Were you harmed by daycare?

[ToeInTheWater]

So, I have noticed some childcare topics recently where parents state they fear “harming” their children if they put them in daycare; most recently, a topic in Parenting where a mother expresses a fear that an at-home daycare situation will “harm” her child, although it would be “a maximum of 6 hours a day, 4 days a week”.

Well, I do realize there ARE some daycare situations that are harmful to children, but I have also noticed there seems to be almost a phobia about daycare among some posters here. Not just of massive secular institutional daycare centers, but of essentially, having children spend ANY significant time away from their parents until they are school-age (and of course, many advocate home-schooling even after that)…

So, I wondered, if anyone posting here actually experienced daycare themselves and believe they were harmed by it.

Here is my own experience (the following is copied from my reply to the “Daycare or second shift” topic in Parenting):

Now, I am not a parent, but I do have parents. And while my mother was technically a SAHM for most of my childhood, I spent many hours away from her from as young as age 2, because she was on strict bed-rest when she was pregnant with my younger sister. Since my father worked, my mother had me stay with a friend of hers during the day for a while. I don’t even remember this, but I do know this was the case.

I also started attending pre-school from age 3, because my sister was premature and sickly for much of her life, and my mother really needed to focus on caring for her. I also attended summer day camp.

I certainly don’t feel I was “harmed” at all by not spending all day, every day, 24/7 with my mother, although it seems many traditional Catholics seem to think that this is the ideal.

 

[Walking_Home]

I did – and I don’t think it had a negative result on me.

 

[Xantippe]

So, I have noticed some childcare topics recently where parents state they fear “harming” their children if they put them in daycare; most recently, a topic in Parenting where a mother expresses a fear that an at-home daycare situation will “harm” her child, although it would be “a maximum of 6 hours a day, 4 days a week”.

**The childcare situation in this new thread sounds pretty bad:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=957900**

I certainly don’t feel I was “harmed” at all by not spending all day, every day, 24/7 with my mother, although it seems many traditional Catholics seem to think that this is the ideal.

Well, I think kids vary a lot and family situations vary a lot.

I was never in daycare. I went straight from home to kindergarten. I was probably at a bit of a disadvantage with regard to learning to deal with school, it being my first experience outside the house alone.

I have never worked a full-time job since we started having kids, so I’ve never used daycare per se. However, I’m an enthusiastic proponent of preschool and parents’ day out. My oldest went to a M-F 9-12 preschool co-op from 3 on and then full day M-F pre-K the following year. It was great socially (for both of us!) and as a source of stimulation, but the germs were ridiculous and we finally pulled her out of preschool after her rotavirus put her 10-month-old infant brother in the hospital overnight. But it was a great experience–up until the hospital stay! My middle child did first one day of parents’ day out (5.5 hours) for a summer when he was 3 and then did two days a week (5.5 hours each) when he was nearly 3.5. The following year, he did a M-W-F private pre-k, starting at around 4.5. It worked fine.

My youngest child is now 2.5. She had her first away-from-parents experience when we started dropping her off at the church nursery for Mass at around 1.5, as her behavior in church had gotten pretty heinous. She cried the whole time she was in the nursery 2-3 times and then was fine about it. When she was just about to turn 2, I decided to put her in parents’ day out (5.5 hours) one day a week. This was the earliest I’ve ever put a child into a nearly full-day group setting. It’s been 6 months and it’s been fine. In another six months, I plan to put her in for 2 days a week probably for the next 2 years and then she’ll probably do M-W-F pre-K.

 

[z_0101]

I was a military brat, grew up moving from one base to the next - children are more adaptable than adults now days seem to understand.

In home day-care tended to be better than the commercial day-cares as far as attention from the care giver.

Another thing is that my family (well, great grandma, her mom, my grand ma, etc…) ran an in-home day-care for some 60+ years… often a child that was in our family’s care would bring their children to us, and so on for at least three generations. This, I take to mean that the quality of the caregiver and the care given is what counts - not who the caregiver is.

Children need love, children need clear rules, and children need to be held accountable when those rules are broken. That’s what my family provided both at the daycare and at home and what we advised parents when they would ask us how they could get their child to mind at home the same way the behaved in our home. We even had the autistic kids at daycare long before there was an name for the condition… sometimes they would have a littler harder time adjusting, we just told them that we loved them, but they broke the rule and they had to sit or miss out on some activity, or whatever the consequence was… and they learned and they adapted and they were happy in our care - and their parents were amazed. Was it easy, no, effective, yes.

