gertie (not my real name, but I like it)