 

[pianistclare]

I was never even left with a sitter.
I myself have kept kids in my home for others.
Unless the person really loves children and knows the parents well, I’d say daycare is expensive and not worth having your child formed in their early years by someone else.
The children I kept were far more attached to me than their parents at times, and it upset the parents greatly.
But then, they often left their children with me overnight.
I tucked them in, I bathed them, I made them all their meals, I held them when they cried, I kissed their boo-boos.
People just think it’s no big deal anymore.
I realize sometimes it can’t be avoided. Some people just have to work outside the home or have more than one job for a family.
When I taught in a Catholic school, it was very apparent those who had been brought up in daycare, and those who had been at home with one of their parents. The daycare kids were more aggressive and less willing to settle in to class. Sometimes the stay at home kids were spoiled too though, so it boils down to parenting styles some of the time as well.

Were they harmed as in feeling bad? I’d say yes.
The constant feeling of being left. It’s a real thing for children.

 

[SAVINGRACE]

Unknown in my family due to cultural reasons. Mums in our family stay at home with the baby until they start kindergarten (3.5-4yo) because that is usually when they know how to toilet by themselves and have learned how to clean themselves.

I had my first child nearly two years ago and I will do the same.

Of course different families will have different priorities and arrangements. My best friend was in daycare and she is well-adjusted and academically gifted. We went through primary school, high school and university together.

 

[Gordon_Sims]

I was never in daycare although we had our son in after-school daycare for about a year. It was one of those things that if I had a chance to do things over I wouldn’t do again. Ostensibly, the point of the after-school program was to help the kids do their homework then allow them structured playtime that would reinforce their academic and religious learning. In reality, the kids were put in 2-3 different rooms separated roughly by age and then ignored until their parents picked them up. Our son was always wound up afterward and never had any homework done. The closest thing to “education” they provided was the TV room where they’d have the same Barney video playing every day. We enrolled him due to our work schedules and another family member usually picked him up. The first time I picked him up and realized the sort of “quality” they were providing is when we took him out of it.

 

[Nelka]

My children go to nursery a few days per week, it only bothered them in the old nursery as the women that worked there were horrible but they are fine in this nursery and they have each other being twins.

I never liked nursery as a child but that was mainly because my older brothers and sisters were at school and that is where I wanted to go to.

The only problem is my dog wants to go to nursery but he isn’t allowed.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

So, I have noticed some childcare topics recently where parents state they fear “harming” their children if they put them in daycare; most recently, a topic in Parenting where a mother expresses a fear that an at-home daycare situation will “harm” her child, although it would be “a maximum of 6 hours a day, 4 days a week”.

Well, I do realize there ARE some daycare situations that are harmful to children, but I have also noticed there seems to be almost a phobia about daycare among some posters here. Not just of massive secular institutional daycare centers, but of essentially, having children spend ANY significant time away from their parents until they are school-age (and of course, many advocate home-schooling even after that)…

So, I wondered, if anyone posting here actually experienced daycare themselves and believe they were harmed by it.

Here is my own experience (the following is copied from my reply to the “Daycare or second shift” topic in Parenting):

Now, I am not a parent, but I do have parents. And while my mother was technically a SAHM for most of my childhood, I spent many hours away from her from as young as age 2, because she was on strict bed-rest when she was pregnant with my younger sister. Since my father worked, my mother had me stay with a friend of hers during the day for a while. I don’t even remember this, but I do know this was the case.

I also started attending pre-school from age 3, because my sister was premature and sickly for much of her life, and my mother really needed to focus on caring for her. I also attended summer day camp.

I certainly don’t feel I was “harmed” at all by not spending all day, every day, 24/7 with my mother, although it seems many traditional Catholics seem to think that this is the ideal.

I was harmed by daycare.

But in the aftermath, it has made me a better parent.

 

[pensmama87]

I was never even left with a sitter.
I myself have kept kids in my home for others.
Unless the person really loves children and knows the parents well, I’d say daycare is expensive and not worth having your child formed in their early years by someone else.
The children I kept were far more attached to me than their parents at times, and it upset the parents greatly.
But then, they often left their children with me overnight.
I tucked them in, I bathed them, I made them all their meals, I held them when they cried, I kissed their boo-boos.
People just think it’s no big deal anymore.
I realize sometimes it can’t be avoided. Some people just have to work outside the home or have more than one job for a family.
When I taught in a Catholic school, it was very apparent those who had been brought up in daycare, and those who had been at home with one of their parents. The daycare kids were more aggressive and less willing to settle in to class. Sometimes the stay at home kids were spoiled too though, so it boils down to parenting styles some of the time as well.

Were they harmed as in feeling bad? I’d say yes.
The constant feeling of being left. It’s a real thing for children.

I agree with this, especially the bolded.

Several of the kids I have watched have very obviously suffered from attachment issues. Almost all of them are immature for their ages and have had significant discipline problems.

Of course, in some of these situations, I’m not sure how much difference it would make with a stay-at-home parent. One family I watched the kids go home and spend all their time in front of screens. At least with me they have someone to tell them “No,” and “how do we ask nicely?” and “let’s work on this puzzle” and “let’s go to the park because it’s nice today.”

I think a lot of childcare providers are subpar, and get away with it because parents are desperate for childcare. That goes for pretty much any “type” IMO. If you really, really need childcare, I think that provider needs to be vetted thoroughly, they need to be compensated well, and you should have some method of regularly communicating with them that does not only involve asking the child “so what did you do today?”

I am quitting next month, but I think if I start up again I am going to start very young with parents I know well. I think I needed to be pickier about who I took on, too, because those kids influence my kids as well.

 

[MSSheBear]

I have been a nanny for fifteen years and have taken care of children from infancy. The babies preferred their mommies and were not more attached to me. Sometimes they would express regret that their dad came home or encourage their mother to go to work but that was because they had an agenda.

I have also worked at a high quality daycare and no the children weren’t harmed and did quite well. Once I dropped a child off at a preschool that I disliked but the mom soon realized it wasn’t good.

 

[Sarcelle]

Let me begin with a sociological observation. The concept of a nuclear family, living in isolation out in autocentric suburbs is a fairly modern phenomenon. What is more traditional is the concept of a nuclear family living close to extended family. I grew up that way, so when my parents had to take off by themselves, there was no shortage of family to look after us kids.

Personally, as an autistic child, interacting with people who were not siblings or parents at an earlier age, taught me a lot of social skills.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’ve been a stay at home mom for a long time.

I worked through my first pregnancy until right before the birth.

I knew I did not want my child in a day care setting with many other children starting at infancy.

What I would have done was a babysitter who perhaps had 1 or 2 other children. We could not afford that option, so I decided to stay home.

My MIL lived too far to babysit, and my mom worked.

My Dad would have been the best babysitter ever, lots of caring interaction, awesomely great stories, fun outings, but sadly he passed away before we had children.

My mom was a stay at home mom until I was 16. Then she worked full time, but was home in the early afternoon.

I was the childcare provider for my sister on days off and summers.

I often would care for my cousin as well many days as well.

I would say my sister fared pretty well with my babysitting, but she wasn’t an infant, she was an 8 year old.

 

[pianistclare]

I agree with this, especially the bolded.

Several of the kids I have watched have very obviously suffered from attachment issues. Almost all of them are immature for their ages and have had significant discipline problems.

Of course, in some of these situations, I’m not sure how much difference it would make with a stay-at-home parent. One family I watched the kids go home and spend all their time in front of screens. At least with me they have someone to tell them “No,” and “how do we ask nicely?” and “let’s work on this puzzle” and “let’s go to the park because it’s nice today.”

I think a lot of childcare providers are subpar, and get away with it because parents are desperate for childcare. That goes for pretty much any “type” IMO. If you really, really need childcare, **I think that provider needs to be vetted thoroughly, they need to be compensated well, and you should have some method of regularly communicating with them that does not only involve asking the child “so what did you do today?”**I am quitting next month, but I think if I start up again I am going to start very young with parents I know well. I think I needed to be pickier about who I took on, too, because those kids influence my kids as well.

Excellent, yes.

 

[jlc2k2]

I stayed with my maternal grandmother until I went to kindergarten - she ran an in home daycare at the time. I stayed with my paternal grandmother after school and during summers until I was old enough to stay home by myself. I like to think I turned out pretty well though I may be biased.

My oldest had experienced a few different situations. My husband and I did separate shifts until she was about 18 mo. Then she went to an in home daycare for a while. When my husband lost that job, he was with her all day. Then I had 2 months maternity leave when the twins were born.

Since the twins, there have been a handful of caregivers but the situation has always been basically the same - someone comes to our house to take care of them and there aren’t any other kids here. I leave the house around 8:30 am and get back home around 5:30 pm (I am lucky to have a short commute). So far they seem to be happy, healthy kids.

 

[AKDee]

I was in daycare and don’t recall any harm to myself or resentment of it. Both my parents worked so it just was what it was.

 

[UnCatholicBride]

I went to Nursery starting at age 2.5, just to help with social development (I grew up in a very rural area).

Frankly, I think daycare is great for kids- and the kids that I come across in daycare tend to be ahead of their SAHM peers educationally.

That being said, I do personally know of two people who have had children die (one infant, one pre-schooler) in daycare accidents. It’s rare, but it happens.

 

[on_the_hill]

but I do have parents.

Hey! Me, too!

My mom was a SAHM and my siblings and I never had out-of-home care until kindergarten. As a matter of fact, the only “babysitters” we ever had were my grandparents.

To tell you the truth, as a very young child I used to pretend to go to nursery school because it seemed like a lot of fun based on TV shows like “Romper Room,” and whenever I heard another child mention it I was envious because it seemed like a privilege to be able to do.

 

[EasterJoy]

Let me begin with a sociological observation. The concept of a nuclear family, living in isolation out in autocentric suburbs is a fairly modern phenomenon. What is more traditional is the concept of a nuclear family living close to extended family. I grew up that way, so when my parents had to take off by themselves, there was no shortage of family to look after us kids.

Personally, as an autistic child, interacting with people who were not siblings or parents at an earlier age, taught me a lot of social skills.

Yes. I grew up with my mom at home and my aunties also at home in our little neighborhood and our dads working very close by. I played with my cousins both at my house and at their houses. That is a world different from being dropped off at daycare.

There are parents who are not suited for the stress of “suburb isolation.” They might have done fine as stay-at-home parents in one of the village arrangements that used to be the norm, but this doesn’t always translate to coping well in an isolated situation. There were many pioneer families that didn’t stick it out because the daily isolation from other adults was too hard on one or both of the parents.

The friends I have who did the best in daycare were ones whose parents (usually their mother, let’s be truthful) found a long-term daycare provider who practically became a member of the family. A child will have a harder time at a daycare with high staff turnover or with a staff-to-child ratio that is too stretched. Having said that, you have to put food on the table. Sometimes you can’t have what you’d like to have. Children cope with hardships that they come to understand as inescapable necessities. It is when they feel they are in a difficult situation in order to suit the convenience of their parents or when their parents don’t show an interest in spending time with them when it is possible to do so that is harder on them. It *is *harmful to come to think that your parents prefer it when they don’t have you around.

 

[pensmama87]

Hey! Me, too!

My mom was a SAHM and my siblings and I never had out-of-home care until kindergarten. As a matter of fact, the only “babysitters” we ever had were my grandparents.

To tell you the truth, as a very young child I used to pretend to go to nursery school because it seemed like a lot of fun based on TV shows like “Romper Room,” and whenever I heard another child mention it I was envious because it seemed like a privilege to be able to do.

Ha! One of my sisters used to beg my mom to go to daycare, because the bus we took to and from school had a stop at a center and she was incredibly envious of all the really awesome playground equipment.

I think, all else being equal, it’s probably better for children to be at home (i.e. I think the benefits that come from daycare can be had by other means and for less expense). The problem is that the other variables are rarely equal. Sometimes people simply have to work. There’s a huge variety in the quality and availability of care. Frankly, some parents stink and/or aren’t that interested in being good parents or raising happy, well-adjusted children, and that’s going to have its effects no matter what the situation is. Some parents don’t have access to extended family or social networks that would help them find playmates for their kids, or don’t know how to access them.

I think all of those are factors in whether or not a child experiences “harm.” I know it wasn’t good for me to have the TV on all day growing up. My mom likes to tell the story about when, as a one-year-old, I was fascinated by watching a rape scene on a soap opera. She thinks it’s funny. I think it’s disturbing, even though I obviously don’t remember it. But I think that would have been problematic if it had been my mom or a babysitter.